Im really glad this year is almost gone although in Australia and new Zealnd it is probably 2006 now. Bizarre times we live in. I would not trade the past two weeks for anything because they seem to have been the most exciting socially, in a year where i wondered if i had become a hermit.

I have endured more shit than i cared to, I started blogging coz i was losing my mind and my fighting spirit was ebbing away. But i am a fighting ram naturally and so i have crept uo from the bottomless pit called depression, self-pity and whaetver this precarious life dared to throw at me. It has been difficult, from seeing psychics, to being told im a psychic myself to being homelss and finding a place to live...albeit with a new set of problems. I have been penniless, continue to be and have discovered there are guardian angels out there in many forms.I acknowledge that, even though im a skeptic.

I discovered a world of blogging, "met" and met some wonderful, strange, funny, irritating, caring, compassionate and crazy people. what a wonderful world. What a year! I missed my mother but wasnt as gutted as I was 12months ago, perhaps time does heal some wounds.

naturally im determined to make 2006 a better year for myself. financially, socially mentally and everything else that ends with "ally" so as i bid this odd numbered year adieu, I welcome an even year with some apprehension but a lot more anticipations.

So long 2005! brace yourself 2006 coz the Princess is ready and waiting

cheers

im sure you guys are tiring of hearing about the geezer sagas but last night something funny happened.

Right: I had supper with old geezer's friend on X-mas eve, he thought i shouldnt be alone and since i had no place i though it would be nice. on the phone he said i could stay over and have lunch with him the following day, i made it clear i was cinderella and would turn into a pumpkin at midnite they dont give up these people.

The food was great, some kind of lamb stew with rice, some mulled wine from sainsburys, which he enhanced with more cinnamon an cloves while i was warming it up. we had a great conbversation laughed a lot and hell almost broke loose when i annoucned i had to go at 11:20pm. he kept asking if i was sure i wanted to do that and that he had ordered a special bird(which he took out of the fridge) and that he couldnt eat it by himslef. Now did this clever but deluded man think i was gonna sleep in his bed, spend xmas with him and them go? I know him, we always talk and to my knowledge i have never indicated that i want him. so has a little crush on me.

To make matters worse, he went to see old geezer yesterday to find out more about me and to make sure that he wouldnt be encroaching on geezer's territory if he started prusuing me. I know this because old geezer rang me and he was laughing his head off the guy went on about how fit i am and geezer wouldnt say everything else. he said it was bloke talk but he opened his eyes to some things he didnt really notice.

He put the blame on me, saying i do things to men without even realing it.Now i have resolved to stop being friendly and ceratinly not speak to geezers. But i feel sorry for that guy, i mean how wrong can you get it? the problem is they are so used to getting their way with young women that they think we are all the same. This time they are barking up the wrong tree. Geezer said he told him we are just friends but the other guy was concerned about a conversation we all had at old geezers place where i said i dont want children or to get married! he fails to comprehend how i cannot want that and he was trying to convince me otherwise. of course geezer kept saying, im marrying him so the issue of kids has nothing to do with anyone else. it was a joke but his friend takes things a tad seriously.

Now old geezer rang around lunch time today for me to come and eat. i was working, i said no. Is there no end to this? R is coming back this week from his mom's. he will ring. Oh, dear where will i hide:p

it's ceratinly been a fun festive week. but i will need to reasses my personality i suppose
anyway, i told the angency i need to stop, this weekend is my last, will start coffee the following week. things are falling into place although i need to borrow money from a friend for the deposit on a place. better than going into overdraft at this stage. will see if he agrees. he laughed at me the last time we talked, forgting i was there for him when hed only known me for two days and all his friends deserted him in times of crisis. Friend
cheerio

It turned out to be a rather nice...no splendid christmas. I thought i was going to be alone and eat a little sandwich but i spent it with six other people, i cooked the food, they ate it and they are still alive Im so chuffed about it.

Basically my roommate decided to go to Oxfordshire (only told me on the saturday as I was trying to work out the key logistics), the friend whose house i was supposed to spend christmas at couldnt make up her mind, and the other flatmate decided she was going to stay. Her boyfriend was coming down from manchester and her brother's pregnant girlfriend was coming as well. I didnt tell my roommate about this. relations between them are completely frozen now and i wont be caught in the middle like im a little gossip. anyway, roommate left me with the key, another roomie said we should pool money together and buy food.

When i left for work on saturday she was still in bed with boyfriend so i decided i would buy myself a little meal and just eat alone. however while i was doing my shopping i called her up and asked her if she wanted me to bring anything. I bought the usual: brussel sprouts, baby potatoes, then found this nice stuffed pork shoulder at Waitrose and thought"that's the roast done". got two bottles of wine, some tomoatoes on vine some cranberry juice and i was ready to go.

I told her they could share with me, so she went to the shops late, they were closed of course she couldnt find meat but then she invited three friends who were gonna bring a bit of trurkey, they also brought parsnips and brussel sprouts. They were all south african, i roasted everything(i dont cook too much but when i try it's very good i wanted the sprouts and parsnips and told them they might as well have them(they werent too keen!) i mean, it is christmas. If we had bacon i would have drizzled them with it like i saw some somerfields recipe! I made the mistake of having a bath whilst waiting for their turkey and found they had over boiled the sprouts. oh well, too many cook and all that!

