I have behaved in a really terrible way. I know i feel a little bad but maybe not as bad as I should. Perhaps I am a farud. You judge for yourself.

This is what happened yestersday: i met my friend, the one who let me down a few months ago. We went to bricklane since we had agreed to meet in liverpool street. We walked around and found this trendy bar where we fot drinks. It was quite full, i think it was student night or young people had just decided to flood the place. We sat outside, and started talking. Some guy with grey hair decided to caht to us.Something about what i thought of glbal warming.We ignored him after as couple of minutes but then I said maybe we should chat to him anyway. It turned out to be a most intersting conversation thanks to him.

When my friend and i first met, she wanted to know what was going on in my life, since we hadn't seen each other for ages, but she kept interrupting me and i couldn't finish any of the tales I had started. That anoyed me a bit and i let it go. I thought we would sit down, have a talk, address "the issue" and then move on.

That didn't happen but the older guy seemed interesting. She thought he was interested in me, i thought he fancied her. I was got quite hungry and he suggested another place not too far off where we could get food at a reduced price coz it was so late at night. The baguettes weren't reduced and they were a bit stale. He went to get his money back, I was too chicken. My friend went on about how independent I am and told this guy stories about us, that i felt she shouldn't have. nothing harmful,just me and our mutual Italian friend and how we used to flirt and whatever. Even though we never did anything.(Anctually we kissed one night, and he invited me to have a shower with him, but i was too chicken coz I thought I looked fat. Vanity!). but we have never admitted this to her, so as far as i she knows...

Just as well coz one of his friend's had assumed I had given him a BJ since he found us in the room together with him going into the shower. It wasn't true, I have seen him naked, we are like brother and sister now. Cool.

Top get back to the fraud: well, it was getting late, she suggested I stayed at hers, so i sent my new housemates a text to say they shouldnt expect me. as we were leaving to cathc the last tube, we went past another palce, where some kind of dancing was going on. we went right in, danced to about three songs and it was all over. By the way when she was in the toilets, th eGuy we were with told me he thought she is very lonely and needy(she'd confessed to me about needing a man) and he said he thought independent women were so much more attractive. so maybe he did fancy me afterall, because he asked for my number and wants to talk to me further about my research and stuff. he has taught political science and we had some debate on philosophy and politics and stuff before.

So i went to my friend's and perhaps I shouldnt have. I woke up this morning, she offered me brakfast and we all sat and read newspapers. she doesnt work on friday and i chose to miss college today. But then she went into the lounge with her housemate, i chose to sit in the kitchen and sonctinue reading coz they were constantly on the phone with work-related matters. She thought i was being anti-social, but was i suppoed to just sit there and listen in? And she did tell me off for washing up: our breakfast cups and dishes said it wasnt my house, i dont have to, even though,she was ecstatic that i had made her bed so nicely.

I suppose i was in a bit of a mood, because i was quiet and reading. I dont know what she was expecting from me, actually i did ask. She was going to central london later and i said we could leave togher but then kesp saying she was gonna have a shower, am i happy to wait so in the end i said, she could have her shower and we could leave together, or i could leave immediately if she wanted. I wasnt sure were the whole thing was going and being a little off-kilter and accused of it wasnt helping.

Eventually we left. On the bus i decided to bring up the issue. I said i was suprised to hear from her after all that time. she said it was because of the isse. and i told her that i meant what i said about it being ok, but i just didnt like the 11th hour way of doing it, as she did. But i think i was subconciously still angry because it want goignt he way i wanted and we weren't talking about it properly. She said she wasnt expecting us to just pick up where we left off but thats what happend.

She was meeting a friend she hadn't seen in 3yrs, and as we neared H&M, she gave me a quick hug and told me she was gonna go mad when she sees her friend so we might as well do that. (by the way we got cheap winter gloved for 99p at knightbridge H&M so hurry! they are good quality)

I saw her veering off, heard a little scream. she had seen her friend, I was left behind on a busy oxford circus so i decided to just walk on. I did not follow her, to wait for the hearty greetings and to be introduced to the friend. I walked on hoping to catch a bus to the library. She called and asked why i walked off. I told her she disappeared and i looked around didnt see her and assumed the hug was a goodbye we can talk another time. she said she found it really weird that i did that.

I finf it weird that i did that. I lied. I did not want to stand around. I wasnt feeling very positive being around her half of today and it was probably a sselfish and rude act to do so. Perhaps I subconsciously wanted to get back at her, but i just had to go. I could have looked thru the crowds but i felt the relationship is not the same, I couldnt be bothered. So i apologised, (for "mistakenly" thinking our hug meant goodbye and asked if she wanted me to go back. I would have. she said no, it's fine). I was relieved and hopped on a bus. I felt a twinge of guilt. I'm sure she is hurt and a bit baffled, but i need time out. Im not sure what it was but i just wasnt in the right mood and not much had changed. Im not sure i can puck up where we left off, im too curt and get a little angry. maybe i should email and apologise again? But i dont want to, not yet anyway. I supose i am a fraud then...