i find myself alughing because i threatened to quit my course today. the one my employers have sent me on even though it's in the last stages. i actually told them it was worthless, it did not enrich my life and i have wasted 6months of my life. I think the tutor was a bit shocked even though she was expecting it. I am tired of being jerked around. I apologised for being a bitch later and she hoped I'd attend the next session, But God it was great to just let rip i needed to.

I went to the staff party last night. they took us bwoling. the director said he'd spent a fortune, i alughed in his face. Please, we had burgers and fries for fuck's sake. I did kick their asses bowling though so that was great.
got a bit tipsy, friends rang to check i got home ok. it was only a pint and a half!!. nice to know they cared.

overslept this morning. did not care

i find myself alughing because i threatened to quit my course today. the one my employers have sent me on even though it's in the last stages. i actually told them it was worthless, it did not enrich my life and i have wasted 6months of my life. I think the tutor was a bit shocked even though she was expecting it. I am tired of being jerked around. I apologised for being a bitch later and she hoped I'd attend the next session, But God it was great to just let rip i needed to.

I went to the staff party last night. they took us bwoling. the director said he'd spent a fortune, i alughed in his face. Please, we had burgers and fries for fuck's sake. I did kick their asses bowling though so that was great.
got a bit tipsy, friends rang to check i got home ok. it was only a pint and a half!!. nice to know they cared.

overslept this morning. did not care

I am almost at the end of my tether. Yesteday I almost had some kind of breakdown! i probably did have a breakdown but was not aware of it! I had customers telling me i did not look alright, then asking me if i was ok. if you don't look ok, you probably aren't ok!! But we are being treated more and more like criminals, and that is my problem. There are camera's everywhere to watch whether we drink water under the counter or maybe steal stuff and now they want to put even more cameras in the back corrodor as well as in the staff room which incidentally is shared by both males and females. we have to change in front of one another. It doesn't bother me but it's the principle behind the whole thing that makes me angry. of course i had a little bust up with one of the lazier guys on Satruday and yesterday was just the last straw. If i am not creful, by the time i am 30 my hair will have gone completely white.

Now there is a staff party today. Bizarrely it's being called a christmas party. i don't know if whoever named it is demented or whether they are just playing a sick joke. regardless, i do not want to go. Many people don't want to go. we all agree we would rather get 5opence on top of our mimimum wage than go to a party where we will have just two drinks and a game of bowling. Besides the managers a bar one are loathsome and so why put ourselves in that position. i told them the are no buses from west london to where i need to go. i am not lying, i won't traips around like a headless chicken. Maybe i will, fuck knows, i have four hours to decide.

The casanova at work told me he likes me. I told him "you like everyone". he couldn't deny that. It turns out he is having a thing with one of his flatmates, just weeks after lapping up the other flatmate's pussy. She says she ain't upset(i know she is). I think the other girl has crossed the line. you cant fuck your' friend's ex fuck, particulalry if you share the same house. so now he's making her moan the way the other used to. God in the heaven's. That is why he enjoy's chasing me, i give him a peck once in a while and allude to "punishing" him in the staff room which drives him wild, but there is no way im "going there" with him. So far he has had three girl. I don't know what it is about him, i mean he ain't the only pole is he? Mind you last week a guy came into work, he looked better than kylie minogue's boyfriend, much younger was English and had a wonderful baritone for a voice!!!:p:P I was seriously hyperventilating when he left. I don't think i will see him again but i really should have said something. It will be one of those missed opportunities I could just picture myself enveloped in those fabulous abs, that voice...damn! let me move on1

I don't know if i told you but i had a pair of jeans that was on it's last legs, i ripped it across the bbum getting off a high chair last week. good thing i hadn't left the house. My booty woould have been in the streets to be admired or jeered at. One pair has a malfunctioning zip and i am wearing the tightest low-rise todasy. if i dont shift the xmas flab i am afraid i wont have anything to wear. I am told it doesnt look bad but when you have to take a deep breath before zipping up and hvaing to check if the zip hasnt gone south, you know you're in trouble. im eating stirfires and veggies, which game me wind last night i am trying to avoid break although i had a toffee and banana american muffin today. i just can't win. maybe i should start running in hyde park again. god knows i was fitter and healthier then. maybe i'll get out of the doldrums.

