:pI could not go to bed without writing about this. The boy....well, he was just that...a boy! what a waste of my time, what a bizarre "date".

This is what happened: I left college early so I could go and prepare for the date. that means do hair, a bit of make up some lipgloss, nothing major knowing i was meeting a boy. I should've known it was going to be a dramatic evening when, on the bus towards high street kensington, a couple of kids dressed up for halloween got on. The one kid had a snake around her neck! Okay it was rubber but it looked very much alive to me. I have a fear of snakes, it has abated somewhat but i still cannot touch or look at anything rubbery even if it's sweets, as long as it resembles the serpent.

Anyway,He'd said to meet in Acton town, wasn't specific about what we were gonna do there, i didn't press him. Well, i got to Acton town, he came to meet me, having called and said he will be a little late. I asked where we were going when he directed me back into the tube station. Asked me if i had my own room or was sharing. he then decide we should go to the movies somewhere in south london, he hates central, etc. Already i was thinking, this is not on, but then it was early i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

we go down to victoria, he asked all sort of questions, typical of a boy: where is your boyfriend,m how old are you. very rude really. I asked him which boyfriend, he asked how many i had. the expression on his face was priceless. He tried to pass himself of as 29, but then said he was born in 1977, which would make him 28 by my quick calculations. I told him he was between 22-25, but i would settle for 24yrs max even though i thought he was 23. He is 24! so we got the age thing out of the way, but the whole time he was telling me about all these girls he went out with, and he had to say how pretty they all were. If i was 16 or even 20yrs I would probably have felt a twinge of jealousy but all i could do was laugh. im pretty confident im myself, just as he was arrogantly so in how he looked.

At VBictoria station we went past the lingerie shop, knickerbox, he asked me whether i wear those sort of things. Hello, is the pope catholic? Course I do. then he slapped my bum and asked if i was wearing a thong. didnt see that coming:p of course i was wearing a thong. why was he asking rhetorical questions? honestly. but i did warn him off.

The next thing,m he was telling me he needs to drop something off at his Uncles, I should wait at the cinema and he will call when he was on his way back. Now i was thinking this boy is really taking the piss and he ain't aiming straight! I decided to go to McDonalds, had their little coke, then went to the cinema and waited. I could not believe what i was doing to myself, waiting for what was evidently disastrous. Oh, on the train, he was still going on about his conquests and he told me how girls throw themselves at him so he doesnt even have to... "work hard for it" i finished for him. When he said how good looking , no actually these were his actual words" I know i am good looking, i dont care what anybody says, it's very clear how good looking i am", i burst out laughing. another woman stiing next to where i was standing nudged me on the hip and we laughed even further. Boy looked a bit confused, asked us why we were laughing. I asked the woman i#f she heard what he'd said, then we laughed some more. So he then asked me if i was chagning my mind about him, i said no, i was just absorbing everything. he sounded like Junior deciever and that made me laugh even more when i thought about it.

so when i was about to call him and calcel, he calles and says he's had bad news, the uncle's dad died. Uncle had just told him. I said i was sorry and will see him another time, but he was pressing me for tomorrow. said he had intended to spend the night with me anyway. how presumptous! How arrogant! Said we should meet tomorrow night at 11pm and we will find somewhere like a hotel. Jesus, i remember asking him if he didnt say he l;ives in Milton-keynes, and then asking where he would be staying tonight, he said he was finding a hotel, he cant stay at the uncles. So the little bugger was planning his night with me in mind. Gosh! I said no, i casnnot meet him at 11pm(or any time for that matter i think), but he was persistant. so he says he will call to confirm everything for tomorrow.

How laughable is that? It was either him or deceiver tonights. I had more laughs than anything and will tell the boy gently tomorrow that i am keeping my legs firmly crossed as far as he is concerned.
But i can forgive him. he is young and gullible. Oh, he doesnt use buses, god, no. it';s either trains aor tubes, never buses. they are beneath him i guess, even if they can get him to some places faster than a tube can.

I rest my case with boys and men

Amen

I emailed my lecturer my proposal which i finished yesterday afternoon after slaving over it on saturday through Sunday afternoon. I got my dates confused. She wanted it before the 31stOctober, but since i think her understanding of the language is questionable i decided she meant "by" the said date. I frantically tried to finish thinking yesterday(sunday) was the 31st! As it turned out, I finished with a day to spare. I was alerted to all this by my friend whose computer i was using to type the paper. I was glad to have finished on time but wondered if I wouldn't have slacked off knowing i had an extra day.

For a paper that was done literally in one day, i was expecting total rejection and excessive criticism, but the dragon's comments, which were waiting for me this morning weren't too bad.
She has asked me to modify my title(knew we had a problem there) and limit my scope. So now i can't investigate USA and UK, I have to concentrate on one country. I could do the study on American media, because there is so much eveidence there to show how the media and politicians work together to dupe people, but she would probably tell me to concentrate here. Not sure it can be done. She also wants me to concentrate on one mediun. Either print or electronic. Why cant i concentrate on both? she says it makes the study to wide, but i dont see how.

anyway, now i need to decide whether to concentrate on newspaper reports or television reports. any suggestions out there?

