On the fron page of today's metro newspaper is a picture of a rescue worker holding a Lebanese child just dug out from the rubble that was a high story buidling flattened by the Israeli tanks last night. That picture does not even convey the horror that was in other papers and websites at the weeknd. Cold, stiff, dusty grey 40cm bodies of what should have been the future of an already fragile nation. Worst of all, they were all sleeping at the time so perhaps we should be gratefully for that "act" of mercy".

Seeing all the little bodies wrapped up in plastic bags on the floor of a morgue did not even bring tears to my eyes. I am worried about my reaction. I mean, i am disgusted, but i'm not too shocked. I feel pity, I feel some anger but also I feel resigned.I cannot comprehend how the families can cry and wail and beat themselves in the chest day after day after day. I don't know what it's like to lose a child but i belive it's something a mother, even a father never gets over completely. I know this because my mother lost a daugheter when the kid was only three(i wasn't born yet), and she always talked about her. Towards the end of her life it became even worse, like the child was everywhere especially when her contemporaries got married, or they advanced in some way in life. It was a case of "what if", my little M.. would now be..."

So imagine with an entire generation of a village wiped out. The elderly, the children, the disabled. Even Israel admits it was a sad bloody Sunday. YOu don't say!!! IT'S BEEN FUCKING BLOODY FOR 18 DAYS NOW DAMMIT. Even that frigid Condi has reluctantly endorsed a ceasefire. It's too fucking late as far as i'm concerned. How you can advocate "proportionate" violence in a "war" is beyond. Violence is never proportionate, no matter which angle you look at it from. If you want to target "terrorists" then do so with your superior lazerbeamed weapons from mother USA and make sure you hit your targets. It ain't rocket science(no pun intended). You wanna hurt a nation and sure the world that some people on this earth are lesser human beings than other, you destroy bridges, deny humanitarian aid, Refuse neutral UN workers to leave a danger zone and get them killed and finally, bomb whole families while they are sleeping.

Well Done Israel, USA and Britain for showing us what true humanity and terrorism is. Well done Britain for being "anxious" about the situation(this is the foreing secretary), and well done for showing us that ultimately your goal was never to get the two soldiers back but to show those Arabs that you don't give a fuck.

And to the world: you can should all you want but frnakly I've gone numb. The children are dead. their bodies are coming out balck and blue because of alleged phosporic and other gases in the weapons. It's too late to call a truce. it's too late to show concern. Suffer little children suffer. perhaps you are in a better place now!::

after all the hoo haa on my blog,and learning of a cousin's death, i think it's going to be a rather subdued weekend. Naturally i shall have to slave away working tomorrow and so i can pay that nasty cown rent. maybe i shouldn't actually, she doesn't deserve it. We can have a discussion about it when she tries to access My hard earned cash from some dingy ATM and finds zero, nada:P that would be fun and with the kind of mood in in she won't wanna mess with me.

Who knows, i might just have another panice attack in front of her and she might think im having a heart attack. That would be after i've given her a proper tongue-lashing for her criminally dispicable behaviour. She should watch out:p

Need a lie down actually. Have yourselves a merry weekend.

im a bit drunk and trying to chat on MSN at the same time:p. i offended an old lady today. got to her house, she offered me this horrible looking soup which i declined. she insisted, asked if i wanted it hot or cold. i said i hadnt had it before so i wouldn't know whether it was best cold or hot.

Christ, it looked awful, beetroot, some cabbage and fuck knows what else. it was awful. i had asked for just a little bit since i had eaten(a sandwich and a coke) but she was having none of it. she said i should put in some salt and pepper. I dint want to. I don't particularly like salt. then she squeezed some lemon, but it just tasted awful. naturally i couldn't finish it. She said i had never been hungry because if i'd been hungry i would have eaten. what is wrong in being offered food and refusing politely and no offense being taken? I fail to comprehend. honestly. She really seemed angry. I wish i could say I felt guilty but i didnt. why should i eat some tepid red soup with sour cream floating on top like i enjoy it while i dont? why should someone make me feel like a horrible person simply because i don't want to eat soupm on a hot clammy day? sometimes i think old people are manipulative. honestly

Ok, i'd like to think i'd try someting once at least although there are things I would never ever try for as long as Im capable of uttering the wrod"NO!". butl today i was coerced and it just didnt work. I know it's exotic(polish specialty apparently) but it was just god-awful!

