I feel like shit. I have a cold. More like the flu. been inundated with remedies from clients and "know-it alls". cant smell anything i eat but i gorge on it anyway. my entire body aches and there is nothing i can do. cant take days off wokr(the suckers wont pay me if i do. Im now sounding very nasal with my congested nose. isnt that funny when you voice changes like that and people think they are speaking to someone else on the phone?

The worst seems to be over though. last night was a tad better than the previous two. didnt drench my sheets with cold sweat. i only woke up a couple of times so i must be on the mend. I got on the scales again today. If people removed scales from their bathrooms and bedrooms then i wouldnt have the inclination to step on them! Those things are mental liabilities i tell ya!

I have lost another two pounds even though i eat.that's 4 in 5 days. I know what's gnawing at me though. food can never fix matters of the heart. If i lose anymore i will be able to count my ribs and then my brother will faint. my cousin will worry her head off I shouldn't. on the plus side, it means i will be able to fit into all those summer dresses sprouting everywhere:D
I was thinking about cyanide today. i know it kills. i wonder how easy it is to get it and what someone who has ingested it actually looks like. No im not gonna buy it, only the good die young not interested in that one way trip yet

being sick ain't fun.could be going to a jazz concert today. although the smooth talker hadn't got hold of them by monday. just as well. i'd be coughing every two minutes annoying other people. Im just gonna lie in and read a book. tomorrow is another day

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional- for the moment i'm going with the option rather than the inevitable

There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.-yeah right!

A grudge is a heavy thing to carry-oh yesss!

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.-does that mean i should stop dreaming about my jaguar and spanish villa as well as 7 husbands?

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts- hope you're listening Dubya and Tony:P

Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay- well, pain,hurt, betrayal,confusion,frustration,anger and fear is real. So is laughter,happiness and personal growth.In my little world

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are- bollocks! we are judged on our reputaions long before people take time to discover our character. nice sentiment. a little misleading?

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.-True dat!

Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging- it's better than sweating at the gym as well

Yestrday i got home to find my big round mirror had shattered into tiny pices on the carpet. my assumption was it must have hit the radiator on the way down. but i felt it was a bad omen.
today while waiting for the tube, my compact mirror fell and this evening when i opened it, it had crcked inside.
now, does this mean 7yrs of bad luck or should i just get rid of mirrors? i just think it's a really bad sign to have two broken mirrors within 24hrs. maybe im being silly.

Since i posted something from a friend trying to explain the balance sheet of life, BJ(Blackjuan) asked about the fixed liabilities who are the morons who come into our lives. I hadnt thought about that, but now i have had ample time to mull that over.Some people lieterally tumble into our lives, others creep in, others knock on the invisible door. some of them are good, most are ok, a lot are bad. Those are the morons who will wreck your life and leave you floating in the sea of confusion, frustration and rage.

I sit sometimes and ask myself why I have ceratin people iin my life. How do they add to my life? do they enrich or just take take take? The worst is not being able to get rid of them. Sometimes it's circumstances, at other times they are like the bird flu virus. they just keep mutating and therefore become fixed liabilities.

Well when something or someone is a liability and not an asset, how do you drown them in the Thames without getting caught? how do you kick them to the curb without them thinking you are a bastard or a bitch? is it possible to do that?

Perhaps one should just say "you are a moron and therefore a ;liability not an asset. vacate my life and never look back"
that's the way to deal with it i think

From a friend...

Balance Sheet Of Life :

Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

bad combination.

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

24. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

I took the test coz someone on another blog had spoken about it.Check it out at www.personalitypathways.com//type_inventory2.html I thought the explanation below about my personality was very accurate:

Usually gentle and kind, they are intense and passionate about their values and deeply held beliefs, which they share with trusted friends. Because of their discreet manner, their enthusiasm may not be apparent. They are sensitive to others' pain, restlessness or general discomfort and strive to find happiness, balance and wholeness for themselves in order to help others find joy, satisfaction and plenitude. They are deeply empathetic.

