I found the Article below on a news website so be careful out there!

Certain cases of mouth cancer appear to be caused by a virus that can be contracted during oral sex, media reported in Stockholm on Wednesday, quoting a new Swedish study.

Her findings confirm other international studies in recent years.

My booty is getting bigger. No, deciever did not say it, i had a look last night while trying to shop for a winter coat on Oxford street. I took off the one I was wearing and was about to put on this nice one when i had saw an image of myself on the mirroer behind me in the changing room. Now, im all for mirrors on all four walls if it makes shopping easier and gives one a realistic view of how how the item of clothing will really look but do we have too see things we dont wanna see? I don't care if others see it as bootylicious but i truly think all the weight i gain is suddenly deciding to amplify my derriere. It was a bit shocking! I don't think i'm exaggerating, I might be a tad paranoid, perhaps I should blame the jeans i was wearing, but the bottom line is I need to watch it. so no more chips, no more chips, no more croissants, no more blueberry muffins. Damn this is going to be hard, but really i cant bear to feel like my bum is starting to protrude, mmmhh, i should post a pic(jean enclaved and let u judge i suppose)

I spoke to deciever last night. apparently he isn't leaving anymore(damn!!). well, atleast not till the end of the year. Flights are too expensive now, he has been doing...zzzzz It was afterall 11:30pm when he called. I had called him to say goodbye around 9pm, i never got that far coz he was working, but he said he's call back. i didnt think he would, but he did. Now he wants to meet and catch up, maybe next week since he will be free. Do u know, he asked me where I've been, it's been a while?! This from someone who texted to say he is busy , he is sorry, he will give me a ring when he has a moment or i should ring. i chose not to ring, why should i? ring me when you get a moment although im not quite sure what the point it. But he was civil, so was I. that's the problem with dealing with unfinished business, it never goes away and you never chuck it either.

Need to get a a coat/jacket soon, but there were no sizes. everything is size 12 or 10 or bigger? what am I to do?!! otherwise im gonna freeze my ass off.

peace

I bought a new phone today. payed £40 for it, but since i had the sim card they converted £10 into airtime. I was still gutted though. I was clinging vainly to some hope that my nokia might actually work this morning. it didnt.

has anyone ever had thier fall in water and did it work afterwards? as u can guess, it happened to me this morning. totally fucked up. some repair man told me to blow druy it when i get home and it should work. I doubt it. My watch died as well and he couldnt open it to give me a new battery. Oh what a life!

I am touched by George best's plight. I know a lot of people blame him for where he is, but knowing he is dying has struck a chord within me. I feel such a profound sense of loss and pain it doesn't make sense. It invariably leads me to my mother's passing. I think about how she suffered, how she clung on, how she was let down by the medical fraternity.It was an awful death, one she spared me by asking me to literally go to another country to inform her cousin, while she died mysteriously during that night. But i knew when she died i think. I woke up suddenly at 5am on that fateful sunday morning. Just got up and could not go back to sleep. I later found out she died at 5am.

I pretend like i have dealt with her death, I persist in looking for answers that i will never get. Did she suffer? Yes, was her death painful? I imagine so because the doctors and the nurses are hiding the truth. My elder brother cannot understand why i want answers to this day. The family believes what has happened is gone and i must let it go. I cant, I try but it's mostly one step forward and two back.

These days when i hear about other people's deaths or suffering, it affects me motre than it should. I read the daily mirror today, read the metro and every paper i could get my hands on. I was up early this morning, to watch the news, see whether George has dearly departed. Make no mistake, im not on some mass mourning hysteria like we saw when Princess Di died, but i look at what a handsome and robust person he was, to what he is today. Alcoholism is an insiduous desease. some people can beat it, others cant. new liver or not, it does not mean that he should have been expected to be a saint.

I cannot bear news of death these days. I got a text message from my cousin the other day. NOw one of her friend's sister's husband died a couple of weeks ago. hed been mysteriously ill a long time. The sister was admitted to hospital last week. They thought her problem was more psychological than physical. she is dead. The thing is whenever she texts, she'll say" sad news, so-and-so has died." I have told her that i dont want to be hearing the sad news texts anymore. I guess it's better to text because i tend to ask too many questions, questions that people can't deal with because to them death is final.

So it's a bit depressing, not knowing someone and yet knowing someone on this earth is going to lose a son, a father, a brother and a lover. Yeah, it happens, but it still affects me. I suppose I'm not as immune to these feelings as I thought i was.

He's a fighter though, which take me back to my mother again. Atleast it will be peaceful, or that's what mortals who've never been thru that stage tell us. we have to believe for the alternative would be worse to bear.

Well, take care of yourselves, it doent guarantee a good death or not being castigated, but atleast you can buy a lot more time with your families.

Peace

It's been a long day. I had to deal with shit. literally. some poor woman had had an "accident". that is, herseff, her chairs, bed, everywhere was covered in shit. I could have done a runner since it wasnt part of my job description but i soldiered on, cleaned her up, her house, rinsed her linen, put it in the washer and made sure she was comfortable. i had tea after her son arrived. they insisted and i needed it i think.

