Shit endured

I am feeling out of sorts today. It has to do with the fact that i was feeling a bit sick yesterday, and that whole incident with bimbo when i was leaving deciever's house affected me.So my liver recovered a bit, i had a nandos meal, nothing elaborate just some rice, chicken(after all that chicken from carnival), and then I went to bed after mid-night. I am now sitting in my class of graphic designing doing jack shit. I slept on the bus(had to take three buses to come to this forsaken place.

No breakfast so I am a bit hungry, I feel a little tired ut maybe im depressed. Nothing from Deceiver ofcourse(what did I expect), had a call from a friend whom I feel sorta chickened out of what could've happened with us. understandably so after his last ex(psychotic). Now I guess I am lonely(emotionally and need a hug). god how sad is this

On the bright side, I have been invited to go an watch a play tomorrow. Its apparently press night but The person I am going to ditched another journalist to go with me. he thinks I might contirbute better to his article, he made it clear that he doesnt need my help. coz he doesnt(he is well over 60 with a lot of experience). but i will get to meet one actor and i am over the moon about meeting this particular person. maybe my luck with work will change...maybe its wishful thinking.

Miss christain called to confirm our date for friday. she is cooking dinner for me and basically wants us to sit and talk. Undersatnd that to mean, her trying to convert me into a born again christian, lots of praying and singin. I dread it. couldnt say no. not the best way to spend a friday evening. maybe there will be divine intervention.

On saturday deciever's friend invited me to a perty at his house. deiever a will be there, he said to bring a friend, I want to go, it should be fun, but fuck it im not feeling emotionally stable.

Went to the women's clinic yesterday. I have lost 2kg. want to lose a couple more and really start excercising and get toned. no its not vanity, i want to look good, and maybe have happy hormones flowing thru my system.

Im gone, sorry i sound so lame, Im keeping all knives away from my wrists!

What a carnival! I decided to go to church on Sunday. Actually a girl who has been trying to "save" me and get me to be a born-again christian called me and I knew she wanted to invite me. so before she said anything, i just said hello , what time is the service i will be there tomorrow. she was ecstatic! So I went, the service was only 2hrs but i kept dozing while they were preachin. I had slept at 4am on saturday so hurray to me for actually getting up and being there at 11am.

After that, around 2:30pm I went looking for the deciever so i could get my free drinks. God knows I have paid my dues where that person is concerned. I must have had 7 or 8. felt quite drunk when I sat down eventually. Its a good thing there were concerts going on and i could dance and sweat the alcohol off.

Yesterday, which was the main day was great. I went with a friend, I believe we redefined the meaning of dancing and getting down at powis square where they had bands performing!!I was wearing a denim mini and a g-string Im sure some of those photographers who were taking low angle shots got my ass. I dont care it's "p-h-i-n-e" fine!

So i continued my drinking, the deciever wanted to admonish me at one point, i told him to shut it and just give me the drinks. I mean I did actually pay for a few and if I want a drink a minute why not. I was drinking water in between so i was not irresponsible. his friends we great too, one of them invited me to a party next saturday.

most people went to the deciever's house in the end. as soon as I sat down, I felt all the alcohol kicking in. So I drank water, made myself camomile tea, which wasnt a very good idea coz I think i put in too much sugar. people, left, I remained with his brother who was concerned and asked if I was staying. How could I stay? deceiver was nowhere to be found. he had holed himself up in one room and did not come out, so how could i presume to stay? it would have to be in his bed and there might have been another madam coming. So I decided to go.
As I left, the Bimbo came in, went past me without as much as a hello and I briefly wondered if she was staying the night. this was at 10:30pm. but then i decided, it doesnt really matter. I can give the situation power over me and toss and turn wondering if they are fucking or not, but in the end what would it matter. I still want to bitchslap her though, for her transgressions against me.

So I left, worked those hips in my heels and went home to bed. no more thoughts about bimbo and deceiver. well, a tinge of something inside but fuck it.

He was very nice to me actually but that means fuckall. Anyway, carnival was great, better than last year I think...ope the pictures are wicked and |I can post them!!

I am feeling blue right now and that wasnt the case earlier today. I went to Camden town out of boredom, and because when I am feeling restless as I am, i go off and spend money on a psychic. I believe I did that a month ago, saw a female, today I decided to see a man.