We eventually had the lunch and 4:45pm! we were all starving. the meat was done but not too perfect(well if you bring a bit of turkey to be roasted for 2hrs at 2pm what do u expect?). there was no exchanging presents(although i had got my roommate a card. gotta keep the peace. The bitch never said thanks although its proudly displayed with the rest she got. Mooody, moody, moody!!

So we all tucked in, we listened to music and watched DVDs. the flatmate's boyfriend is a DJ so we were seeing action from his gigs. suddenly he pointed at one girl on screen and said" Thats the victim!" we all asked what that was about. it turns out that was the girl who was happy slapped by his girlfriend!! of course i pretended not to know about the incident even though my rommmate had filled me in on her version. she refused to tell us the story but eventually relented and said that girl was upsetting her. it was funny though how they boyfriend kept pointing her out. we all agreed we would stay away fron her. they said she had just given her a "warning shot" nothing major

i was drinking the wine with her boyfriend, the one guy had brought a case of heinekens and said he wouldnt leave till they were finished. the rest of them were drinking Jack Daniels with coke. Having had sprouts people were gonna pass wind werent they?? and this one girl had the nerve to ask who farted at one point! she is a medical Dr and I guess she would smell noxious gases faster than anyone else. I wasnt about to confess we all denied it

we listened to some cool music, the Dj intimidated us into not dancing by criticising some of the girl's on the video but in the end i said" sod you to hell!im getting up and dancing and if you dont want a warning shot you will zip it." so i had fun. i didnt know these people but we chatted away, had a few laughs, they left at 3:30am. The guy had three beers left which he took with. The medical doctor was driving and so she stuck to the alcohol limit.

I was up early on boxing day, went down to clean up the mess in the kitchen, had some left overs and went down to oxford street in the afternoon where some poor lads had been dragged by girlfriends to the winter sales. the stuff i saw was garish. remnants from summer which i couldnt afford and could do without! I went into a couple of shops, then Dixons to look at digicams and left. I assumed roommate wasnt coming back coz we'd agreed she'd call to let me know she is on the way since i had the key.she decided to call at 9pm while she was outside. you could feel the temperature drop in the room as soon as i annoucned she was coming. her friend came into the living room to say hello and chitchatter. SHE o the other hand,just poked her head in, mumbled hello went upstairs and came back down this morning. i asked her about her time in oxford and made small talk this morning, but god, how long can this go on for?

Drank some more yesterday and today. I went out to a birthday lunch in sheperd's bush today, cheap chinese restaurant in some shopping centre, we just came back from the pub. i had a pint and a half. I will seriously need to detoxify. I think i paced myself well though so no hangovers and shattered livers. although a couple of people have said i look tired or fed up. translate that into: you look ugly well whatever. i do need to drink water and feel fresher.

So tomorrow it's back to the grind. I can start the coffee job on the 7th but i will try for the following wek coz i have to fuck off the agency properly. there is also the matter of rent and other shit which i wont go into right now. Im glad xmas is over, there was so much hype, but it was a nice holiday, no regrets.

hope you all had a good one!

I found out the reason why my boobs are bigger: I have gained 3kg. unles the fucking scale was lying to me. doubt it though. so if i lose it(and it has gone straight to my bum) so goes my melons. Drat!! life is not fair.

Had another date with R on wednesday. coz he said i shpuld come to his. coz i refused. he was abit touchy feeling. i was kinda warming up to it. on the tube he kissed me. i kissed him back. not a real snog, which makes you wonder about...you know. anyway, fair enough. he is fucking off to his mum's for the festivities.

had a proper snog on thursday.No it wasnt R.. aah life isnt so bad.
coz roommate had to spoil everything this morning. her friend is calling her a bitch. there will be a meeting this evening. that's to do with her not wanting to pay full rent. she told her landlady but not flatmate. she has calculated everything already. how bad is that?! so headache after a nice day.

i suppose i should do the so-called xmas shoping. that means getting food for one. my friend who said we should come to her house is dithering and i dont need to be messed about. so i wll get a coupla things, some wine or whatever and chill...might have to leave the flat the way things are going.

everyone on blog seems to be getting into the spirit of things wishing all and sundry merry chritmas. well merry chritmas to you all. im gonna go listen to the carols in trafalgar sqaure this evening. then my dutites for this period will be done!

have a great 2006!! and may all your blogs grow from strenght to strength.

cheers

It seems like im getting more appointments than i can deal with this week. First old geezer rang last night asking where i was. I was supposed to go there, decided not to,my phone died and as soon as i put it on charger his voice message came on. apparently i was to be the guest of honour and everyone there was awaiting my arrival before they tucked into one of his tantalising meals. Shit, i went, enjoyed the food(he olways makes me dish up). Of course i was the only lady there. one of his friends, a much older geezer who moaned about his father having disinherited him millions because he chose music even after doing college assumed I was geezer's girl. geezer kept saying i was. another youngish geezer was a bit jealous. He said i was popular and modest and invited me to his for christmas lunch(if i wasnt doing anything). I think thatw as to try and get to geezer, but geezer is a smooth criminal.

Anyway, the disinherited musician(he must be in his 60s) played the blues on his guitar and sang a bit. I felt sorry for him, he tsill sounds emotional about being dissed although he said his sister gives him money every month. the father must be dead thank god!

