probably one of my worst days in terms of depression. i must be doing something radically wrong for i never seem to learn from the past and that just exacerbates my anxiety and feelings of helplessness. I'm not sure if i can claw myself back this time. not sure i want to. i think the fight has left me. I mean the fight for other things, life, work, whatever. my friends want to see me and my first instict is to say "no" although i usually bite my tongue.

My new job isnt going very well, i was made to understand that the new boss was a bit of a lunatic but he is constantly reminding me there is a cooling off period and i may not have the job afterall and its the whole learning thing: i have put my eggs in one basket before.

So i am now in a panic, if i dont have a job in a week, in days, will i crawl and eat mud like snakes? do they eat mud?!
I feel like dwoning a bottle of wone, not because i desire wine but because i seem to think drinking will numb me. Maybe i am truly on my way to alcoholism although i have been pretty good in the past few days. I guess i just need to quell this feeling in my ribcage before it overtakes me.

I cant deal with my home sitiutaion, my financial situation, my work situation anymore. I dont want to die but i dwant to cease to exist momentarily if that makes sense.

To top it all off, my dentist has messed up my teeth even more. 5days with new fillings and my tooth is bleeding and there is a gaping hole.
does it ever end

this is my situation: my current part-time employer wants me to come onboard permanently for about 14k as a trainee manager going up to 16k after probationary 3months if both parties are satisfied that i was doing well and they were happy. I would have to leave my other job in social care which pays slighlty more but des not have any real prospects.

On the other hand, i have a job interview tomorrow and the guy was literally gushing on the phone after seeing y quickly-drafted CV( the mind boggles!). Granted, a friend has been scouting for me, she used to work there,head office asked for a little info, i dranfted an email which impressed them enuff to ask for a CV(which i didnt have since i lost disks with a "master" copy). anyway, my boss wants an answer tonight but i am going to delay it till tomorrow morning.

They would be flxible with my study period i think(although u never know), but i have been there a long time and god knows i have bitched enough on these pages about that job. Do i say no and try the other one although i might have to quit it soon because it is stricly mnday to friday or do i go for the low pay just so i can get a title for the future? it seems slighly non-negotiable the start although i think it's because they think im a bit of a push over. i have stalled enough, it's just that everything came all at once and I am having sleepless nights.

I also need to save money for my course and the only way i see how is by working seven days a week(perhaps the new job +my current) for 2-3months and then maybe seeing if my current job has more openings? i am quite willing to leave the social care . do i go for money and then uncertainty or no money and more unhapiness?

help me coz i nees to sort something out. If i say no to my current boss, then there is no point in tomorrow's interview. if i say yes, and then change my mind i have burnt bridges.

Some advice or opnions would be greatly appreciated as I am highly confused.
Ta

From my inbox a few minutes ago:

In case you are interested
cheers
Marco

"SPICE GIRLS tickets!!
For
this fri at O2 Arena in london.
They were £170 for the two and they are
good seats! (front tier, right in middle in front of stage!)
£170 for
the pair...any takers please contact Charlotte directly at.....

i dont want to see the damn spice girls!!!

p.s. i am now holding the line to speak to someone at a psychics collge to book an AP to see a medium. am i crazy?

I entered 2008 with a two minute cry at midnite and a great kiss at 4:30am. what a way to end a rollercoaster year!.

my flatmate, ever considerate organised a new year's party without telling me, knowing full well that my friends were coming over. I woke up to find a girl cooking in the kitchen(whom it turns out is a big TV star as i saw her in the next few days on telly and even googled her). I had never clapped eyes on her before otherwise. she was/is a nice girl though. they asked what i'd be doing in the evening and said i should invite my friends over as they had texted and emailed people on the spur of the moment.

It turned out well. a rather cute boy came in and my one girl friend came running to my room to tell me about him. we both wondered if he was gay. I promptly changed from the outfit i was wearing(jeans and an unremarkable top) to a smoking mini dress and put the warpaint on. my friend never stood a chance as when i walked into the sitting room, i plonked myself between cutey and she on the sofa(that should teach her not to sit on the far corner of a sofa wetting her pants, while a guy she fancies sits on the other end) . his opening line was "oh, so you are the infamous housemate" and the flirtation carried on from there. I was on my third glass of champagne(which flowed the whole night) and so it was quite easy to flirt outrageously. When he complimented one of the guys on his sense of dress(awful!), i commented on that because the other guy was blatantly gay. He hastily said something about an ex girlfriend and that he was a ladies man. I thought he was too young, maybe 25 at the most although i guess a man is a man right?

Regrettably, he left before midnight, kissed me on both cheeks and both hands. I like to think he was too shy to kiss me on the lips...i was shy to grab him too coz at that time i was fantasising about pulling him into my roon and pulling his jeans down and doing unimaginable things to him, so resraint was required!

In the end, after all the food the music, the dirty dancing by the tv star with all the men and my flatmate dancing some kind of erotic dance, some people left and then there were six. the guy who had turned himself into the resident waiter with all the moet and dom and cristal(oh yes!!)kept it flowing although myself and a friend saw him rather too close for comfort with that girl. he was her guest anyway and she said they were friends but were they kissing friends?? hard to tell although they seemed intimate, both rather tall and him rather well- built as he apparently climbs mountains/hills and cycles around... I never really looked at him throught the evening, he was just the waiter although i could tell he was built.

Then, at 4:30am when a cab came to get his "friend" the tv girl, and my flatmate's sister and friend left, he turned to me, having manfully carried all the rubbish and all 15bottles of champagne downstairs and hugged me. oooh, i felt like i would melt. It was natural that when we parted we would kiss although i stress he came toward me and i met him the last quarter of the way. sadly it wasn't a frenchkiss but it was enough to make me wonder what it would be like to play tonsil hockey with him in those powerful arms. It's also made me look thru all the photos from the night and scrutinise all the video clips. there is one with just his hand passing in front of the camera.

I regret not giving him and his hands a closer inspectionand i hope he will come for dinner.Maybe i should ask my flatmate to invite him and leave us alone. grrrr

Happy new year all