They are usually tolerant and open-minded, insightful, flexible and understanding. They live for the understanding of others and feel deeply grateful when someone takes the time to get to know them personally. They have good listening skills, are genuinely concerned, insightful, and usually avid readers. At their best, they inspire others to be themselves.

so what personality type are you?

Thank fuck the weekend is over!I had 4 glasses of red wine last night and slept soundly for the first time in almost a month. Im still having panic attacks but they are slightly less strong. perhaps i'm on the mend? being in the pressure cooker really sucks.

Anyway, back to the high street: on my way to college today, i decided to deviate and pop into shops to do some eye shopping. Usually when stressed I shop.Used to be books, then underwear. with clothes im very careful. I guess im the female version of the male shopper. decide what i want(after doing the female thing of going everywhere then just get it. That is why i shop alone, i don't particularly relish the concept but i do heave a sigh of relief when i get what i want quickly. Or i try on clothes and feel a little better afterwards. I also analyse the trends and wonder how we all buy those crappy floral things that are out the the moment.will the gypsie look ever go?

I saw some nice black skirts in M&S thru the bus window at the weekend. I like their per una underwear but i'd like a nice skirt since i dont own any except for my summer minis.I also saw some dresses at ESPRIT but at £80 a pop they are having a laugh. not for those silly things I used to shock people everytime i wore a suit with a skirt to work, or if i went to church because then i'd have to wear a dress or a skirt. God, the duress of having to endure those. Once I actually wore a quilot(wrong spelling i think) but it's those trousers that are wide and could pass for a skirt if your eyes arent sharp. OOh, the gasps of horror!:b No one dared say anything to me. instead they were asking my cousin (who didnt live with me) why i wore trousers to church. she told them to ask me. Twas great being 15yrs and rebelling against church rules. Not even the priest or the church officials said anything. I told my mother i would answer for myself if there was an inquisition. sadly there wasnt:P.

But im trying to be feminine now let's see if the process won't send my blood pressure soaring again

I looked around this morning, then came to a primark. I know, it's cheap and their size8 never fits me. the cashier told me they don't stock size6 when i asked. Why not? I mean it's not their issue that i've lost weight but come on!! I saw some nice skirts, grabbed a couple:a white and a black one. Size8. they already looked too big to my eye but one can live in hope:P. I grabbed a nice-looking top from the 12-13yr old section. Don't tell anyone but a lot of the stuff in the children's section fit me perfectly. The white skirt hung low. I had to pull it down to just above my bum crack so it would stay on. I dont think my body shape is wrong...maybe it is but the way clothes are designed frustrates me.

The skirt, which was a bit flared and emphasised my hips(a no-no!) reminded me of a long white pencil skirt with a long slit at the back my cousin has. She has a stunning figure, legs all the way to her armpits, an ample bosom that leaves most men befuddled Some guy(who is married) once confessed to me he wants to bury himself in her cleavage, having said this to her right after her mom's funeral!. he is still waiting...so is his wife anyway, she wore the skirt in summer, it's very revealing and wore a thong that has a slogan at the front right on her umm...apple I believe it said "danger" or "pussy" or something. But one could read the wording thru the skirt as she swayed in her sandals in the heat. You can imagine most men were on heat and some women were getting flushes My jaw nearly dropped when i saw it. Alas, today's skirt would never work like that.

Then there was the black one. Not very good but not too bad. Im not so sure about the gypsy look. It refuses to go. I tried it on, had to pull it all the way down to just above my crotch. literally. that's how big the waist part is. unless they are making these things for people with love handles because they just don't sit where they are meant to for me. It hugged my booty nicely i thought, it's got lining inside which is a bit of a no-no(i have never belived in petticoats) but it was £4 so i bought it and so forfeit my lunch. Maybe i can get it nipped on the side? It's not bad but im not so sure about the length. mm, will keep it for 2 days and then take it back.The top was great but it came in pink. Im not into pink although im wearing pink knickers today. someone who is size 16 bought them by mistake and so asked if i would have them. nice and lacy and they feel comfortable. thought i'd try them out today although i prefer thongs. If you have ever worn a thong in summer in hyde park with a skirt, it's a funny feeling the breeze coming in and out and everyone not knowing. if you bend over they think you aren't wearing any should be getting more bed-linen instead. So anyone who knows a good place where i can dream of getting clothes that actually fit and do not look awkward I await your advice.Please:p

I looked at the body types today. ectomorph, mesomorph and endomorph. In otherwords, hourglass, athletic and pearshaped. I fall betwen athletic and hourglass i think. nobody is just the one type although one type tends to dominate. i wonder if designers really look into this when they design their clothes and designate sizes? It's bloody ridiculous.

