I wish it was from more licentious activities but no, it's from being a slave. A slave to the economic well-being of England. Yep, all weekend long, running around, trying to give great customer service although to be fair, i'm unable to pretend to be happy. That false sense of being happy to help and work, i just can't do it. So i mostly did is with a straight face, which can be scary sometimes. well to the people looking at the face

My feet hurt, perhaps i should dial up the slave-wanna-be to come and massage my feet.The problem is he might get carried away and sniff them till he passes out, as my blog friends sussed out from his email correspondence. Shit! i'll have to put ice on that idea then what's a girl to do?

I need to do some shopping. don't ask where the money will come from. I'll cross that brige when i get to it. Perhaps i will just jump over it that would sort out a lot. I seriously look the way i feel. Ashen is the expression I am not drinking enough fluids. I fell off the healthy eating wagon a few this weekend. Croissants, cokes(the cola type ice creams from Iceland, chocolate. not good. Im trying to lose 2 pounds here although a colleague today told im mad. Mind you he might be right. My boobs are shrinking right in front of me and you know what they say: when they go, the shape goes too! ain't life brutal to us womenfolk? guys don't go thru this shit, but let me not bash men. after my little encounter last week I should just smile and move along.

I'll sleep in tomorrow. drat there is laundry to do. For someone who's knackered this is an awfully long post. I'll stop here. Rant over

today life sucks. someone almost made me cry. It was very unfair. I told someone else. they said i wasnt at fault. of course i wasn't but im sick and tired of being taken advantage of, or feeling vulnerable.

fuck it all

i was on a congested bus in East london yeasterday. It stopped at a tube astation and there were two muslim women waiting to get on. I assume they were muslim because of the way they were dressed. Just as they were about to step onto the bus, a couple of hooligans appeared from nowhere and one grabbed the one woman's handbag and proceeded to jog away. I witnessed this horror thru the window. The disgusting thing was people around her laughing as she screamed and pointed at the thief. I wondered at the humanity within people in London.

The bus driver calmly pulled away and some schoolkids were still talking about it inside. i wondered if i would have had the courage to run after him had I been nearby. he didnt seem dangerous. He just needed to be wrestled down and bicthslapped a few times.

I told one of my clients about it this morning. About my disgust at how people laughed at the crime. She said it was probably because she was muslim. She said had it been a Brit(she is english herself)then the people wouldhave been up in arms. I wonder about that. Crime shouldn't be condone because someone is muslim and therefore denotes a terrorist. not fair on that poor woman.

Im pissed off. precisly because im using a Mcdonalds internet thing which has cheated me out of £3 for an hrs worth of net access. That's enough for a cheap chilean wine since im going to My friend's farewell dinner in a few mins. she is going away. Fuck!! i just rang her, thankfully she has a cold and doesnt want to drink. anyway if she were she'd just get horny and lament her lack of sexual activity:p

cheers

Met a guy last night. we chatted.He made me laugh. went to a pub for a drink. Later he tucked me into a little corner he found and kissed me senseless. I abandoned myself to his intoxicating kisses:p. So intoxicating that they left me breathless and whimpering like a puppy. I think he quite enjoyed my boldly kissing him back without a care in the world.Such was the passion that our bodies automatically came together almost making us one. I thought it was a perfect fit. We said our goodbyes.I did not look back.

Later in my bed, i wondered if it had all been a dream. No, it was definitely real. I smiled to myself and slept soundly

Mind you, i still think men are dangerous. My chastity belt remains firmly on. Passionately sweet kisses are ok once in a while aren't they...ok maybe they're ok frquently?
I might or might not see him again. But im glad we kissed. it was just what we both needed i think.
aaah

GIRLS leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and
make plans.GROWN WOMEN make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in
where he fits in.

GIRLS want to control the man in their life.
GROWN WOMEN know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

GIRLS admonish you for not calling them.
GROWN WOMEN are too busy to realize you hadn't.

GIRLS try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex.
GROWN WOMEN know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'lock' you down.

GIRLS fake-moan, lie there and pretend like they are enjoying it!
GROWN WOMEN say, "Just get off me,you don't know what the hell you are doing", get dressed and walk.

GIRLS are afraid to be alone.
GROWN WOMEN revel in it-- using it as a time for personal growth.

GIRLS ignore the good guys.
GROWN WOMEN ignore the bad guys.