She said i did not acknowledge my sources, but then i did not quotes text directly, I read over stuff and used my own words to explain that although i indicated where the info came from. I told her what research design i am going to use and why. she says i need to explain my research design. Im stumped now. I can see this is going to be a very difficult 6mnths. the paper is due by May next year.

But in all fairness, since i have not done this sort of thing before i am sure she is trying to help(well, as much as she can), she didn't say to rewrite it, so i wont but will email her and ask her to clarify some things. I will have to be careful not to sound impatient. But im suprised she got it this morning and responded already. I wonder how many people are also doing research and dissertaions in my course. It might help if i knew other people on the same boat.By the way, my spelling was impeccable, not at all like on my blog

I met a boy last week, i think i mentioned it. a boy because really he sounded like one. Who still talks about high school and that sort of thing. He was also boasting about speaking fluent french having lived in Canada, etc, (like i care), but i indulged him and gave him my number when he asked. So we are meeting later today, he didnt say for what, so i guess we will see when we meet. I have never been to acton town, thought it was a strange choice, i suggested the west end since it's central but then, you never know. I dont think there is a chance of me being kidnapped and i will let a coupla people know. it might turn out ok. Im not sweating over it although im wearing my jeans whcih show off my booty best. I had low, low rise ones on but then i dont want him staring where he shouldn't, having noticed that first time when me and my friend ignored him! Aah, he just called now, to remind me about our meeting. Very eager he is. he will have to slow down!:p

God, yesterday some drunken guy missing a few teeth, with a stitch across his throat coz someone tried to kill him nearly died on the bus! basically he was coming down the stairs on the bus, and as it always happens, the bus driver decided to pull off at that very moment. I watched in horror as he tumbled down and literally flew down and fall flat on his face next to me. The noise was so horrible that i thought he had cracked his skull open. The driver came out, shouted at him and asked he was drunk until someone pointed out he was bleeding...from the mouth. His bunch of bananas were scattered all over, when he looked me and told me he'd bitten his tongues thru i felt the hairs on my head standing up.They still do even now.

This was around 10:30pm, i was moving some of my stuff to the girls I am supposed to move in with. so we waited for the ambulance(driver called), i had to stay there, and be a witness. as much as he reeked of alcohol, he was hurt. poor guy. Im not sure if they took him to hospital, i hope so because i think he might have a concussion. he said his neck hurt. I mean he had his throat freshly slit and then to hit his head it looked gross and just painful.

The girl, when i got there eventually was in bed even though she is the one who made me come so late, after telling me the rent had been due on the 26th. Hello, they told me to bring it Today actually,so that was not my probelm. So now i am paying for an extra week when i havent even stayed in the place. I am getting my own key cut and already im weary. Spending my first night there today. will give it a chance and see how everything goes. i have another assignment due in 11days so i have to concentrate on that.

Cousin died yesterday. only 30yrs. her mom, gran, and fiancee died this year. bad luck really. she leaves a coupla toddlers and a 7yr old. i dont think we have the strength to cry anymore these days in my family.

Things appear to be looking up and of course i will deal with whatever comes.

Later

Just when I was having a nice morning, buying a muffin at Sainsbury's to eat on the bus, my phone rang. No i did not recognise the number but the voice was unmistakable. This was a few munites ago by the way and i am still seething inside!

Yeah, so I said hello and it was bloody deciever. Talking to me like we are long lost friends, asking after my health and whether I have a job. I was polite and even commented on how happy and chirpy he sounded.He laughed. I thought so far so good, now I can cut this short. I asked him if he was still palnning to go to Africa to make his movie and even teased and said he is probably doing it to run away from the winter on the pretext of making a movie. He actually concurred.

He then asked if I was still writing and rambled on about how whatever publication is looking for writers and everyone works to deadlines"do I understand"? Like, what does that have to do with me? Saying we should hook up, but i have been unreliable in the past and then i make it look like we are not talking to other people. Hello, we are not talking. We have nothing to talk about.
When I pointed out that i had been sick and he could have called to check why I hadn't made the appointement(which by the way meant me calling him first asking if he was available and if I could come to his house). He shouted and told me that is not the way it works"do u know what i'm saying" he said. Sounded like a rapper!
Who the hell does he think he is huh?

It doesnt work like that, he is not going to chase after me, it's not his responsibility,all these his words.Apparently i have been unreliable in the past and this is not the first time. Proper shouting, as I was getting on the bus. The only thing I could do was shut my mouth and soak in this bizarre tirade! Number one, why is he calling me at 10:30 on a Saturday morning? isnt that chasing after me, when i have left him alone for more than a month? Why is he talking about work and writing when he made it clear in a very curt manner last week that it will be awkward (when i said i was available) because he has given the work to someone else. What the fuck is this about?