My hair looks shit. time for a new hairstyle. I have thought of going bald. it's not a bad look. I almost did it 3 yrs ago when my mother was going thru chemo. I thought i would show my solidarity with her losing her hair by shaing my head. Well i chickened out as i don't think my head is that well-shaped:P but i could try it now. weird, i know but nobody would care would they? and the rampant geezers might just get off my case finally

Some bastard stole my phone today! That happened because some mental loony(tautology i know) little shit at work had a go at me,and i lost it and walked out. Basically he was treating me like an ididot, so i calmy told him not to talk to me like that but because i gesticulate a lot when i speak he felt i was giving him attitude. This is someone with serious mental problems, on medication yet he apparently smokes weed and drinks every day. The mind boggles!!! So I erupted and went on about how I get fucking shouted at in that place day in and day out and i wont take it anymore. I can't believe i went off like that. I wasn't shouting per se, but everyone was quiet and i was talking in a clear voice. well i did say "this fucking place"

They were all stunned. but when he persisted and i felt my voice wobble i walked out. I went to the disabled bathroom (the irony) and sat down. I think i was in there for 2 mins but i might have left my phone there. Fuck knows. he was still talking about me when i came back and i tried to explain to him why i objected to the way he spoke to me. He was beyond listening, told me if i don't want him to talk to me he won't. i had told him i didn't want him talking when he did(before i walked out). So i just left him, discovered my phone was missing, looked all over the place and it was gone. Then, someone else ticked him off and he walked out. For the day!! i didnt realise until the manager said he'd gone.

i felt sorry for him and they called me a big softie for feeling sorry for him. apparently he bullies people all the time and standing up to him was a good thing. he still has mental problem. they are gonna sack him. i can't blame myself he's been on warnings apparently but i wish he hadnt walked out or i had just let it go. but i have accepted being bullied and initmidated for too long. im not a victim and shouldn't act like one! Still....

It really ticked me off because only a couple of weeks ago i went all the way down to Richmond to give a couple a phone they'd forgotten on the bus.So why should some bastard or bitch steal my phone and not hand it in? It's so bloody unfair For every good person there's three rotten ones out there and i don't think im being cynical. i mean i rang it and it went to voicemail. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! What a day.

I had to go and report and and get another one. i've only had it for 3 bloody months. no bank card or anything on me so i had to rush off home and go back to Virgin in Picadilly.

Well, it got a bit better there. the guy who served me was the cutie from 3 months ago:D yes, you will remember how i went on about his delicious lips except they were a little chapped or dry at the time. today they were well lip-balmed So i told him i'd come to report my phone, he pretended to remember me when i said i had reported another phone to him just 3 months back. maybe he did remember. In my limited experience with men, i have learned to take everything they say with a pinch of salt now. It's for my own good.

We chatted, our heads were almost touching and he was sympathetic and all.aaaah At the end he wrote down his name and said i could call him anytime. halleluyah!! I think i need to get a contract with insurance. although i have been dissuaded by some people. but i spend almost the same as a contract so i dunno.

Then i went off to leicester Square so i could walk down to Covent Garden. Got lost, got my shit together and went the right way. Didnt find what i was searching for(like i knew) so it was a case of walking to clear my head. Thought of finding a tesco to buy a red wine to gulp down. Voila, like magic, it appeared in front of me. The gods must have been guiding me. So i got it and went to catch the tube. i realise i will drink on an empty stomach (i still can't eat and worryingly i my body seems to be getting used to it) Well I got a banana down early this morning. tried a sandwich for lunch, nibbled once and threw it out. I have had 3 teas and a coffee though. My colleague who's been on holiday said i looked like i lost weight. my ass looked smaller she said. Well the jeans im wearing today are hanging, but im nowhere near looking emanciated so no admonitions.