Isnt it funny how you tell yourself you could never do certain things and you see people wrinkle their noses in disgust when they contemplate such, yet when the time comes you do it calmly? Im glad i helped her, it didnt bother me too much(though i hope i wont dream about it), but i will not endure this anymore. i have decided.

another thing, why is it that there are no buses designated for school children? i had a most unpleasant experience this morning with pre-pubescents and teens screaming their lungs off like like they were on speed this morning. not that i would know the effects of speed, only that the kids seemed to be on some kind of sugar rush. it didnt help that the bus broke down and we had to endure more ear-shattering screams. it is just the way they speak to one another i suppose and they become so excitable.

I thought back to the days when i was their age. I dont think i behaved like that, not on a bus with other adults, never succumbed to mob psychology.

I think during peak hrs in the morning, there should be buses for kids and normal buses for everyone else. I thought another woman was gonna have a break down, she has had too many of these experiences it seems. some kid kept whipping her head from side to side , thereby making me eat her hair. i wasnt always fortunate enough to ducksome girls were discussing hairstyle, the black kid was talking about someone having a weave, a white kid did not understand what a weave was, she tried explaining, another(mixed race) said"duh" to the white kid. like she should know. I liked the fact that the black kid told her not to do that because not "some people don't know". wise kid. promoting race relations and keeping the peace.

this is depressing. im out

sod it, i hate hotmail! the whole freaking evening i have been unable to get into my inbox or even the home page. someone told me there is a lot of traffic coz all the kids are back from school. Like, don't they have after school activities? what about hotmail, do they not prepare for emergencies like that? fuck it, i wont take this rubbish!

I just got off the tube a few minutes ago but it it was a very interesting trip. When i got on earlier, three of us rushed in because we saw copies of the metro strewn about on the seats. The girl next to me advanced and pounced on the one by the window, while another girl opposite me grabbed the one on the seat. So i failed to even snare one copy. I gave up and sat silently because i can't seem to read books on the tube these days. I have decided to leave them in the house, and then return them to the library. Back to the issue at hand: The girl who decided to sit across me, the one who grabbed the paper by the window, proceeded to apply make up.

I mean she did the whole hog, took out a mirror, started mixing some cream on her palm, i actually thought it was a balm for her lips as it came from tube. By now i was really intrigued as well as a tad annoyed by the fact that i could be reading that paper instead of it sitting on some girl's lap. So she applied what turned out to be base, wiped it off with a tissue, reapplied it and then decided on the blusher. But it was some liquid thing from a bottle so she dotted both cheeks and vigoriously rubbed it in. It was really impossible not to look. I have never seen anybody apply make-up on the tube, fortunately the carriage wasn't congested, I saw a couple of women glance at her and look away. perhaps they were wishing they had the guts to do what she was doing. At this point I was really more interested in her art of applying make-up but she must have thought i was lamenting about the newspaper. who knows what my facial expression was like?!

Next came the mascara. the one side was greyish i think and then the other side of the tub was black. she applied both. I go on and on about it because i hardly ever put on make up, although i put on some when i met stalker boy for"the date that never was". so all the things people do these days in public become rather fascinating for me. Oh, she did the eyeshadow as well but with her fingers. no brushes, she had to keep digging deep into her bag and meanwhile the metro sat there begging to be perused.

Eventually when we got to oxford circus, she suddenly looked up at me and offered me the paper. She looked contrite and i felt guilty. i really felt bad that she was offering me the paper as if she knew how i must have felt. Except i was over all that. I couldnt even say thanks. I wanted to refuse but i accepted it, gave a wan guilty smile and read it. I had to change trains as well anyway. Why she took it and then put on make up for the better part of the trip is beyond me but i guess most of us are guilty of that. I still have it with me coz i didnt finish reading it.

Im worried that i am running out of money. the work im doing isnt financially viable(yes i know ive bitched on about this) and my roommates are taking advantage of me in some ways. you see i buy stuff that we are missing in the house, toilet papers etc. I have done that twice already, even shopped yesterday because nobody seems to want to go shopping and i cant suffer because they arent doing their bit. so i have decided i will just wait and see. It's like taking out the rubbish. i have been doing that, they dont seem to do it anymore, is it because they think i enjoy doing all that? Im gonna stop, and see what they will do, i mean they must have been doing something before i came along.

The other girl apparently heard our neighbours as well, then she becase sheepish today asking me if i heard her and her boyfriend. I didnt so they must have tantric or silent sex. we both agreed that woman was over the top. amazing!

Im a bit stressed actually. im telling the counsellor today that i want to stop or atleast take the next week off. i wonder if she's going to upset me today telling me i frustrate her. I also need to get out of working on x-mas day for this agency. god, if only i could be doing a different job! is there no god in this world? im seeing one person for 1hr tomorrow, most unfair for me, but i shall soldier on as i have been so far

Miss BodyFat called me last night. she was huffing and panting on the phone, apparently she had walked too fast and she kept coughing. poor thing. The bottom line is she is trying to sell products for herbalife. So her advice to me is to replace my breakfast with a shake that she can sell to me for £45 for thirty days. it should take about six weeks to get my "fat" down, but i can return it after 2weeks if i dont like it. if it's gonna take six weeks why would they refund me only after two weeks. They must think we are fools. tried to get me to buy hair products as well, so I had to finish the conversation as my soup was getting cold. I will continue eating fruit, try to get in more veggies, walk daily and be happy. sod silly products!

