There is nothing more humiliating than puking on the tube, getting off the very same tube in Kilburn, being told by tube staff that"that was the last one love, there isn't another going back down" and having to fumble your way out of the station,getting on a night bus to god-knows-where and finally having the sense to get off the friggin bus and try to find nottinghill on foot.

Reading road signs, phoning people after midnight and not remembering and finally finding your street and stumbling into bed after 2am, having had the decency to brush your teeth because that's like an obsession and breaking the bedside lamp (again ) and promptly passing out. Oooh, nothing like getting up 40minutes before you are due at work, hearing your phone ring and confusing the sound with the normal blare of the alarm and cutting someone off who then texts to ask if you are too hung over and that you must be careful, and go to work in order not to be sacked!

It gets even better when you eventually shuffle through the doors at work, walking gingerly to avoid shaking anything up in your stomach and proceeding to work in silence, sipping a mug of redbush tea. Nothing like your Italian signorita colleague, coming in and nodding her understanding since she was in the same condition the previous day, and them moaning about losing £20 worth of hashish. aah the beauty of being 20yrs!

There is absolutely nothing worse than eating a scrambled egg and them starting to protectile vomit everything and nothing that was in your stomach and having everyone think you are having some kind of morning sickness and being adviced to take a pregnancy test by men and women..It doesn't help when your tummy looks like you are carrying a 4month old foetus at that time. Nothing quite like serving a customer and leaving in the middle of talking to them to hurl out the remnants of whatever made you sick in the first place.

The only thing to lessen the humiliation is when your manager agrees to let you go home early because he genuinely thinks it was something you ate, when it was actually a warm heineken, and two bottles of wine in rapid succession, with a very big girl who felt none of the effects that gave you Alcohol blood poisoning.

Aaaah,it's a blissful feeling to tumble into bed, laying quite still and hearing Noel Edmonds offer some poor granny a deal when she might actually go home with a penny on Deal or No Deal.

A litre and a half of water later, some plain rice and cleaning up the kitchen in which my room mate had left chicken casserole to ferment for days on the stove and the bin to runneth over, i felt ready to have normal conversation with people...on the phone.

Thankfully i didn't ring anyone i shouldn't have rung. I feel a lot better today and have started my detox programme. water, fruit, raw vegetables. I hope transport for Londond will have the sense to destroy the CCTV footage. It won't be pretty

My first client this morning, who is alsio a friend was quite distraught when i saw her this morning. apparently her husband, whom she remarried a couple of months ago after divorcing over 10yrs ago threatened to throw boiling potatoes at her last night. This is the very guy who beat the shit out of her over a 20yr period while they were married and she used to always cower and lie for him. As most abused people do. She'd convinced herself he'd changed.

He has prostrate cancer at the moment and I guess part of it is pity, she doesnt want him to die alone. He isn't dying yet. Atleast she stood up for herlsef. She told him to go ahead and do it thereby calling his bluff and he stormed out instead. In the past she would apparently have been shaking and apologetic but the whole thiong shook her up.

I am taking her out tonight for a meal. i can't really afford it but i am worried about her. She doesnt want anyone to know, but i had to report it to my suoperior. and therein lies the dilemma: perhaps i shouldnt have reported it and respected her privacy but the way she was, i just thought to report it ...just in case something happens over the weekend. she reckons her sons would kill him. i feel sorry for her nd i am not taking her out because of pity. i care about her but maybe im taking on more than i should.

Why do people never learn?! I hope reporting it wont come back to bite me although i have been assured it will be kept on record but she won't be quizzed

I have some sweet memories of playing with him as a child, or driving around and him telling all the names of the towns and villages we went past and making me recall them later.

He was a very funny man, meaning people would actually stop to listen to the jokes he was telling. I think they laughed more because his laugh was so infectious. Invariably he'd laugh before finishing the joke and so we'd all laugh along because he was laughing and that would become the joke.

I was twelve when he died. He'd promised to ring me the day before at boarding school and when i didn't hear anything i was frantically trying to ring him at work and not getting thru.