Interstingly they had very similar things to say if they are to be believed. They see me travelling abroad later in the year. the man was specific, round december or early spring like february. The both say I have a lot of decisions to make regarding work, where i live and love life. But that applies to everyone I think. He also said I have a spiritual psychic gift and he could train me.

Tha jolted me because he is the 4th person to say that to me. All the other people were from diffrent countries at diffrent times. So it seems I am wasting my time trying to eke out a living like everyone else because my purpose lies in healing. What scared me a bit though was when he said this year is good for me to do whatever I want. If I dont grab the opportunities, they will only reappear in 9 years. He went on about me having a baby, I told him I dont want any and it wont happen, I am making sure. three times that came to him.

And of course he went on to the issue of men. I apparently had a man on my mind and we needed to resolve our situation. That could only have been the deciever. There is nothing there. I dont love him, he doesn't love me but feels no malice towards me. This man said a man only requires great sex from a woman then he might feel something otherwise they dont give a shit. If I have issues of his philandering or whatever I should talk to my girlfriends. Yet, he tolds me I would meet a man in february who will love me and I will need to make decisions. So, the sex thing is bullshit that. I mean I believ a guy can decide just as a woman can whether they really LIKE you or whether they are out for a shag and to let to go.

So now I am feeling a bit down, can't understand why. Not sure if I should continue on this friendship vein with deciever or not talk to him. he is like a drug I am addicted to. I am on a high after seeing him(no sex) and then I crash and crave him a bit.

I am thinking maybe I should seduce him and I should shag him on my terms and spit it out, but seeing how I am a fiery aries, that would probably be disastrous for me. It's not as if it was anything to write about before anyway so what the fuck is my problem? do i not want to let go? mind you this is the first person I really let into my life properly. perhaps I should not have seen the psychic. I am left with more questions than answers.

I'll just get drunk and be merry at carnival....

I am feeling blue right now and that wasnt the case earlier today. I went to Camden town out of boredom, and because when I am feeling restless as I am, i go off and spend money on a psychic. I believe I did that a month ago, saw a female, today I decided to see a man.

Interstingly they had very similar things to say if they are to be believed. They see me travelling abroad later in the year. the man was specific, round december or early spring like february. The both say I have a lot of decisions to make regarding work, where i live and love life. But that applies to everyone I think. He also said I have a spiritual psychic gift and he could train me.

Tha jolted me because he is the 4th person to say that to me. All the other people were from diffrent countries at diffrent times. So it seems I am wasting my time trying to eke out a living like everyone else because my purpose lies in healing. What scared me a bit though was when he said this year is good for me to do whatever I want. If I dont grab the opportunities, they will only reappear in 9 years. He went on about me having a baby, I told him I dont want any and it wont happen, I am making sure. three times that came to him.

And of course he went on to the issue of men. I apparently had a man on my mind and we needed to resolve our situation. That could only have been the deciever. There is nothing there. I dont love him, he doesn't love me but feels no malice towards me. This man said a man only requires great sex from a woman then he might feel something otherwise they dont give a shit. If I have issues of his philandering or whatever I should talk to my girlfriends. Yet, he tolds me I would meet a man in february who will love me and I will need to make decisions. So, the sex thing is bullshit that. I mean I believ a guy can decide just as a woman can whether they really LIKE you or whether they are out for a shag and to let to go.

So now I am feeling a bit down, can't understand why. Not sure if I should continue on this friendship vein with deciever or not talk to him. he is like a drug I am addicted to. I am on a high after seeing him(no sex) and then I crash and crave him a bit.

I am thinking maybe I should seduce him and I should shag him on my terms and spit it out, but seeing how I am a fiery aries, that would probably be disastrous for me. It's not as if it was anything to write about before anyway so what the fuck is my problem? do i not want to let go? mind you this is the first person I really let into my life properly. perhaps I should not have seen the psychic. I am left with more questions than answers.

I'll just get drunk and be merry at carnival....

I went to the nottinghill carnival for the first time last year. Most people has warned me and said it was vioelent, people get killed all the time and I would be better of staying indoors. I saw a pattern emerging with the kind of people who were saying these things. I thought, if the people in Rio survived every year, in one of the most chaotic cities in the workld then there was nothing wrong with nottinghill.

It was great, I went with some work colleagues, from eaurope, australia and the far east and so it was a bunch of people from diffrent cultures. we had fun. The deceiever offered us free booze, and they seemed paralysed by the offer. I thought to myself, what am I doing with these people here? the aussie girl was game ofcourse and we had our steady stream of alcohol throughout the day. I saw the float, danced a bit, did some reggae moves, danced on stage at one corner with some performer and had a great time. It rained a bit but it was nothing we couldnt handle.