Aparently my body is has 39% fat, even though my body mass index(BMI) is only 20. It has to be between 19 and 25 to be healthy. So i am not overweight yet i have too much fat that could cause me a heart attack. what a load of bollocks!

Basically, my curiosity got the better of me when i saw three people(two women and a man) wearing bibs saying:body fat testing and i assumed it was for body mass index. Now, i know how much i weigh and my weight is perfect for my height, i could put on a couple of kilos/pounds and the universe would not disintergrate. So there I was, standing in front of this obese woman. I mean really obese and very short. She took my age, height, weight etc, i told her i thought my BMI was about 20 possibly a little over. It was 20 or 20.2. But then she made me hold some device, which i had to hold straight in front of me with my thumbs on the silver lining. It apparently sent electric waves through my body to get a reading of my body fat. Then i saw a series of numbers running on the screen and it stopped at 39%.

She was so haughty when she told me my body has almost 40% fat. You can imagine how i looked for my jaw on the frozen ground after she said that! I told her that's not possible. She told me she was fat of course but she has good fat, mine is bad. I asked if this had to do with cholestrol, but she was impatient, saying she can give me a call because it's not feasible to talk right there. Bad attitude if you are promoting something. she didnt seem very knowledgeable to me anyway. It was freezing and nobody was stopping there so she might as well have spoken to me.

I think the whole thing is dodgy.Now what is the difference between BMI?body fat?cholestrol and all that? I would imagine if i had that much fat weighing 53kg(ok I gained 1kg recently) i would have looked like her, only worse? how does someone so big tell me she has good fat and i have bad fat when I am not even fat as far as im concerned? I sent a friend a text and she was absolutely horrified. I thought the whole thing was ridiculous and I could laugh about it but my friend kept texting, asking if the person was a doctor and all that. That woman hasn't called, i dont think she will. I asked too many questions that she couldnt answer. But that was something of interest that happened over the weekend.I wonder if they set those little contraptions to a certain percentage so that they alarm women, because naturally it was women who went to get measured. silly people!

She adviced me to eat good carbohydrates, I asked what those were and she said fruit and vegetables. That's when i knew i was dealing with a loony and i must dash off. She is right in that i should stop with the carbs(breads and potatoes) and eat more veggies, and fruit. she says the fat will drop and i will be fine. Wait, why am i even talking about this incident?absolutely ridiculous

I have a friend who just got married. we went to school together. When she emailed and called me to tell me she was getting hitched and to find out if i would make it(she is abroad), she told me not to pass on to my cronies(meaning other people we went to school with). I was always the diplomat, getting along with everyone, she was a bit different: obssesed with weight, an overbearing mum etc so she is still dealing with that. today i received photos, they were sent to many people but her note sad not to pass on unnecessarily. One of my friends said she wouldnt have gone even if she'd been invited, she is still seething from this bride insulting me on a general email going on about how educated she is(as if im not, not that that it would kill me if i wasnt) and a lot of other things. Our other friend who was the bridesmaid always defends her eccentric actions but it can be annoying. It stems from her mum though. Apparently the mother had given her strict instructions not to have a boyfriend till she was 21yrs. im afraid she was kissing boys in the dark when we were 12. she couldnt study what she wanted coz her mum wanted to live her dreams thru her. not nice, so im suprised she let her get married. But the guy is nice if not a bit quiet and im sure he fits in with her world and social aspirations. they looked stunning, i might just post them here and direct her to the site. whats the worst she can do huh?!:p ok i wont be malicious.

The problem with being stuck between appointments with the kind of job i do is that you spend precious pounds unnecessarily. I went to a dodgy restaurant in east sheen, ate a nasty chicken burger which i couldnt finish(plus the fries). The bun smelt stale even though it was toasted, I expected the chicken to be grilled and to look like chicken and not a nugget. I dont eat those. So I wrote a little list of all the things i have to do immediately and worked out how much money i had wasted during the day. was quite shocking.

I was able to enter the flat, roommates came after 11:30pm, i was in bed already. The neighbors(i cant tell whether they are upstairs or on the same floor kept me awake the other day. Now either the woman was busy faking or the guy was doing her good. Gosh, at first i thought someone was being hurt, then it became obvious that it was someone's idea of being in the throes of passion. Not a squeak from the guy though. nothing. I wondered if maybe it was a movie. I would like to meet that woman and wink at her and run off. She did the same for about 5seconds yesterday, just when i was catching sleep but she faded into oblivion. maybe she couldnt be bothered. maybe he came too quickly and couldnt be bothered to carry on for her. whichever, none of my business.

I have so many appointments to keep this week, i cant. i wont. its too much.

peace

the past two days have been horrendous for me. I am having a most horrendous experience with the cold since i always run away to a sunny place in winter. just my luck that i cant get away this year and so have to endure the worst winter in 50 or 100 years(depending on who informs us).

There was a time when i spent 3 consecutive years in winter. Skiing away in America and all that. I have now been trying to do the summer thing and im truly finding it hard to acclimatise.

i wont bitch about work this weekend. lets just say it's been same old same old. stuck at bus stops, going to clients where i can't gain entry, freezing my fingers off. Oops, i did say i wont bitch so i will leave it right there.

