This was written by Guy Browning from The "Weekend Guardian" magazine:

Affairs are emotional Botox. They make you feel better about yourself in the short  term, but leave an ugly mess in the long term.

The telltale signs of a woman having an affair are that she suddenly becomes happy and content, the average height of her heels increases by an inch, her knickers suddenly become flimsier, she talks less in case she gives anything away and she has puncture marks on her neck.
(Im not sure what puncture marks are)

With men, telltale signs are buying clothes in idffrent colours, starting to go to a lot of conferences, flimsier underpants, hair getting washed during the day and he starts calling you Abigail.
(why Abigail??)

The office is one large incubator for office affairs. Afterall 90%of office life is spent in "meetings". It's kind of speed dating with irritating work aspects thrown in.  The only person in the office you can be absolutely sure is not having sex is yourself.

Email and texting often spark affairs. A text can lead, within five minutes to chatting, flirtuing, improper suggestions and hotel room reservation. On the other hand, your other half casually reading through your sent messages is quicker and cheaper than hiring a private detective to trace your movements. Remember, erasing all your messages is another sure sign of guilt.

One reason why people have affairs is because there is great sex involved and for people who have been married a long time, any sex is great. An affair recreates the amazing first stages of a relationship, when there is a lot of fizzing sexual energy and very little washing each other's underpants and taking out the rubbish.

If you're  invited to the house of someone you fancy and end up doing a series of domestic chores, you might be missing the point of an affair. People having affairs think think that everyone else is blind, but if you are boffing  someone you shouldn't be, you can guarantee that everyone else knows all about it, often in greater detail than you do.
(Isn't this a bit scary? for all those smug people out there who think nobody knows?)

If you are the last to know, it's generally for two reasons: the first is that your partner is working in Ghana for six months of the year; the second is that you pay so little attention to your partner that that you wouldn't notice if they grew a second head.

(I think i agree with the above)

Do you think this is accurate, is your partner having an affair? Some of this stuff made me laugh, but i am sure there are many truths in the article.

I ask this question because this morning on my Gmail mailbox I had an email from someone calle Elijah who was responding to an email supposedly from me which said "who are you?" He replied "Im the burrito maker from Oz, who are you"?

Normally this would make me laugh, but the fact that it appeared to actually have come from me made me wonder if someone had hacked into my inbox. Just a couple of weeks ago I had an email from some girl, saying "she founf my email" if I am interested I should email back. I forwarded the email to a friend who knows more about computers than I ever will and he said the girls email linked to an unsafe site. Of course he had to worry about his computer being virus infected after opening that email.

I am actually geting a bit pissed off. Gmail came in promising to keep spam out and all sorts of things and i think at the moment I average about 500 spam mail per month. Yes it goes directly to the spam folder but occasionally one about viagra slips through to my inbox. It's very frustrating.

As if that is nt enough, my camra came in with a manual in German, dutch, Italian and French. Now, i can more or less understand the instructions in Dutch but why the heck couldn't they send a manual in English? if I am buying the sodding thing in England, and I speak to English speaking people on the phone, do they really think I am going to want a manual in Swahili?

I have phoned them twice this morning. The first girl, Katie, was a thorough dimwit. Telling me to dowload the manual on their website when it doendt even work. She had no other solution and I had to put the phone down. Then the second girl, Vicki told me to go to the nikon website which was sking me all sorts of questions including the camera's serial code which i dont have. it's back in the fucking box!!

So i have sent an email, they limit you to 700words which is a real pity. I am really really fed -up with bad service. I found the manual on google, it it 157 pages and i am not printing those pages at my local internet cafe. Why should I spend the money when they can post the manual to me for 20pence? Their reason for not sending me a manual? "we just cant", said Katie in her nasaln voice. I could kick her.

I am probably ratty because i am hungry. Half a grape fruit, s few strawberries and a banana for breakfast. the mislk curdled when I tried to do the 2min porridge. That means im gonna pile on the carbs.

I am really worrried about emails. you cannot trust anything. Hotmail just blocks every second email because they are unsafe...when they aren't. What are we to do?

Last night is a bit of a blur to me. I went to east london(bricklane) for farewell drinks for one colleague. She had misdirected everyone but we all eventually found the bar. I only had three "pints" in plastic cup so they cant have been proper pints.