On my way there R my date from last week tuesday called to say he would like to see me again before going to his mother's in the countryside for x-mas. it is apparently always an ordeal but something he has to endure since the father dearly departed this world. I fail to understand why a lot of people "endure" their families who make them unhappy at a time when they should all be jolly. Ironic isnt it? like rain on your wedding day so said alanis "mad" morrisette

Anyway, he didnt want to meet at liverpool street which is good coz that's so close to his home. I had to tick off all the APs I had, we settled on Wednesday,(shit that's tomorrow). I dont know where we will meet. I dont want to be spending horrendous amounts on my credit card and i dont want him paying for everything. It kind of makes him feel justified in asking me back to his. I would have preferred meeting in the late afternoon, so perhaps we will talk about it later today. As long as it doesnt drag on. we will have to sort out stuff once and for all tomorrow. Ive had quite a bit of alcohol in the last few days actually. I glass of wine here, half a pint there. It must stop before too much damage is done

Im supposed to meet a boy today, gosh we have been texting and we just cant seem to meet. A friend i met thru a friend I was startled when he sent an email calling me darling, and now he starts all the texts with "Princess baby...". he is working, might finish early. whatever i need to rush and make some pasta. Im starving.

On thursday a girlfriend is going abroad for xmas and we must say goodbye. i told her i have a date tomorrow although i will keep my legs crossed she is a born again christian and doesnt discuss sex so i did it to get her face red(even though i wasnt there to see it ) That will be late in the afternoon or early evening and meanwhile i might have a lunch dat with another frined.

Gosh i really am running around arent i?

The agency has forced me to work on christmas eve that ok coz im ditching them soon. My trial went ok today. I basically have the job if i want it. my friend was a bit sadistic in training me. I have trained her before for another job elsewhere so perhaps it was her way of getting back at me. a bit chaotic that place, not sure i like it, but then how many people like the jobs they do?! it will pay the bills.

Bitchy roomamte asked me for a decision today.blah,blah,blah. just piss off!

later

this is going to be a bit of a rant so brace yourselves:p We almost ran out of electricity again inthe flat today. Of course it was my roomate who was supposed to top-up but she has harddly been here this entire weekend. the other girl was away in manchester, she is the one who noticed. so we went topped up together. she started bitching about her friend and how things aren't right. I told her i thought our problem was really communication and i find it strange that such articulate women would have a problem communicating. I mean if you dont wanna talk to someone face-to-face then you send a text. same as people email each other in offices sitting next to one another. It's logical.

So she bitched about me and the roommate having topped up without letting her know bwfore. Whereas i was led to believ that we are all toppingup. Roommate was collecting money from all of us and since they've been there together it wasnt my responsibility to let ask the other. so she has been thinking im ganging up against her with her friend. I told her i wont be in the middle of their tiff and they should sort out the communication. I am tired of constantly making an effort whereas they seem not to be bothered.

She says she has made mistakes but people move on(the mistake i imagine is having bitch-slapped a visiting friend 4 times ). I didnt press her, and i did not confess to knowledge of anything. anything i do or say can be used against me in the future I am very aware of that. But the good thing she has let me keep the key today. Her friend was nasty apparently when she asked her to let her in coz i was out for dinner with the friend who had diarrhea but felt better. He consumed the alcohol again, so obviously puking upstaris and down stairs(in his body) did not teach him any lessons. We had what they call bottomless ribs at this spur place in Wandsworth.

The service was horrendous. My friend had been there a couple of weeks before and said it was great. but we were disappointed. we sat down, then had to be moved to another table, a booth this time which iw as happy with, but we waited 20mins to get any kind of service. Eventually the manager sauntered to us(the place was half empty/full) and asked us if we were ok. Hello, i was starving and after what i endured at work(which i wont bore or nauseate you with)i was in no mood to be placated. we launched straight into a complaint and he tried to brush us off and asked if we wanted to get drinks. How dare he!! I vowed i was going to complain. the place is apparently south african, there is apparently a south african rag here so i will be emailing the editor pronto!

towards the end of the evening of course he had thawed, a couple of waiters came by, the italian boy who seemd hostile turned out to be friendly, even told us he has a hard time, he never understands the accent tand the patrons get impatient and shout at him. he said we were the best and friendliest. I'm afraid it was too little too late. My friend felt bad and said we shouldn't, sorry but i will. i dont care if you wake up in the middle of of serving people and start doing a good job. first impressions and all that jazz!

otherwise, it's been a good morning, im going to go to GAP, they had these great low rise jeans in covent garden(my friend who is a size zero) was looking for a pair. she had no size, she is tiny. size8 was too big for me as well, they didnt have a six. bit shocking so i guess it was the cut of the jeans or something is radically wrong with me.

cheerio

Old geezer, deciever's friend rang me yesterday afternoon, asking if he should put time aside to spend with me during christmas(is that christmas day or the whole week building up to it???) I was quite suprised, asked him why. He said it's because the last time i was there i complained that nobody calls me(all the people in his house at the time, coz i'd been sick and nobody wondered where i was). So i guess he felt bad. He told me he likes me(that's a no-brainer and doesnt like to think im alone and think he doesnt care.

So i said he shouldnt set time aside(i know what he wants and i cant give it to him). Then he said he wont feel any emotional obligations then because he had tried. i told him he doesnt have to feel emotional obligations towards me and that i might be going away(which isnt true). i just cant see what "time aside for me" with geezer means other than to shag me senseless. Sorry geezer, in your dreams

I seem to be attracting geezers. Not that there is anything wrong with them but i have to wonder if i have gone past my sell-by-date!Im not even 30 and i pass for 18(ive been asked for id a few times buying wine, but perhaps they were trying to flatter me...not!Even R, my date/appointment last week tuesday isnt exactly a spring chicken.Of course a psychic(one of those in Camden town) told me im gonnna meet a "mature" man in February. in other words an old geezer. I guess i was destined for that so i better make peace with it but i dont want to.