This year I am not so sure about it. I am not particularly excited, dont know who i am going with yet and the worst thing would be going by myself and having nobody to hang around with. Hopefully that will not happen. It only ends at 7pm which is boring but in theis weather, i am thankful. winter is here in ful force. whoever says we are in autumn is deluding themselves.
So have a great one, i am sure I will survive it. the best thing is all those gorgeous hunks out there. Last year I was deluded myself into thinking the deceiever was my hunk and I his princess. I know better now of course,so i will be out there on the prowl. I hope a miracle occurs, it getds hot ant and i can wear my mini and high sandals.
NOW NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO RESISTS THAT...GUARANTEED

After the blast from the past's text, i went off to visit a friend. I had an AP with the deceiver. It went suprisingly well. We chatted as he took a bath and then and continued to chat while he sat there naked. eventually he said he was going to bed was i coming. it was after midnight by then so i said yes. Remeber i did say i had a bucketful of cold water.
anwyay, we started watching some DVDs on his laptop, funny ones, when that was done, he started touching me, pulling me close to him and saying it had been a while since we were together. I told him" i am not what you want or what you need so lets not do this to ourselves". he asked what i was then, i said you tell me. he said you are here, and i said, aah the truth comes out. so he wants to shag, coz I am there. So we didn't. I really did not want to, there is too much stuff and between and since I know that he doesnt get up in the morning and think of me, that made it easier.

however we had a good time in the morning. trying to teach each other french and spanish, cuddling and that sort of think. he said he wanted me and that i must just give it up. I told him, he thinks he does but actually he doesn't. he did not pursue it, so u can see it was half-hearted attempts to try and see how far he could get.
Well, I am not playing those games anymore. I had a good time and I did not waver when it mattered most although it might have been easier just to capitulate and then cry later. More respect to me I say.

So I just returned from his place, yes did my walk of shame except this time There was no shame and it did not matter. something for him to ponder. I am actually glad this happened, I do believe I am truly over that whole thing, I might feel diffrently tomorrow, but I feel splendid right now.

I just received a text from a man i met two years ago. he used to go past my workplace and wave thry the glass wall and I would smile and wave back. then one day he came in to tell me the reason he walks past everyday during his ;lunch break is coz he thinks im very attarctvive and have a beautiful body. I thanked him. My boss thought he was a bit weird and so he called me into the office on the pretext that i had a phone call. I laughed at that, but atleast he looked out for me.

Then at christmas last year I got a text wishing me"meery christmas darling". i had no idea who this came from, replied and said merry x-mas too. had lost my phone with contacts earlier in the year.
Now, he has just said hello, this time he mentioned who he is and by God I remebered him. That is the problem with having a sharp memory I think. I tend to remeber names and faces but After a year????? How come he still has my digits? why today of all days is he texting to say hello? am i on his mind? is he running thru his phone and texting strange looking numbers?
doesnt really matter, london is back to its pissing self so i suppose some long forgotten-vague acquaintance saying hello out of the blue isnt bad.
After all i did say hello to the deceiever after 7months of silence. so maybe that is not so strange after all.
I am seeing him later, yes i am playing with fire except I have butkctesfull of icy cold water at hand, so the will be no fires ignited...if you know what i mean
cheers

I just received a text from a man i met two years ago. he used to go past my workplace and wave thry the glass wall and I would smile and wave back. then one day he came in to tell me the reason he walks past everyday during his ;lunch break is coz he thinks im very attarctvive and have a beautiful body. I thanked him. My boss thought he was a bit weird and so he called me into the office on the pretext that i had a phone call. I laughed at that, but atleast he looked out for me.

Then at christmas last year I got a text wishing me"meery christmas darling". i had no idea who this came from, replied and said merry x-mas too. had lost my phone with contacts earlier in the year.
Now, he has just said hello, this time he mentioned who he is and by God I remebered him. That is the problem with having a sharp memory I think. I tend to remeber names and faces but After a year????? How come he still has my digits? why today of all days is he texting to say hello? am i on his mind? is he running thru his phone and texting strange looking numbers?
doesnt really matter, london is back to its pissing self so i suppose some long forgotten-vague acquaintance saying hello out of the blue isnt bad.
After all i did say hello to the deceiever after 7months of silence. so maybe that is not so strange after all.
I am seeing him later, yes i am playing with fire except I have butkctesfull of icy cold water at hand, so the will be no fires ignited...if you know what i mean
cheers

I just received a text from a man i met two years ago. he used to go past my workplace and wave thry the glass wall and I would smile and wave back. then one day he came in to tell me the reason he walks past everyday during his ;lunch break is coz he thinks im very attarctvive and have a beautiful body. I thanked him. My boss thought he was a bit weird and so he called me into the office on the pretext that i had a phone call. I laughed at that, but atleast he looked out for me.

