Love me for me, and not for someone you wish i could be.I could never be someone other than who I am. What you get is what you see.I cannot be any more than what I am. Love me for me and not for someone that i will never be.

I have been listening to a song with the above lyrics.However, what touched me the most was the music, the melody, the voices behind the lyrics. I don't know if you have ever listened to a song that affected you for no apparent reason.I have just had one of those moments. You know how we assciate songs with certain places or people or relationships? WellI used to beaffected by songs which would remind me of places I'd never been to or relationships I never had. I would be struck by this wave of nostalgia, sometimes such actute pain that it was all I could do not to break down and cry. I am still battling to understand why that happens. Is this stuff that happened in a previous life or do some songs just have the power to pierce you like arrows and leave you bleeding emotionally?.I don't know, but i am wondering.

I am feeling rather precarious emotionally right now. And it was brought on by that song I just listened to:"Love me for me. not for who you want me to be. what you get is what you see".Powerful words, except they have no place in London. If anyone differs, then convice me otherwise.

I think i am mourning my letting go of deciever. I have let him go and that hurts a little bit. Is that strange? that I had this tumultous relationship with someone, broke up, started dialogue after a few a months and now, it is truly over. Can't converse, feel tense while attempting to and more importantly, i'm not bothered by not seeing him or talking to him for days on end. Yet I mourn the loss, the "freedom", the nostalgia of reminiscing.

Maybe I'm growing up. Maybe it's the autumn. I haven't even written about what i wanted to write about. I read a book the other day. It's called"how to mend a broken heart". some very practical advice and excercises which I thought were a bit funny. I could see myself in most of the chapters. But the recurring theme is that you need to let go and move on as fast as possible. It's been almost a year for me. As much as I do not want the deceiver back, it has been difficult to just let go. I'm fine now, but can't guarantee that some trigger won't go off should I see him again. Vicious cycles relatioships throw us into. But i'm fine, well till next time that is.

But those damn songs, I dont want songs I havent heard before evoking such strong emotions in me. It's a bit weird. It's unnerving.Im rambling, maybe i'm losing it. I have said that so may times though so that's a bit of a joke. Im scared my life is wasting away. when i look at my diary, what I entered on new year's day and where I am right now, I failed myself. But in many other ways, i made it. Except, i dont want to just survive. I want to make it. I am paralyzed by holding on to the past and things that have nothing to do with me anymore. Someohow they seem comforting in the way they cause me pain. Clutter. People who do not enrich my life and sap me of my beautiful energy. why I do hold on. Why do songs hurt. why why why?????

My inspiration seems to have dissipated.I don't know if it's because of the cold I have which is rapidly turning into fully-fledged flu. This is the second time in 6weeks I have had this. I am starting to worry. What is wrong with my immune system? Can being a worrywot maifest itself so physically and in such an insidous way? I worry. I don't like being sick. It's nothing too serious but then having an overactive imagination means I start sopeculating on the reasons why im sick. Im sure the simplest reason is that people are sneezing all around me and im likely to catch something eventually. I don't have to like it though.

I have been writing two books in my mind. Don't laugh, or go ahead and laugh it doesn't really matter, i can't see you. My lack of inspiration comes from not commiting those tantalising tales to paper. One of them is almost finished, but because i do not physically write them, i forget. Then a few bits and pieces come to mind but they are of no use.

I have been keeping journals and diaries for as long as I can remember. At one point it was compulsary in my English class to keep one. My teacher relished reading them. I was always honest, including writing stuff about her. I think she secretly wanted to get to our thoughts and read our deep dark secrets.

When another one wrote inmy report that i had a flair for writing and that i should continue, i was excited.However at the time THERE WERE OTHER THINGS TO OCCUPY MY MIND, LIKE SPORT. ALL KINDS OF SPORT. Being the athlettics queen. But all that perished. car crashes can snuff out olympic drema faster than...whatever is faster.

Anyway, I am feeling uninspired. Maybe i shuld say lazy. afterall what is the diffrence between lazy and lacking inpiration? I reckon I need a muse or something. Or some excitement. something.

Let me digress a little: at the wedding on saturday we played a little game, those of us who were left. They say these things teach you more about others than if you were asking then direct questions. I think they can be misleading as well.Here are a few example(im sure some of you guys have done this before):
1.Velvet or leather
2.Blonde or brunette(i thought the choices were too limited)
3.Dark or milk chocolate
4.Boobs or Butt
6.Black or white
7.Lace or satin
8.hug or kiss
9.hands or feet
10.chanpagne or wine
11.Strwberries or raspberries.
12.Hot or cold

These are just a few examples. I the only things we learned are our own streotypes or whtever. how does someone chooing leather over velevet teach you about them? they arent explaining. simply making a choice(i kept coming up with third options coz i felt the choices were limited). I think it was more about each individual, but very interesting nonetheless.

Some one tell me how I can reinspire myself please.
Waiting patiently...

I set my alarm for 7:30am, even thought the ceremony was only at 10am. I am apparently notorious for being late and I wasn't willing to miss this occasion. I also had to wash and blow-dry my hair in the morning so i eventually got up at 8:30 after snoozing for an hour. I don't know why i bother setting the alarm really because i always get up much later. That explains why i set it so ridiculously early.