Should I start worrying though? I mean if i couldn't eat last week because of the minor traumas i had suffered, shouldnt i be ok now? ive never not eaten. i went into shops in covent garden and looked at boots. saw a pair that reminded me of one i own. One of my cousins called them "prostitute boots". turned out to be true because some bimbo(wearing a similar pair) tried to solicit him once whilst myself and another cousin were in his car I mean here is a guy with two women in his car and you are showing him your dirty thigh. honestly!!.

Well, im far away from those now, im about to have a coupla glasses and bath and sleep. it's been a long day, im glad it's ended

I am particularly interested in this word because i think i am experienceing what it defines. I wondered if it fell under the category of nervosa? I wanted to write about nerves, then i thought of nervosa. I typed nervosa in Google and all that came up with was bulimia and anorexia. I wanted the specific meaning of the word "nervosa".I know it's a condition. don't ask why, i'm in one of those states where my unquenchable mind is looking for answers. I do not have bulimia or anorexia but i want to know what nervosa means. Someone help me out please.

The anxiety: A year and half ago I started getting anxiety attacks. It was a combination of finally admitting grief over losing my mother and the circumstances under which she expired (I'd been on autopilot for5 months after), embarking on a stressful relationship and being financially messed up for the first time in my life really. I lost the plot somewhere. Ok, I couldn't have done anything about mother dying. I could have killed the Drs and nurses who murdered her but I was sweetly adviced to let it go and move on. That enranged me.

So i would see the bastard who mentally and emotionally abused me and lie in my bed berating myself for asscociating with someone who was clearly not good for me and then my heart beat would go into overdrive. I would literally hear it banging away and will it to be still. it went on and on.Then i would think about my mother's last 36hrs, everyone telling me she would pull thru now that i was there(while i was mentally planning her funeral coz i knew) and i I would literally gasp for breaths.

Eventually I worked out the triggers for my anxiety. Everyone has little triggers I think, that start off negative behaviopur or symptoms. It maybe trust issues(as with Deceiver), self-loathing for whatever reason, low self-esteem, anger anything. Then you purge yourself of your dinner as in a bulimic or starve yourself even more. Or in other case like mine you just go around feeling a huge lump in your chest which shouldn't be there and erratic heartbeats. You can't really shift it(the lump) although a shift in the mental approach helps somewhat.

Of course there's my studies, my financial situation, my living space and many other things. I think i can pin-point what has started all this shit again and it's awful. I joke about hospitals needing people but i almost spent christmas in there once. The body shuts down and goes into free fall and anything can get you into hospital. In my case it was a mild case of sore throat which complicated into tonsilitis in a few days which resulted in me being unable to open my mouth or indeed breath. The male nurse put a suppository up my ass for pain the morphine variety i think. That is why i'm not afraid of needles or doctors or whatever. they have seen it all and probed and prodded me so many times. He was cute though the nurse

Anxiety isn't good. I want it to stop. It's unhealthy and it's an unnecessary evil. But hey, I haven't mentioned the thames and london bridge in a while have I? After the dumping episode last week someone asked me if I was stocking up on paracetamol when i said i was at Superdrug. I laughed and said i wasn't deranged. I should have said"what a brilliant idea, lemme run back to the isle and get 4 boxes. nah, i wouldn't do that. Come on i just need to breath better and reorganise my thoughts. What triggered off this post? I read an entry from October 2005 in my diary yesterday. Will post it tomorrow...maybe

When is the appropriate age for developing wisdom teeth? And when must one give up on them never developing? Amongst my trials and tribulations these days, I am sprouting a wisdom tooth. Upper left jaw. I think when i was 18 or maybe 22yrs my dentist(who traumatised me last year by sawing off part of my front teeth because he felt they were too long after i chipped one after a drunken night out) told me i would never develop wisdom teeth as there wasn't enough space in my mouth. Last year i went through a period where i felt my teeth were moving. It was really strange, i noticed one was almost moving out of position. Suddenly that stopped.