Someone said i looked like a little eskimo because i was wearing a a coat with a hoodie. Perhaps i did. I think i got slightly tipsy because i was talking a lot and touching people as I talked to them. I remember prodding one of my friends(he did try to throttle me whilst asking someone to take a picture of us) but fortunately i didnt do anything stupid although i almost kicked him in the nuts at one point.

We were then accosted by popele handing out flyers and one that made everyone perk up was about a club called " 'penetration '(longer)". Of course I immediatley asked why the "longer" was in barckets and whether it meant anything. I think we were all curious as to what the nenetration referred to. Everyone who wanted to go home suddenly wanted to go this club which i believe was soemwhere near Aldgate, meaning it was within walking distance.

I just wanted to go home and rest, knowing I had to get up at silly o'clock this morning for work. I left with the guy who tried to throttle me and steered him in the direction of his bus stop. I think he was a bit tipsy and he kept saying hello to rather rough-looking girls. I wished him luck and got on the tube, hoping i wouldnt fall asleep and miss my stop.

Thankfully i got home ok, went straight to bed(my teeth could wait just one night) and when i got to work, one of the guys who was out called in sick. The manager came to me to bitch about the guy phoning, as he knew he'd been out the previous night. Clearly he wasn't aware i'd been out with the same group and i just burst out laughin. He must have threatened this poor chap because he turned up bleary-eyed after 10am

I am abstaining today. It has been so busy, my things hurt and i have been trying to work out why. I now remember i ran for a while in richmond on thursday only to have a 78 year old woman confess to me she had tried to commit suicide and when she called her GP(after being pumped in the hospital) he said he didn't care. That's another post though.

I'm gonna have a brisk shower and get in bed. I need to

I hate Natwest Bank for charging me late payment fees when it was their fault for not getting my payment thru on time. I put down the phone when the trollop on the other end kept on and on. Which is the better bank so I can take my 10pence there?

I loathe the stupid spammer who is leaving dreadful links on my past posts from sex stuff to casinos and whatever else. grow up stoopid!

I do like the fact that my cousin is coming to visit and seh'll discover I have a little vibrator. Oh the shock!

I saw the densitst this morning for my "scaling and polishing". It took all of 10mins. She didn't bother to look at the filling and see if there were scraps of food there, but she did run the metal thing between my teeth. I can still smell the iron.no, the blood.

She said my teethe didnt really have tartar, of course they didnt.

The good thing is i'll be getting a refund for all that money i paid. I told them I cant afford what they are recommending(i should really have said i dont have confidence in them) and they said not to worry, just to pop in tomorrow morning. I can use the money to start paying off my camera i think.

It wasn't as traumatic as it could have been but I am still not happy today. I skipped drinking a coke yesterday and i must admit i feel a lot better today.
My landlord is planning to cook dinner for the house. He has said i should invite a friend. We still need to go through two bottles of champangne and three bottles of red. I think he had a guest at lunch yesterday and they polished off a chardonnay. He slept most of the afternoon and early evening when i arrived.

I think it's time I got back on a health kick, all the junk has served to just make me tired and fat.

Oh, i texted Deciever to wish him happy birthday. I also told him since he is an old geezer now i wish him good health and to watch out for the potbelly. I know he gets paranoid about weight and so i had fun with that little dig. He said he was gonna concenntrate on fighting the bellie. (it's not there but it's still fun making him think it's developing) arent I wicked?:p

I hope you're all having a good day. besides sore gums and a toothache, i think my day's going swimmingly so far.

Having had a thouroughly blue day, i rewarded myself by buying a camera online. it has been an arduous process as i can never make up my mind but it is a camera, it's on my credit card, it will probably take me 30yrs to pay it off unless I flee the country

If you are lucky, i might post my bootyliciousness here...that's if you behave yourselves. i know i have promised before but i wont have any more excuses when that camera arrives.
Brace yourselves.

Ok, i've had a potent cup of coffee from Tchibo which is probably why my heart rate is going at high speed and i feel like giggling. Oh, the joys of caffeine

I am so knackered. I got up early thinking i had the dentist's(second) AP today, it turns out it's tomorrow. Yesterday was so hectic at work that as soon as I got home i collapsed in bed for over an hour. The day hadn't gone well, a blazing row with nasty manager convicned me I should get him fired once and for all. He went to far when he said to me "you are always making a mess" in front of a customer. It isn't true, and i hadnt messed up anything. He is moving to a different branch but he is getting intolerable. Another manager had to talk to him.

