I was damn sorry I couldn't blog yyesterday for I was soo excited I thought i'd piss myself. At it happened my flatmate was ready to crap himself(literally!). Y'see today is the day of reckoning. i expect right this minute the landlord is back in the house, inspecting every nook and cranny. He's probably realised that one of his antique plates(i don't wanna to know their value) is missing, but hey i reported it to the laywer who told me to keep the pieces. What??? That was months ago and yesterday I decided to take them out with the rubbish.No sense in bringing back his anguish is there?:P

Why was my flatmate crapping himself? Because the house was in a right mess. More importantly, he had (almost) defaced the landlord's private room by putting in his stinky stuff so he could paint his damn room and put up a chandelier and have new curtains and cushions while i remained with my little cell which is no bigger than what paris hilton had to endure for only 23days!

This is a room in which i stored a computer unobtrusively in a corner but he deemed it necessary to bully me into removing my computer because "we aren't really meant to store anything in that room", he declared pompously.There he was yesterday, like a rabbit caught in headlight. So much stuff strewn all over the place, all the (dead plants) he had to throw out because he'd bought replacement. Ok, i was meant to look after the plants for the landlord, i did (nearly) my best so i ain't taking the rap for them being dead regadless. On top of all that, a band he is managing was performing at a very famous and popular venue in the west end so clearly he was in the shits. He could either, move his crap out, scrub the room clean(and miss his band performing) or he could try getting rid of the dead plants and moving his crap and he still wouldn't manage to clear out the room before today.

Oh, how fun it was, watching him scrabbling around, not knowing where to start, just minutes after casually asking me if I had seen his curtain.New curtains that is.Tlak about priorities I knew then that the guy was a complete lunatic. So i let him stew for a few minutes but since I really lack the selfishness and the ruthless streak that he seems to possess, I offered to help him. So I moved out the rubbish and vaccumed the living room and the passage while he struggled to move his stuff which clearly wouldn't fit into his room. I almost reminded him of the time he was bullying me about the computer but decided to let it go. I think he would have broken down and cried and I wasn't about to hold his hand...or him

So cleared out the rubbish and promised him I would clean the landlord's room so he could go off to his gig. He was ever so thankful and was even grovelling a little this morning. It ain't over by a long shot though. I am having a discussion with the landlord tonight and telling him exactly what my gripe is/has been about my staying there. Ofocurse he might throw me out since we have to re-negotiate but i would rather have a few things clarified before plunging in again. I quite enjoyed having the upper hand though even though i couldn't exactly let him suffer. I had already cleaned the bathroom(as usual) and the kitchen the previous day so he had one less thing to worry about.

I hope he is shaking in his boots now coz I won't hold back. Let the games begin!

Instead of doing some work this morning and getting on with life(since someone asked me if i had a plan for my life and was shocked when i said no), i have been torturing myself instead.

Email can be a real bitch. I have several folders approrpiately named for whatever purpose i am saving email correspondence for. From 'shcool stuff'to crap to...you get me.

For some stupid reason I went through a particulalry horrible folder today. You may ask why one would keep awful vitriolic emails from awful vitriolic people but sometimes one can't resist.

It's like reading something you have been warned not to read, or read at your own peril(i've just seen pictures from Juzzzy's post from yesterday and my skin still feel funny. like stuff is crawling over it and my scalp...nvere mind!).

Anyway, I have been reading these emails that i have no business keeping. I have read what i have written and what was written to me. I wish I hadn't.

It doesn't help to keep stuff that is of no use to you and will give you high blood pressure instead but i feel like mentally i have just put myself thru the torture chamber.

I have very dark circles under my eyes even though i have been sleeeping (late) through the night. Never had those before. i almost look like a panda. almost:p

I need a distraction. Fast. Help anyone?:p

Fifteeen minutes ago I had 74 blog friends. I just nipped out for a hotchocolate and some crisps and what do you know, I have 73 friends. I was slightly puzzled, looked at my list, then looked again still i couldn't fathom who it was.