I think i must get him a christmas card or something, it might be unwise to spend time with him(geezer) always better when there are other people although he flirts outrageously, more so when they are around.

I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend today some steak ranchhouse where they specialise in ribs today. he has just called to cancel. he got too drunk last night and now he is vomiting and having the runs at the same time. he called me this morning to suggest it so fuck him for this! He has cancelled again in the past so i should've really not agreed to it except it would be nice and he can be amusing. By the way this is the fucker who laughed at my misery a coupla weeks back. i cut him off last week telling him i will not stand to be ridiculed in my time of need and crisis. So no sympathy there.If u cant handle your drink,then expect to vomit both waysthen guzzle down loads of fluids, drink coca cola and u will feel better in no time. guaranteed.:p

I gave the old lady who gave me an x-mas card with £10 a thank you card with a message I fashioned myself. she cried and thanked me. see why i dont like this "season to be jolly?" people just cry. maybe im just miserable in which case i can fuck off to hell.

It's been nice having my own key although im becoming paranoid and having nightmares. i dreamed last night that my roomamte had discovered this blog, she was telling me about it and asking me if i knew who it might be. I denied, denied, denied but i woke up quite disturbed. cant go on like this. when does the new year come?

later

I am refering to the death penalty. killing someone, snuffing out their life because they had the audacity or propensity to snuff out another's in the past.

The newspapers are full of stories about Tookie Williams, the American whom Arnold Schwarznegger(sp) did not grant clemency. Anti death-penalty groups felt he was sufficently reformed, having been nominated for 2 nobel prizes, having renounced his ganster ways plus the fact that he might not have done those murders. His reputation preceeded him and well, we know how justice works in America. You need shitloads of cash to get off. I will not mention how many people have got off justly or unjustly.Some are known, most are not.

I just wondered how killing another person in the name of justice helped. Why dont we call it revenge? Americans bitch, yet they get a blow by blow account of the killing/lethal injection on tv.This one took 36 mins because for 20 mins the fucking nurse couldnt find a vein. can u imagine? people watching, you getting agitated , wanting to die and to have the ordeal over and the nurse is shaking? how agonising is that for all involved?

I saw the Timothy McVeigh execution,God the amount of detail! The victim's family always say "justice has been done...but our son/daughter will never come back"at the end, so what is "just" about that? and why is Terminator being seen as a nasty nazi when he was just following the law in that stupid country?

My aunt(in-law)and her son murdered my uncle quite brutally a few years ago.He was sweet and defencelss, they did it to try and get his money and pensions quickly. They never went to jail, never were arrested although the youngest kid at the time saw everything and my uncle's corpse was still bleeding in the casket, but i never wanted revenge. I wept, we all wept bitterly and gave her to nature.And that works. She died of a heart attack a couple of years back, having been subjected to daily beatings by the boyfriend she married after taking out my uncle. we didnt rejoice, time heals wounds and we felt sorry for all the mess. her son died last year, after years of thinking he was seeing my uncle's ghost and shit like that.Their suffering in life was better than them being killed to try and appease us and for that im glad.

so you see, you dont have to have the perpetrator killed to feel at peace. all you are doing is continuing the vicious cycle. perhaps certain groups have a bigger capacity to forgive. i dont know. I just feel death isnt a deterrent, and it makes us no different from the murderers we kill in the name of justice...which is blind and never fair anyway,.

The boy in my college, the one who always smiles at me and says hello(i learned his name by the way,) just gave me a mini chocolate:D! he said it was his last one and wished me a happy christmas in case he didnt see me again. How sweet is that:p. I squeezed his hand, i wanted to hug him, but he was almost behind me and so it would have been awkward but how cool!

My cousin's big day(wedding) is almost here. I sent him an emotional text earlier, some people are pissing him off with the arrangements so i am going to call him and ask him to get them on the line so i can give then an earbashing! that's the least i can do.

My other flatmate has gone to manchester to see her boyfriend, so she left the kety with me. we have been having a rather nice arrangement me and her. I hope it doent end. the ohter one...well she should just go soon!

Im such a pig, i bought a whole bag of jellybabies, im almost thru it. I know i will feel sick(yuck!). I am having a coke as well. talk about sugarrush huh:p
I need to get my hair done, soon it is rather frustrating me at the moment and so i dont know what to do with it. i will not touch on the weight issue, i feel im gaining, the scales reflect the same weight, so obviously im paranoid or the scales are lying...like the scales of justice!
I might be meeting a boy later for drinks probably. im waiting for his text, it's been hard trying to meet, he better not invite me back to his:p

good weekend to everyone

Well it turned out to be some kind of date afterall.He called to say he could make it for 7pm comfortably and so i compromised and said we should meet at 7:15. I was meeting a friend round liverpool street and needed to bitch and offload. Not that she listened much, too preoccupied with buying a specific type of bread or loaf for her new husband. I had to go with her to Tesco coz hubby has decided he doent like granary bread. kids!