Never again.l

Some of you know i've been awaiting my exam results.. forever. Initally they were meant to be out in the first week of July, then there was some hoky poky about how there was a problem with getting all the results in blah blah. And finally, i couldn't access mine because i had an outstanding library book. I'd asked for my book loan to be renewed to no avail. There has also been some bullshit about owing fees and i ignored that but finally spoke to one woman in admin who told me i definitely did not owe anything. In fact im £80 in credit(i could do with that money).

i have emailed, tried to call and been shunted from pillar to post. So yesterday, having had enough, i went to a website where one can name and shame companies that do this sort of frustrating crap. This morning, there was a rather arrogant response saying how students should know their results will be held up if they have books or fees outstanding. Not even a name of the f**ker who responded. I went on the offensive this morning and really let rip also demanding that i get a response from a specific person with specifc details of how my issues will get sorted. I demanded that whoever responds sign their name because i will not deal with arrogant anonymous individuals.

Guess what, I got a personal email from the media, corporate affairs and marketing deparment. The head of that department that is. The net is a powerful media tool I see.
I have sent an extremely polite email, she will be shifting on her chair with bulging haemorrhoids by the time she is done reading the email. She asked me to detail my complaints and I HAVE INDULGED HER Apparently someone will deal with this swiftly.

While they are at it, they'd better give me a pass coz I shall cause a real stink otherwise. all that emotional and physical trauma I have endured. nobody desreves this sort of treatment and now they know it.

I'm hungry now, my energies are depleted so i'm gonna go off for lunch
P.S. Please keep moira's in your thoughts. She was a blogger who had leukemia and passed away today or late last night. may her soul rest in peace, she was a brave lady.

After my dramatically morose friday and a more depressing saturday(don't know how many times I told a colleague i was gonna jump off london bridge...the river is round the corner from workplace ), Sunday was a lot better. The new flatmate had a frined who was going to celebrate his 30th birthday at some Bar/club near Russell square and she'd been harping on for a coupple of weeks about us attending.

Old flatmate(call her dumbass or fuckwit for all the grief she gives me sometimes with her spoilt-brat behaviour) is back together with her ex now and he was going to spin some dics at the said venue. So, feeling less depressed on Sunday, i decided to definitely go to the gig or whatever it was going to be. I had prepared my white shirt dress, havuing decided this was as good a time as any to give it a proper outing. I'd texted Milkboy to come if he could(since he'd been saying we are ignoring him), and then another friend who it turns out was in Liverpool for the weekend.

I think i knew i'd look hot in the dress and it automatically made me feel good. That wasn't to last very long. Dashed home after work, made quick dinner, dipped myself in the bath, ironed the crisp shirt/dress and got on the tube. Now, that dress should really not be worn with underwear, it would just give awful VPlines, but i compromised and wore a skimpy little black lace thong with diamantes on the sides:p. Flatmate rang to ask me to bring her camera which she'd forgotten. So, i hopped on the tube, read some mag on buying property(something totally irrelevant to my circumstances and crossed my legs. Oops, there was a boy opposite me, 17 or 18yrs i guess, he kept looking, but not at me. surely he couldn't see anything uder the dress? I rather think he enjoyed the view which was great to look at. nice shapely shaven legs, beautiful sandals that would make slave-wannabe cry like a baby and a perfectly made-up face with a pout to boot

ok, lemme get to the point: got to the venue, there werent too many people, I was immdiately introduced to the "party" group, birthday boy said we'd met before(after complimenting me on looking stunning!). No, we hadn't met before but we'll ceratinly meet in his dreams from now onwards. the other flatmate was drunk and jkept wanting to introduce herself to me. funny really. I sat in a high stool and soaked in the atmosphere. pretty soon, I was getting compliments from all and sundry including an actor that I met last year at a play he was starring in when i went with geezer on journalists day. He came over to chat, the nobodys started clamouring asking to take pics with him. How very uncouth i thought. I naturally said"can't they see you are chatting to me?":P so he ignored the silly people but eventually relented. You should have seen some scarecrow with scary hair to boot gushing and begging to have her pic taken with the guy. He obliged, we chatted some more, he pecked me on the cheek and I got some killer looks from some of the girls around. They should know you never gush all over actors like they are gods!