So i listened to him rant and rave and i think it eventualy dawned on him that he was being nasty and pathetic so he said he actually didn't call to have a go at me(no apology), he was just pointing some things out, and that we will talk during the week.
Perhaps my mistake was in saying i was going to a friend's house to use HIS computer. that was when he really changed.

Now, this is confusing as much as it is infuriating. this is someone who treated me badly almost a year ago. I have struggled to deal with that. I have deleted his numbers from my phone which is why i didnt recognise it, and tried to get on. He has constantly dangled carrots about work but never delivered and yet he feels I am unreliable. He forgets he asked me to run production then went behind my back and got his new bimbo to do it, couldnt even tell me straight , i found out coz she answered the phone one time. Bitter pill to swallow, but i had vomited all that bitterness. Now the bastard calls me, has a go at me and tells me he didn't really call to have a go. He tells me that i disappear and tell people we are not talking. He says we should talk during the week and we should hook up.Huh?????

Why does he keep doing this? why cant he leave me alone. I don't like confrontations or being shouted at unfairly. HOwever, after he went on like that I calmly wished him a nice weekend, said goodbye and cut the call. I should chase after him? He is having a laugh.
Now i am so disturbed that i'm not sure if i can concentrate on my assignmnet. Someone should shoot the motherfucker!Shoot his balls off so i can wear the as earrings! i cant deal with his bullshit anymore.

Im done

I send my friend a text to ask what time i should come to his place tomorrow to type assignment. no answer. I know he had said to call on Saturday morning but if he is going to Oxford then we might as well have made arrangements today.

I feel apprehensive. If i have nowhere to type it for the whole day tomorrow, then im totally screwed. Im crossing fingers and feel a headache coming. Wil probably be back on MOnday, if everything goes ok. If not, don't be suprised if im not back for longer.

That therapist will have her work cut out I'm telling ya

Later

I emailed my lecturer to find out if they have a reciprocal agreement with the British library. That's the only way one can go into that esteemed institution and get help with research material. I aslo told her what my chosen topic was and that i have not asked for an extention even though i think i will might need it. I will try and do everything this weeknd(i have another assignment due in 12days).

She replied and told me to ask the library, she has no idea and that i must make sure my topic is researchable! Now i am a bit lost here. I am suuming she atleast has an MA in which case she would have done a disseration and research and read a lot of books, done lots of research and checked out lots of libraries. Is it rocket science to know whether one's school has an agreement with a reference libarary or no? It beggars belief!

And then to say i must make sure my topic is relevant to my studies? what is she smoking and where can i get some, i ask you. I pointed out to her that she gave us several themes in the study guide and proceeded to list those themes. I said based on those themes i think my topic is quite relavant and i would hope it would be enough for research. I mean if she thought i was off the mark isnt this the time to be telling me? before i waste my entire weekend typing more than 15pgs of what she might consider to be crap? Isn't that the reason there are mentors to guide one thru their research and dissertaion?

I feel totally misunderstood and dejected. I do not think she underdstood a word i said and for her to toss me off to the libarary. I asked her to refer tme to someone specific, God, all it will take her is one measly phone call or an internal email. what are these people paid for?I was quite calm when i read her email but i must admit i'm getting steadily pissed off. Is there a chance that i might actually get to cmoplete this fuckig degree? YOu know i feel i might have given up, and it's partly for my mother that i am doing this.

She would have loved so see me graduate a second time around and i wish i had been able to more than a year ago. But it didn't happen. Uni cock-up and they know about it. So i am completing this degree and hopin gmy dead mother's spirit out there somewhere will recognise the feat and rest easy but i can't deal with dumb female professors. Is it a wonder that Gordon ramsy is saying we cant cook and that other bastard(whose name i dont remeber) was saying we are useless? it's females like this who give us a bad name.I'm sure she wont be happy with my email and so i'm unlikely to earn brownie points from her. Bitch! bitch!

Ok, serenity now, Dont wanna bring on a panick attack. I had 2croissants this morning. I think im getting fat, fat, fat. too many croissants and muffins. I thinki have said before my brother thinks i should gain weight and another friend the other day said my "booty" was shrinking. Oooh I was ecstatic. I said i hope so. Gosh who wants a bug butt? but i know our minds play tricks on us, and besides he was just out on the prowl. what is with these geezers? he knows he cant have me, known me for 2 and a half years now and by his record i imagine he would scored. not on this from. I have my chastity belt firmly in place as far as im concerned. sont have a daddy complex or whatever they call it.

whew, enough now. i am really pissed off with this woman. no support at all. when someone asks for help you try to do so and not toss them to the dogs.

My friend who sent a text to aplogise still hasnt called to meet. I said we should do it this week.she said she didnt know when this week so i thought it prudent to leave everything to her. she hasnt called. im not gonna call. Im done being a doormat.

Oh, and the deciever saga is over. No huge stabs of pain, i deleted his numbers. so long...

