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To cease existing...
by phinebooty @ Thursday, 31. Jan, 2008 - 19:22:25

probably one of my worst days in terms of depression. i must be doing something radically wrong for i never seem to learn from the past and that just exacerbates my anxiety and feelings of helplessness. I'm not sure if i can claw myself back this time. not sure i want to. i think the fight has left me. I mean the fight for other things, life, work, whatever. my friends want to see me and my first instict is to say "no" although i usually bite my tongue.

My new job isnt going very well, i was made to understand that the new boss was a bit of a lunatic but he is constantly reminding me there is a cooling off period and i may not have the job afterall and its the whole learning thing: i have put my eggs in one basket before.

So i am now in a panic, if i dont have a job in a week, in days, will i crawl and eat mud like snakes? do they eat mud?!
I feel like dwoning a bottle of wone, not because i desire wine but because i seem to think drinking will numb me. Maybe i am truly on my way to alcoholism although i have been pretty good in the past few days. I guess i just need to quell this feeling in my ribcage before it overtakes me.

I cant deal with my home sitiutaion, my financial situation, my work situation anymore. I dont want to die but i dwant to cease to exist momentarily if that makes sense.

To top it all off, my dentist has messed up my teeth even more. 5days with new fillings and my tooth is bleeding and there is a gaping hole.
does it ever end:( :(

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JuzzzyJuzzzy pro
http://juzzzy.blog.co.uk
31/01/08 @ 19:27

Woah!

I'd have half a bottle of wine, take a bath, and go to bed and blog for hours.

Chin up, Phiners - you'll be okay.

xx

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JuzzzyJuzzzy pro
http://juzzzy.blog.co.uk
31/01/08 @ 19:33

Actually, in fairness, if it was me, I'd have two bottles of wine, but hey.... ;)

x

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phinebootyphinebooty [Member]
31/01/08 @ 20:51

I got the bottle, i'll try just the half, my liver capacity isn't as robust as yours sadly for i could do with two bottles now. Dunno if i'll wake up to see the bastard tomorrow:). you've cheered me up immensely;)

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ganesharocksganesharocks [Member]
http://yogini.blog.ca
31/01/08 @ 21:41

Like Juzzzy said my dear....keep your chin up! Thank gawd tomorrow is a new day.

XXXX

hope you feel better soon

sleepersleeper [Member]
31/01/08 @ 22:43

Honey, we all know your good qualities because we've been following your blog, so it's time you woke up to them too! You're a fighter. You care. You're committed. You know the difference between right and wrong. You're clever. You can shape the world around you with flimsy things like words.

Play the game PB! Understand that it IS a game and you know the rules. Work it baby!! Remember all your strengths when you go to work and smile at other people's weakness. You ARE a goddess and they do not deserve you.

But more than anything else remember this. In a hospital ward somewhere, there's a little girl of 5 years old whose losing her battle against cancer. If she's lucky and the nurses don't pull the curtains every night, she'll see another gorgeous sunset and breath the cool night air. In another part of the world...oh you get the picture.

Savour the bitter taste of a good strong coffee tomorrow morning and listen to the exciting din of a city waking up to meet the morning. Pull on your favourite jeans and feel the rough denim weave caress your flesh and FEEL ALIVE! Go into work and float above the sorry masses. I send you my strength. Juzzy sends you his power and so does ganesharocks.

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phinebootyphinebooty [Member]
02/02/08 @ 00:28

I love you phil. thank you.xxxx

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rowtheboatrowtheboat pro
http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/
31/01/08 @ 23:22

Keep your eye out for other work too, just in case - it never hurts to know what else is out there, especially when Loony Twat-Features is being so cagey.

And enjoy that wine!

Hope you feel better soon medear. We all have the seemingly uncopeable times - the trick is to shut your eyes, keep breathing, keep moving slowly and all of a sudden you find you're at the other side.

xxx

RunDontWalkRunDontWalk pro
http://menomamauk.blog.co.uk
01/02/08 @ 02:25

Hey you. You are not a quitter nor a pessimist. Granted it is a rough period right now but you know it will get better.