Actually no, one more thing: i woke up roomates last night whern i got home. sent them texts to come get me in. the one was with her boyfriend in her room, she came down on the lift while the other had thrown the key down to me. I said sorry but really thi9s has to stop. I told them so. otherwise i will not pay rent(i think im lying to myself on this one coz they will throw me out.

I had a call from a friend. more like a blast from the past really. I havent heard from him in almost a year, he wants to see me, thinks i want him and therefore must have me. i told him it was gratifying to know he is still the same. a horny bastard. we are cool, but he needs to chill. i dont understand why some guys will persue a girl who was persued by their friend before. ok, i didnt get far with the friend because i wouldnt put out when we first met(I didnt even know his last name.) so he thought i was a waste of time and two of his friends kept running after me. stupid, but im good friends with one of them, this one, is dangerous and i stick to meeting him in public. he wouldnt harm me but u never know.

i have lost my trian of thoughts so am gonna bow out now. (Brain freeze!)

Something odd happened today. Perhaps in the greater scheme of things it was normal. but i found it strange. I was walking along Regents street trying to get Esprit. I really just wanted to sit upstairs in their starbucks and read my newspaper in peace. For once starbucks actually made a perfect "extra-hot latte". But thats besides the point.

Before i entered the shop i was accosted by a seemingly drugged out woman.Her eyes were wild, she thrust a yellow paper flower at me and told me it's to get donations for their children. I suppose I must have looked confused,so she qualified and told me they are gypsies and they are getting money for the children for christmas. This left me a bit tongue-tied I suppose. I asked where she was from, she said Kent. and again repeated the line about getting monmey for the kids. It was so bizarre, I kept repeating myself, she kept glancing about wildly and saying the same thing.

What i really wanted to ask her was what the money was for and why wasn't she at work. Understandably they are "travellers" which in a way would explain today under such extreme temeratures(for me anyway). I am not making fun, but i really did not understand why they would stand outside, with pathetic paper flowers so they could get money for kids. At first I thought she was from a charity. I think I actually asked, which put us in that repetition mode. So asked her if she wanted money. Stupid I know, but i seemed to have taken leave of mt senses on top of feeling frozen all over.

I fished around my battered wallet and came out with a measly 70p. Other people were able to escape her partner in crime, but perhaps that was because she wasnt as pushy, or as wild. Has anyone seen thid before? Is there no other way to get you kids stuff for christmas?I am not sure I liked what i saw. In fact i didn't. she did not evoke any feelings of sympathy from me, She does not seem to be living in the streets, she is just making money for christmas. Hell, i would like someone to raise funds in my honour so i can have a decent meal or christmas! I wondered what they would do with the money. are they alcoholics? do they buy food? but then i was getting too involved.

I promptly went into the shop, admired all the beautiful clothes I couldnt affort and had my latter while reading the paper. Yes, everyone including clinton now is raving on about how iraq is a mistake. do we actually care? why dont they castrate themselves, cut out their tongues so they can't continue to lie to us and then pile themselves up in a rubble so their skins stick to the ground like they have done to those recently found iraqis? while they are at it, why dont they gas themselves with that phosphorous gas? afterall, the amout they used against the iraqi is in line with the international laws(which they have flountes), so dick cheney will have us know.

Enough politics, i couldnt care less. I still dont have the security tag thing, I am getting inpatient with my room mates. the one girl feels truly awful that i have to suffer, but i want results. They must either give me one of their theirs or sort this mess out. I will be working the entire weekend, they will be out the whole time. Im fucked! so i am slowly burning inside and im afraid i might just explode.

I think i need to detoxify. I have a cold, which is making me grumpy, one of the clients i look for likes to be my mummy, giving me tips and literally being mother-hen. it's ok, but i can deal without it. Anyway, im feeling a bit sluggish and thats because of my steady diet of carbohydrates and starch. So i need to cleanse myself and feel whole again, corny as that sounds. you just feel it when everything is not right.

I am now reaching a point of desperation with this work, I got a schedule this morning, it's been changed twice since i left the office and so i am in the same situation i m always in at the weeknd. The other manager is definitely better at organising than the present one. I refused to do a call at 7am. I dont fancy getting up at 5:30am. She warned me about some critical guy, wouldnt go into details when i asked what was wrong with him exactly(one would think the info would be important). needless to say, he perished today so I dont have to see him tomorrow. He was in a bad way, it could've happened on my call. they should tell us these things honestly.

Oh, stalker boy called. I answered without looking at my phone coz i had t0o fish it out of my pockets and thought it was a friend whose call i was expecting. he reckons he owes me a date. i told him he doesnt owe me anything. I couldnt see him yesterday i said coz i was with a friend which was true(not that i would have). he said today wasnt good for him(assuming i would meet him), he had a date, I told him that was great. he seemed baffled by my reaction and said actually it wasnt a date he was just seeing friends. whatever, i really shouldnt waste time on this boy. but he wasnt as pushy so maybe he is becoming a man...fat chance!

so another week bites the dust and the madness of christmas creeps closer.

peace

Today was wasted. I stayed over at my friend's place. She had outdone herself cooking and as usual she insisted that myself and another girl eat more and more and more. I had a helping and a half but only because i chose to. She had three helpings plus dessert plus coke plus god-knows-what-else!