There are some fuckers(excuse my french!)who are harrasing me on the phone. They sound Nigerian, i think.It's a call from a private number, they call ask me to guess who it is, then laugh when i ask who they are. they did it twice today. the first time it hgappend i thought it might be a mistake, someone having a wrong number. I have no given anybody who remotely sounds like that my number. and i am always polite so that doesnt help. A friend told me to tell tem to fuck off. I cant bring myself to say that on the phone.
so when he called again tonight, I pressed the "yes" BUTTON AND KEPT QUIET. HE SAID HELLO A FEW TIMES THEN DROPPED THE PHONE. He then called 3 more times, i did not answer he did not leave a message. I hope this was lesson enough if not, does anyone have connections to the mafia? It's just that i cant trace a private number otherwise....

Today just flew by. No work from the angency. bastards! Maybe it's a blesing coz I was runing around to libraries getting books for the assgnment Im not sure i will complete by the weekend. But I have pulled all nighters in the past. I will survive.

Tea at Costas and reading the papers, called a comapny a friend told me is hiring staff. No answer. Fuckers!Met an ex-colleague in Liverpool street and had a guy scope me out while we waited at the cashpoint. I ignored him, but was aware of his persistent stare. In the ned he gathered enough courage to talk to me. He sounded really young, honest to God. Boasting about having lived in Canda,(my friend happened to have lived there for 4yrs and when he mentioned some town she said how small it was) family in South africa, he is bored, blah, blah, he is fluent in french. I couldnt test him on that one because my french is shaky.

He asked for my number and said maybe we could meet and go out. I obliged him but i dont think he will. but then u never know. he lives in Milton-keynes. aaah, some male inteterest atleast.

Special thanks to Rick who has been helping me with ideas for my reseach and everyone else who has wished me luck and contibuted. I appreciate it.

PEACE

I went to see the girl's flat. It's only two of them in the flat. It's quite nice although apparently they refused to pay the landlady this past week because for a many months now she has been promising to get them a washing machine, whithout delivering.

Apparently she said they don't really nned it so they have to go to a laundromat or handwash in the bath. The little strike seems to have yielded results. Sh is supposedly delivering the machine on saturday.I asked her about rules and regulations and all that. They buy food and cook together and share the costs of that. I said yes, i dont mind, but actually i do. I told her i dont cook much, gosh i havent cooked in so long,because of my unstable situation. I am quite willing to buy milk and bread and that sort of thing but i think when i move in at the end of the week i will tell them to continue as they have with regards to cooking and eating.

I think they might see me as being anti-social in that regard but i dont see why i have to conform to home cooked meals everyday. If i cook i want it to be something simple and just for myself. I will be a housemate not a family member.Am i being too rude?They have very stable jobs and earn good money while i have to watch the pennies so it makes sense to me to continue as I have, but also have the freedom to do what i want.

Now they havent told the woman because she would want to increase rent. I meant they are paying the kind of rent couples would pay and the flat was totally unfurnished when they got there so they've done her a favour. why are people so greedy sometimes? they will get me a key but entering the building might be tricky at the best of times. I might be stuck outside at times because i dont have that little security thing. you know the one you place on the wall or to get the door to open? We all work different hrs(with mine as a carer being the most unstable and unreliable, but their 9-5 doesn't necessarily mean they come straight home. So i dont know how that will work.

I am a little apprehensive actually. I dont want to be troublesome, but at the same time i want to be able to relax. I think if we all dont have to see each other all the time, even if we just meet at night, that would work for me.So, i finally have somewhere i can stay for the moment. I will actually believe it when it happens.

As for my research proposal, a friend who is submitting a proposal for a doctorate has told me not to panic. I wanted to laugh, but i think it would have come out as a hysterical howl:D! I have less than a week, I dont have my own computer, i have not read any books and i must come up with something. Im afraid to ask for an extention because my lecturer will probably expect something of a very high standard and it's better to put myself under pressure this weekend. MOve to the new place and do assignment. My anxiety attacks came back, well slight flutters but i know it's fear over this whole change.

My friend up in Cumbria called me last night but i was on another call and i really didnt want to talk to him having sent an email. he was concerned but sometimes it's better to talk to people when you have something good to share.Another friend i was on the phone with was telling me about his shenanigans down in portsmouth and in isle of wight. this boy is a trouble maker without meaning to. he is cute, charming and short(i think im taller than him being 1.61m) he is shorter, but girls and women and men fall all over him. he is charming and friendly and seems to be having a great time with women. It was hilarious when he shared a tale about being drunk and still being able to "stand up and deliver" i was shocked because from what he had said, he shoul've passed out!!

But it was good talking to a friend, laughing even though i have a million things to worry about. I went to an employment agency this morning. they can get me anything part-time coz all they have are full-time positions. I was cant work full time cos i have to study as well. Im screwed you know.

otherwise, im going to try and do my best with this proposal, if it's rejected i will rewtrite it but i can only try and do my best. have to get my panic attacks under control about the new place, its nothing to worry too much about. i guess im having doubts about long-term conditions when i should just be thinking in terms of next week.

PEACE

Lesson number one: never trust people or only trust them as far as you can throw them.