I had no new outfit and London weather was kind enough to let me go out with trousers and a nice top. I had wished to wear a dress(I currently own just one) but i still made an effort. Eye make-up,including mascara(usually i dont bother too much, prefer people to see me as I am). So I thought i atleast warranted a second glance after i was done and ready to go. The other girls were there already. One of our friends is extremely well-organised. she would fit in the millitary quite well and i mean that as a compliment. She is Taiwanese and her schooling explains why she has turned out like this. I won't go into that for the moment.

I didn't see her, panicked for a bit only to find out she was waiting inside.Those people at the registry office are really organised. I mean when they said they close the doors at 9:55 we were skeptical but it happened. I suppose they have a lot of people marrying on saturdays. The room looked beautiful. There was a bunch of portuguese speakers, from Brazil and Angola(home of the groom) and Hungarians(where the bride is from). And then there was everyone else. It was interesting how colleagues/former colleagues stuck together and all the ohter group.

She was fashionably late, the groom was standing there grinning like an ididot but really trying to mask his nervousness. It didnt help that I teased him and said she had ditched him and wasn't coming.
Nobody had a dry eye when she walked in with her dad some 12mins later, her dad who has had to overcome major health problems just so he could walk his only child, only daughter down the isle. It was a sight to behold.

Weddings are fascinating. the little mistakes people make when repeating their vows, saying"yes i will"instead of just "I do". I wish there had been a translator for her parents because the ceremony was conducted in English and I really don't think they understood some of the things they had to repeat, thanks to archaic English. Nevertheless, it went perfectly, lots of people took pics. The main photographer is a druggie apparently and she did seem a bit out of it. She said she hoped the photos would come out ok. I did not inform my friend of this little fact. She'd better make sure they are ok or else...

Reception was near trafalgar Square, where there was a march going on. I think their Limo was delayed by the processions. My former boss, was cynical about the whole thing. She reckons there are better ways to make a statement,like voting. This is someone who grew up in apartheid South Africa but not on the side that needed to protest to get heard otherwise she wouldnt be spewing forth such rubbish.

I CAUGHT THE BOQUET! It's not that i was hankering for it. I saw she threw it straight at me. I left it at the place!Too scary and early to be contemplating marriage now.Five of us were still there at 10:30 long after everyone else had gone. Champagne and beer are to blame. I think the champagne gave me a headache.One guy said he was going to kidnap me. I was flirting outrageously with him. Unfortunately he wasn't tall enough. there was another rugged-looking guy there, whom i had heard about previously, you know, the type who could potentially break your heart just by smiling at ya. I didn't care though, i mean if not flirt at a wedding where else can you do it?

I was glad I went, I had been feeling a bit low, but it turned out to be such a great day. I hope the pictures will be good. Thank goodness i don't suffer from hang-overs. I would be dead right now otherwise!

Dear Princess

I do not know what to do with you anymore. There is only so much one can do to help others you know. I cannot always be holding your hand, making sure you do not stumble, especially as you know what triggers off your stumbling and falling.

Right now I am red-faced on your behalf. I know you had a little episode earlier,and you were kicking yourself mentally, calling yourself stupid. In fact i think you called yourself stupid four times:Stupid,Stupid,Stupid,Stupid.It sounded like a really bad song when you heard in your head. When you said it out loud, i swear tears were threatening to break free. But I have to admire you for not letting the taps run. Not that you ever would, I mean when was the last time you had a good cleansing of those eyeballs.

I am not feeling particularly sympathetic this time. You brought it upon yourself. I mean, you made a phone call that brought you to this point. Why couldn't you leave well alone? Yes, I guess I am berating you but in all fairness I am probably being harsh on you. As usual, you have magnified something really minute and it has turned into this huge crisis.Lo and behol,You are a drama queen! I can say it to you and of course you will deny it vehemently but you are. I can still feel your heart beating eratically and that's because you are angry at yourself and you feel humiliated.

There is no need though. What exactly was humiliating about your actions? Nothing, except you still cannot deal with your nemesis. You cannot act civilised and not feel this discord and negativity. Your nemesis wishes you well in all probability. You need to deal with that. Pray, see a shrink, cry(not holding my breath on that one) scream, whatever but don't let a perfectly good if slightly unnerving conversation turn you into a shrinking violet when you have been a blooming rose the whole day. Thank the gods you had a good morning, but this is a bad time to be crumling again. I bnow you are on the verge and aware of it, so I will not be worrying too much. I am watching that heart though. I can see shame and self-reproach,confusion and some self-directed anger swimming around close to that heart. Be careful, we dont want it to stop beating. Erratic as it is.

Take a step back, think about your actions and say"Fuck it". Ultimately it doesnt really matter.Yes, you had made promises to yourself but your self-control is still lacking, or at least it lacks where it matters most. You have agreed to confront your demons in a way I'm not ceratin will be beneficial for your well-being in the long-run. Shall I say que serra serra? Under different circumstances I would. But i know how well you mask your vulnerabilities to the world except yourself. Which is why we are at this point. With me writing this letter to you. I would like to slap you but i wont because i am not violent.Also from where i am standing you have not done anything wrong. Been a little misguided perhaps, but nothing to get your knicker's in a twist about. Like you are doing now. I am watching you. Let go of that frustration, it is not good for you.

Still your heart.Let the blood pumping through your veins slow down. Swallow that lump in your throat that's making you difficult to breath even as im writing this to you. Do it. Just for a little while...

ok i think im bvery naiive or not as informed as i thought i was.