A severely depressed woman tells me i need to get on anti-depressants. She could be sectioned actuallY(i think it will be good for her), i wont take pills because i don't think im that bad and i really dont wanna numb my feelings. I more or less know whay things are going wrong and i am to balme but still, a bit of a rest would be nice.

The german girl who flirts with me sometimes is sitting across from me as I type. I have shown her pics from the dinner(she was there), i think she might have a snog with my former snog from the dinner. she keeps blushing when she mentions him. oh well, i had him firts. His lips were superdelicious. I would have those, not him. she things he is conceited. i wonder if her fucked her and ran?? she's grown up, she can handle it.

and i need to get GRIP OR TO RELAX. valentine's day is coming and lets see how many of you go crazy. i remember i dumped roger on valentine's day althouh technically we weren't even togther. a copuple of bad snogs and expensive dates rendered him a bore.poor thing, maybe i'll text him and wish him a happy one!

I would like to be in a job or a world where there are no other human beings. Seriously!! Whatever I am going thru is affecting my relationships with all the various individuals negatively. Got to work this morning.It was ok. Client was excited about her wedding dress, kept asking me if i liked it. It's ok, it's pink which is her favourite colour but it sounded like my verdict was very very important which made me uncomfortable. I do like it. Then I had to endure the flower girl's dress, which was pretty. Dark pink. Little girls look pretty whatever they were. She has three pairs of shoes to choose from but she wanted me to decide. I declined and told her she has to do it as she will be waring them the whole day. What she wants matters more than what i think. But i found the whole thing depleting. I am not bouncing off the walls at the moment so having to muster all that energy.

Her friend had dumped a bagful of clothes to try out or to give to friends. There were a couple of size8 dresses that she said i should try. I thought my arse looked huge in them(show me a woman sho doiesnt get slightly insecure when they try on dresses and stuff!). She then said she suspects I am anorexic, i am slim but i think im fat etc etc. I pointed out how I eat all day, don't diet, and i don't throw up either. I just want to be toned and fit that's all. The anorexia thing was taking it too far. 55kg(gained three over xmas) is a healthy weight for me.

As if it couldn't get any worse, another client rang my office claiming i was late when i was actually on time. I go there at 3pm, for some reason she had it in her head that i am usually there at 2pm. Did not like being shouted at. That was the last straw really. Of course another old dear was frantic and thought the post office might close at 1pm before her bills were paid. legitimate concern of course but i could have done without thr flurry of phone calls.

So how am I feeling right now? Frustrated. I want to kill my flatmnate or empty all his make up and hair products into the toilet and flush them down!:p. I also want to shut down for 10days and pretend like i don't exist and the world doesnt exist either.

However, before i punge into the deep end, in might as well let you know things aren't actually that bleak. I had a nice day out on Sunday, drank lots of champagne and actually got tipsy from all those bubbles going to my head. But i was nice and relaxed as i wasn't working and so could spend time with important friends

Vivi has fucked off to Dublin to shag the ex who broke her heart a million times 3 years ago. I think she'll go back to Brazil after to mend her broken heart again. It turns out she left London a couple of days ago, while i was running ragged looking for her on streets that do not exist.

I don't do resolutions but I am resolving to have a happier and more positive day tomorrow. i shall sleep chanting the mantra!

I have a Brazilian friend who is in London at the moment. We met In USA a few years ago and have kept in touch over the years. Now, she warned me a while back that she was going on holiday to portugal and she wpuld come down to London so we could meet and catch up. Naturally i was very excited.

I am now confused and a little miffed. First she told me her address was W14. just that, i kid you not. and then she gave me her portuguese number so i could contact her when she was here. She was meant to arrive on the 9th, I emailed her, gave her my mobile number and even tips on how to use public phones or those phones you find at internet cafes. She did not call. she did not text. I have now just found out that she is on Addison Street, but actually there is Addison Road not street in W14. Also,she has emailed to say she has been getting lost a lot, could we meet in nottinghill blah blah. This was on the 11th. unfortunatly i never saw the email.