The other day whilst flossing i discovered half a tooth if you can say so. I don't know how or when it came out but it's there. Im wondering if the others will come out. I wonder if i ould have to have them removed. Most people seem to remove them as soon as they are out as they seem to interfere with everything else that's there already.

To make matters worse, i was yawning the whole day at work today. The woman i had to see has been a bit depressed(man issues that i know fully about). She'd had a shit weekend, i'd had a shit weekend but she was brighter in mood than i was. I realised i hadn't slept again last night. It was rather fitful, waking up every 45mins literally. I also feel like i'm on adrenalin. That flight or fight thing except im paralysed. That used to cause me palpitations last year as I recall now i think i might start getting them. Not looking good for me. I told her i don't want to discuss it, she asked about my dissertation and then i wanted to scream. Everything is in freefall but what the heck. The hospitals need people don't they

I gonna monitor my teeth and see if I will be wiser for developing wisdom teeth so late in life!

Since I still felt a bit shitty yesterday, i decided to leave college early and go to the Lost properties office of the London Underground. Some of you might recall I forgot some stuff on the tube a few weeks ago and filled out a lost properties form. Gloves, scissors, bags..stuff.

I didn't really hold my breath but 2 weeks ago I recieved a postcard saying they might have my things and I should contact the office etc.So I went in yesterday. The guy at the counter looked at me and asked me if i was there to pick up hair extensions. Huh?! Was that all that was left off my gloves, notebooks and the rest? Apparently that's all that was left. and there was a £4 charge. I looked at the guy and mumbled" you must be joking!", i might have rolled my eyes sideways as well. Is that possible? to roll eyes sideways i mean

He told me to wait on the other side of the room and then a lady came to finish the whole process. I then told her i don't want the extensions, expensive or not. I was wondering whether someone on the tube did a "finders keepers" thing and took out what they wanted and then handed in the rest, or whether it was the tube staff. what am i meant to think. So i said i didn't want them, but then i threw a £10 bill on the counter and told her to take waht she needs to. The dangers of being emotionally precarious,you don't give a shit, and you act irrationally sometimes. I think she felt sorry for me. she said she could see if the charges could be reduced to £1. That seemed more realistic. I brightened up a bit

So in the end i paid £1.but im wondering how many people actually get all of the things they've lost back. What happens between your briefcase or tote bag or documents or gloves and clothes hurtling along the tube to them being handed in at the lost properties office?

This just proved to me you can't really trust people as far as u can throw them. but that is a gross generalisation. There are unscrupulous people out there as well as honest people.
So I went home, feeling rather dejected. Nibbled on some left-overs and tried to sleep. i closed my eyes for an hour. Milk boy came as i woke up and said I looked exhausted. I think that meant "you look ugly". I don't look like a proper princess when i wake up I guess being sleep deprived for three days wouldnt help the effect. Oh well...

This morning i saw a girl with half her bum out of her jeans. It's one thing to wear super-low rise jeans but when We have to see your entire bum??? I nearly wretched. sorry it wasn't pretty I think there should be a law against. I know i shocked some guy at work a few weeks ago when i bent over and he saw a tiny weeny bit. apparently he blanched but he couldnt tear his eyes away i tore mine away from the monstrosity i saw this morning.

I guess tomorrow is another day

Found this little gem:

Give yourself a hug when you feel unloved
Give yourself a hug when people put on airs to make you feel a bug
Give yourself a hug when everyone seems to give you a cold-shoulder shrug
Give yourself a hug- a big big hug

And keep on singing 'Only one in a million like me
Only one in a million-billion,thrillion-zillion like me.'

I havent eaten since 4pm yesterday. I can't. I have lost all my appetite for food and pretty much anything else.Milk boy was worried about me last night. He came up the stairs and called out my name. I was in the bath. He came again a while later and found me perusing a magazine. He asked if i was ok. I looked up and said "yes". He asked if i'd been crying. I said maybe. Then he wanted to talk(that whole comforting thing), i told him to please leave. of course my eyes were swollen and red. It was obvious i'd cried torrents.