Anyway, we got back and I was squinting looking around for R at the appointed meeting place. He saw me first, said it was my red jacket that made me stand out. I pondered that, for a bit, but he assured me it looked good. Oh well, i have an orange one so i cant complain. He kissed me on both cheeks and looked really glad to see me. I introduced him to my friend, we all walked off, she caught a bus towards Elephant and we walked towards Bricklane. We stepped into a posh wine bar, and had a couple of glasses each. He had to have some of mine coz he was going too fast.

Conversation flowed easily. I was only seeing him for the second time remember? I admit i asked a lot of questions maybe i was getting too personal, but there is only so much you can say about philosophy and the sate of the world! He was feeling a bit hungry, i had had a KFC burger(yuck!) around 4pm so i wasnt realy hungry. WE went to a restaurant called giraffe, There is a chain of them around, the food was alright, but we had more wine. Jesus he asked which wine i liked, they had some Chilean, australian, south african and French. i quite fancied the chilean, i have enjoyed chilean wine, plus it was reasonable at £11+. He had his heart set on a £20 Australian wine. Im telling you we are paying the price for all those riots!

I balked inwardly but it was good. we asked the waitress to let us sample the south african, im sure she measured the mouthfuls with precision coz it was just tiny weeny drops:D So what did i have? shit i cant remember what i ate. No i had a green thai curry, he had...fuck he had something else. we were just talking so much. i was getting tipsy, i mentally wondered if i would snog him or not. said yes then no then perhaps.A lot to do with wine. It's amazing at times i thought"not bad" but then i would come back to reality with a thud thinking" i really dont wanna see him naked".

The bill was horrendous(how could it not be with R ordering ridiculously expensive wines. I paid half of it. He didnt protest, i would have offered anyway, that's just how I am so when that was sorted we left. He took my arm and asked me what i wanted to do and whether i wanted to come back to his!! Now im not a prude and i know it happens all the time but i just feel he shouldnt have invited me back to his so soon!We had known each other for...what 4hrs?? I almost laughed out loud, but i declined citing getting up early(5:30am) as my reason and work. I couldnt exactly just say "No"! could i? i mean i did have a good time but i feel it shouldnt have culminated in the invite like that. Perhaps i was giving out signs who fucking knows!! He accepted that, said he wasnt gonna push(which meant im trying to push) and so i felt a little bad but got over it.

At the tube he asked if i would like to see him again, he said he was very attracted to me but wasnt sure if i enjoyed myself. I told him i did was it not obvious? he said he thought i enjoyed myself 80% and that's because there is always room for improvement. Isnt that sweet?:p but while we were talking he leaned over and gave me a peck..a little smackeroo really on the lips, we hugged, said how we enjoyed ourselves and this time i leaned over and pecked him So no hard feelings, we all liked the dinner and the company and as much as he was disappointed that my chastity belt was firmly in place, he knows i wasnt just dissing him.

I got a text today, asking if i got home ok, saying we should go out again soon. Well, i have to think about where we might go, we are obviously on very different tax brackets, i cant let him pay for everything(i might not have a get-out clause when he suggests i come with...u never know with some people). I think lunch or coffee this time, if he persists then i will have to let him down gently. Im afraid i might get too tipsy and see him in a different light(alcohol does play tricks sometimesand then be totally embarrased the morning after the night before. I aint going down that road. So that was nice, i had fun, we shall see.

Im supposed to go to a meeting at old geezers. Im not going. that will just reinforce deceiver's assertion that im unreliable(not that this meeting has anything to do with him) but fuck it i dont need that rubbish

cheerio

I am awarding that to myself. Yes, Cant say i am proud of the honour but i a gullible and have been taken for a ride by my roommate.

It never failes to amaze me how people can present one side of themself, have you believe they are sincere and honest and then turn around and reveal their sinister sides without even realising it.My lovely (ha Ha) roomamate told me yesterday that she "forgot" to tell me but i will have to pay almost £700 when she leaves. Deposit and one month and all that. Things I enquired about before entering their house. I almost laughed but i would have gone all hysterical coz i do not have that money in the bank. Even my credit card wouldnt cover that.

First I was led to believe the rent was about £75 per week. it is more than that.(excluding electricity)I paid a months rent in advance and actually paid for 4 weeks for 3 weeks worth of rent. we'd agreed i'd come at the beginning of NOvember, their rent was due towards the end of October, yet i had to pay for that month. I ditn argue. And now she had the gall to tell me that since she is leaving on the 22Jan she would have to calculate how much rent she pays coz she cant pay all of it. Excuse me, i paid for 8 days that i shouldnt have paid for, why cant she pay for 4 extra days before she fucks off?! She knows I dont have money, she was tellingme i will have to let her know what to do. If u think about it, she wasnt me to pay a third of the rent, plus two months rent. In oher word pay for 3 months rent, which i shuldnt do!

Like i said, medal for gullibility that's me! I now realise how shrewd she has been this whole time. GIving out info in measured amounts, misleading me and telling me "she forgot". I would really rather pay a deposit(with what) elsewhere and just be. Jesus, perhaps i should just go away. I mean it's not like my parents tossed me out of their house when they went to meet their maker. i would rather not do that but i am not seeing an option for myself.