Is it true that a guy feels pain when he has sex with a virgin, that is when he is trying to penertae the hymen? sorry to ask this but someone said that to me the other day and i was left gapping. So is it true guys? this took me back to my very complicated first time, which in might write about but not today. Please please someone let me know.it's doing me in honestly.

I am reading abook about a girl who wants medical emacipation from her parents. they basically had a designer baby(her) so she could save her sister who has leukemia. she will die but now they want her to give up her kidney anwya. been going on for 123yrs and she's had enough. gripping. so not much to write today.

Question two: why do we pretend like some truths do not exist? like two people know something and they live a lie but it makes it hard for them to exist?
peace

I was supposed to start the new job today. they haven't called like they were supposed to, I havent called them back either. I just don't particulalry care today. Yes, i can feel the bit of depression or sadness looming but i will not give into it.

I am meant to attend a friend's wedding on saturday. I still don't have an outfit so I will have to make do with whatever i have. She is having a cinderella style wedding even thoug it's at the registry office. Gosh, getting married is sooo expensive. Im not going to worry myself too mcuh about it though. I would be quite happy to miss it. no that's a lie, that is something beautiful to witness considering they have been thru so much. she is from europe, he is african. her friends were skeptical, calling him a monkey and other racist terms(I imagine they had never encountered balck people except what their television in their country showed them). BUT THEY STILL HAVE TWO LEGS AND TWO ARMS AND WALK STRAIGHT SO THE MONEKY THING IS SHIT. And then there is mother in law who is very controlling and wants little black grandkids. big bro made the "mistake" of marrying a russian woman.Well they have to get with the programme. you cant help who you fall in love with and with all that crap about women waiting too long for kidsor whatever if you get mr who you think is right for you go ahead.

I digress, Im sure it will be a lovely wedding. ive gone to gym with her in her quest to lose some weight(obligatory for brides),we did hen night a coupla weeks ago, and so i must go thru the final stages.

I am thinking of writing a letter to my nemesis. I dont know if it will be positive or not. I have wrtten some letters and put entries in my diary that when i read them back, i cannot believe i had those deep feelings of hurt. But it's good to purge. I went to make an Ap to see my GP. my health is paramount if i still want to be on this earth and and take whatever is on offer for me.

I am hoping i am going thru a new cycle. I am beginning to take my writing a little sseriously now. i remeber last year when deciever did something particularly hurtfula and i told myself that i was goinbg to write a book. It would be a bestseller and i would leave him in the dust. That would be my revenge. nothing sinister. jusr success for myself.

Gotta go, i feel a bit moody and dont want it rubbing off on ya .
later

I was fired up yesterday. for a little while anyway. There were issues i wanted to lay bare on this page but instead i chose to write a letter to myself to remind me of who I am or the kind of person I could be if i let myself. All the other crap is refusing to go though. I know, it's the same old story but what can one do except purge, write, vomit, emit, whatever you want to call it.

And so i find my mind stretching and being pulled in all directions. It's not something new, I am concerned about the anxiety that i have been experiecing for the past few days. Because i am spending too much time with my thought? i don't know. I know as i'm typing this that my heart is racing at an above-normal speed. I am also getting that sinking feeling inside. I am breathing the fear in and out. It is not a pleasant feeling.

Sunday was a really bizarre day for me if one is allowed to refer back.I have not spoken about deciever for a while. instead I have encountered him, phsycially and in my subconcsious. I saw him at the park. Little bimbo saw me as well so she comes over to chat. I chatted back because to this day I can't bring myself to be rude or ruthless to the people who absolutely deserve it. Maybe the day i experience real hatred for someone(and i hope it never happens) i will be able to be all the things some people seem able to be so effortlessly.

Anyway, as shewas prying into my life with her deceptively innocent chitchat, another madam full of make up came over. I only realised it was the current number one in deciever's harem as i had only met her a couple of fridays before that. so they kiss each other on both cheeks. Brunette with some red(not original) and absolute peroxide blonde(not hers either). am i being nasty? i don't care. Then she leans over to kiss my cheeks(my hair is my own!).

I was amused by the fact that they were saying hello and yet those invicible female claws were out. they sized each other up as they bared their fangs to each other. It was creepy. bimbo invited me to tea. I knew she wanted to gossip. I declined and split instead. maybe i should've gone for i could have asked her if it gave her great pleasure to insinuate herself into my life pretending friendship so she could get to my man. bastard that he is. was. continues to be. I couldve asked about the clandistine trip to the caribbean they took together, claiming business except everyone knew the truth. So I didn't go. There was no point. And i have my dignity.

I left, took a walk in the park, tried to clear my mind. came back and Deciever was chatting to both of them. His women.he likes it when his exes or currents or in-betweeners are together and get along. I reckon that's how some of those african kings/chiefs feel with their 100 wives. fuckers! I was glad i wasn't there standing with them. I really don't think i hide my feelings very well. my face always gives me away. I was buying a snack when he came over to say hello and offer me a lift. I declined, said something about seeing a friend. It was true. He seemed suprised. I can resist him you know. I just have bad withdrawal symptoms.

So he left, and it was ok.I could let it all go it but fuck, this whole thing is still doing me in. except there is nothing to do me in of course. how messed up we become.

Why am i talking about sunday? because i went away and started berating myself. I wished to undo the damage and the history that i share with this person. Except nothing can ever be undone in life. I have played so many scenarions in my head, the what ifs with regards to our relationship, or whatever it was we had. I find it's pointless and it depletes me of energy. Maybe i should try hypnosis. Yeah I know i have been through this rubish before but it helps me to put it down on paper. so to speak.