Then at christmas last year I got a text wishing me"meery christmas darling". i had no idea who this came from, replied and said merry x-mas too. had lost my phone with contacts earlier in the year.
Now, he has just said hello, this time he mentioned who he is and by God I remebered him. That is the problem with having a sharp memory I think. I tend to remeber names and faces but After a year????? How come he still has my digits? why today of all days is he texting to say hello? am i on his mind? is he running thru his phone and texting strange looking numbers?
doesnt really matter, london is back to its pissing self so i suppose some long forgotten-vague acquaintance saying hello out of the blue isnt bad.
After all i did say hello to the deceiever after 7months of silence. so maybe that is not so strange after all.
I am seeing him later, yes i am playing with fire except I have butkctesfull of icy cold water at hand, so the will be no fires ignited...if you know what i mean
cheers

I have heard so many people say we all have free will. What exactly is free will will. Nobody is free first of all, by virtue of that fact that someone brought you on to this earth and you are wholly dependent on them for all of your life, whether u choose to admit it or not.

Free will.Whenever people want to indulge in something naughty, something risque(cant do the french"e" sorry), something diabolically, deliciously fulfilling, the free will theory comes in and messes everyone up.
Let me go to Big brother6 for a bit: science was arguing with kemal one time coz kemal was accusing him of being homophobic. he said god made adam and eve and not adam and steve but we all have free will. we can do whatever we want, whever we want with whoever. but do we do it willingly and freely or do we have an invisible albatross hanging around our necks because we willed or raher let ourselves enjoy what we wanted contarty to societal approval?

sounds like chaos to me. I think like eveything on this earth, "free will" is a selective thing, just like reality. I mean we chosse to see what we want when we want, not because we are free to do so, but because the circumstances we find ourselves in at that particular moment disctates that we respond in a crtain way.
confused? don't be, im just rambling coz I cant concentrate on this graphics designing course im taking.

I wish i was free to do things willingly without the usual repercussions. I dare someon to give me a mission to fulfil, using my "freewill" and lets see if i am a wimp or not
dont be too harsh though

I found my way today. It took 4buses to get to this place. I cannot believe there is no actual bus that comes here except for a night bus. I cannot use the tube, zone 3 is too expensive atleast not while i am waiting for my student discount thing which i will have to post today. I need to sit here for 9hrs today but i will take breaks in between. I should if i know whats good forme.

I read a blog from someone called pizzaq yesterday. had some interesting questions about who we are or what we are etc. cant quite remember. But anyway, I asked her if she things we are who we are from birth or whether we are shaped by the events that take place in our lives. she reckon, who we are changes constatly and what we are stays the same. I think it's the other way round but each to her own.

Feeling a bit despondent today. the weather is good, so i could go out later, maybe not. I didnt sleep well, and had to get up early. However i realised how lucky i am when i read in the metro about the woman who drowned with her kids as she was trying to save them. I'm not sure i could ever be that brave to jump in after anyone. some of you might say its coz i havent experienced the joys of motherhood.

I probably wont meet up with the deciever. will look for other decievers instead
later

fuck this! i have just put my raw feelings down and the whole thing has gone and disappeared. I can't go back coz I have to rush out.
basically I saw a barbie who used me to hook up with the deceiver last year yesterday. It hurt me incredibly. there is emotional closeness there that we never had and I wanted to scream, such was the pain I felt inside.

Why did i have to see her? i mean this bitch pretended to be my friend. however, i could see he was inetersted so whats the point of fighting for someone who isnt into you anymore, or is giving u mixed signals and confusing you? I was too fucked up to get out anyway so i let the whole drama play out to the bitter end.

of course to this day he denieds that there is something between him and barbie, i mean even Stevie wonder and ray charles can see it, as can everyone else. who's foolin' who here?