I was having a good time and dancing until the fucker who kidnapped or rather locked me up against my will turned up. i pointed him out to my flatmates. he came to say hello and wouldn't budge. Fuck i spent half the evening pushing the guy away and threatening to ring the police in that crowded environment. He actually confessed the one flatmate that he has been harassing me the entire evening and in the end he was threatened by another girl when we left so I could escape. They told me i need to be more aggresive. clearly she would've slapped him but someone intervened. he said He was horny and looking at me was just turning him on. Yuck!yuck!

When we left, birthday boy came with us, and another boy (whom i'd mistaken for a girl while dancing on the tube. Me and birthday boy chatted, i thnk there was a bit of chemistry there but then again, there is definitely something between him and the one flatmate.I mean they did some dirty dancing while i was fending off the serial harasser. she insists they are just friends, i said only because she won't give it a chance. She admits she is a bit scared(issues there i reckon). He want us to host him at the flat next week. haa, haa i think i'l make myself scarce. you don't want sparks flying all over not sure where they should land

It's Deciever's birthday today. he doesnt celebrate it though. I rang him to wish his happy birthday. did it last year as well, wanted details of my life, told him i was on my work to work but i'd been to the beach last week and a great party last night and all is great with me. Then he said we should hook up. haa haa. I said to him when he is free, he intrerrpted and said"I MEAN I'M HERE!" I laughed at that. sounded childish. I said i'll buzz him(in his dreams obviously". let him stew and remember I have a full life that has no room for him and his shenanigans. that's a closed chapter.

I am glad i'm a bit buoyed today. Still not up in the clouds but hey im wearing my new dress(wore it to Brighton), no bra since it's scoop neck and i've had a couple of compliments. From women. Life is good on this monday morning

A am feeling awfully, awfully sad right now.

What a day it was! the highest temperatures we've had since 1911 apparently and I went off to the beach:p. I'd gone off on tuesday trying to buy a new bikini but everyone seemed to have summer fever. they were all frantically shopping and it really wasn't too pleasant. i went in with the idea of getting a new bikini but i saw a dress that gave me a buzz. I knew I had to at least try it on. This was at Primark in Hammersmith. when i got to the fitting room there were atleast 3 other people with that dress. very beautiful dress i thought, scoopneck and very light withnice patterns of red, magenta, brown and tan i think i tried the size 8 and the 10. I chose the 10. I was in the cubicle for ages, eventually my euphoria waned and I left.

I still had to shop for some eats for the beach lunch and i spend the evening preparing some nibbles. Missed the coach at 11 got on the 12noon one.

The beach was sawrnming with all kinds of people, my friend was horrified when i told him i was gonna go around in my bikini and i kindly poited out a few people who definitely should not have been wearing bikinis without sarongs! Besides, i might not have the same body in 10yrs time so why not enjoy myself confidently while I can. He suddenly pointed to the water and told me he saw a hippo he was just being horrible about some guy in the water who i suppose resembled a hippo a little bit

So we mostly sunbathed(after slapping on factor30 sunscreen) no need to burn yourself anf get heat stroke as well. The water was freezing, but i went all the way in eventually. Left for London around 9pm

Brighton was definitely the place to be yesterday. Thankfully there weren't millions of people although there was a weird couple throwing pebbles at one another. they missed their hyperactive grandson a couple of time. The fish at the fish and chips shop was awful, the whole thing about "fresh fish" is a myth. maybe i went to the wrong eatery. Never mind. I recuperated today and did some laundy. might as well get on with the mundane stuff

Had a brilliant afternoon.actually let me start with the morning: I'd been told by mr Dr last week to fast from midnight(lastnight) in preparation for my blood tests this morning. Nothing about having to pee on demand for the urine sample although i had an inkling i might have to. I arrived promptly at 8:45(having had my first pee when i dragged myself out of bed eventually at 7:30). The nurse, who was unusualy afable swabbed my arm and stuck the needle in. actually she had a bit of a problem, probably torn the vein a bit as i have slight bruising and a clear line that's healing

Anyway, after all the testtubes(five in total) she asked if I could give a urine sample, after scolding me for not having drunk water throughout the night. The Dr didnt mention it so...