I learned that the hard way this past weekend, but then I never get easy lessons. I was supposed to move into my new place last night. basically I was gonna get the key and drop off some stuff since I had to come to college this morning and could saty elsehwhere. I called the Landlady, more like landhirl really. She cut me off and said she would call back back. She never did.

On the other hand, a friend who is going abroad in January(or she thinks she is but hasn't definitely decided) had called me on saturday to find out if i was still looking for a place. She had suggested possibly staying with her till she leaves in january and then having the palce to myself. Of course i preferred my own space which seemed a dead cert till last night. I have shared with a psychobitch before and it was a very traumatic and difficult experience. I hope never to come across that person again in my life. So bearing that in mind and the fact that this girl couldnt decide to stay or leave the country I couldnt take chances. But now she is staying...for the moment. I can share rent and bills with her but if i do it and she decides she isnt leaving anymore then where am I?

So, I immediately sent a text to the girl who told me about this place i was supposed to move to. Just so the landlady(who is her friend) dioesnt tell lies about me not moving in or whatever. We are meeting today. She was sorry ofcourse because she is the one who told me about the place.

I was sooo looking forward to my own space and privacy. No roomates who steal my underwear or one who berates me for eating dead animals(MCDonalds and meat. She is a vegetarian, eats organic food and drinks soya milk yet she smokes like a chimney and smokes weed as well. I gently pointed all this out to her. Her excuse was that she needs her vice otherwise she will go made. I asked her to please not drive me mad by judging me and my eating habits. We are cool.

can you see why im going bonkers and so need my space. I dont know what i am going to do now. I cannot trust that other person and wont move there. I could ask the friend if her offer still stands and stay with her for a couple of months although im really reluctant. It would be a safer bet though. I dont want to constantly be looking for a place but it has been so difficult and having people lie to me or turn out dody just isnt on.

So what to do my good friends? should I move with the possible migrator or continue to suffer where i am or try and pursue this other one? frankly im pissed off and i dont think anything will make up for her behaviour at this point. It's almost as if i knew because i didnt shop for all the linen yesterday.

Now i have my research proposal to think about. It's due at the end of the week! I think it's safe to say I am totally screwed. I want my mother

A few months ago, a friend volunteered to help me out with something. It was really important, it required a level of trust on both sides, she could change her mind at anytime i said, she was insisted.

At the so-called 11th hr, she changed her mind. I was already stressed as it was, but i was gracious, thanked her and said good-night. that seemed to suprise her. I think she was hoping for a rant and rave, but i was past that, thinking of how i would sort myself out.

Needless to say, another friend came to my rescue, out of the blue really. One of those things that happen by chance. Now, this girl started to avoid e like the plague. When the bombs went of in July i sent a text to check if she was ok. she was. another time she send a tentative text to check how i was. reading between the lines she was trying to find out if my probelm was sorted. Then she went to south america for a holiday, she send a texct to say goodbye, even emailed whislt there.

I duly responded. But I had decided that i wasn't going to run after her. I had always felt that she took me for granted. would invite me out mostly when she didnt know anyone at the do or felt they were boring, would cancel our APs at the last minute and yet i always made time. So this time, she felt vulnerable because she had done someything to hurt me(she thought) when she could've avoided it. It didnt matter i had mmoved on.

But tonight, i received a text from her asking if i was ok, if i was around, that she misses my company and she was sorry for what she did. I think she was brave to do that, to actually say sorry coz when she did it, and we spoke on the phone, Her apology sounded contrived. infact she sounded like she said it for the sake of saying it.
#Maybe i feel she is really contrite coz I can intrerprete the text however i want. But i was glad to get it. I told her i missed her too and we should meet.

Maybe ourt friendship can be rekindled on an even footing. I told her i do not hold her actions against her. I meant it

it happened today but since im stupid(when it comes to certain things) i brought it upon myself.

I spoke to deciever today, regarding doing some work as we had agreed in the past. Deep down i really knew he was being a wanker...again. so I tell him im available tomorrow or monday and he says to me" well that's awkward because we have given the task to someone else". he could've said this yesterday you know! He knew i'd been sick, he didn't bother to check because deep down he didnt want me doing the work. Maybe it was old geezer pushing him that he decided to offer.

So then i cut him short and said that fine, cheers. What a wanker. but then it's for the best because since we cant even speak, there would not have been a point working togther. The problem is i have dredits in his stupid flims because I have done work. research, proof-reading, sub-editing, whatever. now i cant even put that on my Cv because i dont know if he would have a kind word to say if someone called him up to try and get references about him. Im fucked arent I?

UI really wish i had never met this person in my life. But then I would not have met all the other nice people that i met. that snowballing effect thing.

I felt a little angry for a little while afterwards. Then felt pangs of humiliation and stopped myself. He cant stand me, fine. I wasnt in fornt of him and i did cut him short and not argue or beg. and of course he was lying. he just didnt have the guts to say fuck off although thats waht he was saying. So why should i have all these bad feelings about myself.