Are we always haunted by the first person who really messes us up? i am not saying i did not contribute to that mess, I am probably more to blame than anything because i should have known better. Now when one can't even avoid the current bimbos and have peace of mind, what's one to do.

And so my mind swirls round and round and i continue to feel anxious. Still havent spoken to my GP. I am afraid im losing weight. my brother thinks i should gain atleast 5kg, but he hasnt seen me in 8mths.Im the same as when he saw me last and he thought the same thing then. I know it will go to my thighs and ass and well, I think i have enough for the moment.

On a positive note, I have laughed and smiled a few times today. I am going to a friend's for dinner today so all is not lost. I need to still my mind. even just for a short while. Still my heart. Be still. for a while....

peace

Dear Princess

Sometimes I just want to shake you so the storms raging within you can be purged through whatever orifice is willing to vomit them out. YOu are a sound, intelligent beautiful, funny, witty woman(although you still call yoursefl a girl). Yes, in many ways you are innocent or you see too much good in people. All that aside, you make your contribution to society in the way you relate to people, the way you respect others and strive to be non-judgemental at all times.

Yet you don't give yourself enough credit. someone tells you you're beatitful and instead of saying thank you(because you are), you say oh, i know im just average like other people, I dont turn head. That is why i want to shake you! I want you to acknowledge the fact that others appreciate you and to just soak it in.

Then, you have your little emotional yo-yo's. Now what's up with that because I know you are a fighter, you have dignity and first and foremost, you will stretch yourself to the point where there is nothing more to stretch, and then dig deep to stretch even further. you will scrape your way from the bottom of the barrel, shut out the pain and still soldier on with a smile! You are emotional and passionate and funny yet you strive so hard to keep all that under control. Why?mmm control. I know you have relinquished it once, to the wrong hands and have never quite recovered. I know you have been left adrift by the passing of your mother and now you feel totally alone because both mommy and daddy are gone. Yet you know you aren't the first or the last to go through this. They raised you to be strong and independent and you have proved that so many times during your trials and tribulations.

Yes, you want to stop the fight and the survival because you have become tired. But you must carry on. For your soul, for your betterment, for the fact that you are here. yeah it scares you that you still don't seem to know what you want to do when you grow up, and you feel under pressure, but why don't you take each day as it comes?

I know you can light up a room just by entering it, you can be an outrageous flirt and you are the best to your friends and family when it comes to giving straightforward no-bullshit opinion and advice. and you do this in such a gentle manner that they sometimes don't know when they are being rebuked. Then when you decide to let go and have fun...man, you are a joy to behold. being free, swaying your hips to the rythms of whatever you are listening to, you are so captivating, like a bird let out of a cage.

I want you to get out of this emotional cage that you have allowed some bastard to put you in. You are your own worst enemy. that beautiful mind of yours can also be poisonous to your well-being. Let go. yeah, easier said than done but try before it does you in completely. I know you doubt people who say things will get better but maybe you should let some of their optimism rub off on you a little bit. You hate the darkness in winter, the rain doesn't do much for you and your aloneness is getting to you. you kind of dread weekends because it means lots of time with self although you are constantly by yourself in your head. Try, please try. That's all you can do in this world.

You joke about people who get up the morning, look themselves in the mirror and say "hello gorgeous". you have done it around people as a joke. Do it and mean it. because it's true.more than anything, keep your inner child alive and try to let go of this misery enveloping you.

The same letters you write to your nemesis, write to yourself, but write positive ones.

I will talk to ya later. Remeber, courage, strength,beauty, freedom,fun, happiness honesty and truth. understand them, strive for them. forget the loser, he is not worth it. Let him not destroy who you are. He has taken so much from you and continues to take, take, take without being there. I reckon it's time to slay the fucking demon!Bring it on!!!

I have so much to write about yet i have spent the better part of the morning trying to articulate all all the humming in my brain. I have decided instead to post a email that my cousin sent to me. you might have seen it before, i don't know, but this illustrates perfectly how humans are uinable to communicate under most circumstances. i mean a simple question can raise other issues. I found some of the answers and question mind-boggling and hilarious. enjoy, my prper post later. can anyone tell me how I can bold-face my stuff. dont see the icons here,
Ta

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Tiday is friday, a miracle i made it to college after the week i've had. I should be playing around with graphis and trying to design stuff but i cant be bothered.
After my tumultous week and my little breakdown, thing are sort of looking up.I have finished my tarining with the care agency, they have promised te work next week as soon as my past employers can provide the references that have been repeatedly requested....oooh i feel plapitations coming on.:p. Hopefully these people will have enough intergrity to do what theyhave to, because i ain't got no beef with them.

I went to see a play last night. I have seen it before, went with my older male friend last time. I went with a boy this time. I should actually stop calling 20something year old guys boys. It's almost landed me in to trouble before but since i usually call women of the same age "girls" myself included, it automatically tarnslates to guys.I chatted to the cast after. The last time i had been told to behave myself when i met a particular actor and i did(lahotugh i informed him i was under strict orders. I came away with his mobile digits and two email addresses. so now he has my didgits and we chatted easily with my friend as well. he is a nice humble person...but he is still an actor! Am i becoming too cautious? well, maybe we will have a drink one of these days.