Of course i answered him, told him not to talk to me like that and i did close the till rather hard. His mistake was asking me what the problem was. He was, the dummy! IO am sitting here now, feeling very drained and wondering if I shuld report the full- extent of his bullying. He does have a one year old and i really don't know how he could get another job. Still....

There was a party at the house on friday, my landlords. It was a resounding success, there is still wine and champabge to quaff but i haven't felt like it. This morning he invited me to eat cake for breakfast. I had to decline. I had porridge instead. I am feeling very lethargic and drowsy. I am sure I am a bit dehydrated. I am also turning into a choclolate princess, having a w whole lions, or kitkats or snickers daily and a can or bottle of coke. I wont bitch about wobbly bits them since i am inviting them. I must be a bit stressed but with what? I have a roof over my head and a landlord who is on my side with bills and stuff. Oka, i hate my job but many people hate their jobs.

Oh, I still have tooth acke but wont afford the dodgy amount to fix it(ialthough i was told there was no problem by the dentist. cause for worry if you ask me).

It is probably my period. These days as I get older i am finding my premesntrual stress to be rather acute. When i was a teenager it was awful cramps that saw me crawling on the floor and being given the most potent painkillers. i would literally be in bed that first day. These days it's more emotional and mental. I think i prefer the cramps, and it goes on and on and on. I almost burst out laughing when the guests at the party the other day said I was such a calm and collected person and good for the house.

Clearly they havent seen me on the warparth. Nothing like that charlie from Big brother but i can speak for myself. I felt like i was gonna cry yesterday and took a 20minute time out to go and take deep breaths.

I just wanna get in shape and stop abusing my body with junk and rubbish.I dont like my eggs going to waste every month, it's inconvenient.

I'm just having a blue monday. I am sure tomorrow will be better

Thank you whoever tagged me with "spankable". I think i know who it is (starts with a "Y" i think? possibly?). I do like being spanked once in a while and i even bought a spanker from Anne Summers some months ago.

I laughed when it was features in "The Londonlite" newspaper and i was a bit missfed that it was cheaper bought online.

I have since enjoyed the spanker a few times. I once told one of my girl friends about it,she was a bit skeptical until i showed it to her. Why should I hide it?! I'm not sure how i will explain int o my cousin when she comes to visit. Maybe i should just spank her with it and she'll get the idea.

It's quite exciting when you don't know where it might land on your cheeks(i dont mean the ones on your face ). The anticipation can turn you on immensely and I can't help but yelp a little bit when it lands. Sometimes it's shock or pain and a bit of pelasure, most of the time it's a combination of all three.

Anyway, enough about that. There is a party at the house tomorrow. It's the landlords birthday and he has roped in a chef(an ex-girlfriend's husband) to come and prepare the feat. I told him to watch him like a hawk as I suspect the ex (like most of them) still has a soft spot for him:p. He said it will be an intimate affair, he has lots of friends but the party will go on for the entire weeks as they dont all get along so he will have them in the house in shifts. I suspect it will be special people tomorrow.

I am going to see the musical "Fame" tomorrow first and them i'll dash hope to the party. He said to bring a friend and he promised there won't be an orgy. His days of orgies are over. Thank goodness, I can't imagine being in an orgy with people old enough to be my grandparents.

I got soaked in the rain today was wet as cunt, i kid you not. That should teach me to remember my brollie tomorrow.

cheerio:D

I went to the "rise against racism" festival in finsbury park. I only got there just before 6pm after work. The musisc was great the people were having fun apart from a bunch of skinheads(they called themselves such) and fitted in with the skinhead stereotype. They went mad when the ska-talites were playing "simmer down" and threw themselves all over us. I had to push back. I didn't need the aggro.

I was embarssed though when some guy tapped me on the shoulder and kept poiting to his phone. I didnt know what he wanted. He pointed to the camera (it was a nokia phone). So he wanted me to take a picture of a group of them. Great! My phone is the simplest nokia, no camera, not even a calender(i have lost 4 phones, it makes sense now). So I asked them which button to press to which they burst out laughing. I felt such an idiot. Then, i couldnt get them in focus because there was a dark shadow on the monitor hiding their faces. So i pointed at it and asked the guy what it was and to get rid of it. It turned out my fingers were obscuring the lens. Doh! I have never felt so silly. I couldnt even laugh at myself.