I tried: nothing. Had two glasses of water, waited and waited. I think coffee would have got things going and eventually I gave up and told them i'll bring the pee frist thing tomorrow morning. what could I do? i was feeling hungry by then anyway. However as is sometimes the case, as soon as I left and I was in the middle of nowhere, i felt a sudden urge to pee. Bugger Nothing much I could do, went off to starbucks, had a muffin and a coffee and peed much later.

About the afternoon: a friend from USA was passing thru London and she'd contacted me a few weeks ago to see if we could meet. we used to be roommates, a wonderful girl. She came a couple summers ago and worked as a bartender during her summer break from college. For once in my life I was on time, we went to a pub, had pint each, and gosspied, reminisced and just had a good 1hr30 together. she was meeting a posse of her other friends later but it was great to see her.

I had napped for almost two hrs after zigzagging all over the plce looking for books for my graphics course. dissertation being out of the way means I need to concentrate on other stuff i've been neglecting.

I wore a dress today. I've had it for about 7yrs now. had to go bra-less since it's spaghetti straps, black with some flowery patterns. So it was funny when my friend Rosa was teiing me about a shirt she saw at Ted Baker which is apparetnly backless but had a boob tube since she doesnt have any boobs(her words).I looked at mine with my nipples sticking out and told her she's got something. I only have a couple of grapes

The shirt sounds fab and is on sale for £35. down from £45 or £50. Ofcourse she'd still be paying twice with her dollars but she is very tempted. mmhhh will hear whether she takes the plunge or not.

gotta dash

Im tired. I'm energetic.I'm impatient. I'm a patient. I laugh. I don't cry. That's a good thing. Do I sound like a paradox? Maybe i'm one. The mad Princess

Flatmate just upped and left today. On holiday. wpouldn't say where. we(me and the other girl and their friend) suspect she is going to the Ex. She's hinted they are back together. she borrowed money from the new girl after asking her friend who said no. she wouldn't dare ask me of course. she's taken liberties for too long.

I have texted to wish her a happy trip and warn her to be careful. I hope she will be.

I'm going for blood tests on monday. To rule out anything else that might be causing all these symptoms im having. It's definitely not in my head although Dr suggested going to anxiety management classes for palpitation. Thing i know what has been causing them, i don't really want to attend some classes in nottinghill but i'll think about it. he thinks I'll go. I won't. not yet anyway.

I should be happy that he didnt saying i was dying. afterall only the good die young maybe i'll die afterall

I can but only wait and see. the struggle continues

Zidane, Rooney, Beckham to mention a few. I witnessed a moment of horror(in action replay) last night when Zinedine Zidane walked back to the Italian player Mazerrati and head-butted him hard in the chest. The guy was flung back and plonked on the ground clutching his chest. actually the whole thing looked so vicious that zidane could have broken his ribs and possibly pierced his heart, had the guy been my size.

Ironically, just that afternoon, i had been reading a profile on Zidane in a sunday paper, he was being hailed as one of the greats in football, how he is revered by the masses etc etc. but the next paragraph chillingly pointed out his dark side: how he had butted someone before, viciously kicked a player in the last world cup, how he was suspended for 5 matches in the champions leave for violent play. A lone figure from the "wrong side of the tracks" in France. Very talented, huge pressure on him, the weight of France's chance at the world cup heavily weighing on his shoulders. The guy snapped. Fuck knows waht that Italian dude said to him. He didn't see bothered, Zidane had been assaulted throughout the game, and maybe one day he will release us from our misery and tell us what happened. Maybe he doesnt know, the screws became too tight and he crumbled, probably giving the world cup to Italy at that point. I felt sorry for him, but I want to understand the madness.