Ive officially thrown away the whip that i have been flogging the dead horse with! Toyed with the idea of seeing olde geezer today, he didnt answer his phone and he doesnt carry a mobile. Maybe its a sign. wouldnt discuss deciever with him anyway, he would only go back and talk to him about it.

I'll reserve this rubbish for the therapist!
Peace

I just came back from the do. We didnt really speak to each other, except when i first arrived and he berated me for not having called to make an AP(yes, i have to call first to go to his house) like we had agreed. I said i had bird flu and so couldn't come. No, actually he said he thought i was going to come over. This is from three weeks ago. Now i think if u are meant to meet someone and u dont hear from them the you could call and enquire. Unless u didn't give a rat's ass and it made no difference whether u saw them or not, then u wouldnt bother.

But he did this infront of bimbo.The bitch is always everywhere! But i misunderstood and said "i just got here", meaning, yes i was coming but being a few mins late?How could he assume i can read his mind with regards to things from 3weeks ago?? He tried explaining later.

So the film was shown, it was great, i chatted to people did my whole PR& Marketing spiel. i chatted to a few guys. they came to me i did not solicit their attention! inetersting characters. Bimbo on the other hand was on the prwol. It was so funny, they have denied their involvement by pretending it doesnt exist(around other people), so they are free agents and can do whatever they want.

I could see his brain chruning though:thnking whetehr he was taking her home or not. She decided to get in action on this guy I know, whom i was supposed to have discussions with. This girl id a sight to behold when she baits and reels in her prizes. If she does not understand a relationship or association between a girl and guy, she will try to befriend the girl to get more info. it seems subtle if u arent shrewed. she pulled that on me last year, but i wasnt playing, and also he was interested i could see so it wasnt worth the fight. got sick instead.

So then she chatted to this guy, took down his number and they left together. Of course it could have been innocent since they both live in the same area, but she is hot blooded and a horny girl(her isirsh accent always gets the lads...well mostly). YOu should've seen deceiver's face!!!See it's all about perceptions. make everyone think u are going home together then...

For someone who isnt involved, he coulda killed them both with his look. what was that about. me and another guy who witnessed the whole thing nearly burst out laughing. I could tell he was jealous. there was a time i wished he'd reactv like that where i was concerned.
Anyway, i could see him reassess his options. I had been talking to a very inetersting guy about writing and all sorts of things. He was about to share some vital info when deciecer rudely interrrupted us. He constantly does this whenever im talking to other men even though he isnt remotely interested in me and can hardly find anything to talk to me about.

he asked me if i wanted a lift(like the last time he offered but that was a different reason). I declined, but then he teased the guy I was talking to and asked him if "he had scored"! we were a little taken aback, we did laugh because it was ridiculous, and we chased him around "beating him up". but i did not like that because we never got back to the topic, he just interrupted the fklow of my stimulating conversation with this man.

And, he came over to give me money(everyone was paid something). good manners dictates that he should've apologised and taken me by the side.this was baffling. I have refused cash before, but he wasnt giving me an option and it was just embarassing him handing out money and then offering a lift and then his lame joke.

My other freind(the one we witnessed bimbo in action with) says sometimes things said in jest arent really mean something else. so what could he mean? It's not like he cares if someone scores with me but perhaps it bothers him a little bit? I dunno.I was friendly to bimbo, didnt talk with her too much, I prefer not to seeing how in the past I have had palpitations just from seeing her interact with deciever or seeing her by herself. she is very shallow, but i am diplomatic and nice.

I told deciever i will call him(with regards to the meeting, its about me writing for his co), but i probably wont. it's not worth it, I have survived 3weeks without seeing him, thinking about him yes, but i havent craved him. Tonight was ok.I think it proved how far apart we are and how we can never go back, but i do wish we could be friendliewr. hello, how are you etc would be a start. not a hug and "i thought you were coming" and seeing him look daggers at bimbo going off with some guy. well a taste of his own medicine is just as good i suppose

But knowing me, i might plunge into a depression acouple of days after this. maybe i will thank him for the money, but i bloody deserve it, im good with people and everyone else is a guy so why wouldnt males and females want to talk to an attarctive intelligent woman??

Yhe funny thing is he is looking more and more buff, all muscular with his six pack(he has issues with weight, always thinking he is gaining weight although he is fit in everyway), I just dont get turned on by him or evn want his hands on me. that's funny, but my body reacts the opposite way

It's his loss not mine.

I am going to help out deciever out again today. I will probably come back angry, hurt or frustrated. I asked for it didnt I? what a fool.

will let you know how it goes. I wont have to talk to him, we havent spoken for three weeks but now im feeling a little apprehensive. I shouldn't I mean i dont have to do it, so i must be a sucker for punishment.

Im panicking about my work. since it's agency work, it's very unstable. already i did not work the hrs i was supposed last week, having rearranged my life to fit in with work. today they told me there wont be anything tomorrow, but they will call to confirm. fuck, how do they think we pay rent and the like?

on a brighter note, I am moving next week. not sure about the people but at this time, i just need some space. gosh...

