Gosh, i feel like i've been gone forever. I probably have and i am surprised i still have friends on my friends list. Thank you all

With my birthday two weeks ago(thanks Antlady, Sean,and Neil for your emails), i had a lot of fun. It was a three day clebration since the various friends I have can't necessarily meet. There are born again-christians who refuse to go into bars or pubs as they think it's a sin, then there are others who talk about sex and (sex)toys all the time, those who confess to being bisexual and share their fantasies casually over drinks so u can understand why i had to see them separately.

Anyway, on the thursday, the actual birthday i went out with a girl friend and we demolished a bottle of chardonnay. We were rudely interrrupted by another girl who was demanding to see me the following day or she wouldn't turn up for drinks on saturday. I told her off and put the phone down. This is someone who says she has to see me atleast once a week and it's true because she rocks up at my place of work to "pick me up".

Friday was the dinner with the more subdued and less outrageous friends. we went to a retsuarnt in nottinghill, i was late for my own do, one girl got the too early, there was confusion with the table and our table was given away so i had to shoo-out my friend who was getting dressed at my place to go and sort out the mess as the other girl's phone calls were doing my head in.

It worked out well, they all said i looked stunning(i guess you have to don't you?) but i had taken care with make up, wore a white summer dress, miraculously london was quite warm that evening and made sure my cleavage was shown to the best advantage. I didnt mind when the guys at the table talked to the cleavage instead of me.

Saturday was drinks day with a totaly different group at a bar round the city. We all missed out last tubes, (too much red wine). i fell alseep on the night bus, woke up in Action and had to pound the pavements back home. I must really be getting old. at 1am, i got a text from a friend saying"i am home, are you ok?". I wasnt because at that stage i had taken my shoes off and was walking barefoot. Naturally there were no buses going in my direction and so I eventually got a bus 10minutes from home. I got in at 4am and had to be up for work before 6am. That was never gonna happen, i was two hours late for work, my kidneys hurt like hell but i functioned. Someone mistook me for a 20yr old and it just made my day.

I got lingerie as a present from a girl friend and she said she hoped i meet a nice man this year and wear it for him,. Well i havent met yet so i wore the set for myself the other day. Of course i took a picture and used it as a wall paper on my mobile, only to forget the phone at a certain wagamama yesterday. When i remembered and rushed back, the waiter wanted to play games, and i told him my phone had some rather saucy pics so i need it back. He pressed the standby button and just went "oh my god!!" and it was only two bra ensconed melons. he is lucky he dint get to see the boobs in the flesh and im sure he had some rather nice dreams.

Flatmate is pissing me off as usual. Landorld had a nervoue breakdown and was diagnosed with other health issues, he is now in a hospital...for the moment. the mind is coming back tho for he was able to tell one of the staff at the hospital that he would like another cup of tea as the other tasted like cat'c piss. He's got a sharp tongue.

I think i'm slowly getting myself back together if that is possible. I'll get the eventually and hopefully be around blogland a lot more.

cheers

Since quitting my job lastweek(yes, ityoed up the letter in the office printed it and left it for the insane manager). he rang me and pretended to not have seen the letter, choosing instead to harass and threaten me with nonpayment of wages. promptly fired off an email to the main boss and he is being investigated. I hope i will get paid.

Anywayy, having been umemployed this week, i have been getting up later(that's after getting up with palpitations at 5am and then going back to sleep), and generally gone out after 12noon. I decided to go to the west end today, i was looking for chaep trainers, so i walked up and down and of course i went into all the shops...most shops. I saw some stunning purple/violet shoes at Schuh! the problem is they cost £60 so i had to fondle them and move along.

Anyway, while braving the fog and the cold, I sunddenly spotted an amzonian looking woman in sheer black tights, the shortest hot pants, stilletos and horribly bleached hair.The roots were still dark at the bottom or maybe they were just growing out.

You should have seen the men. and the women From coppers to city boys to tourists every man went past her and stared, one guy bumped into a lamp post when he turned around.