Rooney. aah, the weight of the English team on his young shoulders. The entire nation behind him, prying and hoping for a speedy recovery from the foot injury, palying his first 90mins, annoucing his lethatl return. Enter an extremely important match and the boy flipped. He snapped, the screws bacame unstuck. Worse than Zidane, he could've rendered the guy impotent, preventing him from spawning future Portuguese football players. Nutted the guy. But then Ronaldo became the scapegoat. he goaded him, he winked so screamed the headlines. Perhaps the pressure got to him as it got to Zidane yesterday and HIs moment of madness probably cost England a place in the semi-finals.(i don't think they would have gone past Azzuri). So, a young man and an older one. One showing great promise for the future, another ending that future with greatness. They went mad. They snapped. they snuffed out dreams.

David bekham kicked that Argentinian palyer(don't remember his name). He became persona non grata after. a charsimatic palyer who had made lots of people and himself shitloads of cash. Also like rooney and zidane, not exactly from the "right" side of the tracks. That kick was to be the defining moment for the eglish team, as was the nut crunch by Rooney, as was the chest busting by Zidane.

It is where they come from which predisposes them to violent behaviour, Is there too much pressure on them to perform, do they need counselling? Perhaps where others like George Best found solace and death in the bottle, others now resort to falshes of violence. Obviously brilliance is preferable to violence but hey, who knows what these people's demons are. Who knows what keeps them awake at night or alone in their thoughts during the day.

The kings went mad. They cost their countries and their teams. saddest of all, they cost themselves. Zidane will always wonder"what if" and surely that's something worse to live with, than having missed a penalty at the end.

I'm about to commit a sin and murder the land bastard! she's not a bitch anymore. i would really be doing the female dog population a disservice by continuing to call her a landbitch. that she thinks she can get away with making me pay the ghighest rent when i live under the same conditions as the other girls(yes she has installed another girl) has infuriated me!

Of ocurse my flatmate woke me up at midnite. clad in her skimpything and nothing on top, while I was exactly the same in a thong and nothing on top. a bit bizarre having a conversation like that (haa!haa). I told her i was goona email landbastard because the woman is taking the piss and i tell ya, she aimed in the wrong direction. I have just sent the email. yes, i re-read it and made sure i wasn't rude although she deserves my wrath and more. But i don't need to spew vitriolic bile just yet. Just her luck if you ask me.

Having health problems at the moment so dealing properly with this woman isn't what i need. But believe me the message will be loud and clear. I have made it  crystal clear to her that im not a fool and that she is proving to be like all other money grabbing landlords who shaft honest people they consider gullible. I won't take an apology but knocking at least £30 of the rent might be a start.Bastard!!

whew, feel marginally better now.I'm gonna have a coke, then a glss of wine and stir fry some vergetables for dinner.

results still not published.Still don't know if i have the stupid degree or not!(although im expection the "not " bit) i have checked a few times. sooo frustrating. Was dozing off at my desk, decided to have a cup of coffee from the place where they make awful coffee. the guy who made my latte did it well and i tipped him a pound. he always remembers how i like my sandwiches or my drinks.

Had an apple for lunch. I'm reading three books. not at the same time, i alternate them Some people might find it confusing but it's not. afterall our brains can compartmetalise info just fine. I finished one yesteray that was awfully compelling. was it by richard patterson? awful, awful book yet i couldn't resist reading it to the end. I like books by Anita Shreve. Her books are painfully compelling.And de[pressing at times.You read it, you don't like how the story is unfolding, and yet she writes so exquisitely that you can't help but turn page after page after page. This one is called "the wedding". I shall be bit depressed after i'm sure, which is why i'm counter-acting that with an erotic book:b. There is a warning on the cover about an "explicit sex scene"! for fuck's sake(no pun intended it's a book, just words. and sex is graphic, i mean what's more graphic than two naked bodies?. im yet to read the graphic stuff

anyway, gonna talk to my tutor today about my graphics course. messed about long enough. i really hope i find out about my degree today. I can't bear to do more research and another dissertation. God help me but i don't wanna. And if by some miracle i have passed, i won't go for my graduation. been there, done that. This time, it's not such a big deal. No, truth be known, it's because my parents aren't alive. I would do it for them. you know how parents are proud when their children achieve something.no point this time.

