i was gonna write a nice little post about a cute 18month old whom i saw bopping along to itunes! for real, she has the one earpiece, her mom the other and it was very loud. I hope the poor mite won't have hearing problems. she was a little off-key but she was certainly following the tune, couldnt sing all the lyrics obviously but she looked cute standing on the her sit and humming along.Sweet I hope she is a long way from being obnoxious

My blood pressure is dangerously high.Still. I am being harassed by someone and instead of letting it wash over me, i'm letting it get to me. a friend actually laughed and said i was winding myself up over nothing. But when you get to a point where you are warned you could get a stroke or a heart attack, it's time to take action. of course i could just be and wait to die, such welcome relief for evil people, or i can fight back.Also my results are pending. I'm expecting to fail (my fault naturally) but there is always hope right?! I have never been a quitter so im gonna fight for my health, life and sanity. FUCK IT!

1. why do we age? why do we lie about age-ing? I met a former classmate from high school late last year. she said I still looked the same. She looked better....then she was an ugly duckling if truth be known but time had be kind to her. Did i believe her about me? nah. but atleast she recognised me immdeditely. there are people who look completely different!you look at pics from when you were 17 compare them with 27 then 37, is there a huge difference? they say it's all in the hands. Im starting to belive that. I am gonna start using hand creams. hopefully i'll still be 27 in 5 yrs time

2. Why do we fart? I'm sure it's some biological thing, we have to release gases etc etc but i really don't see the point of relaxing your anal muscles and letting out a hiss or a loud bang, offending yourself or others around you. couldnt god/creator/whoever had been kinder and made sure we don't so such? i really don't see the point especially when it can happen in one go when we do daily excretions. And then there is the fanny fart. now that's a joke...not. only a man could have made women in such a way that they get maximum embarassment after so-called intimate acts. Actually when you really dissect sex, it's another bodily fucntion we don't need.:p

3. Why do we have sex? yeah, yeah, procreation(in animals minus our cousins monkeys and baboons), boredom, experimentation,fun. whatever.bollocks! like everything with mankind, it's about power, ego proving a point pushing limits. see how many orgasms you can give her. see how much and how far you can contort your body. see how many kids you can cram in by the time you are 40(women). see how long you can last(men) etc. Bottom line: two sweaty bodies(maybe more in some cases), making funny noises as they come into contact, even more hysterical, sometimes strangled sounds escaping thru their mouths, all those bodily( sometimes smelly) fluids mingling, silly utterances in the heat of the moment, then it's all over. kaput. why do you need that?

4.Why do we go to school? education is rubbish, life is the best educator of all and since you don't come out life alive anyway, why bother with all this nonsense? most kids are more intelligent than their teachers, some teachers suffer from an inferiority complex. some kids are cruel and make false accusations about their teachers. lets do away with it. However, some people feel inadeqaute when they don't have a piece of paper with some institution's name on it. Oh, the suspicion when others use bombastic words. they think you are out to get them. they should just get a brain.

5.Why do we bother with religion? honestly, we wouldn't be up to our waists in shit if it weren't for religion and yet we refuse to give up that muther! praying and praying to be accepted in the next life. praying to be praised for our stupendous deeds in the next life. waiting so much for the next life the present one passes us by. We can't even come back to say whether it had been worth all the maining, raping, plundering, pretending, praying. The ego. The creator played another joke on you folks. Ditch all those scriptures and just be. the world will be a better.

6. Why do we judge? simply, because we can. You know that thing about people in glass houses not throwing stones? well we all live in glass houses. ideally when we throw stones the glass should shatter and slash our eyes. that way we won't see any evil. we may hear it, but we wont be able to track it down

7.Why do we dress the way we do? I mean our own personal sense of style. Is it because someone advised you to dress like that? is it because of issues from childhood(here we go again) propelled you in that direction?I have a friend who dresses impeccably all the time. It's not as if she makes an effort or anything but she is just so impeccable. naturally i always sit on the edge of her sofas and ask permission to have a second drink. This offends her, she thinks we should be free to do whatever. but her sense of style forbids us to do so. tough