Who in this day and age soes not know how a camera phone works? Me and a friend asked me tonight to come and help fix a problem with his apple mac. i cuouldnt

I went to the dental surgery recommended to me today. I left feeling very miffed and short-changed. The checkup was a joke. I lieterally went into the room, the "dentist" told me to sit on the chair and open my mouth. I found that a little strange as I thought she'd ask me what the problem was first. So i took it upon myself to tell her what i felt was the problem. She tapped on the wrong tooth with her tool and i had to redirect her again. Her colleague came in, a rather slimey man i thought and they started speaking rapidly in french. Her English was a bit limited which made me feel isolated as I felt she couldn't articulate herself as well as she should have.

She then took an x-ray and she and her colleague immediately alunched into perices ranging from £200 to £300. I had to stop them and actually ask what the problem with my tooth was and they said my "filling was not good, they recommended a ceramic(very expensive) or a gold filling. No explanation as to why the filling isn't good. I tried to explain that the gum bleeds sometimes when i brush my tooth to which the guy asked if i was using a hard toothbrush. They never checked the rest of my teeth and they ushered me down to get the full spctrum of NHS prices and to book an apointment for next time.

I think that was the moment when i should have just left and never went back. YOu see i have been seeing a dentist privatelybut due to circumstances I can't so that anymore and i just found the whole thing today overwhelming and bewildering. In the end, I had to put sdown a deposit for when they did the rest of the treatement which is supposed to be making an impression of my tooth( whatever that means) and sending it to the lab and then clenaing and polishing my teeth.

To cut the lonf story short, I paid £50, which i now understand i can't get back or even part of it. They said if I can't afford all the treatement then i have to claim the money from the NHS and they gave me several confusing forms to fill out. An HC5 and HC1 because they can't give me back money once they have taken it, even if it's from a debit/credit card. How true is this?

I want to get a second opinion because i was very dissatistied with the level of care and also i want to ascertain that the work really needs to be done. I also want to getsome of my money back and so if anyone knows how i can do that without all these confusing forms i am all ears please. im concerned because i would have to send in my original receipts and so what would i have if they "got lost". I should only have paid £15 but i guess i felt undwer pressure to put the down payment for the rest of the treatement although i'm not sure i want treatment from them. I don't trust them and i have entrusted someone with my teeth before with some disastrous results.

Can anyone advice please? I think a second opinion is in order but where to get one is a real bitch. It beggars belief that they don't take my gum being inflamed seriously. I know it's my fault for going through with the AP but i was and still am desperate.

Help please

I have found out that a certain Oxfam in the south west of London thorws chidlren's clothes away!! I cannot be more specific because I might get people into trouble.

I am quite incensed by this as i believe people give clothes to charity in good faith with the hope that they will benefit those in need somewhere in the world. As far as I know, there are needy kids all over the world, even here in the Uk but i don't think the kids here are as deperate for clothes as kids in South America, Africa or even Asia.

It has made me wonder whether charities start because they want to help people or they lose sight of what's important and turn into some high street clone. I have heard as well(no proof) that Cancer research does not accept clothes for kids.

I am damn sure that the neediest people in the world are children. What is the point of selling us Sydney Sheldon books and telling us 10p out of the 30p will go to some region in darfur or some other basket place like that when you can send in truckloads of kiddie clothes(which are of good quality and given freely) to those god-forsaken places? Would it not benefit the children of Afghnistan in winter or those of Darfur or indeed the ones in New Orleans instead of putting the clothes in bin liners and throwing them in the gutter? Better still why not send them to a different branch(if they'll accept them) if your target audience is different?

I do not understand the mentality of some charities. I am sure volunteers and donors do so because they want to make a difference but at this moment, i feel i would rather personally go to a country and do something myself. I cannot trust what happens to stuff (or indeed money) that people donate.

I am not saying all chairties are bad and that Oxfam does no good because i am sure it does. I just dont understand the mentality of not taking childrens clothes when children are(use a cliche) the future!

I am still fuming!