I feel sorry that she has been getting lost but for fuck's sake why is she not phoning me???. I have adviced her to ask someone to let her use their mobile to text me if she must. I don't know why she is letting herself get lost all over London(which is quite easy to do) when she has me to contact. Why are we missing each other on email when she can ring. It will do me no good to ring a portuguese number while she is here!

So tell. me is is she a complte moron or am i being too harsh? I am worried but then i shall be disappointed to miss her while she is somewhere in Olympia or shepered's bush. And why should I go searching for "addison street"(which does not exist) without being sure whether it's a hotel or what room she's in if it is? It's doing my head in.

A bit like big brother and the bullies. I actually think big brother like people being bullied. I think we should all boycott the bloody show and see everyone walk.Jade, Jack, Jo and Daniel are proper bitches as for Cleo, trying to be neutral can make you appear to be colluding with the baddies. I think she's secretly in cahoots. Ian, as irritating as he can be atleast has stuck up for Shilpa even if it's in the diary room.

But why am i even bothering with this shit? someone Tell Vivi to ring me so i can meet her ans she can stop getting lost all over London!

Maybe it's the aftermath of the chirstmas cheer. Maybe it's approaching the big 30! I don't know, but i am out of sorts. As in, i walk around as if I am sedated. i don't get excited by things which should excite me, i don't react much to anything. One of my friend is worried and suggested I should go and see my GP. But what do i say to the doctor? "hi, i am feeling dopey can you fix me?" i don't think so. I am probably in some kind of denial but i am only slightly worried about my lack of...well my lack of liveliness i guess. Since working myself up inot a state over nothing the other day, I have now crashed and just feel numb.

what to do? ii guess, i could run around screaming down protobello road, that should snap me out of it as i am sure someone will call the police unless some pot-smoking rasta catches me first. Maybe it's just a case of the blues and i should get over it.

Oh i have guilt issues. my cousin is planning a trip with friends. she doesnt have money. I owe her. she is not asking for it but the fact that she mentioned it is making me feel awful. Also she sent me a piture of herself in hotpants. she went to a sunny place during xmas. she looked divine. Great legs no cellulite. I dont think i could get away with hotpants. she says ive got an athletic bbody and no stomach, that's sort of true but i have hips. anyway, i want her white che guevara t-shirt. her hotpants are of the comouflage variety. very hot! No i dont have the hots for my cousin but she looked great.

anyway, i'll shake myself out of this moodiness. Might have a date next week, watch this space

Maybe it's the aftermath of the chirstmas cheer. Maybe it's approaching the big 30! I don't know, but i am out of sorts. As in, i walk around as if I am sedated. i don't get excited by things which should excite me, i don't react much to anything. One of my friend is worried and suggested I should go and see my GP. But what do i say to the doctor? "hi, i am feeling dopey can you fix me?" i don't think so. I am probably in some kind of denial but i am only slightly worried about my lack of...well my lack of liveliness i guess. Since working myself up inot a state over nothing the other day, I have now crashed and just feel numb.

what to do? ii guess, i could run around screaming down protobello road, that should snap me out of it as i am sure someone will call the police unless some pot-smoking rasta catches me first. Maybe it's just a case of the blues and i should get over it.

Oh i have guilt issues. my cousin is planning a trip with friends. she doesnt have money. I owe her. she is not asking for it but the fact that she mentioned it is making me feel awful. Also she sent me a piture of herself in hotpants. she went to a sunny place during xmas. she looked divine. Great legs no cellulite. I dont think i could get away with hotpants. she says ive got an athletic bbody and no stomach, that's sort of true but i have hips. anyway, i want her white che guevara t-shirt. her hotpants are of the comouflage variety. very hot! No i dont have the hots for my cousin but she looked great.

anyway, i'll shake myself out of this moodiness. Might have a date next week, watch this space