But it was good to eat home cooked food by a competent cook. As usual we had a bitch-fest, mostly about the sorry state of our lives or seemingly non-existent careers. It's funny whenever she puts herself down i always point out all the positive things she does. She needs to go easy on herself and i need to take my own advice. I truly think she did not get a lot of jobs she went for because she is obese. She has given up on agencies, or on job applications so it's pointless to try and drum that home.The good thing is she is going to paris on holiday(although i think the timing is wrong) so that should at least bring some happiness. she bitches about the holiday being on credit card. i reckon it's better than having clothes for the same amount on the credit card!)

The agency called me at 6:45. I was having a nice dream. Nothing sexual, actually it was a millitary battle but the fascinating thing was how this particular soldier was able to eliminate the enemies. very good strategies he employed. Ok, you probably think i have taken leave of my senses but i haven't. I don't know why im having these strange dreams. Anyway, i woke up to the tone of my mobile which sounded annoying at that time.I did not answer. They did not leave a message. I didnt call back, but they called later this afternoon to offer me a couple of assignments tomorrow. I accepted. I got nothing to lose.

I had planned to devote today to more jobhunting and updasting and improving my CV. I did neither. Instead, i played on the net, went window shopping in the west end. squeezed myself into a size6 jean, had a quarter of my booty exposed in this jean, laughed about it and moved on. I bought a nice sweater in zara for 6 pounds. They are having sales i suppose. I cant find boots that fit me properly anywhere. It's very frustrating. The good thing is i did not go splashing and putting everythijg on my credit card, which is non-functional at the moment anyway. Usually when im feeling shit like i did today i go shopping or spend money on rubbish. i dont regret it immediately but it usually comes after.

I found that the milk in the fridge had leaked into my friend's salmon and was all over the place. For some reason i got into a panic, cleaned up everything(there goes her salmon), even contemplated buying her fresh salmon. I think i felt bad because i bought the milk even though we are all using it and i felt she would blame me. how silly am i?! I sent her a text to let her know, milk had spilt, i cleaned up, said nothing about the salmon. I mean i wasnt there last night so who knows what happened. she said thanks and sounded grateful. Now what is my issue? I supose i still feel like it's their place and not mine and i'm really being ridiculous. I know that.

I asked some woman to let me in this morning. she told me she was doing it coz ashe cant leave me out in the cold. Does that mean she wouldnt have done it otherwise even though i told her my friends were out? I need this thing sorted, pronto! I am having a talk with them when i see them, it is most unfair. I hope they dont blame me for the milk. I know it's irrational but you never know with people. I have had enough bad experiences to know ridiculous things like that happen.

I am meeting a friend from Cumrbia tomorrow. he is down here for a conference.It wil be great to see him, i have escaped to his place twice when i was feeling snowed under. the one old man says he can try and see if there isnt anyone who can duplicate the security tag thing for me. but he has been asking to have a drink with me for a long time. thats the one with multiple mobile phones. dodgy..a bit. I was supposed to meet with the guy i met with my friend in east london last week. he called thins morning to say he chipped a tooth and is having it taken out. Was suprised he was able to speak but i guess i believe him. afterall he is the one who's been texting and wanting to meet. Then there is geezer, whom im going to avoid for a few days, food or no food. stalker boy hasnt called since monday. perhaps he got the message, in which case, there might just be a god afterall.

i ned to be more productive and have direction. have a bit of a cold now, but i think it's almost under control. so no licentious activities for the moment. maybe i will join a dating agency. do those things work?

later

Usually i dream when i am stresed out or when there is an issue playing havoc with my mind. Early this morning though i had a sex dream.It was very vivid. That mean the man's face was very clear, could be nayone off the street, he was Italian, not very tall(but they arent renowned for their height are they?!) and older. Meaninglate 40s i even think he was balding a little bit. I woke up before it got too detailed, but it was a bit freaky. maybe he is my future italian stallion!!

I went to the meeting at old geezer's yesterday. I think his protege calls these meetings really as an excuse to have old geezer cook. and he did. penne pasta,plun tomatoes,tuna, chillies,anchovies and god knows what else was in there. he even put in yoghurt. it was great. see he doesnt put salt in anything he cooks coz he has high blood pressure but his food is always so delicious. we had wine and finished of with cofee. the protege was really hyperactive. I wondered if he was on drugs but geezer assured me he wasnt, that is how he is most of the time. he wanted to spring clean the house, ended up breaking the mop. I did the dishes cos really when it comes to domestic activities geezer is a no-hoper!

geezer was flirting outrageously with me. hed wait for his friend to leave the room and whisper that he keeps looking at my tits. when i went it he said"nice jeans". i have to admit they looked good. there is either good or bad jeans on a female form but i was pretty sure this pair did me justice. he noticed, clever bugger. he then said to me" are you fucking anybody?" I was a bit taken aback! he said because if im not then maybe we could... i asked him if people actually ask others such questions. maybe im living in the dark ages but i cant believe people are so direct.

