Talk about a stalker! talk about being stalked. he rang sevral times today. from a private number. the first time he rang I said i was in a meeting. he asked when i'd be out, i said i'd call back in 30 mins and forgot about the call. "private call" came up on my phone screen again 30mins later. I cut the call and turned my phone off. after about an hour, i switched it on again. Thankfully the woman from the care agency called me about a couple of assgnments tomorrow. not enough but better than nothing while im still scrounging around for some thing more semi-permanent. The he rang again,(i had to assume the private call was him or the other stlker from last week or even deciever. Hell it couldve been anybody).

Unfortunately there was a disturbance on the central line when i exited college. Person under the train in Mile end they said crisply over the intercom.I cannot fathom anybody throwing themselves at a highspeed train. someone has lost a child, father/husband/lover whatever. Or maybe it was a female. but atelast they were honest. so i had to make my way from the east via the jubelle line. the heavens had decided to piss upon me as well. What joy!

Baby boy called again much later, round five. this time I decided to answer and straighen a few things out. He wanted to meet after work tonight, so we can go to a movie blah blah. I said to him i think we want different things, he got hot under the collar asking what i meant. I pointed out his dream about clubbing with me and getting to know me in a hotel room at 11pm. So based on that and the level of our acquaintance, i said i thought it best if we didnt meet. He then sounded all hurt,saying what an intersting person he finds me and that he would like to know me more(jesus!, that the other day was just unfortunate he is really sorry and wants to make it up.

So on the boy's mind, we were getting along like a house on fire(because i laughed i guess, wrong guess as to the reasons on his part) and so he would really like to spend some time with me. also said since he doesnt live in london it might be difficult us to meet another day. So i said to him to ring me when he is in London, but i cant see him now and im busy. poor thing. I think he kinda got the message that i was fafing away fast..not that i was ever there to start with. but you gonna admire the poor sod for tenacity.

Great evening entertainment, gonna go off and actually start on my next assignment. Thought of going to see the geezer today, but the weather isn't good for that. He will try and insist that i stay. it would have been nice. I miss our stimulating conversations so maybe later in the week.

cheerio

I think it's a sham. I left almost in tears yesterday after my first session with that woman. I arrived, waited a while while she forgot to check with reception whetehr i was there(she had a crisis with the printer!) aah, the joys of technology. Anyway, she asked how i have been, i dsaid i have been ok, she wanted me to talk about whats been happening so i talked. In the middle of my rablings, she said we weren't going anywhwre, giving me an analogy about alice in wonderland climbing a ladder to nowhere.

I felt myself getting angry. I told her i was just talking because she let me and i thought she'd guide me. Then she said she can't waive a magic wand, she is not a magician. I just stared at her this time. Previously on our first meeting she asked me to prioritise things that i wanted to discuss, that would be most beneficial for me in the 8session we are supposed to have. we wrote the list down. Yesterday, she was basically saying i have too many things to discuss but couldnt she have directed the session at the beginning instead of allowing to rabling and making me feel like I was wasting time? ok, they were my feelings but still...

So she was pressing me to decide what i wanted, what i wanted , if i had one wish what would i wish for. I told her"i would wish to not exist for one day" that threw her off.I was very tense and she could see me withdrawing. So I said ok lewts talk about relationships, in particular my relationship with Deciever. She asked me what i was still holding on to, i spoke up then she said that is the most sensible thing i have said. I said" as opposed to what?" she went back to the rambling. I told her i was sorry if i was wasting her time. I really wanted to leave then. But she had needled me. I dont like being pushed into a corner and i suppose she was trying to help but i dont like her approach. I told her when i went for grief couselling after my mom died last year, other things came out and sometimes i felt the therapist wasnt pushing when he shouldve . she was asking if that had worked for me. I feel this is not working for me right now, honestly. Although at the end she asked if i trusted her and whether i wanted to continue, said it takes two to tango, it depends on what i'm willing to bring. what is she brining exactly? I dont get her. Im not saying she should treat me with kid's gloves and agree with everything i say(she said she is not there to cheer me on and agree with whatever just to make me happy)but ijust dont feel im getting what i need.

She says we need to work out the underlying root of why i react as i do or am not open etc and yet when i feel her bashing me around(even if she might be playing devil's advocate, i just want to run. I felt close to tears when i left. it was me not her but she obviously touched a nevre. I will see her one more time and then maybe call it quits. Not even sure why im seing her. im too tired to bother. oops, spiraling down again.

A friend called me(the one who married last month), she desperately wanted to meet for a drink, she was superdepressed. so i went to see her after my session. great, we could have a pity fest.She felt bad calling me like that coz the last time i felt as she did she didnt come to meet me, but i didnt mind. We talked, had a couple of drinks, i told her about my encounter with the boy, we laughed, she felt better and went home with things in better perspective. And i got to spend my very first day at the new place. I told my roomate about the boy, she told me she'd met worse, her housemate came back really late, after 11pm and i was still up reading a magazine. so she came in and welcomed me, asked if i was ok, if the house is ok, she is happy to have me hopes i will be happy. that was sweet i thought. I think i will like her definitely.

Still havent bought groecries. i need to get a mug, they dont have a lot utensils. the bitchy landlady had not furnished the flsat when they went it. the washing machine arrived but it's not connectedd. But enough complaining, atleast i slept ok, i did have a couple of nightmares about cellulites but thats another blog

Im hating college at the moment,the administrator/receptionist is bugging me, but she can go jump in a lake as far as im concerned.Im getting started on my other assignment, have thanked the lecturer for her comments on proposal and promised to make the necessary changes pronto. Depserately looking for another job, cant trust these bloody agencies. S

So long...