I am sort of avoiding old man these days. we had supper again on wednesday(two days in a row) and he was flirting outrageouly. in fact one of his young friends knocked on the window and he told me to tell him to go away. Of course i let him in, i felt the situation was a bit charged anyway. apparently this guy has said in the past that there is some kind of sexual frisson between me and old man, old man claims he likes me precisely because hter is nothing going on between us, but his body is saying something else. he said I was in his dreams, it was very orgasmic and afterwards I said thank you.:D I had to laugh at that.He had actually bought flowers, cleaned up the house and the dishes because i was coming over he said. So now he is beginning to act differently. Im not crossing any boundaries with this man eventhough i like him. he did give me a peck on the lips when i left, i let him, it was ok but now im thinking i shouldnt go back to his house, atleast not for a while. its just not the same anymore. some people actually think im his woman when they see us together in the street.

He said i changed in the couple of days that i have been there. said im more sensual, but isnt it him projecting his feelings or what he perceives? i have not changed in anyway but then i am the kind of person who gesticultes a lot when i am talking. I sometimes, actually a lot of the time i will touch my boobs or rub my neck or make moaning noises. all this is rapid, sometimes slow, but it's so normal to me that i get startled when i notice someone staring intently or threy raise their eyebrows and i see their attention is elsewhere. cant change that that is part of who i am.

I still feel some anxiety deep inside me though, like my heart is gonna go at a hundred beats at anytime. i have not had my regular deceiver nightmare although i have wondered about how he is getting on with hs"damaged" leg. i really shouldnt but seeing tother people and concentrating on other things is helping. he can go fuck...if hes able(LOL).

Im supposed to meet another friend today, to talk about business.he is a bit touchy feely though. thats funny coz we have spoken about personal space and all that before, but he will touch my back and let the hand roam. he is not being malicious, i dont know how to tell him to stop, that point is past gone. i do squirm away sometimes but well. then he stares at my stomach or hips sometimes and i feel like he is undressing me. I have asked him in the past if there was something wrong and he would sort of come back to reality. i need to get myself out of these random situations. maybe im being overly sensitive these days with everyone and everything. i told old geezer that i had a moment of disintergarytion at the weekend, when he started to protest, i told him to stop and that i wouldn't tell him anymore. although he would have understood actually.

Good thing: a friend is gettng married in a week. we went to gym together just so she copuld lose weight as is obligatory for every bride. i still dont have an outfit but what the heck, i look phine in anything i reckon. might just go as eve from th agrden of eden. who knows, i might actually meed my adam there and share half an apple. the problem with evie i reckon was that she gave him the entire apple which is why all the adams of today are so cocky!

Peace

I have been feleing a little better and was overwhelmed by the messages of suport both private and public here on my blog from fellow bloggers. Its amazing that i dont know a lot of you personally but you are treating me like a friend or a a family member. I truly appreciate it.

I have been going for training to become a care-worker, (not so sure i should do that now) but it will do for the moment. its been a couple of days and it's quite tiring, simply because there are adults there who insist on behaving like 5yr old on the playground. When the trainer has to constantly tell adults to shush, or they fight over chairs and bully each other, you have to wonder about their ability to take care of vulnerable adults. but a job is a job i suppose..

Something interesting happened yesterday. Old geezer called me to ask me to come for lunch. this was around 3pm. actually he just asked if i had eaten, which i hadnt so i went to his place about 1hr later. i took in a bottle of wine. we proceeded to just chat about inane things. we talked about relationships(i learned a lot from that) and went thru the bottle.

The a fridn of his came and OG went out to buy another bottle. we started drinking that and i felt myself getting sa little tispy. It was definitely time for food. 3hrs later it would seem.For someone who chain-smokes, old geezer does not put salt or any sadditives in his food. there is always frsh ingredients like ginger or lemon, peppers or whatever is health benefit. It was weird that he did not offer his friend food and we had to eat in front of him. maybe they are both used to doing that, i felt a little uncomfortable but what the heck. We all chatted about politics, life and then about sex. geezer couldnt understand why he was talking about his "stuff" to me but his friend saoid i was old enough. those two are old enough to be my fathers so i could see his point. I just found it amazing that i was talking to a stranger about preferences, what men want or think they want, cross cultural and interracial sex. yeah, there is always interesting issues.

This man said in his life, and he has done all kinds of women, there is one nigerian woman who satnds out. apparently you have to be able to stand and deliver and deliver and deliver where they are concerned. thet said models can't fuck, which is something i have heard before. does it have to do with the narcissism involved? me, me, me? but then again, there are men who just "fuck". i said. meaning, they might ads well be paying u £50 for putting out becuase they do not understand what that little button called the clitoris s there for, or better still that you need to be dripping in order to recieve them. Anyway, i found it stimulating. mentally that is. and it sort of put away all the other shit ive been garppling with.

at the end of it, geezer seemd confused, he said i was funny and beautiful(another pass at me, said he did not know what was going on between him and me. so i see we are at danger point. I will avoid him for a bit and chill. said deciever said i was very bright(like i need him to point it out.). i know that.

By the way, he texted to say he hurt his leg and cant walk for a few days and tat we should hook up when he is able to walk. I told him to stop acrobatics and being too enthusiastic in his endevours. GFood for him, ofcourse i feel sorry...NOT!!