Shame, stalker boy called, I didnt pick up. he left a message, sounded sad and asked me to please cal me back. Geezer thought it was funny when i said it was a boy stalking me. he said i could have fun with the boy and play games. I told him, i am not interested in stalkers but his friend said something intereting: he said there is a fine line between stalking and persuing. they are "stalkers" if u dont like them and "persuins" you if u like them. I think there is some truth in that. I could have liked the boy as a friend but the fact that whne we first spoke he was going on about his exes and was planning to lock me in a room with him at 11pm so we could get to know each other in in the biblical sense?! I think i would rather read the bible or learn to smoke the holy herb! total turn off that boy

Im gonna start having problems entring the flat. the reception guy who always opens for me was asking what i wopuld do when he isnt around and that maybe i should get that security tag thing. well obviously i cant but i spoke to my room mate today. I dont need that stress. I have been worried about it since they re hardly ever home and i have had to depend on this person, but really i got a raw deal. i put myself in the situation, it was my best option out of the options i had.

Going to dinner at a friend's in richmond. she will cook atleast three dishes im sure. i will have to ward off her encouragement to eat eat eat because she does that a lot herslef and i cant be drawn into that. I have thretened not to eat at her place in the past because i felt forced to eat as much as her when i kept sdaying no, she wouldnt accept it. Weight is her issue, she should eat when she wants and not feel bad about it because it's her choice.

I am coming down with a bug, definitley. sore throat, went thru 5 strepsil already and my voice is a bit throaty. that would be sexy under differnt circumstances but not today. Im seeing the therapist today. I wont discuss the dream, i dont think she will get it, i might talk about my mother if she alows it. I was thinking asbout her and her suffering yesterday and felt really sad.

peace

I am either hallucinating or there is a ghost in my new place.Nothing sinister but i am beginning to wonder about little occurences regarding my glasses. You see over the weekend I have repeatedly found my spectacles where they shouldn't have been. On friday night, i found them in the bathroom window sill, having left them in their case downstairs in the lounge. I was pretty sure of having done that but wondered if perhaps i had gone up to the bathroom and letf them there. I even suspetced that my roomamte might have done it but it was a ridiculous thought really.

So resolved to be more vigilant. Last night, i can swer on my parents' graves(why do people do that?) i left them in my little sarchel bag downstairs again. This morning, i got up, had a bath, went downstairs to boil water for tea and switched on the telly. I wasnt wearing my glasses, because it was really for the noise background and i can do without them, but when i went up to the room, my glasses were on the window sill, almost frozen, coz it's so cold. that baffled and freaked me out a bit. At no time did i wear my glases this morning. im pretty sure i left them downstairs last night, but now i am already questioning my own sanity. how crazy is that? i am sitting here, wondering if I took them up after having tea last night and left them out to freeze. But this is illogical and i am adamant that it wasn't my own doing.

So is there a ghost or a message im not getting? i wonder. ofcourse when i looked in my glass case they weren't there. well duh! they wouldnt be would they? Crazy but im begiining to think something is up. perhaps im paranoid but....

I have been eating too much starch: bread, potatoes,even pizza which i'm not particularly into. i have to stop it. Strangely enough, my weight has stayed the sdaem although i feel like im geting bigger. maybe i just need to get toned again.

I spent a couple of hrs at old geezers on friday. His youngish friend who is doing websites called me up. they were supposed to host a dinner, which they never confirmed with me and so he called as if i was late. I went anyway, there was someone else there, who lavished compliments on me, i said thank you but felt myself blushing a little bit. So now youngish guy wants us to meet today to help him with some work. this is the same person whio, when i asked how he wanted me involved in his thing kept saying well, we are all different and so he wants to just take everything as it comes so we all get to know one another. what?? i thought to myself. now he expects me to turn up whenever because he has decided he wants me on board. I am setting a few things straight today. My time is mine and so if he reqiures some of it, he will have to be clear and book it in advance. to they think im a doormat?

There was a little do somewhere on Portobello Road apparently, i declined to go. he leaned down to give me a kiss, or for me to kiss him. i pecked him on the lips(well he didnt exactly give me his chee), but that was ok. Now i hope he isnt getting ideas. geezer got a little peck as well. He got excited by that! i dont mean physically although i couldnt tell if thathad been the case. i will attribute that to three glasses of good red wine. but it was cool as well.

The weekend care work did not go without dranma as usual. there is a woman who wants me to come to her regularly. she called up the agency to request me. the agency gave me some shit story about the other woman not being able to cope because her mom had the same problem(bowel cancer). total rubish because this woman told me she is going to request me because she thinks im a good communicator and have an easy manner. she can talk to me even about her spiritual beliefs because im open-minded. I thought it was nice of her to say that, but i cant do her full time. i want to get out of the work, it's erratic, disorganised and i cant deal with it anymore. so i did not answer the woman at the office, she said maybe i should leave college and work full-time for her(the office). i thought she'd taken leave of her senses. but im sure it was done in jest.

anwya, the struggle continues to get something for the christmas season so i dont have to sell one of my organs to opay for next months rent. Yes it has come to that.

