I came back from college very tired yesterday. I mean the whole time i sat there i was nodding off, I was half asleep on the bus as well so god knows what is wrong with me.

BUt suddenly on the bus I got this urge to call deceiver.I dont know why really coz there was no reason to call him. I thought about it for a bit then rang him.i said it was"only me" that seemed to make him laugh. we spoke about carnival and wheteher we'd both recovered. I asked him if he had any plans, maybe he thought i was coming on to him, he said he was seeing his kid at 9pm. this was at 7pm. and i thought inmy head that child should be sleeping by now.

i did not mean to sound like that, i dont think i did and now i regret even having called him. Mind you i did not lose sleep over that conversation or go into a deep analysis as I woul;d have done in the past. the point is its the past and as much as it hurts a little bit, its no longer a major open wound. still i want to know how to get over this toxin. its killing me.

Am i still into this man? am i lying to myself saying i dont care and i am emotionally distant when i get urges to just talk to him? help me before i drowen again. I thought i was fine, but i dont know anymore. maybe i need to extend my social calender. is it possible to have someone in your life who just intrudes and gets in the way of everything even if it wasnt meant to be? i am really finding this difficult to deal with. you see now i know i am a nothing to him, whereas before i wasnt sure and he played mind games. now i feel like its in my court but i dont want to do that whole clinging thing. I am not but....

oh shit im out