So yesterday was great, i felt bouyed, slept late did not do assignments and ave to get on with it today. I almost felt myself dipping a while ago and had to refocus. slowly but surely im getting there.
Peace

my sending out that email on saturday to friends about wanting to kill myself had an efect on almost everyone. I have been dealing with those emails they sent this morning. i felt a little bad but since i think i saved myself from harm by emailing them and they seem to agree it's ok.

I am really trying to work out what made me unravel the way i have. I feel myself slowly disintergrating and it is not a feeling i am comfortable with. other people have said i should cry if i feel like it for i will feel better. reading their emails and words of support make tears well up in my eayes but i do not want to berak down and cry. I am afraid i would not be able to stop myself. This is really bewildering. I am the sort who soldiers on. I fight, and get up when i have been kicked in the teeth, never ever give up on myself even though i might have occasional lapses.

Can i really attribute this to a guy giving me a lift with the current girl he is fucking? maybe there is a lot more going on with me than i realise, but really this needs to be over with. all this emotional fragility, the gulping air down and gritting my teeth because i don't want to lose control is taking a toll.Whoever said we are our own worst enemies was so right. I mean here i am, having given someone a mental grip on my imagination. they are getting on with their lives and doing whatever they want and i am ther one seemingly grappling with non-issues. I have called myself and my little break-down pathetic and was almost immediately admonished for putting myself down. what else can i do or say. thing are falling apart and i need to pick the pieces pronto.

a couple of people suggested therapy but if you know what your issues are how is a therapist going to help? confronting yourself and being open and honest about who you are is not a game im willing to play now. i am in the game even though it's a bit messed up at the moment. I cannot completely blame deciever because the truth is i am the one allowing him or thoughts of him to dominate my thinking huh? well maybe there is room for a therapist after all. I am just basically feeling like crap. my upbeat mood is gone and im on a downward spiral. im sure i will drag myself up and out but i dont know what it is going to take. lord have mercy

I did something stupid yesterday, I dont regret doing it coz it saved me. I was in such a morose and sombre mood the whole day, feeling extremely depressed and suicidal. I didn't really want to kill myself as i think it's selfish and don't have the guts, but i wanted to cease existing, if that makes sense. I went off to a coffee shop and had tea while reading the paper, but the feeling only intensified. Mr D had called in the morning to thank me again for helping out and to express his appreciation. I mean i hadn't slept the night before because of him, i told him it was nothing and i enjoyed it etc.A friend thinks he is not deliberately cruel,it's just his nature. I disagree, i don't think he does anything in half measure. So much for games Princess!!

I dont see why he had to thank me so many times. Fuck him. All this was playing on my already overactive brain and the rain didnt really help. I was supposed to go to a friend's hen party and when she called i tried to be cheery but she was concerned thinking i was ill. I was, but not in the way she thought. So i dragged myself off from the coffee shop to go and change and put on some make-up and get a cheery persona on. In the end i ducked into an internet cafe and sent out an email so some friends and family, telling them i was feeling suicidal(which i was) but that instead of jumping off london bridge or whichever is closest(there seemed to be too many around i was sending them the email instead. then i started crying there at the terminal. it lasted a few mins, but as i was writing and crying i started to feel a little better. maybe my tear ducts needed cleansing anyway.

I thought of maybe sending another email immediately to say i am sorry to all those people I was burdening with all that crap, i mean who wants to hear that and be scared witless?! So i have recieved an email from a friend in Australia who basically told me to get help and to think how selfish i would be and the pain i would leave behind. I agree with him completely and have emailed to apologise and to explain why I sent the email. I truly feel that at that particular moment when i sent the email, i saved myself. I could've gone and thrown myself in front of the bus or taxi or jumped. such was the exremity of my feelings yesterday.

I did go to the hen party. we had tapas and paella at a spanish restaurant around covent garden and then went off to a club near picadilly. Jesus, i have never seen so many hen party people at the same location! There was a rowdy group of women dressed in black, almost completey drunk and wearing red cowboy hats. they looked good. there was another group with little devil's horns. Me and the posse I was with were wearing badges with a warning to watch out there was a hen night out,or something to that effect. and our friend wore a veil with a crown and a sash saying "bride to be". the music was great, i danced a lot, but we got separated, when the other girls decided to go upstairs. So i was left alone coz our one friend decided to leave(she did not want to be with the crowds at 11pm at busstops). After going up and down the stairs looking for everyone else, being bothered by three african guys i decided to leave as well. Standing there by myself kinda made my brain go into overdrive regarding the issue from earlier in the day. so as soon as the cloud of sadness began to envelope me i ducked. my friend called while i was waiting for the bus and i told her i was going, had a good time etc.

I woke up feeling much better this morning. I called my cousin who told me that some woman who stole more than 20grand from my mother a few years ago had dearly departed. I said she can catch up with my parents wherever she is going to explain especially to my dad why she stole all that money that was meant for his tombstone. she never went to jail, and so if there is truly a spirit world out there, then my parents are waiting for her. they were good people so i dont think she will get what she deserves.

I spent today with a friend who helped out at deceiver's function on friday. his take of course is that my life is none of deciever's business which is true. I know he fancies me a bit as well so i am always careful. he reckons HE is trying to gain control of me, but why.Working a bit for him or with him would be good careerwise because i would be getting experience in what i want to branch into seing how my CV is a bit sketchy these days.At the same time, i am weary because he asked me last year and dropped me like a hot potato coz it was more prudent to keep blondie and eventually bed her or whatever. Bastards dont come much better than this.