I had a good rant and rave at my bank this morning. My credid card gets declined because it has been updated, i never recieved the new card and they keopt sending me new pins. i have spoken to a million people at this bank and today i decide to go in and ask whoever to speak to the cred dept directly. they always say they dont deal with that because it's a different branch. I threatened to take my business elsewhere(i dont care if I have zero balance, im still a customer), so in the next few days appatrently i will get a call to come pick up my card. jesus, what am i to do? the guy kept say he understood where i was coming from. i dont think he did but he is obviously green and eager to help and i appreciated that. That will be one ghost laid to rest the card issue.

later

why do potential employers ask such risiculous questions on application forms? I am sitting here, going through websites, trying to fil out application forms at least for the christmas season jobs. and the questions are just ridiculous. especially when it comes to customer service. I cant tell them I really do not like people especialy when they get obnoxious and think you are nothing because you are to serve them.

Insteas, I have to sit there, think up situation where igave customer service and how I reacted when thinks go pearshaped. It's annoying and i cant go on. I shall, for the sake of saving my ass.

agancy hasnt called, will have to get up at 5:30 on saturday again to go and care. not looking forward to it but i am worried that i wont be able to afford rent in the next six weeks. Maybe i should fill out all those silly forms.

Old geezer is supposed to be hosting a diner party tommorow. he really didnt want to do it. it was the little friend who was insisting. dunno if i can make it. feeling a bit despondent after a morning on a high. whats eating the princess, i wonder.

later

I am at that point whwere I feel I have nothing to write about. yet there is a lot of things swirlig around in my evercharged brain.

Lets see: i was suppoed to go to a friend's to fetch my stuff thatshe has been holding for me for almost a year now. just some clothes and books. god, my stuff is all over the place. I was on the tube at earl's court I think when i got a call from My older male friend's friend. Ok let me call the old man "Smooth". The friend is one who came with us to dinner on friday to the "almost-80yr old" who said he would do me if he was 30 yrs younger. well he could be my grandpa, or worse.

anyway, after that dinner this guy had said we should meet, at Smooth's place. I have been summoned previously, on the pretext on having a business proposal for me. but i guess he just wanted to suss me out. Smooth later told me he didnt htink he would hire me or ask me to work with him(he makes websites and needs managers for other things). so i let it go. but then he has seen me a couple of times since and maybe i am warming up to him. i suppose last night was a bonding session, coz when he stepped out Smooth asked me if the bobding was going well.he mostly talked about the business they were trying to start but then when i asked how he wants me involved(i really cant do this whole wooing thing over months), he said because he doesnt know me or my routines then he prefers to just take everything as it comes and let us find out about each other. whatever. we had wine, the onversation was good, at the end he said he looked forward to a long working relationship. he wants to host a diner party on friday and wants me to come. why cant people just be straight?

oh, and i sent deciever a text since he had called last week. Yeah i know i havent said much about that. I thought he wouldnt responsed, i was willing him not to, yet anticipating it. (im hopeless). It was just to say we should get together for dinner or something before he leaves the country). he responded, apologised for not getting basck to me, said he is busy working blh, blah, i shoudl ring him or he will ring when he gets a moment. that was good enough. i will not be calling. since he is the busy one, he can call. There is no point though, its a dead-end.

So i never made it to my friend's i missed chaning tubes zt earls court, went got off in fulhan broadwaym, went to have a nice dinner alone then went back where i proceeded to go round in circles having been lost.

I bought a few things for the flat. I bought some food and fruit for myself and told my roomies that it was for all of us. I still wont be drawn into doing the food together and stuff. But thern i bought milk and the other girl bought it as well. I guess there is logic in doing things together or communicating about it. I still feel a little self-conscious about eating there though, which is ridiculous. I mean, it is my place as well and we dont have to do thigs together.

I forgot my phone today, you know when you go into a room and you forget what you are looking for? I remembered on the tube, it was too late to go back seeing how i dont have the seurity thing to enter. Im surev the agency has tried to call me about wok tomorrow. they can go jump as far as im concerned, although i did ask f they had something and she said she'd call today.

therapist was much nicer yesterday. she let me ramble, I caught myself and apologised and she said i should do ramble because its things i need to talk about. I needed that last week. but i did leave smiling. i do have to say, i am not completely cxomfortable with her, but since we have limited sessions, and we are half way there at four, it's fine.
thats it

You gotta hand it to that boy. I'm starting to think he is at the early stages of becoming an obsessed fan, or sex-starved maniac. whichever. He called yesterday, i did not answer. He sent a text to say " call me as soon as you get this". I totally ignored it, but then, he phoned again later in the evening. I took a chance and answered since it was a private call and it could be anybody. I hate people hiding their IDs icluding businesses sometimes.

Anyway, he said he'd be in London today, i told him i was busy, gonna get the rest of my stuff from my friend who lives in Richmond. That's quite a distance from west lOndon. He wanted me to go and meet him in Acton Town(do i hear echos of our last encounter?? ooohh i shuddered to think). He asked how long that would take, i said "look i will not be able to see you tomorrow night, it will take a while". he asked if i needed any help and i thought to myself"he cant know where I live". Is he relentless or what? as mush as he thinks he is great looing and girls throw themselves at him, i think he is sadly deluded. Otherwise why would he come across so deperately and ignore my telling him to really leave me alone and move on?