It has dawned on me that because i am not aggressive and i always try to be fair and nice to people i should not be i cannot not be allowed to exists with other people. seriously. Some bitch takes me for a ride and she knows i'm backed against a wall. I cant leave now, where will i go? I cant stay coz i cant afford to. I have been buying them things and food and stuff in the house, because i thought it was a nice thing to do and help out. What does she do: shop!shop! shop! and shop. The whole room is full of 5 suitcases with clothes, not to mention the bin bags that are full and every cupboard in the house. Because she culculated that that she has a roommate who is stupid enough to take her word.

I am incessed by all this, but most of all i feel helpless. She knew I had a roommate(who shared her name), she was a sadistic bitch, most people knew. i survived her.what to do! what to do?? I have been backed againt the wall so many times this year im really considering upleasant otions to sort out this whole mess. I dont know what else i am meant to do. What lesson did i miss here? if someone tells you something, you have to believe them coz you dont know otherwise right?

All I can say is I will not room with people from a certain country anymore. In fact if i could i would just live by myself, which is everyones ideal situation i suppose.

A Luta Continua

On a positive note: I saw the cutest, tallest guy at the tube station the morning im sure he is a model or he should be. nice butt, very tall broad shoulders and a face and mouth to go with everything. a didnt see his shoes, it would have been too ovbious having to look down like that. I was eating a cream cheese bagel(comfort food) and I stopped. not that he took any notice the muther! He walked up and down the platform and disappeared. His loss of course

the nurse at my surgery has just called to invite me for a vaccine tomorrow. amazing really since i've just had the flu. thought of saying no, i never do vaccines for flu, but what the heck, maybe it will protectme from bird flu. perhaps nobody has been wanting to do it? weird. i hope there will be no side effects seeing how vulnerable i am and also going for dinner with a geezer.

A nice glamourous 86yr old i look after at the weekend gave me a christmas card on saturday. she insisted that i open it immediately. Nice card with a £10 note. I gave the money back to her coz we aren't allowed to accept gifts from clients. She wouldnt hear of it. Told me she is aware of the rule but"they arent to know". she was waving her hand as if to dismiss the poweres that be as she said that. I was touched. She said she was ure it would come in handy. It's gone already. I dont know how many times I thanked her.

There are so many different angels out there i suppose. Cynical as I am at times...ok most of the time, i can appreciate when others try to make my life easier.

My friend at the coffee place pissed me off this morning. I have had a think, asked her if the job op-ening was stil there, she lectured me, went on about how i am showing my unreliability,by not having done anything for two weeks. What the fuck? i have to think and make decisions that she doesnt have to cope with. I thanked her for her support but pointed out that she doesnt need to pile more pressure on me. I mean it's just to smile and stand up the whole day and take abuse from some assholes for minimum wage! should i be breaking my back over this? i dont have the job yet, it's a interview possibility so now she has made me rethink the situation. My stark reality still hasnt changed. I'm still almost completely penniless, i might be in the streets soon so a little space in my anxiety-infested mind would be welcome, not more "i-told-u-sos"

anyhow, my cousin is getting married on the 17th. Im going to miss that.This is going to affect our relationship somehow. I should be there, I can't. On some level he can understand it on another...i dont know, it's sad.

I am afraid christmas is just another day to me. There was a time when it was a big deal: decorations, presents, family togetherness etc. that is gone. So to all those who celebrate the day and remember jesus, Have a merry christmas, count your blessing and enjoy.

The new year is much more improtant so i hope you are all planning how well the eyar will turn out for u al.

Later

No allusion to a part of the human anatomy! I discovered today it's a dessert. Some spongy mess or bread stuff with custard.It arrived for one of the ladies i look after from some meals on wheels company. My eyes nearly popped out. Thankfully she tucked in and said it was quite good. Better than the beefy casserole dish she had as a main. Who said a spotty dick couldn't be good dessert?

You live, you learn!

The arrogant fucker told me to look in the mirror! How dare he? I know he likes to qoute that Michael Jackson song line, but how dare he insinuates I am not honest?!. Look in the mirror indeed The only time I look to to affirm what i see there and ll i say is "Hello Gorgeous!" FULL STOP.Who the fuck is he to say that to me?

I was so angry that i actually put the phone down. BUt then Miss Phine never learns her lessons. She sees too much good in bastards who deserve to be spat upon at every opportunity. This is what went down: I called Deciever like i had promised last week. I hadn't specified a day when i would call. I have been sick in bed, the people on blog know this, and other people who actually give a damn about my well being. He said it had been a long time, which boggles my mind because the Bitch can pick up the damn phone if he wants to talk to yours truly. The truth is i could be run over by a truck and he wouldn't miss a heartbeat.He could be run over...perhaps i would exhale in relief.Nah, im not that nasty

He was apparently taking a break from" his hard schedule" by washing dishes. He apologised for being busy blah blah, I told him i knew what a busy man he is and so he should slot me in when he has an opening in his very tight schedule.Then he said I would see him every day if I was working with him. Excuse me?? Hello? Did the mother not say he was giving work to someone else when we spoke? and frankly how can I work with someone who does not respect me or give a damn about my well-being?I pointed this out to him(the giving work to someone else bit.) to me it meant the working together thing was a shut case. That's when he spoke about mirrors and me making promises and not delivering and claiming to be sick everytime. Oh, shit him! sod him! castrate him! whatever. I demanded to know on which other occasion I did that. He sounded vague, I got pissed off and put the phone down fuming.