Then a few relatives came and i was taken out in the middle of my lunch to be told. This is not some soppy post. I used to talk to him everyday(when he was dead, well still is ), and sometimes i'd think i was seeing him in the house. I miss his sense of humour though, his wit, his gentleness. I think my mother was more academically superior and they were both great story tellers and made us their children and other people laugh but he was the sportsman and i inhreitted the brains and brawn from both of them.

So today, I remember the man who is the reason i am on this earth. I remember the fact that 50% of him is in me. If I have bad traits I also have very good ones that i got from him. I wish he was here to tell me a story, or to teach me new words or to just laugh with me so I can be merry.

I bet he is making everyone laugh wherever he is.

Happy birthday Daddy.. I remember you

I have been on internet games this entire morning instead of getting on with work. Specifically internet cherckers or rather draughts as it should be called.

I was lazy to get up again this morning. Last night, flatmate, myself and the landlord's ex sat up talking in the kitchen. We got to the subject of domination and submission. I told them about slave wanna-be and he told us about a friend of his who craps on the wife. He looked very disturbed. I can understand about crapping or indeed golden showers but a bit of spanking never hurt did it??. anyway we tried to explore why people have those tendencies whereas others are just content to be conventional. I got to bed after midnight with a terrible toothache.

All I want to do now is sleep. How did i become so lazy???

Anyway, enjoy your Teuesday, there's been no drama in my life so far:D

A friend cooked me dinner last night. He is going abroad on friday and it seems he'd gone to a restaurant a few days ago where he had pasta with "the best sauce ever" and he tried to replicate that for me. He was a bit touchy feely when we met. hug, then arm around my for the better part of the walk to him apartment. Of course I had taken care to get out of my work staff and put on a sexy-ish top...not that i was going for a seduction night or anything.

We initially had drinks and chatted amicably and it actually turned out that one of the girls that i was talking about went to school or uni with him. He just asked me to descirbe the girl and asked where she grew up and Bingo! next thing we were on the phone to this girl and she was vetry excited. It is a very small world. They haven't seen each other on four or five years so it will be nice for them to meet and they are only a few tube stations away from each other.

He put on some music. One of those guys who unwind with jazzy music on sundays and he has a wide collection of music anyway. WE listened to a bit of aretha frankling, back in the day when i wasn't even born and as nice as it was I think she shrieks a little bit sometimes. And then I discovered a little gem. A double CD of Mrvin Gaye. I don't think anyone can go wrong with SExual Healing can they?. we then chatted about how women used to apparently throw their knickers on stage when he performed, he wondered how they got them off. He then suggested that mybe they just snipped the thongs at the back to make it easier but i said I didn't think g-strings were invented then. It's likely that they wore and those would have been very difficult to get off.

In the end we settled on the idea that they could have brought the bloomers along(clean hopefully) and then thrown them. Anyway, the food was great. Just when i was about to leave, and was dancing he came up behind me and startedholding me and dancing with me, but i we were both facing the same direction and looking at our reflections in the mirror. He walked me to the tube and I went staright to bed very happy and relaxed.

This morning i just couldn't get up. I dragged myself out of bed around 7:40am had a shower, then went to eat some cereal and I suddenly felt nauseous. I literally had to creep back in bed and just lay still. I promptly fell asleep for about 1hr and I am not sure how i feel now. clearly something isn't right . I feel exhausted and a bit sick.

The good news is I am wearing that pair of jeans I got last week. The size 6 one. It's still a bit loose but i think it looks great. I think a lot more men will want to cook pasta for me

my avatar in the profile is gone!! or atleast I can't see it? can anyone see it in my profile? i miss my pink hair and i don't know how to get it back. sienna love, help please. you gave me the website a long time ago. I feel sio anonymous now,. miss my nice thighs and short skirt and sexy shirt.aargh
how do i get it back???

Have a laugh!!

- Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa: wild, naturally beautiful
and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.:D

- Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America: well-developed and open
for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India: sensual, relaxed, in full
bloom, aware of her beauty.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its
whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...

MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...

before your wild imagination start running wild i am talking about size of a different variety. The argument over the size of a man's schlong will continue forever but right now i am talking clothes.