Maybe it's the aftermath of the chirstmas cheer. Maybe it's approaching the big 30! I don't know, but i am out of sorts. As in, i walk around as if I am sedated. i don't get excited by things which should excite me, i don't react much to anything. One of my friend is worried and suggested I should go and see my GP. But what do i say to the doctor? "hi, i am feeling dopey can you fix me?" i don't think so. I am probably in some kind of denial but i am only slightly worried about my lack of...well my lack of liveliness i guess. Since working myself up inot a state over nothing the other day, I have now crashed and just feel numb.

what to do? ii guess, i could run around screaming down protobello road, that should snap me out of it as i am sure someone will call the police unless some pot-smoking rasta catches me first. Maybe it's just a case of the blues and i should get over it.

Oh i have guilt issues. my cousin is planning a trip with friends. she doesnt have money. I owe her. she is not asking for it but the fact that she mentioned it is making me feel awful. Also she sent me a piture of herself in hotpants. she went to a sunny place during xmas. she looked divine. Great legs no cellulite. I dont think i could get away with hotpants. she says ive got an athletic bbody and no stomach, that's sort of true but i have hips. anyway, i want her white che guevara t-shirt. her hotpants are of the comouflage variety. very hot! No i dont have the hots for my cousin but she looked great.

anyway, i'll shake myself out of this moodiness. Might have a date next week, watch this space

I am panic-stricken!! really, and knowing me, this will continue well into the night. I have now called three friends who have not been very helpful but there is nothing they can do. I have wasted my pay-as-you-go credit so now i am writing to you because it might just be the therapy i need. I think most people know about my new year's eve, how i got trashed out of my mind with a couple of shot of tequila and polish vodka and found out on new years day that i had made several phone calls to friends, family and ex-friends. the particular ex-friend I am referring to now is Deciever.

The man who is the reason why i started this blog. The man who by virtue of having been in my life pushedme into therapy because i was depressed and almost suicidal at one point. Not all his fault, my own for having such bad judgement. Anyway he has been calling me today and I am (figuratively ) shitting myself and cant answer my phone. I do not remember if i spoke to him or not, whether i left a message for him. When i realised i had rang him among all the other people, I feverntly prayed that he was out of the country or he'd put the phone down or that we never spoke. Fat chance. God is never there when you truly want to believe in her/him!

Since i have no recollection of our verbal banter(haa haa), i have no form of defence and really do not feel like being demolished by a big guy right now. There are other things going on in my life without welcoming almost certain humiliation into my day. He is still here unfortunatly for me, I can only assume he rang because..well i dont know know. It must be to do with the new year's thing otherwise why ring today of all days and every 10mins? no message so obviously he wants to vent his spleen on target and not leave a message. He is capable of leaving a message if he wants. But I am so scared and i can't avoid answering my phone forever. it is ridiculous. Any ideas anyone? i am now thinking if i found a hypnotherapist who would help me relive the trauma of that evening I might be better prepared. I cant tell him I dont remember, it's happened before(truly) but it does get old doens it?

On the other hand i might be completly wrong but i am not willing to find out just yet. I cant deal with the stress. I need a dentist, my brother is sick and I am going grey. NOt good

On the plus side, a tall dark and not too handsome american that i met way back in august 2006 has apparently been hassling my friend's friend for my number. apparently i made an impression that day we met. So i fugure if a guy can hassle someone for my number for 4months non-stop i must be on to a good thing. I thought his legs were too thin but hey, he had nice lips and he wasn't Dubya's neighbour so there. He was apparently on leave, back today and i expect he shall cal me during the course of the week. I might have my first date for 2007!! not bad huh?

Another guy who was a guest at the xmas dinner rang to tell me he likes me and he DID NOT like the cute guy kissing me. well too bad, his lips were delicious and i wouldn't mind another appointment with them.phew!

yesterday evening after work I i got together with some colleagues and we demolished a couple of bottle of wine. there were four of us and i had the good sense to leave whilst still sober. Of course being girls, we discussed sex, men, dildos, vibes and so on. It was great. There is a girl who is in love with someones deep voice. she says she actually gets wet to the point of coming when the guy says the word "fantastic". I wonder if he hypnotised her. I told her to do the deed as soon as possible. no need to waste her juices like on a voice.