8. Why do we scream in bad situation? I was in a horrendous car crash some years ago. horrendous because the car apparently resembled a squashed coke can and i barely lived. All five of us came out alive....well one died within 24hrs. anyway, nobody screamed when it happened. like lambs to slaughter someone said. What exactly is the point of howling like that? Having said that, i once witnessed someone being beaten sensesless when i was about 10. I childishly screamed my lungs off because i thought they were going to murder the guy. they didn't but i don't think i've screamed ever since.it's disturbing

9. Why do we fear our bodies? children act naturally, feel at home in their skins, until evil adults tell them to cover up. they they think it's not ok to be naked.God help you if you take pics of your children in their natural state and your repressed neighbour sees them. Bye, bye kids, hello jail!

Heaven forbid if you are a woman and have to contend with those breadsticks called models in the magazines. I have a friend, an only child who apparently grew up in a house where everyone strutted around naked. She is 28 now and still her father can come in and wash her back for her. I think they've had dinners naked and it wasn't a problem. I have to adnmit, i cannot see how we could have strtted around like that in my household. I admire her parents for bringing her up so freely. ironically, she worries about her weight these days and her mother-in-law who is from angola(she is hungarian) once took off her top and fanned herself coz it was so hot. I think her huge african bosom shocked my friend, and that she could just do that in front of her. . maybe the lessons from childhood weren't so good after all!

10. Why do we gossip and share so-called secrets? because it's fun. a friend called me just before midnight last night. we havent spoken for a while since i was busy with exams. he's got relationship problems. he said to me"i haven't told anyone, you are the first im telling this to". I laughed out loud. who am i going to tell i said(except blogworld?and what would be the point? Issues of commitment with the lady,(he's 30yrs parents are pushing for him to settle down) his other girlfriend abroad, he said "you are going to think im a dog when you hear this". he is a nice dog anyway. but it was nice to gossip about this woman he had said he wasn't into months ago, and gossip about my own issues. Laugh at each others problems and see they aren't problems. not really. It was fun!

well this was fun.

LIFE

1. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Hubbard, Elbert

2. Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that, what have you had?
HENRY JAMES

3. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.
Helen Keller

DIFFICULTIES

1. There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them.
Phyllis Bottome

2. The man of character finds an especial attractiveness in difficulty since it is only by coming to grips with difficulty that he can realize his potentialities.
Charles de Gaulle

3. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
Albert Einstein

4. Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight.
Orison Swett Marden

5. The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.
Martin Luther King Jr.

ENTHUSIASM

1. Get excited and enthusiastic about you own dream. This excitement is like a forest fire - you can smell it, taste it, and see it from a mile away.
Denis Waitley

2. Enthusiasm is the electricity of life. How do you get it? You act enthusiastic until you make it a habit.
Gordon Parks

3. Knowledge is power, but enthusiasm pulls the switch.
Ivern Ball

HAPPINESS

1. The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: If you pursue happiness you'll never find it.
C.P. Snow

2. Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.
Burton Hills

3. When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

4. Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.
Denis Waitley

EXCUSES

1. He who excuses himself accuses himself.
Gabriel Meurier

2. An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie; for an excuse is a lie guarded.
Alexander Pope

3. People with integrity do what they say they are going to do. Others have excuses.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger

ACHIEVEMENT

1. If life were measured by accomplishments, most of us would die in infancy.
A. P. Gouthey

2. Never be satisfied with what you achieve, because it all pales in comparison with what you are capable of doing in the future.
Rabbi Nochem Kaplan

3. High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.
Jack Kinder

PERSEVERANCE

1. The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is: that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.
Henry Ward Beecher

2. Persistence is to the character of man as carbon is to steel.
Napoleon Hill

3. How long should you try? Until.
Jim Rohn

TIME
1. Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.
Leonardo Da Vinci

2. Time heals what reason cannot.
Seneca

3. Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Anonymous

4. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
Anonymous

5. Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure?
Author Unknown

6. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Hector Berlioz

7. Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.
Auguste Rodin

DREAMS

1. Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.
John Updike

2. The moment of enlightenment is when a person's dreams of possibilities become images of probabilities.
Vic Braden

3. If you don't have a dream, how are you going to make a dream come true?
Oscar Hammerstein

4. Some people follow their dreams, others hunt them down and beat them mercilessly into submission.
Neil Kendall

FAILURE
1. Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more.
Aretha Franklin

2. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because that's where you will find success. On the far side of failure.
Thomas J. Watson, Sr.