Old geezer(remeber him?) invited me for dinner last night. I bought a bottle of red wine and went over straight from college. It was good to see him. we hadnt spoken for about three weeks until he called me last friday to check if i was still alive! claimed he'd already bought a suit for my funeral and i told him my solicitor had been instructed to give him the info and passwords to my Swiss bank account.

It was fun and we chatted easily but then he started hinting that he more than just liked me. He basically confessed that he has a crush on me.He misses me when i am not around(he did call me at midnight one day asking me to take a cab and come to his place!). He cant understand how I have gone from being his little sister to being this sensual, sexual, exciting, attractive woman. Those were his words.Asking if my boobs are grwoing. I said it was the bra(haa!). I had the notion of whipping it up and letting him see but i had the sense not to do that.:p I just laughed and told him he will get over it.

He said he has always been restrained and never came on to me, which is partly true except he always flirts and gets bloder everyday. Some people have assumed im his woman apparently. they have quizzed him and they have given me messages assuming im his girlfriend. Maybe its because we laugh in the street. I dunno. All i know is that he is almost old enough to be my dad(not that it matters these days), but most importantly he is deciever's friend.

I just cannot imagine spoling this beautiful friendship on some sex whim. It cant happen. He has just called me to invite me again tonight. I have had to decline although i said i would call him later. I do have to look at a place this evening and i feel things are progressing at an alarming speed, anfd i dont want them going where they seem to be headed. Why cant he just like me and let it go? I do like the fact that hhe(a man) find me attarctive even though he was saying lame things like im looking more and more beautfil as the night progresses. Please at best i looked like id just come ouf of a hurricane last night. Even he said i looked harassed when i arrived but i relaxed.

So i suppose i am playing with fire or I am unable to control this thing. I dont want to hurt him(not that he would feel hurt as such, i dont want to have an affair with him, he speaks like he is joking when he says i should stay over, but i know if i gave an inch he wouldnt hesistate.

So far i feel comfortable being in his house because we do talk about all manner of things. I even play his piano(that means one finger or out of tune) or we discuss all manners of things.

So i am sure he was dreaming of me yesterday.Perhaps if he was 10yrs younger and I had never met his friend who almost crushed my soul we would be talking something else. As things stand...there is no way in this lifetime

nothing personal, but i wonder if some of you guys identify with the "You wish" list above

peace

Grant me the serenity to CHANGE THE THINGS I CANNOT ACCEPT, the courage to accept the things I have changed, and the wisdom to be HUMBLE IN MY SUCCESS

HEY one of my roomates is stealing my underwear! seriously, i was looking for my bra and i saw it in her bag. i mean i wore that yeSterday hello. Then she saw my geOrge Orwell"Burmese Days" book and asked lotsa questions about it. so chaNces are it will be gone soon.

The other day it was my red thong. I like that thong because across the from it says"weapons of mass seduction". okay that's too much info for you guys, but she hadnt worn it, she had stashed it. now this is a seemily nice and well-spoken girl although that counts for shit but what am i supposed to do? see why i need to change the things i cannot accept instead of accepting the things I cannot change. god i need to get out of that place, otherwise i will die soon and they say only the good die young.Shit! i might actually die!

what should i do good people? must i now hide my books and go commando incase someone is stashing my undies and wearing them in private?

The princess looked in the mirror several times today and asked the person staring back a few questions. No actually she assesed this person. She looked tired, she looked 10 yrs older but others would argue she was being harsh as usual. But that person looked unwell. lined across the forehead, lines she has had since, well since she strated wrinkling her forehead at age 14 trying to see if she could get lines like her math teacher. Big mistake.

She then assessed the general skin condidtion of this person looking back. It looked a bit dead, dehydrated maybe, the eyes had no sparkle, but the smile was still there. This person could still summon a striking smile at will. Yet she looked resigned, like all the "weight" she has borne with such courage thrughout the months was finally breaking her back.

Princess asked her who she was and what she wanted out of life. She went into a bit of a panick. NOt a good move then. she calmed herself down and read a newspaper instead. Still feeling agitated, she went to call her brother, they spoke for over an hour about nothing and everything. Princess developed an earache which has turned into a serious headache now.

I would call it a stress headcache, or tension headache. She is worried over some stupid paper to fulfill her degree, she is worried about employment , she is worried about a place to stay but so is everyone else, about all those things in varying order of improtance. So she is not unique. Well not when it comes to those issues anyway.

Back to the person on the other side of the mirror.She told the princess to remind herself of all the positives she has pushed to the bottom of her bottomless despair. She the Princess to feed her and hydrate her because she is responsible for what that mirror is showing her.

She told her to piss off and have a laugh somewhere because she can't bear what she is looking at instead. It brings her too much pain and haggard as she looked, it wasnt helping her cause.

So what do we see when we look in the mirror I ask. do we see who we are, what we want to be, who we wish we were, sadness, happiness, love, hate, loathing, fear, all of the above or none of the above?