I feel a little better. perhaps i was just startled that HE rang. I hope he leaves a message or just leaves me alone.

It was bound to happen at some point although i'd been eyeing prince william (in my dreams) as opposed to baby Mark! Confused? so am I frankly. Add ashamed, scared and amused. In random order.

This is about 31 December2006. A girl friend invited me to her house for dinner with two of her friends. I was a bit reluctant but my other option was staying in my cell...i mean room and brooding. So i got into the spirit, showered quickly, put on some make-up and wore my very best super-lowrise jeans with a great top that showed my cleavage to the best advantage. Im not saying my bra didn't help....

Now my friend Sophie shares a house with a guy who has a polish girlfriend, whose little brother has been visiting. They were not invited to our little dinner but they kept coming into the kitchen(when the girlfriend was having a shower) and all of us realised the boyfriend was very interested in the spanish girl whom i shall call Pippa. He's lived in spain before and so he laready had an opening. The Japanese girl is married and was rather aloof although she laughed a lot when we talked.

To cut the long story short, the four of us were slightly tipsy from sharing an excellent chardonnay and a Rose. two bottle shared by four people. That's enough to give you a little buzz I think. Things were great until the boy and his sister's boyfriend came with tequila and insisted we have a shot each. We refused but our resolve wasn't to last long. so we downed the shots. They brought oout polish vodka and we had a shot each. By this time i was drinking diet coke and apple juice in large quantities but I', afraid the damage was done

We all recall taking lots of pictures(Pippa's camera is malfunctioning at the moment, don't know how so we cant see the pics) Everyone commented on how great i looked in the pics. The next thing, I was in bed with the boy. Yes, in bed, my one foot feeling cold because the shoe was off, he was battling to take my bra off. I kept asking him to kiss me!!can you believe this?? Eventually he was sucking my nipples and someone came into the room tunred the light on and off spoke a bit and left. I think it was his sister. Anyway, we continued funbling away like that and I actually had a lucid moment when i asked him if he had condoms and preached the importance of safe sex. I think back and i just shudder. Or gigglei reached down to feel him and there was nothing. Believe it or not i have very little experience with penises but the couple that i have played around with felt "normal sized". now i understand what people mean when thery talk about a REALLY tiny dick. there was absolutely nothing there and I think that probably saved me. We mustve both passed out. alcohol doesnt exactly do much, and as eager asd I appeared to me, my body was not co-operating. I was as dry as a recovering alcoholic and i still had my pants and jeans on, plus i had thrush at the time so it would have been very very ill-judged toi have a one night stand(shudder) in that condidtion.

I found out that his name is Mark and he is only 18. I thought he might be 20 but no, the boy is 18!! not to worry, as soon as I opened my eyes at 7am, after he'd snuggled close and started tio play with my hair I simply fled. Went to the bathroom, put on my shoes whilst peeing and ran downstairs to sophie's room. the first words I uttered were "where were you?, why didn't you save me? i nearly had sex with the boy!!" then i was searching for my coat when i realised I wasnt wearing a bra!Dear or dear, another trip upstairs, where i saw the very confused Boy who asked hwta happened. I said"nothing" and left it at that. I hope our paths wont cross again anytime soon. he's going back to poland to study.

Sophie, promptly vomited, looked horrified and rushed to wash the blankets. we were still trying to piece everything together yesterday. she has a massive bruice on the side of her face!

Anyway, i did much worse, called a bunch of people, told them how much i loved them. I only know this because one girl texted to say how i left a very sweet voicemessage and that she loves me too. When i checked the call register, Deciver was one of the people i rang. I would have either tolf him tio fuck off or said something soppy. I truly hope he hung up as soon as he heard my voice or that he's out of the country. i might have to be a fugitive otherwise.

All this in contrast to christmas eve, where i cooked for 11 people, firltered with the cutest guy and even had a little snog with him at the end. Why couldnt the other day have been like that? 3 friends thought the whole thing hilarious!

Welcome 2007!