My mind rested. I am back to face my demons again. I arrived in Cumbria on wednesday afternoon, my friend who is very prompt and organised came to pick me up at the coach station and fussed a little bit, wanting to know what i wanted to do and giving me options for the weekend. He was going to a friend's wedding in Leeds on friday and said he'd spoken to his friends and i was welcome to tag along. So we went to yorkshire on thursday, stayed with a couple(friends of his) and went to the wedding on friday. well, i only attended the reception. I'd never been to Leeds, so i kinda walked around the town centre, had coffee and read a romance novel at starbucks(those mills and boons variations can get really raunchy and make you feel...well you know!.

There had bheen confusion in my discussion with my friend. I thought the wedding was on saturday, so when everyone dresed up i thought it was for something else. I was lugging my weekend bag around, the wife(half of the couple we were staying with), was confused, It only became clear on the ride that it was D-day. fortunately i had taken clothes to change coz i thought we were staying over in Leeds.

Nonetheless, i met some interesting people, most one weird, hyperactive guy and his wife were teling us about a book called perfume(dont want to remember the author). basically it's about smells, bodily smells, smells of death being bottled. werid stuff and they were sooo excited about it. i think if someone had taken a picture of the group being addreed, s/he would have wondered where our jaws were! we were aghast with horror.

So we watched the shitty soccer match against austria and were glad when it was over. We made our way back to carlisle, had burger king on the way(my first in 3yrs) but there are no trestaurants in the middle of nowhere.

On sunday, i sort of vegetated in the house and did nothing while he went cycling. I watched videos with his younger brother:the Last Samurai and The school of rock. I was really glad to just do nothing, did not return phone messages, i was just determined to be.

we went bowling, my first time really. i didnt do too badly. four siblings plus me! they have their issues with one another but i thought it was great that they were all spending time together and having fun, and it was also for my benefit. I slept well, even though i bhave been suffering from Insomnia for the past 2weeks. I think it was staying in a clean place, with people who cared about me and eating good food.

My friend can cook, even if he takes sauces out of bottles or cans for the pasta or whatever. I like a man who can cook for me. The last time I was there, there were vibrations in the air between us. this time,no. I thought it was a pity last night, being in his huge king size bed and him being upstairs in the other room. some people think its weird that we are completely palotnic but it is possible. I appreciate the friendship more right now and wouldnt want to fuck up anything because i have been going thru shit.I think he is aware of that too, although things get a bit confusing sometimes. Do you know about mirroring? we were doing that at the bar before going to the reception. crossing arms at the same time, doing everything the same. they say when people do that it means they are attracted to each other. it wasnt evn deliberate i just sorta noticed.that's besides the point though, he is a good friend and i am glad to have him in my life

I bam seeing the shrink tomorrow for an assessment. I do feel better, although slighly sad having come back from a near euphoric week. but i cant hide away forever and even if i feel a whole lot better i still need guidance.

lets hope things get better and better. Im very tired and i know this is a bit crappy but it has been a few days.

Later