YOu see, in my silly naiive innocent-to-the-point of stupidity mind i have thought we could converse like humans(it's more for my benefit really), but it's impossible. When i got back on the phone, he ranted on about how he is "tired of this" "we are not synching". I said "look, i only called to see how you are doing but every time i call you have a go at me or shout" Of course he had to turn it around and make me sound deranged coz he said, if that's what i think he does then fine because he doesnt have a go or shout at me.He was shouting at the time by the way.

He had conveniently forgotten the saturday he called out of the blue, shouted at me and the said he didnt mean to have a go. We need a hundred mirrors i think:p Anyway, ever the diplomat i pushed the conversation on to other topics. his work. (who does not enjoy boasting about their so-called achievements) he asked after me, but i was well pissed. Not upset but pissed off. This train deserves to be bombed so any suicide bombers out there get in touch

We eventually said out goodbyes, actually i was the one who said look i dont wanna keep you from you dishes so...
I mean, the work thing is a dead-end, but why use it against me? I know you might ask me why we are even talking, please dont. The mirror I look in is not the same as the one he wants me to look in. I am sooo incensed by that. Almost as if i am desperate to see him. I dont want to see him everyday and i cartainly don think he could stomoach seeing me daily. We woyuld murder each other.Be pleasant or die shithead!

I called old geezer his friend after. I am going there in a short while. he is there with his youngsih friend. the one who broke the broom trying to spring clean at night the last time i was there. Apparently he wasnt on weed then. Weird but still it is pleasant company, where i don't have to justify myself or my existence indeed. I wish decievr could vanish. Honestly. So i dont have to be in these situations.

I got a bigger size jacket in Kingston today. I hope Oxford street will refund my credit card before everything goes thru. Will have to do it on MOnday.

The aganecy had given me a rota, two people for the week, one of them is in hospital. in other words they are fucking with my life. I took it and left. Can't deal with too much crap at once otherwise the tigress in me might just escape. The world is not ready for that. Trust me

I am a fool of no description, i accept that, but i gave back as much as i got. The problem is because i have a heart where he has a gaping hole, i can hurt while he continues to be the sodding bastard he is.

Im done

I have just completed my little shopping spree and felt the need to write about it before i forget. Now I decided to go to Hammersmith first and work my way back into the center. Gotta find bargains where you can. So Primark was the first stop, I looked around, suprisingly peple weren't falling on top of one another and most of the clothes were neatly stacked on racks. perhaps shopers are becoming more civilised there now anyhow, I saw a red little jacket that interested me. I imagine it's stuff for teens really coz I saw some kid, her jeans had the word"BOOTY" written across her ass(not as phine as yours truly but she can aspire )wearing a white one. she looked nice. I took the red and a black, went to the mirror to try it on andwhile i was checking out how the black one looked, some woman came with her mother or sister and just took the red coat. She started discussing how it would suit "whoever", presumably her daughter and put it in the basket. I was too shocked to speak. I actually just stood there, staring at the mirror! the girl next to me looked at me as if to say something but i wimped out.

An old Italian-sounding lady came up to me asking me my size. she wanted to buy a waist coat thingy for someone, i told her 8 or 6. it seems she is a 14 or 12.(you never know)but she was anxious to see someone try it on, she asked I said yes. It was big round the waist but the gentleman with her reckoned it would fit her perfectly if that's how it looked on me. She kept apologising so much. i told her to stop, it's not like I minded but it was just strange. They knew she was bigger, and taller apparently but i was happy to obliige.

They are small sizes(the red jackets) and i thought if the one that woman nicked is the last size then im gonna blow a gasket! Fortunately I found another one that fitted. I always need to try something a couple of times just to be sure. But i wanted this, so it didnt matter too much. £8 it cost me but it doesnt look cheap and the colour is rather nice. I dont know how i will co-ordinate it since i seem to just shop for the sake of it these days. I bought some socks as well so my whole peurchase at Primark was a whopping £10. on to my credit card. Next I nipped across to TKMaxx. Now this shop is confusing to me. You always have to rummage through rows and rows of clothes(nice ones) to get waht you are looking for. No coats. The boots were nice but nothing i could trawl the streets of Richmond in so I had to give up temporarily on that. Frustrating really coz I need them like yesterday. the only other pair i have i wear to walk a short distance, get in some mode of transport and sit down promptly

Next, the agency called...bitch! It's sorted, i will work tommorow, it's not as if the sky fell in when i was out of action although the one woman who wants me all the time is apparently in hospital. Poor thing i hope she will be ok. Radiotherapy is shit!

I got on the tube to picadilly, went into lilly whites. Nothing i wanted there. well, their boots are on sale, but jesus... i wont go into that. I coulda bought trainers(they are good to walk in when you do my work) but no sizes or the once i wanted werent on sale and im not about to spend £55 on trainers now. I dont have it as it is, so i moved right along to H&M near Oxford circus. The coats I saw there last week were still around. Still size 40. Something told me one was a 10 or perhaps im finally going blind, but i was astonished when i got to the changing room and the size 10 seemed too huge. I realised my mistake and bolted. I nipped into Zara, nothing of significance there, nothing on sale as well, i think i was feeling a little tired and i really prefer not to trawl thru things when im feeling that way.

Dear Dorothy Perkins has nice boots most of which are at a reduced price now. did not try any on, like i said, i want something to walk in not glam. so if anyone knows a place where i can get a nice pair of boots that i can go to work in I am appealing sincerely. I looked around, they had nice jeans, huge sizes and so i had to go. will definitely have to go back shopping starting early in the morning like i did in summer.