It started at 7pm after i had just dished up for myself. I was quite proud to have cooked such a nice meal. It was still piping hot when my mobile rang. I was expecting the call. I was talking animatedly, had a whinge about my bitch of a day, laughed a little bit and then my voice began to deflate. Milk boy came into the kitchen to say he was going out for a while. The conversation was punctuated by long silences. The silences stretched even further. In those moments, my heart had just shattered into a million pieces.What can one say or do when that happens? I looked at my food, which was getting cold by the minute. I felt my appetite evaporate and knew i couldn't continue to eat(i hadnt even touched the food). Funny, considering how ravenous i was before then.

I said good night to the person on the other side. I think it sounded more like a squeak, for then i was trying to hold it together...whatever it took. I didn't have much success.However, I calmly put the food in a tupperware container and tucked it into the fridge.That's what baffled milkboy when he returned. I went up to run myself a bath, sat in the tub and proceeded to weep. Im not a crier normally, but I have been here before and perhaps it was right that i cleanse myself. I let the tears run freely down my face. I still could not bring myself to ingest anything after.Instead I tried to sleep but sleep eluded me.

This morning, five people asked me if i was ok. My friend(who got me this saturday job) said there was something wrong with me. I pride myself in being able to mask my pain but it seems im delusional. I carry it around like a yoke. It's on my face. Like a mask. It's in the way I speak. In the way I walk. In everything. I managed to get some tea down. still couldnt do food. I have a gaping wound in my chest where i feel pieces of my heart were ripped out. I can't scratch it. I can't bandage it. I have to live with it. Fuck knows how long.Perhaps i will be able to shift some pounds while not eating. i don't think i will do it for a long time. Pity about the stew milk boy has cooked for us today. I cant bear it. I didnt sleep last night. I doubt i will today.

Being unceremoniously dumped sucks. It sucks big time

A few weeks ago I went into Ann summers on Oxford street, then ducked out to Harmony(as if there is anything harmonious in that place. I guess it was just one of those days when I wanted to check and see if anything new had come into the market, to see if the toys for women are still as horrendously loud as they are. And perhaps to discover the reasons why. I like the way they have all or most of the vibrating ones on a stand and you can buzz them away(on your hand or boobs if you are braver). The sales consultant that day was a very energetic young man. I had seen the "lipstick" in adverts but wanted to check it out and see if it really looked like a lipstick. The guy immediately dissuaded me from buying it. Said it was just a gimmick really.Didnt have much of a bizz although this guy seemed to be high on something. He was nice though, i quizzed him about a few things/. I like to see if they know their products and how well.

Apparently to test out how powerful or effective any one of those vibrating mechanisms is you have to put it on the tip of your nose and let it buzz away. The more effective it, the more sensitive your nose will will feel and you will automatically pull away ...like i did with most.Maybe im just sensitive.

Then there were tongues. Christ! Im sure you guys know about them but indulge me anyway. The first one was a reddish plasticky thing and it had moisture(ie saliva) so as it buzzed away on my wrist, i was rather getting a nice buzz myself. On the wrist. But it was just too strange. One would have to use that in the dark. There was another that actually looked like a real tongue. Pink, too real, very loud and the way it licked my palm....:D:D

It had three different settings. If it didnt look so real(you'd have to wonder whose tongue it was wouldnt you?) i might have been tempted into purchasing it. But they are so bloody loud these things. Does anyone know the reason why? Butt plugs didnt make that much noise. Is it a case of making women feel even more embarassed for using toys and then using really loud ones? I think someone should design toys that aren't so loud and can do the job effectively for those who use toys. Kinda like mattress. You dont want want that squeaks when you are squealing yourself do ya? It's just too weird. Deciever's old bed was like that. I almost burst out laughing one time, thinking about the noise of the bed. I guess if i was thinking about the bed noise, he cant have been doing much by the way of keeping my attention could he:b