I decided to go by aplhabetical order(even though the names are ordered that way), in that way, i could call out the names in my head and see if anyone was missing.

I found her!! It's dear Fatalattraction!
I am so glad i can identify who is on my blog list. There is nothing as niggling as wondering who is gone or why they are gone and still not knowing who they are.

Anyway, I quite enjoyed Fatal's blog when i visited and commented and I hope it will still be ok to visit. I only wish she'd sent a note to say she was zapping me off.

Oh well, c'est la vie

For once I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to write about. I feel there is nothing for me to write about. I don't want to do my usual moaning and bitching but it does disturb me that I absolutely cannot bring myself to write about anything remotely interesting.

Yes, i am reading a book by an author I vowed as a teen never to read(after a couple of books) coxz I thought she was too gooey and frankly her books wmade me want to puke a little. Daniel steel. queen of romances and lifes struggles.

I could write about the rain outside and the woman I saw at a restaurant yesterday who looked like her botox or facelift had gone radically wrong. The scary thing is she must have been only in her late 20, maybe 30s. I am sure something was up with that face.

I could write about my pert nipples which are in a semi-erect state because some lout next to me has put on the fan. I am wearing my sweater now and they still haven't abated. I'll bash his head in if he so much as steals a glance.

Actually let me stop this drivel. I am at a loss at the moment...

I am not sure what is going on with my friendships. A guy at work i am really friendly with has stopped talking to me. He spent the whole day sulking yesterday, i tried coaxing and teasing him out of the sulk (as he would do the same to me) to no avail. Today we never talked, I was avoiding touching him, whereas normally im poking him or he's pulling up my jeans or we are just bantering. There is chemistry between us. good friendly chemistry if there is such a thing.

The bitch of it is I don't know what happened. i know he texted on friday night deperately asking me to lend him money. some problem with his bank account and money not getting into the new account. I said I would bring my bank card as I am carrying pennies on me. Nasty manager, for some reason had it in for him yesterday. He was attacking him at every turn and eventually I jokingly said he must've done something really horrible for nasty to pick on him so constantly. from then onwards things sort of soured.

Nasty later confessed when i cornered him that he had had another talk with the poor boy in the office. i am not sure what was said. My friend had complained that we weren't helping him but instead of asking he sulked. How were we to know he couldn't cope if he wasn't asking?

In the end, he waved goodbye, I asked if he didnt want the money and he waved me away. Ofcourse I texted later to check if he got money elsewhere and he didnt reply. i tried phoning and he didn't pick up. Today was as tense as could be. we barely uttered one word to each other and I suddenly found myself feeling guilty...over what?

I couldnt look at him, I was avoiding his touch and this farce went on for the entire day. I was chatting to other people but he wasn't talking to anyone. Someone actually said he was being emotional and I couldn't completely disagree.

Later on, i was sitting outside, nursing a wonderfully soothing glass of merlot after work and i had someone squeak "bye". I said "see you later". was him. That gave me hope that perhaps he was struggling and suffering as much(if not more than) i was. Frankly I am at a loss. He wont say what i have done wrong. I feel I have let him down by not lending him money although he did run off and decline the offer. I feel like some kind of pariah which i shouldn't since i really haven't done anything wrong but i just can't bear the tension.

How long am I expected to be on tenterhooks acting as if I have wronged someone when I feel I haven't? I'd like to say "fuck him" but it's not that simple. Maybe i did let him down but couldnt he say so we could sort things out? i really tried today and yesterday but it's hard. I dont need this shit.

Why can't people just say what's going on with them and move on. Right now, I am afraid if he acted all "normal" next week I'd blow my top because i might just hold a grudge.I am feeling slightly resentful
grrrrr

How much do we really know our friends/lovers/colleagues/families?
Sometimes I think the need to believe that everyone that we care about or everyone who cares about us is good overrides our sensiblilitites and blinds us to their true characters.