GIRLS make you come.
GROWN WOMEN make you come home.

GIRLS worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
GROWN WOMEN know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

GIRLS try to monopolize all their man's time(eg. don't want him
hanging out with his friends).
GROWN WOMEN realize that a lil bit of space makes the 'together time'
even more special--and goes to kick it with her own
friends!

GIRLS think a guy crying is weak.
GROWN WOMEN offer their shoulder and a tissue.

GIRLS want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
GROWN WOMEN 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate
w/o fear of losing his 'manhood'.

GIRLS get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
GROWN WOMEN know that was just one man.

GIRLS fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their
affection, ignoring all the 'signs'.
GROWN WOMEN know that sometimes the one you love doesn't always love
you back and move on, without bitterness.

GIRLS will read this and get an attitude.
GROWN WOMEN will read this and ask...which one am I?

peace

Flatmate had the runs yesterday. I dashed off and bought her a coke. she claimed it was just cramps but she kept rushing off to the loo:p

After haviung my very healthy dinner(steamed vegebales, i think i got more than the required daily five, plus had a fruit piece), i had a bath. There was a strange moment when i was chatting to her from my doorway naked while applying lotion all over my body, and she was sitting on the toilet um..shitting.Or trying to. She was looking at me, i looked back. I think this is the first time she has seen me totally naked stading up. I have seen her in the bath but those are irrelevant things. anyway, we were bitching about landbitch and the various bastards who keep trying to get it on with us! It was fun.She owes me money. I was stupid enough to lend her my last bit of money. I just can't resist wet cats being one myself. im not complaining im just saying it's time i put a fence around my trampled upon mushy heart

I read a bit after, then got three succesive phone calls from a friend who had been in hiatuts. I didnt wanna talk to him at 10:30pm so i didnt answer. I wondered if there might be a crisis and decided i didnt want to get involved. He rang today as soon as i got off the tube. we can make it for another time.I was going to lie and say i was asleep when he rang. I felt bad but a colleague told me it would be a white lie. Those are sometimes ok arent they? when you are older and you can live with the guilt and justify it? Strange, how we chop and change

he is another one who sits too close to me sometimes. i have told him to move away once, after shifting and him sliding towards me still on the sofa. what is with these people. maybe i should get a personality transplant. maybe not. otherwise i wont get people throwing themselves at my feet, calling me a superior godess amnd wanting to be at my beck and call, i wont meet people who chat with me and tell me i am graceful, captivating and graceful and have them want to see me just so they can listen to my voice and get lost on trains and have to take the night bus because they were following me around Haa! ohh, no. with a personlaity transplant all the fun might stop. perhaps i need brain surgery. a chip to be drilled to tell me: your health and your studies are important. i might just see the doctor tomorrow. Not for the lump, for something else. I have convinced myself it's not a lump so that's cool. am i mad? nah,just loco

Wish i'd been running the marathon today. perhaps i'll do it before i dearly depart from this world.
I'm knackered. im off

That's what i got for the assignment that was not going to be marked until I wrote a letter defending my reasons for sending it inlate and why i expected it to be marked!

I got half the marks I deserved for every question because apparently i didn't acknowledge my sources enough Im confused: if something is general knowledge which fucking source am i meant to acknolege??? If i state that the war in Iarq contiinues, for example, which bloody source should i quote on that? Oxfam? The civil war in Darfur: shgould I qoute the metro? you arent going to bloody find that in any history books, and you dont need books for that because our bloody eyes are peeled to the situation right?

This woman, who lived in South africa should know you don't quote histroy books about things like that. I mean we are debating Nelson Mnadela's bloody statue at the moment? who is my source? Ken livingstone? I bloody well pissed off! well Upset

On the other hand, having almost threatened her with some kind of action, i was expecting 40% at the most. That I got 59% and she stated it was because of the source thing which i disagree with,(general knowledge is just that!), im fine with the mark. I know i could have got 90+ so in my mind i got that. My brain is still tops and i didnt even review the damn assgnment after typing it

I dont agree with her reasons, but i suppose i should be grateful she marked it and it's a pass