Im not sure I should meet him tomorrow as scheduled, what i saw yesterday is just bringing back bad memories. How do i broach the subject though? i mean it's my issues not his. he doesnt give a shit and to him we could just pick up where we left off(you know a dog will take any bone it's offered). But this whole thing is wheighing on me and i need to get if off my chest.

I gotta rush, please let me know if there is anyway to recover a draft when its not posted yet.

The weekend is almost over and my cold has now turned into a cough. Nothing too bad, but enough to curse and wish to banish it to hell...wherever that is. I'm still a bit nasal,a girlfriend said i sounded funny yesterday but she said she could tell i was sick.

I might have aggravated the cold by going out on friday. I hadn't intended to. It was a friend's birthday, I had intended to chill out with her for a coupla hrs and gone back to mine, but no, she was running late. A bunch of her other girlfriends steadily arrived(i wasnt even dressed to go out, and we had to wait on her highness and till almost 9:30pm. this was from 6pm that day. The issue: HAIR!!! Jesus,(i don't mean to take his name invain) but what is the issue with women and their hair?

I know it sounds a bit strange me being a woman and all but gosh to have to wait for three hrs! in the end we ad to fork out money wherever we went. It was alright, many delectable men there although i wasnt out on the prowl. How could I with the cold and all, but i did dance with a coupla guys and saw a few more ogling. I believe it was in appreciation and not because they necessarily had impure thoughts. Although I wouldn't blame them if I were them watching me dance!

Ok, let me stop with the narcissistic bullshit. It was great, we all went to bad around 4:30am. I couldnt bring myself to eat Mcdonalds at 4:00am like they all did. filthy habit i thought. It's all really mind over matter when you eat at inappropriate times(look who's talking).

It's bright and sunny today, so I will take a walk in the park and maybe go to a spiritualist church later this evening. I only go to the place occasionally and only because they have mediums . I perpetually hope someone from the other side(actually my mother will come thru and tell me she is ok). her death recently was horrific at the hands of a hospital and i need to reconcile myself with that.

otherwise, it's been a good weekend. I have just read a book by an author i discovered called Anita Shreve this one is called:Strange fits of passion.

That woman knows how to pull your emotions every-which-way. No, she is not soppy, her writing is eloquent and lyrical and you are always left reeling and pondering stuff. Deep yes, but great. I have read four of her books now. gripping stuff. try them and tell me what you think. Another one that struck a cord was "The last time they met"

other than that, it looks like i might be getting work in the next two weeks i hope so, fuck i need it. And the deciever(sorry but he prompted this blog so i have to give him his due.haa!haa)called, wants to hang out if i have time. I told him he sounded really busy, what with meetings and other things. So, he said he will be free on tuesday. I will see if I am. Part of me wants to play this out, and another just wants to shut down. I am trying to be honest with myself, pehaps I don't know how. All I know is that i am not like i was before, the emotional roller coaster has ebbed and i can spend time alone without him creeping into my thoughts. tats a great continuation i think

Shit, it's been raining steadily since arly this morning. why on a day like this I ask you. the whole bloody week has been hot and now it looks like the weekend is going to be wet. If only I was in a position to be happy about this.

I could be in bed, indoors doing all kinds of licentious activities with someone I enjoy doing that with, but my particular reality dictates that I go outside or eslewhere to amuse myself.
Is that pathetic or what?! Mind you, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just pissed that it's pissing cats and dogs, although i havent seen any which makes me wonder where the expression comes from.

I am making a conscious decision to stop deluding myself about the deciever. I mean I never ever thought he was "the One" whatever that is(im getting cynical these days) but i guess I always wished he was nicer or more tender, or whatever other soppy shit! That is not the case, never will be.

Can someone come up with a remedy for switching feeling on and off, like erasing people and memories so they never bother us again? whoever said we are our own worst enemies....i want to slap them for being right.
its a friend's birthday today. she called last night, I will not be buying a prezzie coz I didnt know, but i few drinks will go down well, the we can gossip and get a move on.

Also I have decided to start running again. I want people to think im going to gym again when Im not, its better than worrying, cant have the blood pressure shooting up. They say only the good die young, and I still want to be bad...only a little.

cheers

why do we sound whiney when our noses are blocked? I swear since my voice is a little on the deep side( or so i wish because it's supposed to be sexy on a woman), the combination with blocked nose just makes me sound weird.