I have been stuffing myself with a bar of chocolate daily for the past few days. I hate chocolate. I feel sick afterwards yet I do it.The bars range from lion( a recent favourite), snickers, twix or kitkats. I am chopming on a rather chilled snickers bar as i'm writing this.

Please remind me not to come back bitching about thunderthighs in a weeks time. I'll need to remember i did it to myself

My Lnadlord recommended his dental practioce to me but warned me not to accept being treated by a "french bastard". He said the guy treated his mouth like it belonged to a horse and he had to tell him to "get his filthy hands off him".

naturally he is delighted with the female dentist who sees him. He told me her mini skirts are so short that he can actually see her pubic hairs. he said it's delightful!. I didn't ask if she wore panties or not, somehow i think it was him imagination running wild about her pubes.

In any case, i have secured an appointment. I spoke to a gu called Mohammed who kept calling me darling. I was trying to find out if i'll get NHS treatment(i can't afford to go private) and he kept telling me not to worry and that it would depend on the extent of work they need to do.

I just want them to fix my tooth and take the pain away. Not a lot to ask for I think.

I am slightly worried though. My regular dentist(whom i'd been seeing for many many years) messed up last time and i don't want any more disasters. i dont want to lose the tooth but i wonder....

I am worried

I hadn't been geraed up for a night out for a long time until last friday. Usually, when a bunch of us girls go out, we meet at a centarl point in the west end and then we try to decide on where to go and it's usually just for a meal and drinks these days. we are definitely getting too old for the dance floors and all the bars.

For some reason though, this friday Soph and In were geared up for fun. We had had to cancel the previous friday after the (almost) bombing of Tiger Tiger bar because were were metting near there, but there were no such problems last friday. I had texted her to let her know i was going to wear my little black number and happily she had also decided that she wanted to dress up. She said she had a new sexy top she wanted to wear and the girl has beautiful full boobs. Not that I look do you get me?. Incredibly, when my flatmate first met her, in a rather sexy top with an abundant cleavage, he said "nice top!". But then i guess you would if you sort of batted for the other side. She giggled after and said any other man would not have commented on the top. they would have said how great she looked instead. I tend to agree with that.

Anyway, I shaved bits that needed shaving and trimmed what needed to be trimmed that morning and went to work, whilst mentally worrying about whether the dress would fit. I have gained just over half a stones since christmas, the good this to come out/spill out is my boobs, the bad is my fuller hips and bum....bad to me anyway, although some geezers would strongly disgaree

I dashed home, chatted for a bit with the landlord who can go on and on and on and eventually i was able to sneak away for a shower. I tried the dress on and whoopee, it fitted rather snugly. I though my bum was hitching it up just a tad. It is a short dress but still...

I decided to go knickerless and i got a buzz from knowing that, unless i flashed someone, they wouldnt have a clue. Then i put on the war-paint. I had promised the landlord I would come out and twirl in front of him so he could give me his opinion on how I looked. He was delighted. He was like a little boy really but he thought i looked absolutely stunning. He would, he is 78yrs(but looks 10yrs younger)! anyway, that boosted my confidence and I stepped out to be greeted with appreciative glances and whistling. It was slightly windy and i felt my dress sway a little bit but i figured, whoever saw anything would be a lucky sod:P.

We tried a Korean restaurant where they grill everything in front of you and you keep picking stuff off the grill and eating it. I had to give up on the chop sticks and ask for a knife and fork. I think Soph would have choked on her duck had a told her i was completely without knickers, never mind R who is japanese and a bit on the straight and narrow

We had to suppliment all those meats and veggies with rice because the portions were rather small. The rice made us full, and our wine price was knocked off because the one we wanted wasn't available and it wasn't cheap i can tell you, so we paid the same price as the house wine. After that sumptious meal, 'R' wanted to go home(to cook for her husband can you believe it?!) and she felt sef-conscious because she wasnt dressed up. we told her she had nothing to worry about because she was married already, we were trying to ensnare potential husbands.

In the end Soph and I went to soho for a nightcap. We actually stuffed ourselves with the most delicious home-made tiramisu first and had more wine. The very very camp manager/waiter was flirting with me and kept touching me which was really hilarious. I had been rude to him on the pavenment outside while we were looking for a bar thinking he was a weirdo(which he was) but as soon as we entered the establishment, my friend said "that guy is the waiter". I couldn't believe it.

