I havent eaten since 4pm yesterday. I can't. I have lost all my appetite for food and pretty much anything else.Milk boy was worried about me last night. He came up the stairs and called out my name. I was in the bath. He came again a while later and found me perusing a magazine. He asked if i was ok. I looked up and said "yes". He asked if i'd been crying. I said maybe. Then he wanted to talk(that whole comforting thing), i told him to please leave. of course my eyes were swollen and red. It was obvious i'd cried torrents.

It started at 7pm after i had just dished up for myself. I was quite proud to have cooked such a nice meal. It was still piping hot when my mobile rang. I was expecting the call. I was talking animatedly, had a whinge about my bitch of a day, laughed a little bit and then my voice began to deflate. Milk boy came into the kitchen to say he was going out for a while. The conversation was punctuated by long silences. The silences stretched even further. In those moments, my heart had just shattered into a million pieces.What can one say or do when that happens? I looked at my food, which was getting cold by the minute. I felt my appetite evaporate and knew i couldn't continue to eat(i hadnt even touched the food). Funny, considering how ravenous i was before then.

I said good night to the person on the other side. I think it sounded more like a squeak, for then i was trying to hold it together...whatever it took. I didn't have much success.However, I calmly put the food in a tupperware container and tucked it into the fridge.That's what baffled milkboy when he returned. I went up to run myself a bath, sat in the tub and proceeded to weep. Im not a crier normally, but I have been here before and perhaps it was right that i cleanse myself. I let the tears run freely down my face. I still could not bring myself to ingest anything after.Instead I tried to sleep but sleep eluded me.

This morning, five people asked me if i was ok. My friend(who got me this saturday job) said there was something wrong with me. I pride myself in being able to mask my pain but it seems im delusional. I carry it around like a yoke. It's on my face. Like a mask. It's in the way I speak. In the way I walk. In everything. I managed to get some tea down. still couldnt do food. I have a gaping wound in my chest where i feel pieces of my heart were ripped out. I can't scratch it. I can't bandage it. I have to live with it. Fuck knows how long.Perhaps i will be able to shift some pounds while not eating. i don't think i will do it for a long time. Pity about the stew milk boy has cooked for us today. I cant bear it. I didnt sleep last night. I doubt i will today.

Being unceremoniously dumped sucks. It sucks big time