have decided to wear a skirt today, wearing trousers on the tube just makes you hotter. I am enjoying the heat although i avoid the sun like the plague. I think it's time to visit a beach somewhere and put my bikini to good use whilst i still have the body. can't look back in a few years and regret not having done what i wanted.

Oh, a couple of favourite blog friends have disappeared from my list. is it karma or what? in the past i have removed people who have asked to be friends and just disappeared or worse never blogged again. So i'm a bit disappointed, but that's blog life. here today, gone tomorrow.
cheerio

I started reading rithompson's blog then realised someone had tagged her. All you had to do was go to "next blog" at the top of the page and see how far you go and whether you see any of your friends blogs. I stopped when i came back to Ros. What a trip though. I read blogs I hadn't read before all on very important and ratherdepressing topics:human oppressionin Burma and Tibet, selling organs in the black market, and some hilarious ones on England's exit form the world cup. The thread lead me to 4 friends and eventually back to to where i started. Randomly reading blogs has its advantages i suppose.

I am awaiting my exam results tomorrow. actually I could find out right after midnight if i log on to the net today. I'm not sure i want to though. I am almost certain I failed. My fault, late dissertation, lack of motivation, blah, blah. No excuse really. But wouldn't it be wonderful for me to type in my student number, look on the results page and find just one word there:PASS? I really don't care if it's 50% or more. just a pass. Alas, i can but only dream

I was bullied by a manger yesterday and i told him point blank that he is a bully. in fact my word were "Ah.. you are a bully. You are a fucking bully". I momentarily thought of Kemal from last year's big brother who kept branding someone a bully. a fucking bully. I think he was embarassed. almost everyone hates him, he trusts me because i feel sorry for him sometimes. He doesn't have proper people skills and tries his best and i can empathise, i've tried to point out to him that it's the way he talks to people that irks them. he doesnt get it. Yet, he had the audacity to bully me over MY Newspaper. Petty, it might seem but bullies are very sinister even with seemingly minor things.He should watch out though, my brain is trigger-happy at the mo. one more thing from him...fuck knows!

He isn't the only person to try and bully me these days and I am pretty close to losing my rag. You see, I rant and rave here constantly and i get pissed off. But it REALLY takes a lot for me to be pissed off but when i do, there is no going back and god help the culprits. Let's just say I almost reached that point yesterday but I got it under control eventually. sometimes you gotta save yourself for real wars and not minor battles:p.

As i felt my blood pressure soaring again, I sat down outside Southwark Cathedral and read another paper. Thought about a lot of issues and how to sort them out.I calmed myself down and eventually went home an hour later. I think the music wafting from inside the church was soothing. I could've gone in but decided against it.

Got home, washed my hair, soaked in the bath, scavenged for something to nibble on( steamed broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, a piece of grilled chicken) all washed down with water

I'm not getting on the scales again until next friday. One of my clients is trying to lose weight. she isn't eating much and scoffs on cakes in between. Her body, naturally has gone into starvation mode and she isn't losing any. I on the other hand am losing it and i'm not on a diet. It pisses her off at the same time she is concerned about me. I am meant to try and put on 3lbs by friday so i can look wholesome. I can't have everything hanging off my frame now can i? not at all me.

Oh, Deciever rang. out of the blue. Since i know the last 4 digits of his landline, i decided not to answer. He didn't leave a message. Why he rang, fuck knows but i've come a long way. a year ago i would've have had palpitations trying to answer. this time: slight irritation on a busy day then his friend rang. constantly. I answered. he was concerned about me.since i have been incommunicado, people seem to be concerned. I told him i'm fine

oh well, i'm still breathing. That's all one can do