I will look again tomorrow and maybe i will have an answer...

Bloggers out there please come to my rescue. I need to come up with a 15page research proposal for this damned postgraduate degree i am doing in communications and public relations and media.(shit!). now, my esteemed lecturer wants me to come up with an inspiring topic,explain what methods of research i am going to implement, say whether it's formal or exploratory, blah blah blah. Im stumped. i have to research the research topic before coming up with the proposal. If any of you are confused, I am even more so. So any ideas?it's due on the 30th of this month and if she accepts it(they are so fickel sometimes) then i can get cracking on the actual thing disseration. I wont ven say how many pages. i know im bitching and some of you have dione this before. heeeeelllllpppp please, s'il vous plait,por favor,bitte, asseblief. you catch my drift?

She has given us general themes from which we can choose topics: politics, techonlogical advances in communication

communication in education
the influence of media in society
intercultural communication in the workplace etc etc

there is more but you get the gist.
help mke out coz im drowning. this plus the graphics designing, plus seeing the shrink
AAAARRRGGHHHHHH

I do believ these out of the way newsagents rip off gullible and desperate damsels like myself without a tinge of shame or remorse.

I bought an umbrella an hour ago since our forsaken city of london pisses down whenever it feels the urge. nevermind that it might be feeling all sweaty, taking off its sweater called clouds and leaving us blistering in the sun or hot air for that matter. I had to buy the stupid umbrella. been running around richmond the whole day, i had to go to putney, got off the tube and that meant sleeping there waiting for the piss to stop or buying one of those cheap umbrellas. It looks mangled already. I asked the guy, looked him in the eye and asked him to tell me straight how long it would last. oh, he gave me one of those benign"im innocent look", showed me his palms and told me it depends on usage.

A load of rubbish but what could i do? i was desperate, he wasnt. now i will have to walk in the rain anyway, coz the thing is broken. fuck, fuck, fuck,. not the brollie but being ripped off.

i survived my first day working as a carer, those poor souls. one lady is 90, she looks 70. amazing! my feet hurt and i think i want some chicken broth now.Bj says he can cook chicken in many different ways so i will be waiting.

as for my meeting with the shrink, that's tomorrows blog.i need to get cracking on my uni desseration. why me i ask!!!

Ciao

Im off to see the shrink, i know ive gone on and on about it but come 3pm, i will be sitting there probably answering embarassing questions, wondering whether to hold back or bare all and i will be at this woman's mercey for she has the power to decide whether to help me or not.

So later good people, im thinking about this too much, i think a couple of weeks ago when i felt at my lowest was perobablya good time but now she might think im okay and truly rational. i think im okay and rational but im game for some mental exploration.

later

My mind rested. I am back to face my demons again. I arrived in Cumbria on wednesday afternoon, my friend who is very prompt and organised came to pick me up at the coach station and fussed a little bit, wanting to know what i wanted to do and giving me options for the weekend. He was going to a friend's wedding in Leeds on friday and said he'd spoken to his friends and i was welcome to tag along. So we went to yorkshire on thursday, stayed with a couple(friends of his) and went to the wedding on friday. well, i only attended the reception. I'd never been to Leeds, so i kinda walked around the town centre, had coffee and read a romance novel at starbucks(those mills and boons variations can get really raunchy and make you feel...well you know!.

There had bheen confusion in my discussion with my friend. I thought the wedding was on saturday, so when everyone dresed up i thought it was for something else. I was lugging my weekend bag around, the wife(half of the couple we were staying with), was confused, It only became clear on the ride that it was D-day. fortunately i had taken clothes to change coz i thought we were staying over in Leeds.

Nonetheless, i met some interesting people, most one weird, hyperactive guy and his wife were teling us about a book called perfume(dont want to remember the author). basically it's about smells, bodily smells, smells of death being bottled. werid stuff and they were sooo excited about it. i think if someone had taken a picture of the group being addreed, s/he would have wondered where our jaws were! we were aghast with horror.

So we watched the shitty soccer match against austria and were glad when it was over. We made our way back to carlisle, had burger king on the way(my first in 3yrs) but there are no trestaurants in the middle of nowhere.

On sunday, i sort of vegetated in the house and did nothing while he went cycling. I watched videos with his younger brother:the Last Samurai and The school of rock. I was really glad to just do nothing, did not return phone messages, i was just determined to be.

we went bowling, my first time really. i didnt do too badly. four siblings plus me! they have their issues with one another but i thought it was great that they were all spending time together and having fun, and it was also for my benefit. I slept well, even though i bhave been suffering from Insomnia for the past 2weeks. I think it was staying in a clean place, with people who cared about me and eating good food.

My friend can cook, even if he takes sauces out of bottles or cans for the pasta or whatever. I like a man who can cook for me. The last time I was there, there were vibrations in the air between us. this time,no. I thought it was a pity last night, being in his huge king size bed and him being upstairs in the other room. some people think its weird that we are completely palotnic but it is possible. I appreciate the friendship more right now and wouldnt want to fuck up anything because i have been going thru