This stems from a conversation I had with a friend earlier over someone we both know. My friend loves this person dearly (although he would deny it), or better he holds great affection for this person. This person hates me. I believe to the point where they would actually behead me/shoot me/abuse me/ stab me, you name it. I have actually had nightmares about it. I kid you not.

I jokingly metioned to my friend that he should have a party and invite me and said surely it would be fun. he said it indeed would be particularly with my arch nemesis there.I went on to say yes, it would be particulalry if he were holding me down so my head would be chopped off so they could roast my ears and have them as part of the barbecue. Sick i know(although i think my ears would be tasty! ). But this offended and shocked him so much so he wanted to end the conversation immediately. He did not believe his friend hated me that much or rather did not want to enetertain the possibility that his friend had possible violent tendencies. I have no doubt in my mind that anyone with that amount of venomn or psychological problem would shoot/chop or stab on the spot without thinking. perhaps I am paranoid although i don't believe i am.

It makes me wonder though how much we are willing to delude ourselves about our relatives/lovers or friends. Would we rather see them for who they are whether they are mentally disturbed or psychotic or really rational and exciting or do we switch off from seeing their less palatable traits for it would taint how we view them and even disturb the status quo in our relationships?

My friend eventually put the phone down and I had to phone back and say "it was a joke you know!", which it was...to some extent. but it made me wonder if his discomfort with imagining such a scene stemmed from him knowing it might well be possible, or from a denial that I was indeed accurate and therefore did not want to confront that particular truth, or that he is simply sensitive and doesn't like thinking about gory stuff.

Personally i cant think of one person that I have ever hated enough to want to gore or maim. I think in my naivete, i have always tried tried to understand what made people tick and my initial instincts about people are always dead accurate. Most of us do not heed that inner voice but it hardly ever misleads us. Still, if there was an axe-murderer out there i would still try to understand why they had turned into an axe murderer and empathise to some degree. Maybe i am just foolish

On the other hand, work was rather trying today although one customer came in to say goodbye, she had enjoyed being a customer and knowing us personally. I though she was going to cry. she is going back home to Sweden, I always thought she was french as she conversed with nasty manager in french but no, she is a swede. poor woman, i think she will miss us and the place more than we shall remember her but i though it sweet that she came all the way. nasty on his rare bright mood offered her a free brunch and she refrained from crying. she had been very very close to tears.

I had two glasses of wine after work. I had to. Iam now relaxed and will have a good night after a good shower. i has been a trying day andi beleive tomorrow might be worse.

Afterwork activities might be inetersting though...keep you posted

I fucking hate blog.co.uk

I have just lost a precious post and wish to slash the powers that be's wrists!!

I feel like a child on a see-saw but let me start with the positive:

Dinner with my girl friend went well. We went to a little greek restaurant in covent garden that had rather cute and smiley waiters:D. I had the lamb couscous which didn't have too much flavour and she had the moussaka. we passed on dessert but shared a bottle of wine which went down rather well. We felt tispy after a glass each and started giggling like teenagers.

I am not sure I helped, but i think she has made the firm decision to definitely move on. The guy has given her false hope too many times and God knows how many times she's cried because he disappointed her. She deserves a well-balanced person now not someone who still needs to sort his head out.

I went to another friend's for dinner last night. That guy whom I feel sort of fancies me because his behavour has changed recently. We had a roast dinner: roast chicken, potatoes and a green salad. He served juice. I suppose being a man who works in finance he needs to be sober at all times. He had a loit of Financial times newpspaers and the Economist magazine scattered all over. Anyway, I bundled them of and threw them in a corner. It was a pleasant dinner, started off well with a bit of banter and general talk then he got a bit weird. Asking me how I wanted guys to ask me out and yet saying he has "retired" from asking girls out. So I told him not to worry about other guys' strategies. Sometimes he'd go quiet and stare at me which i found a little unnerving. Then he suddenly annouced he "had to be in my bedroom in 15mins". That startled me a bit as i didn't even know what time it was. It was 9pm so i told him I'd go then. Which i did promptly.