Since i have busted almost all my pairs of jeans, never mind the ones which zippers gave up, i have been on the hunt ofr a new pair. At least for the moment. I got it today. I was quite lucky because i had to skip seeing another client. She had nipped out and unfortunately I didn't have my key to her place. She said I could go round to her son's to get a key but last week they(she and relatives) disturbed him during the day while he was entertaining a girl. Lucky him who can have sex at 1pm on a sartuday. I wish!

Anyway, i got a pair of jeans, tried a size 8(while fearing it wouldn't contain my ever growing derriere and lo and behold, it was too big! I mean it has some stretch material but it was still loose around the waist and i felt it was altogether too lose, so i tried a size 6 and it fit perfectly.

I know damn well that i am not a size6 so they must have altered the inches on the jeans to make us women feel better about ourselves. On this day it really made me feel good because i know the ugly truth!. Next i'll be getting those running shoes. I am serious about getting into shape. The booty and dem thighs need a bit of tightening and then I can saunter around in hotpants in the summer! wohoo! looking forward to that.

If you are lucky you might just get a picture and decide for yourselves whether it's been worth it or not.

I have some personal turmoil that i am grappling with. I think Katie middleton and I should share a vodka and tonic and nitch a bit

Well, well, well, It's happened again. Some disgruntled John Doe in America decided to go into a university and blow 33 innocent people to smithereens! Naturally Aericans are shell-shocked, they know this too shall pass, as indeed the Amish massacre and the columbine massacre passed.

What I find interesting is the fact that the shootings are happening in schools or colleges. Places of learning. Places for children or adolescent. What does that say about american kids? Is this their way of trying to be heard? Is anybody actually listening to them? what pressures are they experiencnig day to day?

I understand that the gun lobby is verey vehement about the right to be armed, a right that is enshrined in their esteemed constitution. Obviously rights come with responsibilities and I feel Americans have failed dismaly in that regards. Any right that is not respected needs to be reviewed or modified but already the signs seem to point to the fact that discussing guns and a possible amendment to the law regarding guns will simply be a waste of time.

I used tio shudder when i lived there, walkind around and seeing cars pass me by with a dog in the back seat a a huge rifle by the window. iIt seemed to me to be a message of intimidation. The fact that anyone really can get a gun without a necessary background check because "it's a consitutional right means, A Virginia, Columbine and Amish school kind of incident will happen again and again and again.

I feel sorry for the victims families, losing a family member is hard but losing them to such a horrific act of violence is even worse. However I feel it's up to the Americans now to wake up and do some introspection. Look at what's bugging their children, ask themselves whether they really need all those guns and find the courage to stand up to gun brigage and lobby to say enough is enough. We value our lives and our childrens life and this is not good for us. Perhaps I won't be so cynical then, perhaps the rest of the world will actually be properly shocked when something like this happens.

As it stands now, when the massacres happen, I think the rest of the world thinks "hasn't this happened before?" Wake up America and save your children!

Today I am determined to buy a new pair of jeans that fits well. One pair's zip is buggered. Another pair has a hole somewhere in the thigh region im pretty sure it's the friction from tube seats not getting fatter, another pair is too tight at the moment and exposes my bum cleavage and i have had to throw out a couple of other pairs. In other words I do not have a good pair of jeans!!! They said on morning TV that shops are actually reducing waist inches to make us think we are thinner. so if your jeans say "30inch" at the waist, it actually means 36! ouch! I think we should just believe the labels for our own peace of mindMaybe i should be going for dresses!

The good thing is my extra inches means I have a cleavage from heaven at the moment:p I am not sorry to say it looks rather divine and I could see the guys coming down the stairs at the tube ogling it while i sashayed up and pretended to ignore them. I still sort of avoid looking at the long length mirror which is difficult as there is one right on the front of the batroom door so the is no way to go in without seeing myself approaching.

So mission number two should be to get running shoes. cheap-ish ones. im gonna start with walking briskly and i'll graduate to running. I want my toned thighs back! I can't believe they are gone. I know i am getting on in age and everything slows down but i am trying to eat chillies as well and make my food extra hot and also eat lots of veggies. They(chilli peppers) are supposed to hurry the metablism. I sure hope so because i am determined to get a new bikini and flaunt my beautiful booty later on in the summer. The boobs will probably go but i can forego those for a properly sculpted body.