(((hugs)))

sleepersleeper [Member]
01/02/08 @ 21:09

Well PB? I hope you had a better day today! Please let us know.

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phinebootyphinebooty [Member]
02/02/08 @ 00:36

hi phil, ive calmed down a bit, he bulied me today and was extremely rude to someone else. i stood up to him though and told him he was bullying me and being jekyl and hyde and i wont take it, i think i sounded quite emotional which isnt professional and i told him to find someone else if he though i wasnt so good. it turns out nobody wants to work with him becaue he is such a bully and a bit stupid, but i just cant deal with the crap. im taking your advice, thanks a lot, sometimes it takes friends tomake you see the true pitcture and get off the "woe is me" wagon. i did finish the last of the wine tonight tho;)

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sleepersleeper [Member]
02/02/08 @ 18:55

Atta-girl PB! ;)

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la_spicela_spice [Member]
01/02/08 @ 21:35

I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you're having just now. Remember what sleeper said about the poorly little girl and perhaps read this blog: http://www.blog.co.uk/user/wensum24/
Where Ed is fighting to stay alive.

Take care! :yes:

sidejumpsidejump [Member]
01/02/08 @ 21:57

Hi PB, I sorry I missed this post when you wrote it. Not sure if my comment is going to be as good as yours are, but here goes.
When all is going wrong, I think we all want to just wallow a bit in self pity. I always likened it to going in a well of dispair, and we just go with it, as low as it takes us, and then come back up. It is part of a womans make up. It is hard for others who care about us to look on, especially men.
You can get yourself out of the well on your own. You know you are a worthy person, and you know the boss is a lunatic. Is losing the job really so bad? What is the worst that can really happen? You are a really good person and worth more than this. Don't take the shit, if the boss is a lunatic then move on. Find another job, or go over his head, talk to his boss, or HR. Have a good weekend phinebooty, treat yourself and then on Monday you will be stronger. Love SJ

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phinebootyphinebooty [Member]
02/02/08 @ 00:41

SJ, thank you for your kind and heartfelt words, they mean a lot to me and i am conforted. im a lot better now(i had a couple fo glasses of wine) but more importantly i stood up to the new boss today when he was trying to bully me and someone else witnessed it. i guess i am a bit of a drama queen at times but what you have said has put a lot of things in persepective. i will have a good weekend. im determined. i hope yours is good as well.

tried to PM you but couldnt for some reason. thanks again for making me smile.

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sidejumpsidejump [Member]
02/02/08 @ 10:28

I am really glad my words could help. It is always difficult to know how to pitch these things. I am glad you are feeling more positive. I was a little worried when you were not on line for a day.
Keep standing up to him. Bullies only do that out of insecurity.
Not sure why PM didn't work, maybe the system had logged you out, as I accept from friends only, but you are one. Cheers, SJ

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adamantixxadamantixx [Member]
http://adamantixx.blog.co.uk
01/02/08 @ 22:42

i've had plenty of times when i felt this way too hunny, it seems like there's nowhere to go in life and giving-up is the only option...
butl ife plods onwards and we get through the bad times, and you will too, Princess, i promise x x x

deleted user [Visitor]

02/02/08 @ 04:20

Have some wine.
Have a whine.
All better after that. :)

SiennaSienna [Member]
15/02/08 @ 02:16

xxxx Darling, how are you? xxxx

antlady69antlady69 pro
http://www.antmusic-forever.blog.co.uk
18/02/08 @ 08:43

Oh, PB, having a bully as a boss is horrible. Keep Phil's advice in mind, it's excellent!

You know you're better than that twat of a boss, remind yourself of it every day.

I truly hope you'll find another job very soon!

{{hugs}} xx

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