We had a hug when I reached the train station and I wasn't sure what to make of it.

Then a bombshell was dropped on me. The landlord's lawyer phoned to let me know the landlord was coming back next week and "he would take things from there". Presumably that meant my fate on whether I continued to stay there or not. I felt my heart drop to my boots and i was anxious for the rest of the night. Of course he won't kick me out as one friend pointed out but I remember how stressed out I was a few months ago, looking for a place to stay and having agreements fall through.I know once I get anxious all the panic comes and i can only try to ride out the storm.

As if that wasn't bad enough, i got home to find the flat in total darkness. Meaning my dear flatmate had neglected to top up the electricity in the two weeks that I was away house-sitting for my friend even though I had paid for electricity before i left. That was the last straw but i just didn't have the energy to curse and break all the antiques in the house. So there i was, using my mobile as a torch to find the blasted card to go and top up, plus pay for arrears.

Alas, and there was light! To my horror, i discovered that he had plugged in the iron and switched it on, and then abandoned the ironing instead of doing the right thing and buying electricity. Good thing i noticed that for the ironing board would have caught fire and that building would be no more. Possibly. I am sure he came back and left again for he had taken my set of keys this morning. But what a rude and inconsiderate person. I wanna kill him or better, inform the powers that be to withdraw his MBE. I think that would hit him really hard

So here I am, feeling jittery about what is going to happen next week. The landlord and I will have to have a very serious discussion regarding bills and how they are shared. Like I have said before, i dont' have a child in his 30s that I have to look after. I can barely look after myself at the moment.

I didn't sleep a wink last night, instead I was plagued by nightmares which seem to reccur when I get one of my anxiety attacks.

Anyway, i guess i'll just have to wait and see, no point in getting too worked up. I am not sure though i can stay with both of them and I reckon the landlord and i will have to have a very serious discussion regarding paying bill.

I don't need this stress.

I suddenly wondered what i had blogged about a year ago today.

My post was titled secrets. I'm reposting it to see if some of the people who commented then have a difference of opinion now. It brought back a lot of memories(mostly bad) of what i was going thru at the time....

Secrets

Monday, 19. Jun, 2006 - 15:44:42
I learned from an early age that only two people can keep a secret...provided one of them is dead. I might have read it somewhere and I think my mother reiterated the point somewhere along the way. We all think we have secrets but they aren't really secret are they? not if another living soul besides yourself knows. It used to amuse me as a teenager when someone whispered something to me and said it was a secret. God, I was trusted with sooo many secrets precisly because I never opened my gob to anyone. They all knew this the confessors. Maybe it helped that I never confessed anything. Not that i had anything to confess

later

I feel a lot better today. I am cautiously happy. Woke up in a good mood, I have stayed postive.

I am meeting a friend later who says she wants to use me as a therapist. We are going to analyse text conversations with her ex. dear or dear, but i hope we'll have fun though. a nice restaurant in covent garden should do it.:D

I am even wearing a skirt today, i have a little cleavage peeping and I have been told I look radiant:P. Maybe it's because i met a friend and laughed a lot yesterday.But i think it's more because i have chosen to have a more postive day and banish the dark clouds.

I think that's the power of positive thinking.

Thank you to those who've been supportive.

Seany, you've been great and the same goes to Antlady, memoMama,Neil YY and all my other friends.
cheers
:p:D:D:D:P

6:30am: a call from my manager to let me know he was running late and so I would have to wait outside since he had the keys to the building. I thought "shit, it's gonna be one of those days". It was.

7:30am: Heaved in to work, the door was open, a stranger was sitting in there playing on his laptop. I waved hello and went on to start the day. Five minutes later, the manager arrived and started swearing because he's been stitched up(un)intentionally by his superior. he didn't have to get up early after all or even ring me. Why was he using me as a sounding board?!