3. To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard

ABILITY

1. If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.
Thomas Edison

2. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.
Rosalynn Smith Carter

3. If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

ACTIONS

1. What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

2. I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions.
Dorothy Day

3. Your life will be no better than the plans you make and the action you take. You are the architect and builder of your own life, fortune, destiny.
Alfred A. Montapert

MOTIVATION

1. Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.
Stephen R. Covey

2. Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
Wayne Dyer

3. You have a very powerful mind that can make anything happen as long as you keep yourself centered.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

later

That's all people have to say when they want to sit next to you on the bus. If you have you bag or things on an empty seat and are looking out the window, why should someone plonk themselves on your stuff?

That ticked me off. I always ask, but people are so surly. yeah, when their rear-end is pointing towards your face, you'll move your stuff coz you can see it...the butt i mean. but why people have mouths and voices and don't co-ordinate the two is beyond me. Where is that politeness we should all be proud off.

Clearly i was ticked off and that didn't help my ticker one bit. Next time i shall let rip

later

I woke up suddenly at 5am this morning. As I squinted to try confirm the time on my clock, my mobile suddenly went off. It was a text from my cousin. Why anyone would text at 5am is beyond me. I can understand why she texted when she did. we exchanged a flurry of texts and when i tried to get up, my head was spinning. I have never woken up with a headache like that. I must have finally experienced a hangover for the first time in my life.

You see, I normally drink red wine. I prefer it to white, although i have had white occasionally, very cold, not just chilled and i prefer it on a really hot day. But last night, i bought a nice sweet Rose, cost me an arm and a couple of toesgot home and had a glass immediately(on an empty stomach. It had been a bit of a rough day and wasn't about to abate so i had to have it. I then decided to cook, made enough for me and my flatmate who had just come in. When i told her i was cooking enough for both of us, she became petulant and said I don't eat her food when she cooks. I don't like eating at 10pm. She puts in too much salt and she never says when she's gonna cook so i take care of myself.

She wasn't about to say no to the food though(that would have meant a lousy sandwich), so i offered her the wine and we started to talk a lot and gossip a bit:p.The meal was great, she ate every last morsel and i think there was more than enough greens to compensate for all our drinking. We polished off the bottle in no time.At the end I had a small glass of water before going to bed. In retrospect, i should probably have had a couple of large glasses.

So I got up gingerly to go and pee. My head was pounding and all i wanted was to go back to sleep and my stomach was feeling queasy. I didnt have the energy to go downstairs and drink water. I tried going back to sleep since my alarm had been set for 7:30am. Two hrs i should have been sleeping or having a spate of axiety attacks and there I was, staring at the ceiling, trying to still my head and stomach.

I tossed and turned and eventually got up, had a bath, had some breakfast, a glass of water and left the house only to be lost for two hrs. won't get into that now. My head is throbbing still, but at least it's not pounding anymore.

No more rose wine for me. at least not tonight

I learned from an early age that only two people can keep a secret...provided one of them is dead. I might have read it somewhere and I think my mother reiterated the point somewhere along the way. We all think we have secrets but they aren't really secret are they? not if another living soul besides yourself knows. It used to amuse me as a teenager when someone whispered something to me and said it was a secret. God, I was trusted with sooo many secrets precisly because I never opened my gob to anyone. They all knew this the confessors. Maybe it helped that I never confessed anything. Not that i had anything to confess

I kid myself into thinking I have a secret. Of course it's not a secret because another person knows about it. I experieced trauma two years ago. I won't go into it. I have not told anybody except this one person. It was unavoidable. But in my little world, I'm afraid it will destroy me. I'm almost willing to kill myself over this rather than have my family or anyone else find out. Nothing sinister and i'd probably get sympathy if I "confessed" but i won't. I almost told my cousin once. I have come close many times but like I said, i save my gob for food mostly. That's the thing about secrets. They are secret because of shame, guilt,anger or whatever negative word we attribute to whatever we are hiding. My friend could use my secret against me one day. To her it shouldn't be a secret. like i said trauma, but we all define our trauma's in different ways. I hope one day is still decades away.