I decided to walk all the way to the west end yesterday. I tried to follow the bus route, got lost and almost found myself going up to Kilburn at some point. then i had to cross the road while cars were dashing by, found myself on edgeware road and decided to catch a bus to oxford street. Aaah., i didnt know the mid-season sales were on so it was a nice surprise, but it was a little late(round5:30pm) having walked for the beter part of 2hrs. Went into the Gap(nearest to the bus stop where i got off), i sniffed around, didnt really find anything i liked. Moved on to H&M. More than sniffed around there. Saw a very interesting dres draped on a mannequin. thought it might look great on me at Carnival later this year. Blackjuan, i hope you will come with me this time so we can drink Deciever's alcohol for free. I have paid my dues there so dont chicken out

I saw another scoopneck balck number, size8 and grabbed it as well. I was really looking for a little black skirt, saw one although the size8 just looked too big around the waist to my trained eye. I got a coupla tops as well and a white skirt and went into the changing rooms. The "carnival dress" just looked different on me. It's meant to be loose at the top and to skim your curves and a belt is supposed to add that extra zing. It just looked strange on me. Not sexy and not right. I guess i needed to look exaclty like the mannequin for it to fit

White skirt: jesus! it reminded me of my cousin's skir. I was wearing one of my slogan thongs. this one was pink and said"whatever!" AS soon as I pulled up the skirt i strted laughing to myself. It had exactly the same effect my cousin's had. YOu could read the underwear right thru the skirt. Unfortunately the length wasn't quite right. I think a skirt should either be abover the knees or much longer. somewhere midcalf looks wrong. If YOu have shapely legs, they arent flattered. If you have stumps or sticks then they stand out even more. The problem for me as well was at the waist. It almost fitted but it didnt sit near my hipbones which looks better on me. I tried it with a bacl top with tinny polkas and it looked divine. I could adjust the top to give me a cleavage or raisins. Naturally i went for cleavage since my bust has been reduced slightly due to some weight loss. Damn!

Next was the balck number. Oooh, when i zipped it up on the side and saw it hug my curves and just flare out and felt a thrill run through me. Kinda like when i tried on the shirt dress. But i had seen an orange or rust version and decided to try that colour. I already had an idea of where and when i could wear that dress. I produced a nice cleavage as well. I put up my hair, did a little bun(going for the school marm type) and then i shook it loose. God the transformation!!!:p anway, the orange looked superb, i had a hard time decicidng but in the end i didnt buy it. I guess I didnt want it badly enough. HOwver i think it had more to do with the material than anything else. a material for a black number should be soft and shimmery otherwise there is no point. I'll keep looking.I have one anyway but another wouldnt hurt. all my summer minis still fit. i want to get fitter and firmer. maybe im just paranoid, i must get on with college work instead

I needed to look at shoes as well but by the time i left it was after 7pm. i was tired and so headed home by tube this time. Today i stayed in, dealt with my messy hair, got a text from slave-wanna-be addressing me as "superior Princess" and as Godess princess, asking if i was going to the libraruy and a whole lot of other things. So we might meet a little later at the library(which is where we always meet. If he is a good boy, well...

Flatmate has stolen my secret socks! I only noticed because i had to check myself on the long mirroe and saw it peeking from under her bed. a coupla pairs have been missing for a while now,since i washed them! What am i meant to do with people who still my stuff. A few months ago it was someone nicking my bras, now we are down to socks! Lord have mercy coz when i lose my temper it wont be pretty. She has long hair so i can grab it and shake her. We might roll around on the floor and have a girly fight maybe not, she could enjoy it.
I'll have to wait for the rain to abate before setting off,otherwise i wont go to the library. mmh, i might go to geezer's he is guranteed to make me laugh but im detoxing from easter drinking so i might just pass on that. so many options, what's a girl to do

The weekend kicked off with a thorough tarot and runes reading by a client's friend. He didn't know me, so i didnt have to pay someone dodgy in Camden town. Runes are based on the viking culture, little stones with signs which have meaning. Well, the theme of my reading was letting go off baggage and looking forward to reaping success, if i do what i'm meant to. Not bad, but so apt. The healer thing came up again. Oh dear went for a few drink with a girlfriend after.