It was hilarious and truly made my banal afternoon. I wondered if she knew the effect she was having on the male population. she must have with the fake fur coat. atleast she cares about animal wealth, or maybe she doesnt like being pelted with eggs by members of PETA.

Anyway, she had a cute ass, i mean it was all out there, i never saw her face and maybe it's for the best. I turned and had dinner at nandos. There is a nandos just off oxford street. i was very surprised but i probably needed the cider:p

Interesting day. I am invited to abirthday party this weekend in Canary wharf, i am friends with the birthday girl but there will be a bunch of strangers i have never met. I wonder if i should take a packed dinner!!! I have been thinking of calling alcoholics anonymous. I dont think i am an lcoholic but i think i might develop a problem so it's better to nip it in the bud...also i could fit into my sexy dresses if i lose the weight and stop the booze although it's not all the time to be honest:p
You should have seen the

probably one of my worst days in terms of depression. i must be doing something radically wrong for i never seem to learn from the past and that just exacerbates my anxiety and feelings of helplessness. I'm not sure if i can claw myself back this time. not sure i want to. i think the fight has left me. I mean the fight for other things, life, work, whatever. my friends want to see me and my first instict is to say "no" although i usually bite my tongue.

My new job isnt going very well, i was made to understand that the new boss was a bit of a lunatic but he is constantly reminding me there is a cooling off period and i may not have the job afterall and its the whole learning thing: i have put my eggs in one basket before.

So i am now in a panic, if i dont have a job in a week, in days, will i crawl and eat mud like snakes? do they eat mud?!
I feel like dwoning a bottle of wone, not because i desire wine but because i seem to think drinking will numb me. Maybe i am truly on my way to alcoholism although i have been pretty good in the past few days. I guess i just need to quell this feeling in my ribcage before it overtakes me.

I cant deal with my home sitiutaion, my financial situation, my work situation anymore. I dont want to die but i dwant to cease to exist momentarily if that makes sense.

To top it all off, my dentist has messed up my teeth even more. 5days with new fillings and my tooth is bleeding and there is a gaping hole.
does it ever end

this is my situation: my current part-time employer wants me to come onboard permanently for about 14k as a trainee manager going up to 16k after probationary 3months if both parties are satisfied that i was doing well and they were happy. I would have to leave my other job in social care which pays slighlty more but des not have any real prospects.

On the other hand, i have a job interview tomorrow and the guy was literally gushing on the phone after seeing y quickly-drafted CV( the mind boggles!). Granted, a friend has been scouting for me, she used to work there,head office asked for a little info, i dranfted an email which impressed them enuff to ask for a CV(which i didnt have since i lost disks with a "master" copy). anyway, my boss wants an answer tonight but i am going to delay it till tomorrow morning.

They would be flxible with my study period i think(although u never know), but i have been there a long time and god knows i have bitched enough on these pages about that job. Do i say no and try the other one although i might have to quit it soon because it is stricly mnday to friday or do i go for the low pay just so i can get a title for the future? it seems slighly non-negotiable the start although i think it's because they think im a bit of a push over. i have stalled enough, it's just that everything came all at once and I am having sleepless nights.

I also need to save money for my course and the only way i see how is by working seven days a week(perhaps the new job +my current) for 2-3months and then maybe seeing if my current job has more openings? i am quite willing to leave the social care . do i go for money and then uncertainty or no money and more unhapiness?

help me coz i nees to sort something out. If i say no to my current boss, then there is no point in tomorrow's interview. if i say yes, and then change my mind i have burnt bridges.

Some advice or opnions would be greatly appreciated as I am highly confused.
Ta

From my inbox a few minutes ago:

In case you are interested
cheers
Marco

"SPICE GIRLS tickets!!
For
this fri at O2 Arena in london.
They were £170 for the two and they are
good seats! (front tier, right in middle in front of stage!)
£170 for
the pair...any takers please contact Charlotte directly at.....

i dont want to see the damn spice girls!!!

p.s. i am now holding the line to speak to someone at a psychics collge to book an AP to see a medium. am i crazy?