But we might need a go-between. Old geezer, has an ex from a 10yr relationship. they dont talk, he calls someone to tell her what's needed when they need to deal business. he insists its over, i have said it isnt if they cant talk, he says its because they would have to be nice and talk about their issues.

So, i think that is the way we are headed with deceiver. he wants to have a meeting this week but i dont know if i can do it. on the one hand I am able to act cool and collected when i am with him, i think this needles him, but it's beginning to tax me. In the beginning it ws ok, but now, i cannont comprehend my little emotional reactions when i dont fancy him and even dont want any physical contact with him. maybe i am deluding myself. but there is no rushing of blood or thumping hearts. however if silences looks could speak, ours tell a story that is obviously a best seller! I am really at the end of my tether. I though i was an intelligent, strong woman, and most of the time I am, but at this point i really feel like a stupid twat.Nobody should occupy one's mind the way this person is doing. ofcourse its my fault that he is creeps into my mind, i had another night mare about him early this morning.

when did this storm brew? when we first got in contact a few weeks ago, we were both cautious and everything seemed ok. I even thought, i am in control of the situation, and in many ways i am. he has not seen me crumple, i have not been in awe of him instead i have been saying to myself"why was i ever with him". but obviously i am not fine, last friday night, at the end proved it. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!

lets see what tomrrow brings

After leaving old man's and meeting with a friend, it started puring cats and dogs. Jesus, how was i supposed to look my best when london seemed to be headed foer floods. one woman actually thought it would flood. It didnt but i got wet. my friend whom i had invited to the fuction brought a friend along and so i had to think how to get them tickets and stuff.

I got there well on time, deiever came late, we started doing mailing lists and selling things and ushering people. Ironically everyone from last year that i had met thru him kept coming to say hello to me or stopping for a chat. He kept looking at me, i could not understand his looks but they were not comfortable. Then A girl who was a part of the harem when i entered the fray (naiively) last year came with her posse. we have become friend, not only because we have deciever in common. she is genuinely sweet, which is probably why deciever trampled all over her as well. as the evening wore on and people started leaving we went outside. I could see deceiver looking at me and his ex talking. probably paranoid that we were discussing him. There was a girl across the street smoking a cigarette and so the other ex-harem member said to me, that's the latest squeeze. she did actaully call her by name and had mentioned her before. nothing to wirte home about. deceiver hovering about like a headless chicken i felt.

Only i was naiive and he was about to put his cruella deville persona(which lurks just under the surface) into motion. the girls came inside, came over to me and a guy i was talking to and narurally i scrutinised her. then wqe started talking. she was wearing beads, she is brazilian, they've got to do with religion. we talked about that, Where she lives(my journalistic subtle interviewing coming into play), what she does. I came short of asking how she knows deciever. she did ask if i was a friend. I could not believe how cool i was. decievers face was a kodak moment. he actually came to chat to a guy next to us just so he could eavesdrop.

so in the end i was saying im leaving, gonna take the bus. Deciever....fucking bloody deceiver offered me a lift. i declined and said i will take the bus, he insisted, saying he cant do that to me, ive worked so hard(in front of people). I accepted. kept thanking me and hugging me. I was a bit icy i think, not gonna get all confused by these conflicting messages. so in the end, it was me, new girl, brother and another boy. on the way he kept asking where i leave. I wanted to bitch slap him. first he pouts me in the car with his squeeze and his brother who knows all this shit, then hes got the audacity to ask where i live, maybe i can come work for the comapny when in have spare time he said. I thought i would puke.

I kept my cool though to my credit. So in his twsited way he wanted to flaunt this girl and show me that he is taking her home. I was fine until i got home. then i sort of felt like my heart and guts had been wrenched from inside me. i cant say if i was hurt or just going mad. what do u think? why do this? have some respect. and then a mutual friend who assumnes i was still with him(back at the venue) kept asking me about blondie and saying we should all meet socially and he will call deceiever(thinking that would be like calling both of us.). jesus I cant take all of this on. honestly. Last night was the last straw. i mean it has been over, and yes he is an insensitive bastard, buit i dont know what game he thought he was playin. and to think he tried it on with me last week.

I think he knows where i stand as far as he is concerned, but his hugging me repeatedly, kissing me and being ever-so-grateful, why is ghe doing that?! he is not doing it to other people helping is he.

But i am fed up feeling this way, I do not want to feel hurt anymore or have people and situation thrown in my face. I just called my other friend to apologise for taking the lift from deceiver. i shouldnt have done it. it was rude and it did nothing good for me.

Understand something, i do not want to sleep with deiever, i was looking at him and thinking, you have a nice body but thats all it it. ex-harem girl one said"deceiver is just a big guy with a big dick". we were reading a book on foreplay and stuff like that. so in that respect, rather the new squeeze and whoever else than me. I would not get anything out of it. he is very selfish(it would seem i wasnt the only victim) and so i would have to demand£50 for services rendered since all he thinks sex is is fucking. in out in out and u start counting sheep. BUT I AM STILL HURT BY THAT BEHAVIOUR.

maybe i should get a hitman to eliminate him. I wonder what that girl thought of me. she doesnt know me, she tried to be coy, she seemes nice....seems.

im a mess and its only starurday you guys must help me, explain why there is rubbish people out there. more importantly: how can i MEND? i thought i had

:pYesterday stared off well enough. I did meet the old geezer at the market.I said to him the forces must be throwing us together. How come we always bump into one another. he was happy to see me, was gonna go see his friend, invited me the disinvited me almost immediately. Said I would be a distraction. maybe its because i was wearing a skimpy top, meaning, it was tight and a low rise pair of black trousers. he did seem distracted:p but then he got my knickers in a twist whne he told me that he had discussed me with deciever(see I was supposed to work with or for deciever, then blondie came along and literally put his balls in her purse without him even noticing) and so she go the job and the balls eventually.Old man could not understand why i was not involved in the company coz Im bright and have bright ideas etc. when he asked me i told him its coz deceiver could not trust me. that's partly true but the truth is how was he gonna get bimbos pussy if she wasnt close to him?"teaching him spanish" and all, which was all a ruse anyway?