Does anyone think Kate middleton had a lucky escape? I think she certainly had a wake-up call. She could have learned from my ordinary life: planning your existence around a guy who knows they can have anyone is always disastrous. Never mind that people say they met too early or that college romances don't last but the truth as far as I can see it is that she was too devoted to him and they took the relationship a bit too seriously.At 24. they should've started late like me. Now if she'd been going out with her girlfriends and making him aware there were other guys interested he wouldnt have taken her for granted. Maybe if she actually gets a proper job and becomes her own woman he'll still keep an eye.

Either way, I am available and he'd bloody work hard for my affections and yes, he'd be lucky to have me!!

Ok, enough drivel, i feel more postive today. I still have issues in the mouth(teeth ulcer), a problem "down there" bit of thrush not too bad, im nippin it in the bud but it's such a pian. I feel like Im falling apart even thought i feel a lot better emotionally.

Oh, and I am having an assessment on wednesday for the course work sent me. Hoisting someone up, cleaning them up, food, health and safety and so on. I have only been there twice but i hope it will go well. I don't want to do this job anymore but geting the assement out of the way means I can move on, with some piece of paper to boot.

Happy monday

The PMS wasn't enough. It spilled into my saturday and I was ratty as hell at work. The day manager made the mistake of trying to bully me or perhaps questioning the way i was doing my job and i recall shouting at him, with the F-word included somewhere in the middle of my quick rant. He was shocked, I was just numb. I remember him saying "Princess you can't get so angry". Why not, i thought. I was actually giggling inside my head but outwardly i was miserable as poor katie Middleton at the moment(too bad I'll bag Wills now ).

Anyway, the day proceeded to get worse culminating in a very drunk customer making a complint just an hour before i was due to finish work. That was the last straw. A massive headache set in, I was close to tears but thankfully a friend had texted to meet at Picaddilly later on. I went straight there, packed like sardines on the tube and we proceeded to Soho.

It was great, we found this great Bar on Old Compton and I immediately ordered a large glass of white wine. I needed something to lift me or drown my sorrows. It was great. I hadn't touched the stuff in more than a week. I had another one soon after and then ordered a huge burger with large chips. It was alright but condering I had had a bacon sandwich just before leaving work, i was really doing my stomach(and thighs a disservice. The waiter was cute, wasn't sure which side he batted for but i relaxed and even flirted a bit. He was very attentive to us, he opened a tab but asked for a card which i gave to him. I hope my bank account wont be wiped out not that there is anything much to wipe out anyway.

I drank water and then had a final glass just before 10pm. We had been in that place for just over two hours. In the end there were four of us, we watched a couple on the next table on some kind of date, they really looked cute. both very well-dressed but they really looked like young boys. cute. I got home just before 11pm, as soon as I hit the pillow, i received a call from my landlord who wanted to thank me for looking after his ex, who has been staying at the house, who has now thrown some of our cooking utensils out. Fltamate reckons it's to do with their(landlord and ex) relationship some 30-odd years ago. She and I need to talk as soon as she comes back from where she's gone to.

Happy to say, I felt a lot better today. My depression had lifted a lot. Customers were complimentary and I even cracked a few smiles. One customer asked to fill out a comment card to say how wonderful I was which was excellent. Equally there were three bad comments about THAT manager, saying he should treat his staff better and that he should be friendlier. WE found it hilarious and true. Shouting at staff in front of customers is not impresive and being agressive towards customers is a no no. He should try passive aggression like I do. Gtes them in line every time.

I have just spent a couple of hours chatting to some colleagues and chilling out reading the papers. I am now going to have a long shower, wash my hair thoroughly and just relax. I think it will be a positive week. I am willing it to be after being in the doldrums this past week

PMS sucks. It sucks big time.

I have been so bloated that i have twice thought of getting a pregnacy test. I kid you not.

Then there's the mood swings. not that my current mood cycle has far to swing.