Anyway,last night i went to the shop with milk boy to buy a bottle of coke. I had just come in consuming a huge packet of chips, he was cooking Irish stew and actually had the gall to ask if i would eat with him. I WAS EATING CHIPS AND QUITE FULL! There is being curvy and then there is looking like a beached whale if you dont take care.I have to take care. WE started talking about his bathroom routine(dont ask why) and he said he shaved everything! Huh?? I said "pardon?" he confirmed that he shaved everything. I asked if by "everything" he meant his private parts cos he hardly has hair on his face. there is nothing to shave there. Apparently he does, especially in summer but we arent in summer yet are we. I could imagine it, and I was horrified! Can males tell me why they would need to shave their pubic area? I told milkboy about a friend who says he shaves his balls, because if he had a woman who liked sucking those balls then they might taste nicer, sans the hair. No,milkyboy he shaves all plus armpits . I wonder if he does the legs Interesting. I dont know what that could do for a guy, I can imnagine the fresh air and feeling your lips and everything else as a woman.for a guy, just too weird for moi

anyway, to each their own. Juast silence those toys and give us some dignity huh?!

How important are birthdays? I was my brother's birthday yesterday. I didn't ring to wish him happy birthday. It's not that i didn't want to for i do it religiously every year. There are circumstances at the moment that made it impossible. Before you think it, NO, we arent fighting.

I sent a cousin a text after she sent one very early in the morning telling about some kid who was hit by a car in the face while they(my cousin and the kid's parents were at another adult's birthday).The text was to let her know my brother is becoming a geezer although that isn't strictly true since he is only in his mid-30's! she was shocked and asked me if his birthday isn't on the 17March. Now that took me by suprise. Since when was he born on the 17th? where did she get that idea, i asked her. I mean we have had many celebrations and at one point it was a 3-way celebration with my aunt and an uncle(mom's cousin) who all shared a birthday on the same day.

My aunt is dearly departed but she was high profile in her community and so lots of people were invited to the do and lots of food cooked, which my brother as a chef had to supervise before donning a tie and jacket to sit at the table. I was in america at the time, i think. The next big birthday, which would be my aunt's alone but with everyone else invited, including strays and whatever else, WE fucked up! I mean my aunt's son, therefore my cousin, my mother, myself, a family friend and my little nephew fucked it up by being in a car-crash resulting in the friend dying, me in intensive care, mother in some ward, cousin with a sprained ankle and little nephew having his spleen removed. It was 3 days before the big day. There was no way the party could go ahead after the friend died and with me in intensive care and some people apparently pronouncing me dead or critical without limbs

That was actually funny to hear when i eventually got out two weeks later bent out of shape. One nurse actually had the gall to say they had to panel-beat me when i came round. You can imagine the shock when i saw X-rays. I needed oxygen really.

Anyway, i digress.I could not understand why such a significant date would elude my cousin yesterday. To be fair, i sometimes get confused with her birthday. It's in November but i am never sure whether it's the 3rd or the 4th. Usually i ask in advance so i can make the call or send a text or whatever. It's just easier these days and gone are the days in my family where we sat around with a huge cake and sang and drank and stayed merry. When the parents and adults go and you have to grow up(even though you are grown up, it somehow takes out the pleasure).

Personally i don't make a big deal of my birthday. I don't even tell people it's my birthday and then i feel slightly disappointed when they dont say anything to acknowledge the day. It's very silly I know. I think it stems from when i was in boarding school and was terrified with tales of being a teenager. as soon as I hit 13yrs I thought my life would be over, and it didnt help that i was suddenly changning from a tomboy(with some boobs compared to some friends) to sprouting curves all over the place. 14 was ok, my mom arranged for someone to deliver a massive cake and little party packs for my classmates. so we had that at school during lessons and then another celebration in the dorm after lunch or before tea in the afternoon. whichever. I invited almost everyone in the dorm and i think the cake lasted for two days. It was great

Why am i talking about this? I am just now wondering if my brother was disappointed that i didn't ring him to wish him happy birthday. Nobody seems to keep track of birthdays these days but my cosuin is quite steadfast when it comes to me. She knows the last three have been dramatic and always says she hope this one is better. last year was definitely better. I wonder if i should have a party like people go out to elaborate dinners. Maybe i should reflect? but that is so boring maybe i will don a tiny weeny skirt and go paint the town red, safely of course:p I hope April will be warmer otherwise there goes this idea.