Another H&M had a jacket in size34. I always thought 34 meant10. 32 meant8. I can do both sizes, mostly 8, 10 depends on the cut. Now this particular jacket(black, so i can abuse it over the winter) i had tried on last week or a couple of weeks back. it was still there but i recalled it had felt a tad tight. meaning it was snug and i couldnt move around in it too much. It's not the best shape, really i dont think they designed it to flatter someone. They also had the same one in cream. I like that better. As soon as I put it on I looked like a little angel. You know how all brides look pure and virginal as soon as they put they white wedding dresses on? well i looked angelic it was a 36,slightly loose, i felt better in it, a little room to move. But i needed a darker one. so i tried the black again. Same results of course but we do things hoping the results would alter dont we?!, then the cream and on and on I went. I think they wondered what i was doing outside my fitting room.

In the end, I bought the black, yes, it's not too comfortable, but i can live with the way it fits. I guess i want it slightly lose, but i can move my arms, i can crouch, touch my knees(that's what i was doing in the changing room!). I left it a couple of weeks ago. I havent seen anything else anywhere since. It's £40 which is a lot for me, but since i am credit card happy(i will slash my wrists when the bill comes...not) it was ok. it should last me. I wont remove the price tag and should i see something else i will return it. No size 36 in the black unfortunately. It's funny how some were labelled size 12 or 14 or 10 and then others in the european sizes. Incidentally a teenager went past me, she was talking on the phone, i heard her say"do you wanna break up then?" and some woman in front of me turned around. Atleast they can still dump each other over the phone.

I have a date next week tuesday. maybe i should call it an appointment.This is the man i met with my friend in Bricklane 3 weeks ago. He suggested we have a meal, when all along it was a case of we should meet for coffee or a drink. And he suggested 7pm. Now is that a date or friends meeting for coffee? but i'm going to be careful, he seems harmless enough, but you never know do you after my experience with stalker biy im not taking chances! He is a philosopher and a deep thinker so the conversation should be stimulating. if it gets too much i will just have a drink or go to the ladies and regroup.

A nice evening which i cut short out of necessity. Suprisingly Oxford street wasnt too crowded or maybe it's because i knew exactly where i wanted to go. Still not sure about the size of the coat. drat!

Im feeling a lot better today.I'm glad i skipped work, i will be much stronger tomorrow. I'm gonna go shopping today.Hopefully I will find what i'm looking for, which is a nice coat and a pair of walking boots. I dont need stilletos with the kind of job i do although they tend to make you sway your hips a bit more and walk straighter. There is something alluring about a woman walking the street swaying her hips with nonchalance I'm very good at that sometimes i think.
Fortunately I dont have to buy anyone a christmas present although I am expecting one from AWW you better deliver brother because otherwise i will feed your ass to the Italians. They seem to have reverted to their barbaric Roman methods so you better watch out.

Another thing: i need to get my hair done. well, i need to wash it but i cant do it feeling fluey like this. Ive been told i will come right back but something will have to be done.

I had chips again yesterday, but that's coz i hadn't eaten the whole day and i but i must really stop. That obese woman who said i have too much body fat might be right. I need someone who can make me nice home cooked meals daily. We can come to an arrangement I think. Dont be getting dirty thoughts, princesses are very innocent(unless you are princess Margaret...rest her soul) or channel four would like us to believe that.

Someone asked why there are Caucasians, Africans, Asians and so on today. it does not go with the Adam and Eve story. I asked why they would assume there was Adam and Eve in the first place. I dont want backlash over this but i was just thinking we place too much importance on things we shouldnt even think about.

Im off!

I was going to start this blog on a good note but i need to get my anger out of the way first. I read in today's metro that the high court in Italy has ruled that calling someone "a dirty negro" isnt racists. This is the place where African soccer stars, even Thierry Henry gets monkey chants and their caucasian team-mates feel "the chants were't too bad!" I found that disgusting, so whoever is still under the illusion that everyone is the same in the world, get the wool off your eyes! enought about that.

I put on one of my nice thongs with slogans this morning the one I have on says"attention getter". I have another one that says" weapons off mass seduction". I felt rather good when I put on my lacy bra to match the thong and my boobs seemed to spill out a bit They definietly seem to have grown. I wonder why. I am absolutely not pregnant and unless I am the second version of the mother of God, a Princess who got pregnant immaculately, that can only be the reason. I had gained a couple of kilos(depending on which scale i weighed myself) but i think with my flu and stress in the past couple of days, i have lost that. So it's nice to see my mounds(ha!haa!) having swelled up noticeably. I wonder how long that will last though, but for the moment it's good. I like it.

I spent yesterday with a friend who came to London for an interview with the university of Qatar. They paid for everything, flight, hotel, no pocket money though. we spent the day round covent garden, went to a nice spanish restaurant in the area, i let him call his boyfriend from my mobile(who seemed to have been missing him quite a lot, gosh after one night?!). I hope he gets the job, he has been thru too much adversity this year and he has such a generous spirit so im crossing fingers. I was knackered though and my breathing was laboured by the time i got on the tube. went straight to bed at 9pm, was up at 10:30 coughing up a storm. Made myself a cuppa, and that seemd to settle things down a bit. Oh, i got on the wrong escalators. Have you tried going down on an escaalator that's going up? the tube staff were concerned, im surpised i didnt break both ankles, it was just strange that i kept going back while attempting to go down luc