Maybe it's coz om off the drink. Maybe it's coz i look at my thighs in the mirror and want to scream with horror. maybe it's because i have a cold sore and am not looking my best.

Maybe it's just PMS. Fuck it

The more you move on, the more you move in a circle. Miss Bimbo, who seems to turn up where I am at any given time accosted me at the tube station. How she always gets to see me before I clock her and hide is beyond me. Perhaps it was because I was stupidly reading a book on the platform instead of scanning faces. But then, I thought she still resided near Mister Deciever and therefore used the nottinghill gate tube. Alas, that is not the case. She is lieterally my neighbour now. Well a couple of streets away. Why oh, why??

So she sidled over and I only saw her when she called out my name(sneaky bitch!). Of course I pasted a smile on, and leaned over for that famle hug. You know, the kind that says, i don't want to do this, you should be out of my life but i have class so have a hug?!. Yes that very one. That is when she told me she'd moved, I wondered why but she'd had a great year and it was time to move on. Seems landlady didin't like her bringing friends over(she claims), she is irish and could drink for the entire country to be honest. God knows I nearly lost my teeth one time....

Anyway, she's done with being Next to Deciever and really if he is fucking some other bimbo then what's the point f her being round the corner if she can't nip it for her nightly(unsatisfactory fuck!). I know i am sounding bitchy but so what???

We had a pleasant conversation I have to admit. She is changing jobs, she advised me on getting a new job, she asked if I had a social life being so busy with work and studies and so on. How dare she?! I sweetly informed her that I had a very full social life, that in fact I had a dinner party the previous weeeknd and that I am renouned for my culinary skills these days. She countered that She was a good cook too. Not when being good means shaking your ass in front of a guy you are not!

The main thing is for once, i didn't feel trapped seeing this girl, or hurt(because of the whole deiver saga), or confused. I was able to talk with her instead of running away and I wasn't bothered at all. I congratulated myself when she got off(she hugged me) and was pleased about how far I had come. The woman who for a short time seemed to be my nemesis and thoughts of her could drive me to tears or to see a psychologist is just nothng. She is a bimbo, a bimbo I can have a laugh with with no qualms. She brought up deciever , something about meeting while on holiday abroad recently. I wasn't interested.

She wont be coming to any of my dinner parties, but I have definitely healed and I am pleased about that. I'll drink apple juice to toast my coming of age emotionally.

When it rains it pours. cliched but true. I have men coming out of the woodwork. Ex-men, current men, almost men and possibble future men. seriously. On Thurday, i was bombarded with phone calls from the teacher who demanded to know where I am and wanted to meet. Of course, unlike him, i don't get regular holidays and i was busy working. Besides, he annoyed be by asking where i was without any preamble. How dare he!

Then the slave rang, very apologetic that he was ringing me during workinghours(atta boy:p!) and respectfully asked permission to ring back later, which i granted. Then i had a call from sort of current man whom i told about:pall these other admires. he knows about them anyway and he found that highly amusing.

Yesterday the slave took me out for dinner because he'd been holding my birthday card. Poor thing, the card was beautiful. He has afoot fetish so it was no suprise that the card had shoes on the cover. But he also gave me vouchers for M&S which i found really sweet. I felt a bit guilty because i know he can't really afford if but fuck it he keeps saying he wants to be my slave and so i indulge him with my company but never let him really get into his role.

Today I received a whiny text from dear old Roger who was wheedling me for a meeting tommorow. He said it would be nice to keep in touch(what for?!) and that he had news. I told him I was intrigued and asked if he'd got married. He wouldn't say, so i am meeting him tomorrow after work. If he thinks he is going tomake me jealous he has another thing coming. If he thinks i'll pay half, he'll be in shock!. It might be fun though, but i won't stay out long. I keep teling myself The liver needs to rest but this is really not a good time. Besides, my wisom teeth are giving me hell. I think i should extract all of the teeth.

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you buy a mansion on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

But for today I would settle for a couple of orgasms to mark being younger.

Happy birthday to moi.. I am teething at the moment(wisdom teeth), it's the worst thing ever. my jaw id swollen and i can't eat. I guess I'll settle for a drink