Come saturday,I worked like a slave, then went off to a gig in westbourne coz a friend has a colleague who is in a band(and a crush on the colleague) and she'd got tickets for the do. We kicked off with some pub grub, I had a pint(that makes it how many since friday??) then we hopped on a bus. She didn't know where the place was, wanted to take a cab from the tube station. However we looked at the roads thru the window and as soon as we got to the road we were looking for we hopped off. Would you believe we got off right in front of the venue! it was funny when we asked the guys milling about for some club(can't remember the name) and they told us this is it we went in, the guy in the band came to meet us. He was very tall not too mascular but he had potential:P. I watched my friend when talking to this guy, she is smitten. Someone she's been flirting with eventually told her big girls intimidate him. She is obese, she liked the flirting but the truth is if it came to the crunch she'd feel self-conscious about stripping in front of a boy. so they were sending each other mixed signals. Anyuway this is besides the point.

went to the bar, she wanted an alcopop, they didnt do them. I decided on vodka and coke.she had the same. the guy made them double vodkas. £10 for the two. Ouch!! this wasnt the west end. we gulped them down. Since i have said im looking for a girl, she was scoping out all the women, asking me what i thought of them. they looked rather deranged. I went to the bathroom, when the first double vodka was kicking in and saw a girl come out of a cubicle with a glass of wine. She didnt flush, i looked around for possible "white powder residue" ,nothing. what the hell was she doing in there??? So i peed and went back to watch the band. they were rather good, (they wont be selling records anytime soon though but it was fun. when they were done, some DJ started playing some good tunes and i loosened up and started dancing with abandon. We had more vodka+coke,(single this time) but it was too late to be cautious. we were tipsy already. i danced some more, she kept trying to get women for me and i told her to give it up. i really wasnt in that mood.we caught the bus to the tube station, which took all of 3mins. She was on the opposite side of the platfrom and there we were talking about how she needs to get this guy in her bed pronto. So bizzare with people listening and looking at us. Coming with strategies and the way she kept howling"thank you big sista!" across to me. she is older by the way. Mercifully the train came and i marvelled at my ability to read a magazine while i felt like i was hovering above myself looking down!.
Got a call as soon as i'd had a bath round 1am. from her. I told her i didnt drown in the bath. she met the guy randomly getting off the train. god help her. i had to reassure her but i hope she doesnt become obssesive.

Sunday: working with the director. The south african manager is gone. sweet relief. Couldnt wait for the day to end. Went to visit a friend south of the river, after asking him to promise not to molest me. Fat chance. He pounced as soon as I got thru the door. While i was trapped on his lap, with my hand put up to barr any kisses, we actually talked about why I couldnt. we wouldnt be friends anymore, i value our friendship, blah blah. of ocurse as a bloke, he had to counter that and promise things wouldnt change etc. we've been thru that. he is quite big. he could have hurt me actually if he wanted and i could not have done anything about it. I have told him ive been thru painful experiences recently and the pain just does not seem to abate. cant trust men or having sex with friends. Eventually he released me. I had just the one glass of sweet white wine and then drank loads of water. I was tired from work and fending off a male friend was the last thing i needed. we left together, he was seeing someone is elephant. some couple was arguing on the tube. kids really. we smiled

Aaah, sweet monday. fuckall to do for a change. no dashing about.I Slept in. awoke around 8am. read a little bit. used my pocket pleaser for a few mins, wondered if flatmate was in or could hear. didnt care:P. set my alarm for an hr later and tried to get back to sleep. I had the most enchantinly vivid sex dream. Jesus, i could not believe it. It was me, me, methe whole thing was great, particularly after having a dream about deciever and other deciever's in my life. Cant go into that now.

BUt my nice sexy dream was rudely shattered by a hauntinly solemn voice singing about "the blood of jesus". That song just pierced thru my soul and would leave me alone when i suddenly awoke. I went off and had a bath. My flatnmate was playing a CD from church. A male voice came thru singing the very song again. Shit. Then i looked at my back. I have a lump of some sort near my spine I saw it last week but it seems to have grown. I see it clearly when i lift my arms. wondered if it was just muscle. looked at the other side. nothing. It's not painful, but im worried now. Maybe not, it might not be such a good thing to worry about lumps seeing how cancer runs in my family.the damn CD was still going and i just wanted to flee in tears. that is how those songs were affecting me.