9:00am: Work gets of to a rather slow start and of course (nasty) manager is in his element. It seems he has been demoted, a point I unthinkingly and blunty pointed out when he ranted on about how he is being moved to the new premises in August, that he wont be a "duty" manager anymore but rather a supervisor, supervising his own little section and training others. Myself and another colleague, in unison said "so what will you do when they are trained?". He seemed bewildered by that but he truly believes it's a step up. I rather think he's in denial and it's a coping mechanism.

10:00: He insists on sending me on a break, a sweet Italian colleague begs him in Italian not to do so as I'd have to endure 7 more hours of standing, hardly moving and not getting a deserved break. Like the bastard and sadist he is, he refuses. I feel myself close to snapping and I just walk out. I am back in 20minutes (as stipulated by government) minus the the pay (unstipulated by the government but endorsed by the company). I spend the next 30 minutes in a huff.

11:30: I get a rather difficult customer who insists on telling me how to do my job. No, she rather thinks she knows my job. She doesn't she is a customer. I tell her i shall oblige just to make her happy however...

She sees the folly of her ways, her ears burn and she apologises profusely. She knows she is in the worng, I know it but at this point I am close to breaking point.I don't care about the apology. Half an hour later, there is a miscommunication about orders between myself and my self-appointed advocate. I look confused. I actually become confused. She asks me what I am doing. For some odd reason, I feel humiliated. She is only 19yrs. She asked "what are you doing?" three times. That gets to me.I feel like crying but I hold it together.

I tell her I am going to the back for a bit and I lock myself in a toilet cubicle and try to breath slowly. I tell myself it's only a job. I am responsible for my own feelings. Soon I go back. I can't hide forever. One colleague tries to tease me, it rubs me up the wrong way and I punch him in the chest. He is rock-hard so that has no effect. I slap his bum instead but i rather think he enjoys it so I give up

My advocate says she doesn't like to see me sad, I guess i wear my feelings on my face literally. I am trying hard to work out why I am so upset. I come up with a few theories. Old stuff really. Then I latch on to the idea it might be PMT. It's not. I am ovulating(i think) so I should be horny not mopey. I can't wait for 5pm to come.

1:00pm: A text from my flatmate telling me he's been made MBE as part of the queens birthday celebration. I am astounded! If only they awarded things like that for being considerate, paying your share of the bills on time and cleaning the bloody toilet, I think to myself!. I chuckle inwardly. He is obviously chuffed and needs approval. I sense he texted everyone in his mobile directory. I duly reply enthusiastically and congratulate him.It's an honour afterall right?! He replies and says we'll celebrate and sends a a kiss. This baffles me a bit but never mind:b

4:00pm: I have survived, still got an hour to go. I don't bother to ask to leave early. The place would fall apart. In any case I think my little almost-break-down has subsided for the moment. It quietens down a bit, i chat with another colleague who has just arrived. Nasty comes to say goodbye, I wave him off and busy myself.

5:00pm: I am done. The inexplicable day from hell is over. I decide to have a Nandos on the south bank.They won't give me a cider to go. I am not bothered. A girl who quit last week sends a text to come to her house for a little party. I missed her farewell drinks, I don't particulalry wanna go home, she's is only in canary Wharf so i respond and say yes. I get 4 cans of beer from Sainsbury's, meet one of her Uni friends while we are searching for her flat. She is terribly bad at giving directions and refuses to come down to collect us. Fury wells up inside me...again, but i calm down enough to smile when we (eventually) enter the flat.

Interesting mix of people. Three offer me pot almost immediately. I refuse. They refuse to believe I don't smoke it. I have beer with the japanese girl(the one I arrived with), we have another one and then one more. I start dancing. the music is good.We chat generally, I start to laugh and enjoy myself. They ask about work, i give them a look. They get it. They understand I am glad I haven't spoken to anyone on the phone. Couldn't bear to.

Eventually I check my watch. It's 23h00. Time to dash, i brook no arguments. We manage to catch the last westbound tube and I arrive home, brush my teeth, drink water and sleep.

I had a meeting this morning. It went well. I still feel a bit morose but I am ok

I have a mirror inside my head. Sometimes I look into it and wonder what my purpose for being is.