I digress. So he told old man that its because bimbo took initative and did the work and i should do the same. i got mad, geezer told me to shut it, that was his understanding. i told him thats not the way it went down but i will accept what he says. we agreed to meet in 20mins at his house.

i went to the house, he offered me tea which was laced with brandy or something and we had a chat. he casually mentioned that we have such a good time and yet he hasnt made a pass at me. I told him he has actually made 10. he got all excited and wanted to know when and how. he knows he's been flirting with me!! Said he is aware of my Little relationship with deceiver, that im a partb of his harem. Ouch! I told him I belonged to no harem, but basically he wont make moves although he is for that reason. wants me to help him sort hs house out(its a mess) coz he aint in a relationship and does not want to invest his emotions in other people. I really did not like being called part of a harem. Some people say im his ex-girlfriend and i am not. i was invited to a party, then diinvited and got an explanation yesterday: apparently deievers exes had been invited in the past and he doesnt like it. I mean i am not his ex. well ex fuck anyway becuase i was never his girl. actually my problem had always been in defining weho i am where he is concerned. its get worse though...

This fucking borders on the ridiculos. yesterday I sent a friend a tex to meet for tea or whatever. I could feel my mood sliding on a downward spiral and thought I should contact a friend who could perk me up. this was arounbd pm. He only responded at 7pm to meet at 9:30. I told him to make it earlier but by then i wasn't too eager to meet. Like I said downward spiral.

went after texting i went off to have tea at costas(have to penny pich now), READ SOME PAPERS and then went home to do my hair. later on i went to make a call abroad and on my way back, a guy started shouting for me to stop. well he was polite and kept saying "excuse me miss", so contrary to my usual behaviour i stopped and turned. He said askied me if i was at some fashion-show during the carnival. I wondered if this was the latest line guys feed girls to start conversing. It seems he was deadly serious though. I looked like someone who participated in some fashion show or he thought i was that person. I told him i would take that as a compliment and so that is how our conversation started.

He was attracted to me, not sure if he was looking for booty or not(probably), we talked, he talked about how people who play hard to get in london lose out cos there are so many other women, available to "get" here. I told him, thats well and good for those who are after shag after shag, but that sometimes it's nice to get to know someone on a mental level and actually enjoy their company without thinking you want to get them into bed.

Am I unreasonable or stuck up? I mean When i said that he seemed suprised, like i am te only person in london who would actually want to know people and not necessarily go out to pull all the time. does it not become a lonely existence in the end? when you see people only for what you can do with them sexually and nothing else?

Well, the friend called, we agreed on 8:30. we went to a nice bar, i had orange juice, he had his usual guinnes, I had intended to stay for 1hr, it turned into 2. the other guy i had met before sent a text to ask how tea was going coz I had told him we'll be having tea. I thought that was funny!, he wanted to meet after my tea. I was on red alert and said some other time. we can play this "getting to know u game" even though i know what he wants. Unfortunately i wasnt attracted to him so he would make a good mate. he made me laugh a lot so that was good.

I saw deciever's brother at a tesco. very well built guy with a personality to match. Now I should have met him first... we said hello and i went off. he never interfers or says anything since he knows his brother is a rat and the number of women who go into that house are as different as the summer days in london. My aunt used to say my cousin(her son) changes women like petticoats. I thought that was harsh, now i know what she meant.

Had a nightmarea about deciever, which is probably why im rambling about inane things today. Im not sure if i want to see him or whats going on.I mean i went past his house yesterday without so much as a glance. i feel the moment to have sorted things out is gone. I am closing up, and he is.. well i dont know what he is doing, but i dont wat to be calling him again and again. im not psychotic.tonight is the night though, I will try to get into a vibrant mood and have fun.

Im gonna walk the market now, chances are i will bump into the older guy and we will have a good laugh.

im going to my very first hen party on saturday and so hope i come back in one piece.

PEACE

Im going to be short today coz im in a hurry. Tomorrow is D-day for deceiver's function and for me to go help out. So i am preparing myself, thinking of fixing my hair. Understand, this is not for him, this is for moi, so i can look good. Ive washed my low-rise jeans, they should be nice and snug tomorrow and fit tight in all the right places.

yes, i will help out, but i am going with friends, whom he was wondering if i will be spending a lot of time with. hello, they are independent, and i am not their mummy.

Lets see if there is intereference tomorrow. I actually feel free now. lets see what tomorrow brings, hopefully lotsa excitement and gossip. I cant wait, and thursday isnt over yet. I am like a little child who has discovered santa does not exist and is ok with it. Thats a bit dangerous isn't it? kids freak out at things like that.

However, i am keeping myself calm, will see the friend who was jealous of the old geezer last week today. ooohhh miss phine is playing some fine games these day. not getting burned yet
later