I went to see my GP earlier this morning. Told her about my panic attacks, the soory state of my life, living condition,suicidal tendencies blah,blah, then proceeded to tell her that i would like to be referred to a pyschologist. She asked me if i didnt want pills rather because they might work faster. I told her i thought the root cause of those attacks stem from emotional and psychological issues im grappling with. She still wanted to give me pills on top of a referral but said she is a bit scared i might take them all and kill myself. So she asked me to be honest and tell her if i intended to do that. I thought it was the most bizarre coversation!

She acknowledged that I was intelligent and was aware of my problem and was seeking help. I dont want to pop pills, i dont think they would help me at this point(maybe i do need them) but hell, she is putting ideas into my head. I made it clear to her that i do not want to die or kills myself even if i feel like that sometimes. she said how about she holds on to the prescription for me for a bit? I told her if i felt the urge to harm myself i will call a friend.

That was really srange. I felt like i was falling thru something. Actually that ache is starting again in my chest. maybe she should've given me breathing exercises instead of prescribing pills which i dont want.

I had given myself tasks to complet today. it looks like today will end without me completing any of them. Am I bothered? I bloody well should be. Job, decent place to stay, studies.

I keep saying i want peace of mind. To me that is a roof under my head and my own space. Where i am eking out my existence at the moment and the people I live with...well it's a miracle i havent vomitted my guts outs. I cant eat, sleep do anything.

anyway, enough bitching, the GP assured me a cousellor will call me tomorrow for an assessment next week. she wrote a letter. asking if my childhood was happy, whwre are my parents siblings etc. why do they always think everything boild back to childhood? isnt that just playing a blame game? It looks like the cousellor will have a lot on her hands.

I gotta dash, i cant breath properly at the mo...
later