Sometimes i "look at the reflection in that mirror and think what a wonderful, complex, intelligent, funny, compassionate and pragmatic creature you are. At other times, i'll think what a stupid stupid girl. What are you doing to yourself. Why do you dither and never make decisions.How can you cope with the person you have chosen to be. Are you who you really should be.

And then, I think to myself, "sod it, you are thinking too much as usual".

However, sometimes I look into a real mirror like now, and in my time of solitude i feel grateful for having compassion and having friends and aqcuaintances who see the good in me. Those people who feel a couple of words of encouragement or a simple smile and a squeeze of their hand has made a difference to them.

In that moment, i don't feel so useless and hopeless anymore. In that moment I accept that I am a drifter but I am not drifting towards the tide. I am drifting towards my destiny and can change direction at any time.

I fee a littl sad right now. It is not because I am depressed as such but rather because I feel a change somewhere at the back of my mnd. I can't quite put my finger on it. It will come to me. However Perhaps it's because I wont have solitude again for a long time but I feel blessed that a friend gave me the opportunity to chill out(with her cat ) and try to recentre myself.

My health has improved, my weight hasn't but i am grateful for the little angels out there who look out for me when i lose hope.

Now, i am going to gorge on a lmab rogan josh prepped by yours truly.

For those of you feeling a little down or lost, remember it doesn't last forever.

Happy weekend everyone

My friend A is getting a little too close for comfort. I can't quite put my finger on when the change occured and for all I know it might be on my mind.I doubt it though.

I met him thru a friend, he was at that wonderful christmas party I threw(who'll blow my trumpet if I dont? ).When my friend moved abroad, we kept in touch. I've been for dinner at his place, but recently he phones me almost daily. He'd been looking for a place to stay and was asking advice regarding areas because the estate agents always show him dungeons and hell holes. However when we are together, he gets a littl e too close. Another friend said maybe he fancies me, and I didsmissed that. Now I wonder...

He rang the other day when I felt very sick and he got into such a state, telling me to see a Dr and that he will ring me again to see how I am getting on. He is definitely sounding like more than an acquaintance. I don't like him getting too touchy feely though and so I have the delicate task of showing/explaining to him that we can just be friends. Maybe I should just play it by ear in case I have it wrong

I feel so much better, I think taking aspirin at night has helped me sleep better. Ok, i did have some wine yesterday and a bit of tiramisu but that's better than not eating and having a swollen throat.

I feel a bit sad about leaving this house and going back to my rather depressing home and having to prompt my flatmate about everything from bills and cleanliness. Interestingly, i have been a bit sloppy here by myself. I think i only get worked up if I am sharing space with other people. It's ok that i am alone, I am not being incosiderate to anyone.

It is my late mother's birthday today. Perhaps it's true that time heals all wounds. I remember a couple of years ago when her birthday came and i was in such a state. I even lit a cnadle for her and was generally feeling down the whole day. Today, I am aware that it's her birthday and I am actually ok with it. Atleast I am now and I am not gonna turn into some sobbing idiot today. It is ok, I suppose I will always remember thse little dates as people do.

Cheerio

I have a bad case of tonsilitis. The last time that this happened i ended up at St mary's hospital for 5 days, with an intravenous tube on my arm for three of those days. I had had to rush myself to the A&E because my boss at work at that time wouldn't let me go and see a Dr thinking nit wasn't serious. So it was quite funny when she phoned the following day and my friuend answered my phone and barked at her from the hopsital bedside.