I have puit on a new pair of jeans today as a trial run for tomorrow possibly. I am meeting a friend, we are going to the movies, maybe a dinner maybe whatever. I have discovered that as a girl, no woman, i always want to look good whether I am meeting a friend or not(we are talking males here). I remember how I agonised over what to wear to meet the deciever two weeks ago. in the enfd I wore black trousers(they always slim you down) and he thought I looked fabulous. that was my whole point, for him to ogle and go"Damn, how did I lose this beauty". round two is coming, I will look fabulous again, and ther wont be anything he can do about it.
oh, he called me late afternoon yesterday, we had a little chat, i was grinning like a fool after and thern reminded myself of the humiliations I encountered at this man's hands. I am sure the time is coming when we will have a a haerat to heart I hope I can keep my emotions in check, not yell and say what I want in that dispassionate voice. maybe then, i can stop bombarding you guys with this rubbish!!

other than that, all is ok, cr9ossing fingers for the job. maybe i should try speed dating for the hell of it. maybe not.
cheers

i am hunting for a job today. I am not sure what i wil get because my enthusiasm has diminished so much. I have been searching and searching. people say it's easy, I have sort of given up really. what can one do? I am going to drop off my application at a coffee shop. what i really want is an office job without all the associated stress. Better stil what about the lottery?!

I am coming down with a cold. been sneezing since last night and now i have to blow my nose every two minutes. what else is in store for me?

I friend of mine is coming over on wednesday. I like him, he likes.my associattion with that deciever is standing in the way. I uess i am giving him more power that he deserves over me. I mean I can choose how i react in situations can't I? easier said than done.

I'm off now, hope I get something crappy that will pay me anyway.
cheerio

it rained on and off today. I was suposed to go to a spiritualist church in North London(I am craving to speak to a psychic these days, like it would solve all my problems). I decided not to go. I thought I might meet a girlfriend for a gossip and there was the option of going to a film festival.We sat at a bar instead and drank. Well I had a barcadi with coke and then a mango juice after. one girlfriend had the juice and applauded me for staying off alcohol(as if I have been drinking forever!),the guyfriend lazily dealt witrh guiness. We did not see the movies, it was a nice afternoon turned evening.
I just stuffed myself with chips coz I felt like it. No guilt there. I can run off the "fat" at the park.

I rang him, it went to voicemail. I left a message to ring back. It hasnt happened. I ma sure he got the message. I'm not gutted though. the whole rejection thing i felt on tuesday is not there. well...just a little pang, but im not suicidal. I reckon when he is desperate or ready he will call. Everything between us seems measured. The games have begun and it's round two. I know the pattern: send text, feel like shit while he toys with my feelings. Recieve text from him out of the blue, have my heart thump away gratefully. wait for next round.

I sure as hell will not handle things that way again.
pray and hope that i can keep it together this time and not get overly excited.
later!

it rained on and off today. I was suposed to go to a spiritualist church in North London(I am craving to speak to a psychic these days, like it would solve all my problems). I decided not to go. I thought I might meet a girlfriend for a gossip and there was the option of going to a film festival.We sat at a bar instead and drank. Well I had a barcadi with coke and then a mango juice after. one girlfriend had the juice and applauded me for staying off alcohol(as if I have been drinking forever!),the guyfriend lazily dealt witrh guiness. We did not see the movies, it was a nice afternoon turned evening.
I just stuffed myself with chips coz I felt like it. No guilt there. I can run off the "fat" at the park.

I rang him, it went to voicemail. I left a message to ring back. It hasnt happened. I ma sure he got the message. I'm not gutted though. the whole rejection thing i felt on tuesday is not there. well...just a little pang, but im not suicidal. I reckon when he is desperate or ready he will call. Everything between us seems measured. The games have begun and it's round two. I know the pattern: send text, feel like shit while he toys with my feelings. Recieve text from him out of the blue, have my heart thump away gratefully. wait for next round.

I sure as hell will not handle things that way again.
pray and hope that i can keep it together this time and not get overly excited.
later!

it rained on and off today. I was suposed to go to a spiritualist church in North London(I am craving to speak to a psychic these days, like it would solve all my problems). I decided not to go. I thought I might meet a girlfriend for a gossip and there was the option of going to a film festival.We sat at a bar instead and drank. Well I had a barcadi with coke and then a mango juice after. one girlfriend had the juice and applauded me for staying off alcohol(as if I have been drinking forever!),the guyfriend lazily dealt witrh guiness. We did not see the movies, it was a nice afternoon turned evening.
I just stuffed myself with chips coz I felt like it. No guilt there. I can run off the "fat" at the park.