Still a couple of years ago, my cousin( i talk about my cousins a lot because our parents are all dead. mothers and fathers. so we are all sisters and brothers and parents to each other)and I found out our other cousin and her daughter were hiding a secret. What's more, I knew about it all along but never put the facts together. That's the other fascinating thing about secrets. When you "uncover" one, you actually find, you had all the facts right in front of you but you just couldnt connect the dots. My cousin vivian and I are the same age. Peggy and Jo are in their early 40s. Jo has a 24 yr old whose secret they had been protecting for over 4 yrs. Peggy knew because Jo confided in her. It was too much for peggy who loves to share. me and her talk a lot though i don't share what i might consider to be sensitive info. we'll probably stop when we are both dead.

She needed to get it off her chest because it was eating her up and I was asking seemigly irrelevant questions which in her mind pointed to the secret. So she told me and Vivian.We weren't shocked like she thought we'd be. We now know, They don't think we do, and we all pretend like we don't. I've said to Viv, i can't keep it in anymore, but most days I let it go. Sad. nothing sinister but there you go. each person's secret is personal.

Then there was my aunt(jo's mum) may years ago. I must have been 12yrs old, my mum and I were visiting. When she said goodnight in her nighty, i noticed something odd.(this i will confess coz it's no longer secret) She was wearing a bra. I asked my mum why her sister was wearing a bra to bed. She was baffled. It turned out a year before that, she'd had breast cancer, underwent a mastectomy and so was stuffing the one side where her breast was gone. she hadn't told her sisters, close as they were, because of shame, didn't wanna worry them,secretive, whatever. It came out (later) because my mum was ill and peggy(there she goes again) said my aunt should tell. It was nothing to be ashemed off. we were all proud she beat cancer but till the day she died, some people didnt know she was missing a breast. secrets! who said you could contain them.

And then, there are other things that people ask about, things they don't know, and I tell them. They don't know how I know, but it's because I had conversations with my mother. It's not secrets, but it's things one wouldn't expect me to know. Little things that are secret because they haven't been shared.

Are there good and bad secrets? I sometimes wonder. They say the truth shall set you free always. If that were the case, we wouldn't go to the lengths we go to, to protect our identities, our lives, our pechants, our mistakes,our bigotry, our awful personalities. We wouldn't. There would be no need for secrets.We all lull ourselves into a false sense of security thinking what we say is safe with certain people. what we do from away from prying eyes is safe. what we confess to a shrink is ok, because we can trust them.

Wrong, you all know things you don't know you know. most of the time, you can jope it never comes out, a lot of the time, you should just say to yourself "is it really as bad as I imagine it is?"

Im my case i think it's that bad. But then, it might just be my imagination. Time will tell.

later

I hate transport for London! I really do. Having lost my oyster card on friday after loading it wiht a new travel card, i rushed around looking for it, went to a tube station and was eventually told I would have to ring up some 084 number. I did. I almost lost my temper. I was angry because i would not get refunded! Why not I asked. she told me the rules were on the back of the card, said i should have a look and started rattling them off. I stopped her dead on her tracks. The fucking card was lost, how was I going to read rules and regulations? all I wanted was to know whether i would get my money back and how i could tavel in the next few days. Talk about appalling service! I was shunted from one department to the next, had to listen to an awful lot of options and in the end nobody could help. Basically i had two options: cancel it and then reapply and pay £5 on top of what i had lost, or wait a couple of days in case someone hand it in at a tube station. Usually when they get handed in the staff destroys them and don't bother to call the oyster office to let them know. whay do they do that? when you've got money on a card, lose it and a good samaritan finds it, shouldn't the powers that be find you? especially if you report it and it had your photo on it? I mean why the fuck do we pay what we pay to travel on public transpor if they are going to let us down? Very unhappy.

