probably one of my worst days in terms of depression. i must be doing something radically wrong for i never seem to learn from the past and that just exacerbates my anxiety and feelings of helplessness. I'm not sure if i can claw myself back this time. not sure i want to. i think the fight has left me. I mean the fight for other things, life, work, whatever. my friends want to see me and my first instict is to say "no" although i usually bite my tongue.

My new job isnt going very well, i was made to understand that the new boss was a bit of a lunatic but he is constantly reminding me there is a cooling off period and i may not have the job afterall and its the whole learning thing: i have put my eggs in one basket before.

So i am now in a panic, if i dont have a job in a week, in days, will i crawl and eat mud like snakes? do they eat mud?!
I feel like dwoning a bottle of wone, not because i desire wine but because i seem to think drinking will numb me. Maybe i am truly on my way to alcoholism although i have been pretty good in the past few days. I guess i just need to quell this feeling in my ribcage before it overtakes me.

I cant deal with my home sitiutaion, my financial situation, my work situation anymore. I dont want to die but i dwant to cease to exist momentarily if that makes sense.

To top it all off, my dentist has messed up my teeth even more. 5days with new fillings and my tooth is bleeding and there is a gaping hole.
does it ever end