I checked my boobs. No lumps there...i think. but the thing on my back just looks abnormal. I might give it a couple of weeks athen see GP. Or maybe i'll forget about it. que serra serra

1.cough mixture...(again)

2.Running shoes..(summer's almost round the corner )

3.another sexy dress:p

4.more underwear..super low rise

5.super lowrise jeans:P

6. Candida cream...or get some advice first

Flatnate gave me money today for topping up electricity. we have been in dark city twice because of her. good girl. she has no self-control over her money so i will hold the purse strings now.:p

Had a healthy super last night, which i nearly burned coz I was on the phone: grilled pork chops,steamed brocolli, cauliflower&gem squash.fried mushrooms and onions(in olive oil). very healthy wouldnt u agree?. I was hungry again at midnight though coz i reduced the protion. I did not succumb to the pangs. Oh Yeah!!

Did some trecthing exercises this morning, nothing too strenous. I feel good already Still avoiding starting work on my research. i will have nobody but my own damned self to blame. lets not even go into the graphics designing. here i am blogging instead of preparing for my future how hopeless can one get?

My niece is apparently having a crisis with her mother. Oh dear. meetings abound i hear. she has just turned 16yrs. a very precarious age if you ask me. Not that i was precarious at 16. actually i was. that was the year i really felt i had to get out of the damned boarding school or else. didn't give a damn about my grades, i just wanted it all to end. No chance of that. Im fine now, someone said thank god all mighty we are free at last on our last day of shcool. she is an actress now.

why am i talking about this rubbish? got nothing to do with anything.

That laser thing that is suppoed to tackle cellulite? get real, the only way is in a change of diet or better still, accepting and embarcing the orange peel wholeheartedly
Peace

An american friend is looking for a wife.He can't have me(otherwise we wouldnt be friends) so he has asked me to help him look. He has sent a picture because all those women will want to know what he looks like. He's not bad. was in the navy so looks and is fit. He is a bit hotheaded though which is what i wrote in the blurb that i sent out to single-eish girlfriends. the crucial point is he hates living in America when so many other people would sell their mother's to get a slice of the so-called american dream. I met him here in London a couple of years ago.

So, i fired off an email to the ladies, telling him what a nice person he is, a little history about him. One girlfriend who really wants a man right now replied saying "i don't think he is that good looking, but i trust you princess. please put me on the list". The photo she attached is from 3years ago. She more or less still looks the same. The thing is he had said he wants a woman who is fit like me, my size, blah, blah. This woman is nothing like that. She does have a nice body but she is taller and bigger wheareas im a bit petite. A plus is that she is a bit of a nympho although i don't know how D would handle that. I mean the girl isn't scared to call me up and tell me, she is gagging for d**k, hasn't had it in a while and... well you get my point. But she is open-minded, she has a daughter as does he. (chances of anyone in their late 20s without a child or ex-husnabd or a deranged ex are pretty minimal these days. i guess im the anomaly

He is 39 but could easily pass for 33 i think. Good skin, nice american drawl if you are into that and he is honest. He wants to live anywhere except where he is now. Anyway, i duly passed on my friend's pic(minus the message that she doesnt think he's too hot) and he thinks she is attractive. which she is. So i have emailed them both separately to ask if they want to correspond directly. If nothing comes of it, she will have gained a friend since she likes sampling different nationalities. he'd better have a big cock because otherwise she won't stay with him unless she really likes him. then she will be devoted to him. she is a nice person and has stood for shit from other men. there was an ex who used to beat her up, couldn't give her good sex(impotent) yet when he landed in hospital he demanded that she go see him otherwise he would kill himself. She obliged. I was angry at the manipulation. she shoulda told the fucker to make the death as fast as possible

On the other hand, my cosuin says he looks good, can't fathom why he is still alone. same questions she is getting at 28. haa!she wants a more recent pic. saw she'd forwarded my email with pic to some of her colleagues. She wants to know if he has money and can support himself. gosh, this woman, the more she moves up, the more... i asked if she was asking for herself or for other people. still waiting for an answer I could send him a pic with her in it but it comes with one of me in my pink bikini in a rather languid pose. dont think it's a good idea to send that via the net:b

So if you have friends who are single and would like a fit bloke lemme know so i can get the ball rolling. who knows, this might be the beginning of a good business. not those where you pay £10 000 to scout for partners globally for people.Christ!

last night flatmate tottered back into the flat, apologised if she worried me by disapperaing. she'd been to some party, where some serial dater or "charmer" was buggin her. has bugged me before that boy. i think she was still slightly hung over but that was ok. she is safe and sound. I nipped into primark on my way to college today. the most horrid dresses they had! Will not return for a dress. They had lovely white trowusers though. i could already see that pair hugging my curves, no pants or thongs. You gotta be careful with white trousers. they expose all the imperfections:dimples on thighs, cellulite...need i go on?