Last night i went out with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We hung out at some lebanese restaurant in leicester square. The waiter who took our drinks orders was a young guy, smiled a lot and was friendly. When we wanted to order food we were confronted by a surly girl. Im sure she was just being efficient. we kept asking about items on the menu, she couldn't/wouldn't answer. I kept saying to Sophie "i don't like her", we felt she hated us, but then we burst out laughing when we thought about how we have dealt with people in various work situations. I have had people ask me to smile recently so in retrospect i was probably exactly like our waitress and people felt the way sophie and I did. yeah, customer service.

Apparently I am a bitch. The worst sort around because I DON'T KNOW IT MYSELF.I will explore this tomorrow and you guys can give me your verdict.

Later

It's my mom's birthday today.I lit a candle on the first birthday after she had died. That was difficult and very emotional(and i pride myself in being unsentimental). I got thru that. Tiday wasn't bad. I wasn't feeling bad so i guess time does heal all wounds, or atleast the pain goes away and you are able to live with the gaping hole. Don't have a candle to light this year. I have had two glasses of wine and was feeling a bit light-headed whilst watching the England Vs Trinidad match.

Thank goodeness for wayne rooney and that lenin guy. they definitely changed the game.

came across rather insolent and violent shcoolkids in putney. the little rascals were vandalising public phones, kicking the doors while another kid was trying to make a phone call. It was horrible. The one silly and loud girl(had the body of a model, could be the next naomi campbell by the look of things) went on the bus and her ear splitting screams were doing my head in. Lets hope she doent have violent streaks in her:p

was meant to meet a male friend today. after Monday's horror episode I told him I'm not coming to his house we should meet round trafalgar square or some other place. he cancelled today. he suffers from horrible hay fever, particulalry when it's sunny. just as well. The almost rapist from Monday telephonet to inviteb me to France next week. The scary thing is he believes I only have a phobia of being locked in and so said he wouldnt lock me in. I give up. there are lunatics and there are maniacs. he is definitely the latter. I made the mistake of telling one of my clients who was with he enighbour and son. they made me feel like it would be my fault if he did that to someone else and went on about moral obligations and things like that. I know he crossed the line when he locked me in, never mind that he hadnt been holding a gun to my head previously. but it's not that clear cut and involving the police would put me in more danger than just ignoring him at this point. I have to weigh the pros and cons and hope anyone esle who goes with him isnt stupid.

i dont want to die just yet and that could happen. im not being paranoid, just careful.

drat, need to go do my laundry...well some of it. My room needs to look spic and span.
later

I met an acquaintance for a drink yesterday. we had a nice chat. well he was talking rubbish but so was I at times. he wanted to bar hop. i didn't considering he was 1hr late and my hayfever is driving me nuts. never had it before, i do need to see my GP pronto.

We left the pub, he said we were going to some centre where students who do my course hang out. It turned out to be his little flat. I told him i would stay for 30mins since it was late and i really didnt wanna stay out too late.he offered me a drink. coke with vodka. i declined the vodka but took the coke. Thankfully it was sealed because at that point I was beginning to feel a little apprehensive and uncomfortable. my short demin skirt, coupled with a t-shirt with "pyschobitch" written across it didn't do me any favours. clearly he was getting excited but not in the right manner.

It seems he had it in his head that since we have corresponded so freely, it meant i was gonna jump into bed with him. i think he's been in those situations before. He then demanded a kiss from me. i said no. He smiled. it looked devillish. he locked the door, pocketed the keys and said I wasn't gonna leave. The bastard was serious. He demanded that i show him my butt! I couldnt believe it. I said NO! emphatically. He started to label me a prude and called me all sort of other names. He thought i was playing a game and my being a little scared, particularly when he put his hand near the zip on his jeans made me jump out of my chair. I was pretty sure he was gonna whip out his penis. It was indeed what he intended to do. christ almighty what to do??! I was thinking like crazy, i couldnt get out, he could rape me or kill me or both.