I rang him, it went to voicemail. I left a message to ring back. It hasnt happened. I ma sure he got the message. I'm not gutted though. the whole rejection thing i felt on tuesday is not there. well...just a little pang, but im not suicidal. I reckon when he is desperate or ready he will call. Everything between us seems measured. The games have begun and it's round two. I know the pattern: send text, feel like shit while he toys with my feelings. Recieve text from him out of the blue, have my heart thump away gratefully. wait for next round.

I sure as hell will not handle things that way again.
pray and hope that i can keep it together this time and not get overly excited.
later!

I went out to a market in dalston today. lots of fish everywhere. most of it smelly.lots of people and african food. Inetersting stuff. I then went off to camden town with the two girls I was with. We were hoping to get chinese food for £2 before the market closed. we were too earlky and had to fork out £4 each. it was alright, i'm still full.

I was intending to stay in, but I'm feeling a little frisky.so maybe i will pop dowm to the pub or something. The guy wants to meet again. I'm telling you, this is what is called a mindfuck! your head gets so screwed, you can't bring for a few seconds, you stop talking mid-sentence with your friends because of a few words.

I will become friendlier and keep spychos at arms length as I have been adviced. But how does one know whether they are dealing with a cruel manipulator or not?do we judge based on our unreliable reaction or is a sixth sense supposed to kickin and alert us. what is it we are suposed to listen to. head or heart? can they both be misleading?

I do hope though most normal people don't evoke such a mixture of feelings from others. It's something I don't feel I can cope with.
Same pattern emerging.
aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!!

I think I am going to kill myself. No, this is no drama. I cant take this hell anymore. Why should one have to suffer this way?? it's not worth it!! A friend yesterday told me life is all about luck, which is why some people "push their" luck and it doesnt work out for them, with others things just come easily.

I cannot believe that we are put on this earth so we can "try our luck!". That is absolute bullshit. I had a discussion yesterday with two born again girls about the merits of prayer and how God solves everthing etc... Cant buy into that.

Maybe the next life(haa haa) will be better. I am actually too much of a coward to just end my life so unless someone has a better solution(besides "things will get better" "life is all about challenges" then i am all ears. what i am going thru now emotionally and every other way.... its just time to pack it in I reckon

I think I am going to kill myself. No, this is no drama. I cant take this hell anymore. Why should one have to suffer this way?? it's not worth it!! A friend yesterday told me life is all about luck, which is why some people "push their" luck and it doesnt work out for them, with others things just come easily.

I cannot believe that we are put on this earth so we can "try our luck!". That is absolute bullshit. I had a discussion yesterday with two born again girls about the merits of prayer and how God solves everthing etc... Cant buy into that.

Maybe the next life(haa haa) will be better. I am actually too much of a coward to just end my life so unless someone has a better solution(besides "things will get better" "life is all about challenges" then i am all ears. what i am going thru now emotionally and every other way.... its just time to pack it in I reckon

I feel a bit better today. A strom is brewing inside me but i will come down. I always do. there. my emails have been deleted, everything from my inbox to all my floders. what a shock!! i wonder if it's "Big Brother" accessing my info. this has really unsettled me!

Everytime a good thing happens to me, i say"maybe God exists afterall). the rest of the time, i bemoan and question his/her/its existence. However, I can verify that in the past couple of days some very good thing have happened in my my life that have prompted me to atleast believe there is something out there looking out for me even though i dont always believe it.
Things seem to be on the upswing but if anybody knows a pyschic, or a medium here in London, can you kindly pass the details on to me? i dont mean charlatans, i mean someone real who can connect me with the other side. I need closure on certain aspects of my life, or maybe continuation. Fuck knows

The weather is great, i am meeting a friend I havent seen in a couple of months.mmmm.... that is all im willing to say for now.

cheerio

Hi, thIs may be a tired old tOpic but it's weighing doWn on me. Has anyone ever entered into a relationship, or something with someone that was doomed, got their heart shattered into a millin pieces and a lot of other thIngs that i will not mention at this present moment, fled the country, recovered for a bit and saw the person again months later? you think you are healed and everything is ok. you speak to each other as if nothing ever happened but i can feel myself simmering beneaththe surface.I'm not sure if it's the fact that we are s polite and laugh together, whether it's the in-betweeners that are still there that bug me. Or whether i'm jut weak and need help.