But it gets better: He then asked me why I dont get another room, I said "excuse me, but why would i want to do that when i have just moved to this place?" I mean the gall of that boy. He said because he would be in London for up to three days and it would just be easier if i had my own place so he could stay there with me instead of looking for a hotel or some place to stay. I belive for a few seconds I was rendered speechless! absolutely gobsmacked! I almost alughed heyterically but then remebered he misinterpretes laughs like that to mean you are really into him. So i told him, there is no way i am doing that. Couldn't muster enough energy to get explain I am not his woman or girlfriend or whatever. He has known me for five minutes, the first three he hoped we would spend the night together in some dingy hotel (maybe a hostel you never know), but then divinity intervened, by way of his uncle's father dying. Now in these 2minutes, he is trying to convince himself that we are together and that I need to move out from this place in order to accomodate him...a stranger. It's no longer funny anyway.

Reminds me of that older guy(he might not be that old actually) at the tube station, who will call and leave messages like"i never asnwewr the phone for him, why am i ignoring him, and he says im sensitive when i ask why he leaves messages like that. Lesson: I shoud not give out my number to anyone, even if they seem decent and of a sound mind. YOu just never know.What am i gonna do with the kid? being straighforward doesnt help and i feel bad droping the phone on him. maybe if i just dont answer for many days he will get it but i doubt it. Still funny.

The guy I met with my friend in East London on thursday sent a text yesterday confirming he had a good time talking and we should meet again and continue the conversation. I assume it would be me alone since we exchanged numbers without the friend. BUt then i wondered if i should ask about her tagging along. Probably not. I was a bit tipsy and for a while he reminded me of another friend. But i sobered up the next day. I would still like to meet him again, especially that politics and research are hi specialty. During the day at a coffee shop, if people still do such. As for the boy: he can forget it.

I did the assignment, gueesing everything, i hope to god i get 50% and will work extra hard on the next one to compensate. Its a pity because I usually get an A+ for this subject, so there it goes. Doesnt matter at this point.

Glad to say, things so far are going ok with the new girls, i dont spend too much time with them and when we meet we can chat about boys or life in general, but i still want to have my own space coz that girl obviously has a way of doing things in her room. oh well, not too long hopefully.

I'm going to see that therapist in about 30mins and this is her last chance really. last week was not very good for me. Im trying her last time and if i feel it is not going good at the end if she asks if i want to continue, i will decline. It might be to my detriment as I am now considering meeting up with deciever. No its not like that...maybe it is, he is going away, i am glad he is leaving the country for a few months, i want to say goodbye, probably a bad idea, will mull over that.

gotta rush, if anyone knows of ways to tell people to fuck off in a nice way sop they get the message p[lease tell me because it isnt working for me so far.

Later....

I'm having one of those mornings where I am feeling rather despondent. I have discovered that a book I am meant to use for my assgment(all the answers are in it) has disappeared. I have searched everywhere, and worse, i am wondering if it's not at my cousin's place who is nowhere near me. It's due in 3days and im going bonkers.

My weekend was rather chaotic. Well, it probably wasn't but it felt like that. I dont think i can do this carework anymore. That is not because i do not like helping those poor or rich old people. I just want to be well-informed about what i am getting into and to be able to work with as little stress as possible. First,i feel when a client has to be seen by two carers then they should be given each other's phone numbers in case something happens. So of course i went to one house and waited and waited, eventually agency cals when im supposed to leave that the one women is sick. By the time i left that house, i was too late to give supper to the next man. that's the one who barked at me, told me to go away and I was so terrifed that i told the agency i didnt think i could make it for sunday. The just laughed. I was close to tears!

Then the next ones kept sending me away but, i think they have a bit of alzeimer's. I always have to ask what the problem is with whoever im going to see, so that im prepared. i think that's sensible. The one women has cancer, she has a catheter and col..(well the bag for poo). I wasnt warned as as much as I have had a cathter stuck in me, you need to be shown how to open it and close it etc. So the whole weekend was very trying, having to get up at 5:30am. Not that i could make it for my AP at 7am. there is no transport in london at that time, god!

Anyway, the whole weeknd was very disterssing, clutching my A-Z, trying to familiarise myself with the buses and having irate old people waiting. I am done, i am depleted. the angency called me today to ask how i felt about a couple of the clients. It would seem they've had several people, they can't cope, so i will do it. I dont want to. bloddy hell. I was tuck in the rain till 9pm both days. NOt happy.

I had a dream a bout deciever that i can't remeber this morning and i have been feeling a little apprehensive since. MOst of the time i remember my dreams and work out what they mean.

On friday though, I went to see the old geezer, his one friend came(a youngish guy) and geezer really did not want him there. He had brought weed for both of them, geezer decided we should go to his friend's(who is almost 80 but looks about 55, seriously!)for dinner.
It was wonderful, he was regaling us with stories, he has such a great sense of humor and he can keep geezer in line. afterall he could be his dad even though they are friends. there was another woman there. The old man knew her grandfather who died in world war 2 or something. she is an artist. We had some kind of chicken curry, wine flowed freely, but smoking is band and so all geezer could do with his young friend was endure.

The old man was firlting with me. says he doesnt do much fucking these days(his words) but if he was 30 years younger he would do me. I could not belive he said that, we all just laughed. My loss?

That was just about the highlight of