I flirted with a couple of other guys and flashed a little bit on the tube home while pretending to read a discarded newspaper. I heard the guy sitting across from me gasp. I'd like to think I gave him a little jolt. However, i wasn't trashed, just 3 glasses and i slept happily and got to work late the following day.

In total, a wonderful night out. Must repeat it soon

Last friday, my friend/client's husband switched on the telly and on the news was the story about the 3year old girl who was kidnapped in Nigeria.

Her husband commented on how awful it was that a child had been abducted and I murmured my agreement. She then asked where this had taken place. Her husband told her it was in Niegria.First she asked if the parents were British to which her husband replied yes. She then asked if the parents was black or white. I couldn't understand what that had to do with anything but i told her the father was white the monther African(or black) and so the child was mixed.She had asked if the child was balck or white as well.

As soon as she heard that the mother was black and Nigerian, she said " I wouldn't be surpirsed if she had something to do with the kidnapping!" I think i was more shocked than angry by her statement. Her husband seemed a little shocked. I tried to explain to her that in that region of Nigeria people are kidnapped all the time and it's because of the oil. If you go to work on an oil plant there, you run the risk of being kidnapped. Yes, the money is good but so are the risks. A bit really like doing some lucrative contract in Iraq whwre you might lose your life or possibly make lots of money.

I was disappointed though. She has said things in the past that made me feel she has got some racial tendencies and i always set her straight as to how I feel, but to say a mother was invloved in her own child's kidnapping because she is Nigerian to me was the lowest of the low.

I just don't know why people can't looke beyond colour and where people come from and just be human. I did not pursue the matter further because it might have caused more problems and this is someone who is seeing a psychologist at the moment and leaning heavily on me emotionally after her sessionns or before.

However, her emotional vulnerability and fragility does not excuse the fact that she's a bit flawed. I haven't seen her since but i still feel a little shocked by her little outburst.

I guess that's life though, those people who go to lenghts to stress who they are not(homophobic, racists, ageists, whatever) actaul reveal their true selves in random situation. I am trying not to judge her, that is who she is and that's ok, but i am still a little disappointed. I thought she was better than that. I shall endevour not to hold it againt her, after all i do have issues with those 411 scammers. and the scam aopparebntly comes from ....Nigeria

A grown man came into an Oxfam while i was thre browsing the books section. He slowly inched closer to me and without warning(not that there is ever time for a warning) he let rip a loud fart! Seriously, there were very people people in there but It was enough for me standing less than a foot away to hear. That was revolting! Being ever-polite, i stole a glance at him and then slolwy turned and left him to marinade in his own...er scent
Isn't the protocol to hold it in though I mean how rude was that?

As if that wasn't enough, the landlord had to scold my flatmate for his bad behaviour less than 24hrs after arriving. It had nothing to do with me, lest you think i'm a she-devil!. He apparently left something boiling on the stove the whole night and the landlord(understandably) was livid. He could have burned the house down. I helpfully told the landlord about the incident recently where he left the iron plugged on while he went away coz he hadn't paid the electricity. I only realised after making sure we were back in the black when i saw the light go on, on top of the ironing board cover. Landlord asked me if I told him what he'd done. Of course I hadn't. He wanted to march on and tell him off again but I begged him not to. Give him a week, i sad to him. He (flattie) is now sulking like a little boy) but i guess it's because he can't bully me anymore and won't get way with a lot of the stuff he was getting away with).

Incidentally the landlord knows exatcly what's been going on, we had a long chat about it. He is going to sort him out(i hope), he'd been warned and so when he aske me a direct question I had to be honest. Ironically, Flatmate told him i am the best flatmate. I am wonderful, he couldnt ask for better. Do you wonder why?!:p

I went to a barbecue which i wasn't too sure about because it was going to be much older people/couples. I was the odd one out and so was KV who is the hostess's hairdresser. He's in his 4os but he is gay and we get along well so we were able to chat. The host was in the kitchen preparing something while the rest of us were in the living room, and he just started farting as well. I mean there he was, with food all over the place and his wife kept telling him to stop farting. Eventually he was burping as well and she laughingly said "he's coming out at both ends"!

Now that is what I call "truly bad behaviour