I had to gather my wits and be smart. So i told him if he didnt open the door I would jump out the window. the fucker dared me to do it. He couldnt believe it when i ripped the drapes open and looked out. he believed I would jump. perhaps i would've. He apologised and said he just wanted to see how far he could push me. as far as i was concerned he'd pushed far enough. i was petrified but i wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing that and using it against me. Then he said something about wanting me to be in his film. Clearly he thought I was born yesterday. he rang up his friend, whom he wanted me to meet, whom ive met incidentally at my flat when my previous roommate had brought him over. I told him i had a headache and stood by the door. he put the keys on the table and said i should take them and open the door. Fucking hell! I didnt budge and told him I wanted to go and that's it. By now it had been more than 45mins, I was getting angrier by the minute and my headcahe was getting worse.

So he gave me three options:1) stay the night coz he'd been waiting a long time to have me and he couldnt help himself!

2) kiss him
3) if i left he was leaving with me,i could ring up my boyfriend and let him talk to him.

The options did not appeal to me and i was just getting angrier. He then sort of gave up and said I was stubborn and really difficult. He didnt know that about me. Was i afraid of my boyfriend etc. At that point i was beyond reasoning with him, I almost called 999 and told him i would do it. Eventually he put the key on the door and said i could unlock it. i did, but then he needed to open the main door downstairs. He had to come with me. The friend rang him, asked if i wanted to mee(via this moron). I said no, he made apologies said i had a headache etc. Said he knew i would never go back to his flat, insisted on walking me down to the bus stop by grabbing my neck and pulling me back when i was walking fast. My neck hurts even now.

Eventually at thwe bus stop, he was apologetic and said he had been tryin to see if I really meant no. IF i didnt kick that cocksucker in the nuts then, I never will! I told him ive been consistent since we met, why would i say no and mean yes. I had been terrified and he thought it was a joke. his answer: because lots of girls say no when they mean yes.what a psycho!

I thought we left the stone/dark ages behind a long time ago. clearly some blokes are still stuck in a time warp Im glad as terified as I was, I was able to stay calm and eventually get myself out. It could have been worse. im stupid sometimes but i still have half a brain left

lesson:next time, walk away from the pub and go home. better still do not agree to have drinks with guys who cant accept being just friends. I have two other friends who sort of pounce on me when i visit them on occasion. i do not enocurage them they know i dont want to start a sexual relationship with them but i wonder if there is something abut me that says "take a chance". It really pisses me off!

No! means NO! END OF

bring back powerful memories. im sitting here reading all your blogs and suddenly that song"baby you are all that i want" starts playing on the radio. the dance version. reminded me of my Friend danilo's farewell do at some club in earl's court a coupla years ago. me and Danilo go back far.mmmh, anyway, it was the song we danced to at the club. suddenly there was an atmosphere. we let it pass. we'd been there already. whenever i hear that song, i think of that night.I miss clubbing sometimes. we all went back to the flat at 4am when i had to get up at 5am. Never slept. danilo, frankie and marley(parent named him after bob marley) being Italian decided we should stop off at some tesco and get past and they cooked the most amazing past. I couldnt believe I was eating pasta at 4:30am. I dashed into the shower and prepared myself to go to work. I don't know how i lasted that day.l I was a bloody zombie, on autopilot.

And then there's ringtones.there are ringtones I can't bear to listen to even now because I associate them with certain people or a certain time that's gone. I dunno if Im just a nostaligic fool or whether it's normal for this to happen to people. Maybe im overly sensitive.who knows??

God Im knackered. The day manager was having a meltdown today. saying he wonders if people think he's mad. this was after one guy rang to say he'll be late for work since he was gonna watch the soccer. I said to him"maybe you are crazy!" I dont think i was cruel. he is just not a people's person. not that i am. Domeone asked me to smile today. I mustve looked sullen i couldnt be bothered to be honest. Im knackered, it's hot, I dont want to smile.