I guess whatt i really want is to bitch-slap this man, tell him how awful he was and continues to be and feel better about myself.Instead, I feel myself regressing to the little doormat i used to be. Ofcourse communication has always been a problem, but i had convinced myself that meeting up as friends and on my terms would be good closure since we never had that. Instead, I feel like I have opened up another can of worms, or atleast the lid is half open and a storm is brewing.
What am i to do? Until a week ago, i was very stable in my thoughts and what I wanted to do. I did not particularly want to see this person even though i wanted to (most women will understand and some men I'm sure.)

But it happened,(i mean the meeting), it was pleasant enough and now i feel a bit depressed. A tarot reader told me she sees a relationship from the past, that is unresolved coming to some sort of stabilty. huh?! She said i can do what i want and call the shots and i will actually be more domninant. Those poor cards, such important words. all bullshit Im afraid.

He doesnt want me,as a womanor as a friend. never really has. never will. Therein lies my malady,
SOMEONE HELP ME!!

I have have tried to be a good friend but when you are constantly enduring crap here in London, and you have friends who are willing to help you out, you accept as graciously as you can. I have had a person in my life who has been like that.

She hurt me terribly this past saturday though. Told me only call her when i need a favour. Ironically, for the past two weeks I had been phoning her to see how she is dong,(she'd said she was sick) I was checking to see if she s well. Emals, voicemail messages, text messages. No response. Then i got tat rubbish I about not being concerned about her. What the hell ask you!! I sent a text back and remnded her how i have been calling out of concern. Her last word was "WHATEVER!". TO ME THAT MEANT FUCK OFF OR PISS OFF. Granted she has done a lot for me but what can i do for her when she has a roof over her head and a job, two things I do not have at the moment?

I am pissed off. I try to do my best for my so-called friends by being there for them when i can but if they are always counting the so-called favours that they are doing for you then it's not friendship is it? They can dredge up everythng one day and throw it on your face and you won't have a leg to stand on.

I have learned, being alone is much better. Let the struggle continue and let's all be our own friends and keep the foes even further away!!!
I'm out

I have have tried to be a good friend but when you are constantly enduring crap here in London, and you have friends who are willing to help you out, you accept as graciously as you can. I have had a person in my life who has been like that.

She hurt me terribly this past saturday though. Told me only call her when i need a favour. Ironically, for the past two weeks I had been phoning her to see how she is dong,(she'd said she was sick) I was checking to see if she s well. Emals, voicemail messages, text messages. No response. Then i got tat rubbish I about not being concerned about her. What the hell ask you!! I sent a text back and remnded her how i have been calling out of concern. Her last word was "WHATEVER!". TO ME THAT MEANT FUCK OFF OR PISS OFF. Granted she has done a lot for me but what can i do for her when she has a roof over her head and a job, two things I do not have at the moment?

I am pissed off. I try to do my best for my so-called friends by being there for them when i can but if they are always counting the so-called favours that they are doing for you then it's not friendship is it? They can dredge up everythng one day and throw it on your face and you won't have a leg to stand on.

I have learned, being alone is much better. Let the struggle continue and let's all be our own friends and keep the foes even further away!!!
I'm out

I have have tried to be a good friend but when you are constantly enduring crap here in London, and you have friends who are willing to help you out, you accept as graciously as you can. I have had a person in my life who has been like that.

She hurt me terribly this past saturday though. Told me only call her when i need a favour. Ironically, for the past two weeks I had been phoning her to see how she is dong,(she'd said she was sick) I was checking to see if she s well. Emals, voicemail messages, text messages. No response. Then i got tat rubbish I about not being concerned about her. What the hell ask you!! I sent a text back and remnded her how i have been calling out of concern. Her last word was "WHATEVER!". TO ME THAT MEANT FUCK OFF OR PISS OFF. Granted she has done a lot for me but what can i do for her when she has a roof over her head and a job, two things I do not have at the moment?

I am pissed off. I try to do my best for my so-called friends by being there for them when i can but if they are always counting the so-called favours that they are doing for you then it's not friendship is it? They can dredge up everythng one day and throw it on your face and you won't have a leg to stand on.

I have learned, being alone is much better. Let the struggle continue and let's all be our own friends and keep the foes even further away!!!
I'm out

Whoever came up with the term "friend" must have been drunk or they were probabaly hallucinating. Such a term does not exist. Such people do not exists. I have had a rude awkening.... more later, i'm too worked up now!!