What is the big deal with birthdays? I dont think they should matter so much but i would rather remember those than death anniversaries, which some people seem to hold very dear and remember like they would a verse from quoran or the Lord's prayer.

So happy birthday to my brother and my aunt who made me laugh while she was still here and my uncle who continues to live and try to inspire people.

I shouldn't forget it's another cousin's birthday on the 8th. better send a text or email. That should be enough

Time: 17:50. Place: baker street. Date:Staurday 4 March...today. a young man sauntered towards me and whipped out his travelcard. it was a zone1-4 one. he asked me where that ticket would take him. i told him it would take him to any area within zone one and four. he looked perplexed. There was no tube map as i was waiting for my tube home, having just spent the day with the cold manager(who is thawing gradually, and a friend of mine who got me the job. we were slaves to the public today!)

The train came, i let it go so i could explain some more to this chap. He had a tube map, i showed him the areas he could go to with his ticket. It turned out he stays in a hostel in Bristol and just came down to London to see ifthere are part-time jobs. His words not mine. I didn't see that one coming. On top of that, he lost his return ticket to Bristol yesterday, slept in the station and went to the police this morning to ask for help. They looked at his passport and told him they can't help because he can't get on benefits. back to square one for him. He moaned about being hungry and not having eaten since last night.His eyes were watering already.I automatically started searching the pockets of my coat looking for wahtever would come out. A paltry pound and a few other coins was all i had. I gave it all to him, told him he could get a sandwich for 99p at mcDonalds. (they are shutting down some stores in the Uk but McD still has her uses

A very strange thing indeed. he said he has been in the country for two weeks. Obviously he wasn't very well-prepared coming here. Not that anyone can truly prepare for London. He is doing a Masters Degree in Bristol, paid with all his savings from his country. he has no family here and lives in a hostel in Bristol. My mind was all over the place. I thought of taking him honme and cooking for him, but i had to think of milk boy and the other girl. besides that would mean taking responsibility for his sleeping arrangements. I still feel I could have done more for him than just give him money for food. i told him i was sorry not to be able to help.Christ, you would think someone coming here to study would be better prepared. he is from Zimbabwe. He seemed genuine enough but still...

The police wrote on his ticket that he needs £15.50 to get a coach back to Bristol. He claims he has money there and was asking how he could give me my money back. how pathetic. i felt sorry for him, i know what it's like to be stranded and i hope he gets sorted. I wonder if he was running away from Mugabe. I could delve too deep so i said goodbye and caught the next train. Hey, i get all sorts don't I?

On a lighetr note: yesterday was R's birthday. we were meeting for coffee officially. waterstones on Picadilly. The bar has a nice skyline view of London. he arrived late and very tipsy. he'd been to a Birthday lunch. I was funny watching him like that knowing im probably like that on the occasions we go out and have bubbly. He drank vodka espressos, which were wuite good. I had a glass of red wine(at his persuasion) and a cocktail which wasn't very good. We shared a meat platter but since spittle flies all over when he talks sometimes, it was hard for me

He wanted to hang out some more and made fun of the fact that i work weekend and said i dont have to be a nun(if only he knew im just his nun that's all

I wasnt eager to go elsewhere. the west end is always full on friday's. I found out his real age as well. he slipped up and forgot what he had said when we first met him with my friend. he was mortified. i told him it was ok but it was funny. he took me to the tube, size nine rang and i told him i was leaving the bar with R. R was chuiffed that i actually talk about him and someone knows about him. he still hasnt got it. He will eventually. but it was a pleasant evening.

Today was ok. cold manager made an ass of herself the whole day. wrong orders, wrong this. wrong that. my friend and i worked together for the first time and it went like clock-work. she was very helpful and made sure i didnt make what the manager could consider mistakes. so i was relaxed. tahnkfully i will work with her a couple of hrs only tomorrw, but i think the anxiety is almost gone for good

My other issues refuse to rest. there is always something. landbitch might get eveicted !! talk about Karma she is trying to be my friend coz the others just tell her off fun ! fun! fun!
Assignment is done, dissertation needs attention. I might just srape thru at this point.

Later