Then i did a spot of shopping. well tried on clothes, they were all too big, I hated looking at my boobs(i am getting obsessed I see and so i left bloody oxford street. went home, heated up last night's left-overs and began to tidy my room. well, partly, but at least ive started i need an early night, but somehow i doubt i'll do it.

England scraped a win together. I doubt sweden will be sympathetic. Clearly the last two world cups havent taught those boys anything.
cheers

Wekll I guess i should congratulate nmyself on having lasted this far in blog, although i have been in hiatus for a week and a half! Neil missed me, bless him.

I had to deal with that wretched dissertation, which was late, i was dealing with it even this morning. so I am assured of a whopping zero! Also i wrote an exam this past tuesday, which was ok except i had brain freeze on a really crucial question that i had been confident about before attempting it. So I am pretty sure i will not be graduating.Sad but true. i did it to myself and the only comfort I can take friom the sorry mess called my life is that my parents aren't alive to witness it. I think the look of disappointment on their faces would have been more that i could bear.. ok moving swiftly along

Thank to steph, anywichway, magicalmysterytours for helping me out with my questionnaire. Despearte times called for desperate measures and you delived superbly:p

Been almost pulling all nighters and so my body clock has gone crazy. what with the laptop freezing, then telling me i cant save anymore info last night, i was ready to scream bloody murder. I dint' even see one client this morning. She said i shouldnt come since i was so stressed getting this fucking doocument off. In total I have spent more than £100 today for something that's rubbish. better luck next time perhaps.

Sunday when i returned from my shift of slavery, there was a note form landbitch, bitching about us not contacting her, demanding her money by the 3rd of everymonth and she had the audacity to dsay we were taking the piss and insulting her. This from someone who misspelt her own email addy and didnt leave a new contact number after claiming her phone was stolen! Perhaps her brain is in Sudan, fuck knows

This was the last thing i needed so i went off and emailed her,(it was easy to wrk out what she got wrong ). I was extremelyu polite and she responded promptly the following day with a phone call, and a grovelling abpology. She should never ever speak to us like that again.

So today, i was contemplating what to do now that i dont have this incessant typing to do, i feel like im coming down with a cold, but mybe it's hay fever coz It's just the one nostril bugging me. Got a text from milk boy who asked when im delivering the goods. He wants a woman like me since he cant have me, i said i would help him look, im still looking there is no one like me. Landbitch rang to drop a bombshell. at that point I really wished |I was an alocholic cos threshers was right in front of me and i would have downed a coupla bottles of brandy im sure. She is installing"an old man". her words. her mom's friend. says he is a jamaican and not a prevert. why is she going on about his nationality and habits. I said i wasn't happy, i dont need a father figure we shall get back to her.(she isnt talking to my flatmate, they screa,m at each other on the phone

My skin looks shitty since i havent been drinking water, Ive been eating crisps, bread(which is bad for my digestive system. i need prepH now and i thought i'd buy some groceries and get on the good diet. Im sure ive gained some pounds. I have a potentially red-hot date this satrurday, never mind that i have to get up for slavery on sunday so i was thinking i would save my liver for later. toon late, I succumbed to temptation a while ago and had a coupla glasses of horrible portuguese rose. The first glass was awful, the second rather good. I know i was geting tipsy. had a bagel and decided to come vent my spleen Can drink milk of magnesia and let the liver recover.

hot day today. had on jeans which have been getting frayed between the thighs since started to use the tube. Changed after work for my denim mini. had a few looks. wondered if I had thunderthighs!:D

my room looks like a pig sty, all my clothes are dirty. wore a 5yr old see thru blouse today. one guy actually peered down my chest. didnt realise at first. aah, the joys of having your grapes suddenly look like plums thanks to a push up

been flashing on the tube. cant help it. there is no way for me to sti with this skirt without a bit showing but im wearing knickers, clean ones of course so im safe
had to go without a bra the other day. so absent minded. realised something was afoot when the guy and girl opposite me on the tube were staring intently. My nipples were erect under my tight top. what a sight

gotta dash. any remedies for my cold/hayfever thing? tired of sniffling!!!