Will start my jogging routine tomorrow, just to firm everything up a bit more. I intend to have the best summer yet. Oh, there might be a god afterall! my supervisor has emailed me a copy of my research proposal, which i couldnt open. i emailed it to another account and voila! i have a printed copy:p. i may have only 7 weeks but it looks like i might just get my degree by the skin of my teeth. if i get 50% for this dissertation and get another 50% in the final exam. I think i will manage.I dont care about A+ anymore, that was the first time aound and it's ok to just pass now.I might have a breakdown after but i think my mother will be happy...wherever she is. i will be relieved as well if truth be told.

boobs are shrinking again. why can't we lose weight only where we want? a slimmer waist or trim bum doesnt mean we want to have raisins on the chest. Im far from having raisins, just making a point

later

The futile search for a psychic in Camden town on friday was just that. Futle. I arrived at the Camden locks searching frantically for a woman I had seen sotime last year, and all i saw was a table and a couple of chairs.I was as relieved as I was dismayed for my search for a psychic stems from emotional turmoil which anyone can spot a mile off. So why part with £20 for someone to tell me the obvious? I do need some guidance though. The trusted American Indiam man wasn't there. I belatedly remmebred he only goes there on sundays. the one who offered to train me coz I have"the gift". haa!

Anyway, i left without buying anything. Not even the cheap chinese, moroccan and indian food could entice me to have my supper ther. I went home, via tescos and bought me some groeceries and made myself a home cooked meal. havent seem my flatmate for 5 days now. I hope she is safe wherever she is.

Then i got an interesting email from an acquaintance. This is a guy I met in a library a few months ago but then discovered we had actually met before that. I just couldnt place his face. He remembered. He was the guy from the off-licence. The place i used to dash to when an promising job fell thru or i was just depressed. It was literally a minute from where i lived so i would dash in, dazzle him with a smile and leave with a huge bottle of smirnoff ice. sometimes two. depending. I would then guzzle the bottle dwon and have a good night's rest. He never knew the reason why i woukd just come in and get the drink.

Anyway, at the library: we said hello, i asked his name, got his email addy and we started emailing. I began to get what i thought were strange emails from this new friend. Forwarded stories of domination/surbodination/ etc.i read these stories and made no comment. Then he hinted that he was in awe of me and he doesnt know how to refer to me or indeed to interact with me. said something about the women in his life, especially his aunt was a dominat figure and used to make him do things(not sexual) like massage her feet or other tasks in the home in front of other people. It confused him but he quite liked it.

After a few of these stories and him hinting that he thinks he is a deviant in some ways for he is not so interested in the vanilla stuff i asked if he was into domination and all that and whther he has a relationship with someone where he can explore that side of him. Not too much shocks me these days. He then said he doesnt have that relationship.Said he obediently and respectfully awaits patiently to do my bidding. always ends with"respectfully yours".

I might just have a slave in my hands. the dude wants me to be his slavemaster and perhaps i should take him up on it:p i mean i dint understand what he was going on about at foirst. he wasnt too clear. But i can imagine getting him to do my bidding. not sexually im not into him like that but im other ways. poor sap will think about it hard.

I got an email where you had to ask people to decribe you in one world. My one friend infuriated me coz she said"confused". i think i was mad coz it's true in some ways. another said complex. the little bitches. but then i had: humble, strong, courageous, beautiful,happy,empathetic and i thought, i can live with complex and confused.

shall i get me a slave blog friends? its beging me

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!!! i tired on the most exquisitely crisp white shirt-dress today. I know it's only a shirt dress but it just beckoned as soon as i entered the shop.I felt a thrill run through me and i just had to rey it on! It had those snap buttons and when i tried it on i imagined someone just snapping it apart to get to...you get me?! just like in the movies. ooohhh:p

anyway, it seened too tight across the boobs when i tried to button it up until i realised they had pinned it at the back. heavens knows why, it wasn't on a mannequin at the shop window. It was down from £30 to £25. It fitted ok, but then i got paranoid and thought my thighs looked too big. I thought perhaps if it was an inch longer then it would look respectable. perhaps if i was wearing my stilleto sandals(the ones geezer calls "fuck me shoes") then i would get an idea of how i really looked.