Back to now: I basically fell sick in the early hours of yesterday and it just got progressively worse. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday, was feverish and hallucinating a little bit. So eventually when i roused myself at 6pm and forced myself to eat something i thought I'd call the surgery first thing in the morning because they never answer the phones promptly and they always have a new receptionist. Wonder why

So this morning i spoke to some guy who really sounded like he would rather be lying in bed somewhere or cheating pensioners out of their savings in some African country. It all went well initially, he gave me a slot for 11am after saying there was no Dr today. I begged and pleaded to see the nurse or anyone available and he relented. Soon after he told me I had been removed from their records. Mind you, i have been mysteriously removed from the register. The woman at the time could not explain why. I hadn't moved areas or done anything wrong and her only explanation was that maybe the hospital had been co-ordinating records with GPs and made a mistake. That set off alarm bells because as far as I know and understand, it you go to a walk-in clinic or some sexual health clinic or anything else you are always given the option of whether you want your GP to be informed or not. I always say no, it's not his business whether you have thrush or not and get treatement for it.

Anyway, the bastard today fed me the same line. Ok, i have moved recently and cofessed to that but couldn't they see me as it is an emergency? the bastard told me if it was such an emergency then I could find a GP in my area and they would do an emeregency registration and see me! i have never heard such bollocks!! Why couldn't they see me as an emeregecny bearing in mind what had happened the last time? they should be monitored anyway but the guy was adamant and wanted to give me an NHS direct number so I couldn scout for a GP. Never mind that I am in Richmond and not central London at the moment.

He even put me on hold and cut me off eventually, and I had to ring back and find out why. He said he thought I had put the phone down. In the end, his tune was that I am not in the register, could not explain why I wasn't as I hadn't gone to say I'm moving and told me i'll have to go to A&E or find a GP somewhere for emergencies. And you wonder why the NHS is such a shambles!!

I can't go to London today to look for a GP, I have to work later this morning so basically i am fucked. I don't know if chemists have stuff for tonsils because i've been told I'll probably need anti-biotics but i really feel let down and angry.

Something like this could really have been avoided and i don't think in some of the stupid cases you can blame the government. sometimes employees lack common sense.

I just hope there aren't complications

My friend Sophie is flying home to Belgium to see her dying grandma one last time.She has told us her friends that she is old,(in her 80s) has inoperable cancer of the pancreas and so they all expect the end to come soon. I think the doctors have given her 6months maximum but as in many cases, people start to deteriorate fast.

She keeps smiling and saying it's okay as she is old and I just feel sad for there are no words to comfort anyone expecting a loss. i know it's s grandparent and clearly she feels great affection for her. Just the other week she was tearing her hairs out looking for a birthday present for her. The granny had told her to send just a card as she doesn't really need much. Also it turns out that she is very finicky. If you buy a nighty then it has to be long sleeved and of a ceratin amterial. She doesn't read much, she's got slippers. I suggested a simple necklace with an engraved pendant or a bracelet as she felt strongly about buying her something meaningful.

I feel sorry for her. it brings back bad memories for her but she'll have both her parents and the rest of the family to comfort her when the time comes. i think she has resigned herself to the fact and as nonchalant as she like to act, her email was very telling today: I just thought i'd fly home this weekend to see my gradmother one more time. I think she knows it will probably be the last time she sees her before she dies. All she wanted was to know the fasted easiest way to get to Stansted airport.

Why am i writing about this? I don't know, except i can understand how difficult dealing with death is, which is why we should celebrate life as much as we can

I need help please. and fast. I am trying to get a digicam over the internet and I have been getting bogged down with reading the reviews and I can't decide which one i want. I had a Nikon coolpix4600 ages ago(was stolen) and I find myself gravitating towards the nikons even thought the latest ones don't seem to be getting great reviews.

The cannonA430 seems good enough but I don't think there's a lot of them left. They have been replace by the A550.

WhaT i am looking for is a compact, uncomplicated camera tat has dfferent shooting modes, comes with a rechargeable battery(and charger), has takes great shots, has video mode and costs between 80-120quid. Maximum 6megapix. i dont think i need more than that.

What do you recommend out there? i don't have time to go to argos and the like over the weekend, i will be too tired. I need it as soon as possible. I am still gravitating towards the nikon( a case of the devil you know syndrome).

If anyone has a any recommendations so i can stop dithering and actually buy the camera i would appreciate it.Im sick and tired of straing at the computer and not following thru coz im confusing myself.
Ta.