For sure i wouln'd have to wear knickers or a thoong. i was wearing a thong today and it just looked wrong under the dress. My butt seemed ok, was a bit concerned about my curves. jeez, can you see how i was agonising over a stupid dress?. I ceratinly looked great. wish i had a second opinion though. so to err on the side of caution, i decided to go home, if it's still there tomorrow then i will try it on with my nice sandals and see the effect. Might try it with a different belt to the one it comes with. i haven't really been giving those dresses much attention and wondered if one had to be a complete beanpole to wear one, judging by the celebrities who have been snapped wearing different kinds in mags. But that one was nice. i will think about it. I think £25 is too much though, i mean it's not like it a huge name or anything, but then i saw one a few weeks ago at GAP for £45. I walked right along. i may be slightly mad but im not completely deranged. Are they meant to hug you a little? are they meant to be loose? someone help me I thought it was a tad short but not too tight. i think i should start jogging. i think im getting a complex

However, if i wore it with my dazzling sunglasses and my sandals, there would be a major car pile-up at every round-about and i swear girls would be pinching their men because they are looking elsewhere. i need to breathe and think hard....
later

NO dramas on my big day thank god. got lots of texts and emails and a few phone calls, so it went realtively ok. Old geezer rang to ask whether he should cook the dinner and i said yes. Hapless geezer rang to say he had a suprise for me at his penthouse. he wouldnt say what it was, sounded mysterious but i told him i was going to geezers and he could come too. he brought dates which he stressed were aphrodisiacs and a really nice wine. I brought along a little choc fudge cake and geezer had perpared some sumpsuous meal. i know it was beef, cant say what the sauce and herbs were but the whole thing was delicious. he'd also made some fruit salad(very healthy eating though he chainsmokes). he didnt smoke thank goodness coz i would have coughed my way thru the dinner. he actually didnt want to open the door for Hapless geezer at first. how mean!

So we consumed two bottles of wine had a nice chat and said goodnight really late. I had dressed in my new balck skirt which i had worn once before. Apparently dresses transform me. well the skirt is bug at the waist. it's size 8 but really six would have been perfect, so it literally has to sit just below my opubic bone resting near my bumcrack. well you almost think it's gonna fall off and it doent. I wore i nice top which revealed a bit of my back and just a little bit of my flat tummy. They were impressed. i was happy with the look.

got back home, wrote an entry in my diary which i have been neglecting, tried to tidy up my room which was an exercise in futility and then gave up.Drank more of the cough mixture which i had overdosed on earlier, then drank coffee coz i felt drowsy and thought iw as going into a coma

I now have 7 weeks to go before i have to hand in my dissertation the proposal of which has disappeared since my disk is fucked. im in a mess!! but i will survive. february was my hardest month so far this year and im still kicking so....

peace

FRIDAY started out ok, went to work as usual even thought i still felt shitty from my cold. it has now developed into a cough but never mind. One of my clients was turning 57 on Saturday(she was pissed off about growing older and i told her she looked better than Camilla. she does. that perked her up a bit and she'd been droning on for the past month about wanting to go out on friday. Our birthdays are two days apart and she wanted us to celebrate togerther. nice thought.I dashed off home after work, showered quickly changed and went all the way back to Richmond. I met her hairdresser Kevin who is the funiest guy i've met recently. God, the things we were talking about at the dinner!. men, sex, size and all sorts. i'd just met him but he was just like one of the girls. he is still searching for a man after being heart-broken recently by an Albanian bastard. I can relate. Not to the albaninian bit!

After the light dinner we went to pick up her son at the theatre,(very sexy guy, and 32yrs... and we all bundled into a cab with the son's friend to a club in Kingston. We had to accomodate Kevin who kept saying"he wants to go to a homosexual club" he is too scared straight people might attack him. it was a nice club, I was wearing sandals with high heels and they all wondered how i would dance in those. c'mon, obviously they didn't know i would wipe everyone off the dancefloor with my moves some young kid eventually came to me asked where i live and whether i was gay. I said to her "does it fucking matter?!" that seemed to excite her to a scream, when i said i was single(after she asked) i thought she was having an orgasm the way she went on!! we danced a bit, she rubbed herself close to me and i sorta frisked her copped a feel to her boob and then left her. she latched on someone else as horny as she and it all ended well.

The sexy client's son: christ since he is a dancer, he was making all kinds of moved on the dance floor. I held my own until some couple fell over and the girl literally landed on my leg. As i went down the son caught me and held on to me for a second longer than he shuld've i thought. i felt there were some vibes between us. When he eventually left at 1:30am"coz he was fucked since he'd been working manic hrs" i got a kiss(on the cheek mind you) and a nice tight hug.I was in heaven:p he's got the most beautiful blue/aquamarine eyes. aaah. Thank God i had decided to stay sober that evening. i might have done something. besides, im an employee, can't cross the line.

In the toilets, there was a couple of girls sucking each others faces off. I fail to comprehend why people would have an intimate moment in an area where others are shitting or peeing i just dont get it. I was knackered when we left. kevin didn't pull. he hadnt wanted to eat onions in case he had to snog he'd said. I told him i had mints

Was in bed by 2:30am, had to be up at 5:20. what a bitch. i snoozed for a coupla hrs.It was a good night out.

SATURDAY at 5:30 i was on a night bus to hammersmith to get to paddington to make my way home so i could go back to london bridge for work. Bloody hell, i was like a zombie, changed clothes quckily, splashed water on my face and dashed out again. i was half an hr late, which was a miracle. I thought of calling in sick(since i was) but then remembered i would have no money for rent. Fuck! the day went ok, was highly stressed and wanted it to just end. My nose was congested, people could hardly hear me and frankly i didnt want to talk. Was glad when the day ended. Then at 6:30pm whilst trying to decide what to cook for dinner(not that i had many options) old geezer rang me up and invited me for supper. Hadnt seen this man in more than a month. he didnt believe my tale about losing my phone, and i really wanted to sleep but i relented and said i would stay for a coupla hrs. he cooks well so why not..

My phone rang while i waited for the tube. I recognised the last four digits of that mumber. I don't know it all but the last 4 digits are embedded in my brain. It was that bastard deciever!! christ!!! I thought the mutherf***er was out of the country.I answered in my sweet voice said what a nice suprise it was to hear from him (not). first thing he asked was what i was up to. told him i was off to geezer's(they are friends and it bothers him that i go to geezer's. that whole male pride paranoia thing!) He said he's just got back and thought he'd ring and say hello. HELLO!!! whatever the fuck for?what did i do to deserve this torture? of course i started wondering if he rang bimbo and then all the others in the harem. what was his point in ringing me? as soon as he is out of my life or im out of his, he rings just to rattle me? i don't know. his grandma died. I was suitably sorry. He'd gone somewhere to east africa i think to make a documentary. he said africa was fantastic. whatever He asked where i lived now. why why,why?!! but i was calm and collected, outwardly at least and so we said goodbye i told him welcome back, nice of you to phone. the shit! Didnt mention it to geezer. geezer didnt say anything either. it's like we have a silent agreement not to mention him

The dinner at geezer's was nice. the other hapless geezer was being hapless as usual. poor thing has a crush on me and literally turns to jelly when im there. old geezer was saying some thing and Hapless felt geezer was being too raunchy and would make me blush. sweet. left later than i thought. 23:00. so 7hrs of sleep since friday. damn, i felt 19 again living la vida loca on that kibbutz

SUNDAY ended fine. met some friends for dinner. one is going away. she'd just cried with her dramaqueen friend who's going to florida. We pigged out, had an early drink for my birthay. talked shit. Got home at 23:00 again. saw milkboy was gone. will miss him a bit then at midnight i whispered happy birthday to myself). How did i feel? not sure. can't delve too much into the past. when you think you are thru with the past, the past isn't thru with you so best to leave well alone.for once though there wasn't drama on the eve so that was good.

Geezer is cooking me a birthday dinner today. he just rang so i will take my friend that im meant to have drinks with. should be fun. deciever is playing some mind game im not sure of.He doesn't know it's my birthday. just as well. reminds me of someone who's been playing
mindgames with me recently. i wont bite. but im still annoyed
anyway, i'll end on a happy note. i was born on this day and i'm grateful to be seeing another year on mother earth

Happy birthday to moi ...more later...